by Melody Adams
“I am getting the blanket and the water”, I said with a saddened voice.
“Fay”, he whispered with such pain in his voice that it nearly tore my heart apart and I was close to throwing my intentions out and to just tell him. I got a grip and got up with a heavy heart to get the things for him.
Viper
My angel had taken care of my head wound and despite the pain it had felt good, of feeling her hands on me. For some unknown and irrational reason I felt guilty about liking the touch of another woman. That had not happened in the past three years. I did not lead the life of a monk. I was with Lioness for a while, but we both invested little feeling into the relationship. It was more of a PR thing. The sex was no different than the sex I had with women after her. Sex! Nothing more than just a quick release of the built up sexual energy, without any deeper connection. Neither my head nor my heart had been in it. Only Fay had managed to touch me on this level … to get under my skin. I had made myself vulnerable. Naked. And that’s how she had left me. Naked!
I heard footsteps. Clack. Clack. Clack. I tried to imagine what she looked like. Was she wearing a nurse’s uniform or some conservative outfit? Are her legs covered in stockings that felt like velvet when I touched them? How high were her heels? Dammit! I had a hard on and no idea how to cover it in my tight jeans. Her steps approached closer to me now. Shit! Since I could not think of anything else, I rolled onto my side and put my hands between my legs to cover my erection.
“Well, here I am again”, I heard her soft voice and a blanket covered me. Like any good nurse she tugged the blanket snug around me and I enjoyed her touch so damn much, I moaned.
“Are you in pain, Mister Mahony?” she asked concerned, misinterpreting my moaning.
“A little”, I lied but my throbbing dick was all I could feel at the moment.
“I brought you a pain killer and some water. Sit up and take these two pills.”
“No”, I objected. “No pills. Alcohol.”
“It’s okay. I am a skilled nurse. These pills, you are allowed to take.”
I shook my head.
“Well”, I finally said. “If you rather have pain then … I will go and clean up a bit and check on you later.”
“Hmmm.”
“Just rest.”
“Angel?” I whispered hoarsely.
“Anything else, Mister Mahony?”
“Are you wearing shtockings?”
“What?”
“Noshing!”
She left and I listened to her steps. I could hear her rummaging around, cleaning up the chaos caused by my fall. She came over to the sofa twice and I pretended to sleep. She touched my forehead to see if I was running a fever and I enjoyed her soft brief touch each time. My feelings were running amok. My grief for Fay, the sudden rising desire for my new mysterious caregiver and the bad conscience towards Fay. Dammit, I was totally fucked up. At some point I fell asleep.
“Mister Mahony?” the voice of my angel woke me up from my sleep.
“Hmmm.”
“You have to drink something. You have been sleeping for a long time. How do you feel?”
“Like shit” I grunted. “I hate it when the alcohol wears off.”
“Do you do this a lot? Getting drunk?”
“Only when the memory comes back.”
“Of … Fay?”
“Yeeah”, I said stretching it out. “Fay! She betrayed me. I hate her!”
That was a lie. I did not hate her. I hated that I had fallen in love with a little runaway. I noticed that my nurse had not responded.
“Are you still there?”
“Yes … yes, of course. Please sit up, so I can give you something to drink.”
I did as I was told and got up moaning. My skull was hurting like it had been hit with a sledge hammer and run over by a convoy of heavy trucks.
“Ahhh! I think I could use one of those pills now. Or better yet, three. No! Let me have six!”
“Two pills!” I replied strictly. “You can’t take more.”
She handed me a glass.
“Open your mouth!”
I obeyed and she placed the pills on my tongue. I put the glass to my mouth and took the pills with the water.
Fay
My heart almost stopped when he mentioned that he hated me. He hated Fay. He hated me! There went my brave plans to confess to him that I was here. Gone was the dream that something could happen again between us like it had before. I could explain to him why I had left him, but I was a miserable coward. I could not tell him about Martin. The shame and guilt threatened to destroy me.
“Thanks”, Viper mumbled as he downed the pills with the water. “I am sorry that you had to see all these bad things on your first day of work … and for making such a mess. I don’t often drink, but you reminded me of Fay and all the things that I had long buried, all came up again. I still love her, but I will never forgive her for what she did to me. I have never talked about this with anybody. I don’t even know why I am telling you. I should not …”
“It’s okay” I replied. Tears were running down my cheeks and I was glad that he was not able to see. “I understand. Love can hurt. I too have lost somebody I loved very much a long time ago.”
“You have?”
“Yes.”
“How did you get over it?” he asked me.
I wiped the tears from my face.
“I never got over it“, I said quietly. “I still love him. However, I did something that he will never forgive me for, and I will never be able to explain to him … why I had to do it … I had no choice.”
“You are crying”, he said and his hand reached out to me, found my face and wiped away the tears. “I am sorry, if I caused you any worries.”
“It’s … okay”, I sniffled. “I am here to take care of you, not to dump my heartache on you.”
“It’s my fault. I should not have started to dump my heartache on you.”
I laughed and sniffled at the same time.
“We make a fine couple, don’t we?”
“Yes”, he said coarsely. His hand was still on my cheek and I had the desire to touch him. My heart screamed for it, but my lips remained silent. He had said that he hated Fay. That he could not forgive her, not knowing that I was Fay. How could I ever tell him the truth? He would probably fire me and I was too selfish and wanted to be close to him. I wanted to see him and take care of him. Even if all of this was a big lie. At least I was here. Could look at him, hear his voice, could touch him, even though it was all professional like before, when I took care of his wounds. It was not enough. However, it was better than the alternative … loosing this job and not seeing him.
“Well, I better start taking care of dinner,” I said, trying to sound professional. I got up and his hand fell off my cheek. I missed his touch right away and tears came to my eyes again as I turned around with a heavy heart.
Viper
My hand was still wet from her tears, when I returned it to my lap. I felt dizzy. What just happened? How did I end up telling her my sorrows about Fay and her telling me about the cause for her heartache? I did not want my angel to cry. It took all my strength to not take her into my arms and kiss her tears away. I would have thought of Fay and felt awful about it. Like I would cheat on her, betray the memory of her. Dammit!
Fay! Damn you, Fay! If only I could finally forget you!
A tear was running down my cheek. I wiped it away with the same hand that had wiped away the tears of my nurse and our tears united just as our heartaches had.
I felt a familiar anger creep up on me. I usually welcomed the anger as it killed my pain, but I did not want to scare away my angel. She would not understand it. I had to fight the demon within me. Images of my past that are in my head, would surface each time I am emotionally beat. Like when Fay left me. Anger! So much anger … I hated myself. God! How I hated myself. My hands clenched into fists and I was breathing heavy. I wanted to forget these terrible things, but the
y came to the surface with such a force that it did not matter if I wanted them or not.
“He has hurt you”, I said with a whiny voice and hated myself for my weakness. If only I was bigger so I could protect her, but I was just a snotty little boy.
“It is not as bad as it looks”, she said, and stroke my hair. “Don’t cry, little brother. I am okay … Honestly!”
I knew that she was lying. I could smell it. I could smell the pig on her. Had seen the blood on the white skin between her thighs, before she had pulled down her nightgown to hide it. Her left cheek was swollen and she had strangulation marks on her neck. I hated him! How could he stain her innocence like this? She was my angel. Her long black hair framed her white shoulders. She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes that were so sad. Her hands held my cheeks and I closed my eyes. I could not handle the pain I saw in her eyes. I had let her down again. I could not help her, because I was too little. I wanted to kill the pig, but no matter how brave and adventurous my thoughts were, I could not make it happen. I was too weak. I was scared of him. Once he beat me so bad that I was in such pain that I cried for days. I was scared of him and hated myself for having fear. If only I were a man. If only I were brave and courageous ... and strong. But I was little, weak and cowardly!
“Go to sleep, Vince. He won’t come back tonight. He will drink beer with his buddies all night and gamble away whatever little money we have left, playing poker. He will leave me alone. You know that he does not do this more than two or three times a month and this was the third time.”
Like that was any comfort. I sniffled and used my sleeve to wipe off the snot. My eyes looked up and found hers. There was a pleading in her eyes.
“Please, Vince. Go to sleep. I am tired and want to lay down too.”
Lie! I knew that she was lying. She would not sleep. She would cry the whole night. She did not cry as long as I was there. That’s why she wanted me to leave. So she could cry. So I left, knowing that I would be awake all night, listening to her tears and cry my own. I would hate every breath I was taking.
Fay
The kitchen was four times larger than mine and equipped with every comfort. I searched the fridge and the cabinets to get an idea of what to make for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and found T-bone steaks, salad, tomatoes and mozzarella. Steak and salad was a good start. However, a few oven-baked potatoes to go with them would be better. It took a while to find the potatoes. I washed the salad and tomatoes, chopped them up and put them in a glass bowl. Then I added small pieces of mozzarella, pre-heated the oven and searched the drawers for aluminum foil. All I needed now was a dressing. I found olive oil and balsamic vinegar in a cabinet, salt, pepper and herbs in another. I made a dressing out of it all, and filled it into a sauce cup. I set a heavy cast-iron pan on the stove and cooked the steaks shortly before the potatoes were done. I remembered that Viper liked his steak rare and took it out of the pan a moment before mine. I set the table and went back into the living room. Viper was sitting on the couch … his arms resting on his knees and his blind stare on the floor between his feet.
“Dinner is ready”, I said. “Shall I help you or can you manage by yourself?”
“I am not a damn invalid!” he yelled and I jumped back startled. I did not expect this kind of tone.
“Okay!” I said, trying to hold it together. Again I was thankful that he could not see my face. He would be able to see how shocked and hurt I was. “Please come, before it gets cold.”
He got up and followed me into the kitchen. I kept looking back to see if he needed any help. He got to the kitchen on his own and sat down. I placed the plate in front of him. I did not set the table because I did not know where he would sit. I was wondering how he could eat something without being able to see but there was no reason to worry, as I witnessed a moment later. He did just fine. We ate in silence. He seemed to be in a bad mood. Maybe he had regrets about sharing such intimate details with me… the assumed stranger.
“Would you like some more salad?” I asked to interrupt the silence. “Or potatoes?”
“No! I have enough!” he said and got up from the table. “You know where to find your room. Good night!”
I sat at the table shocked and stared at him as he left. Tears came to my eyes again and I asked myself if it was wise to stay on the job. It was my first day of work and I was already a bundle of nerves. I could not figure out why he was so resentful all of a sudden. I got the uneasy feeling that my emotional future would be very bumpy, but I was not willing to give up this job. Being close to Viper hurt, especially when he displayed this level of animosity. Being without him again seemed much worse.
Besides, I needed a job and if I quit this one, my only other option would be to work for V’s brother. He owned a run-down restaurant and always needed staff. I was not crazy about the idea of serving drunks that would pinch my butt and stare at my tits … or both. And I would not make half the money I am making here. The question was if Viper would realize that I was Fay. What would happen then? I understood that he hated me. The letter I left him was intended to provoke just that … for him to hate and forget me. Well, the later obviously did not happen. He did not forget me, just as I had not forgotten him. He said he still loved me but that he would never be able to forgive me. That was almost worse than him just hating me. To know that he still had feelings for me but that he could not forgive me and that made it even more unbearable.
I got up sighing and started to clean up the kitchen. Once I was done, I left the kitchen. I heard heavy metal music and it was not coming from upstairs. Viper had not gone into his bedroom and was somewhere downstairs. I sighed again and was about to go upstairs and my hand was already on the railing, when I stopped. I could hear other noises over the loud music now … a rhythmic banging and angry screams. My heart beat faster and I was wondering what Viper was doing. He would not hurt himself, would he? I had to make sure he was okay. I walked through the house towards the noises with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I reached a closed door. The music and screams came from the room behind it. I hesitated with one hand already on the door handle, but I stayed still. What could I expect behind the door? Would Viper be angry with me for disturbing him? If I opened the door quietly enough he probably would not even notice me. He was not able to see me or hear anything over the loud music. I grabbed the door handle and pushed it down. I gently pushed the door open and stared at the spectacle that was before me.
Viper
Like always, when my demons were chasing me, I searched for a valve to release my aggressions. I had to regain control of myself. I had already treated my caregiver worse than she could have deserved and I was sorry. However, it took all my strength to keep it together … to not show her the full extent of my anger.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
I hit the punching bag like I was possessed. I yelled out my aggression with each hit. The loud music calmed the beast in me. I focused entirely on putting my self-hatred and anger into the defenseless punching back. I could only face my angel again, when I had conquered my demons. Working out helped me the most. If it was getting too bad and to a point that I could not get my aggressions and depressions under control, the clinic would be my only option. I hated it there. I hated myself for being a sick asshole. Crazy! Fay was right to leave me. Maybe she secretly sensed that something was wrong with me.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
I had not bandaged my knuckles. I needed the pain to really blow off some steam. I knew that my knuckles were already bleeding and I did not have to see them for that. My angel would be able to take care of them later. That thought put a quick smile on my face. I was sure my behavior had shocked her. I had to apologize and did not want her to quit this job. I needed her. Even if she brought out the worst in me. Fay! Fayden! Fay! Fayden! I was confused and wounded, consumed by self-hatred, anger and grief, but I had not felt this alive in a long time.
A loud rumbling woke me up. I could hear his voice, even though I could not
understand what he was saying. I heard her cry out softly every now and then. I knew she was making an effort not to cry out loud. She did not want me to wake up. With all that she endured she still thought of protecting me. That made it even worse and I felt even guiltier. I had grown a bit. I was now seven years old. However, I was not strong enough to take him on. I was an emaciated, weak boy. I hated myself. I could do nothing else but lay in the darkness over here and listen to the soft cries. I heard him grunt and felt disgust. If that was what grown men did I never wanted to grow up. The door of the next room opened and his footsteps passed my door, up the stairs into his room. I could hear her cry. My heart broke as it had many times before. Every time over and over again. And every time I just laid here with clenched fists unable to use them, to hurt this pig. Useless … so damn useless! I was worthless. Every breath I took was wasted because there was nothing I could do. Every sob next door hurt like a thorn in my heart.
Chapter 8
Fay
I was lying in bed. My heart was pounding and I thought about what I had seen. I had seen Viper train before but never doing it with such aggression and he always bandaged his hands. I wondered where all the sudden anger had come from, that he so brutally released into the punching bag. His knuckles had been red with blood. Was he frustrated because he was blind and could no longer fight? Or was it because of me … because of Fay? It tortured me that he was obviously not doing well and there was nothing I could do to help him. I wished I could just walk up to him and explain why I had to leave him back then. I wished I could tell him that what I had written was not true … had been terrible lies. But he said that he could never forgive me. What if he was really unable to forgive me? I would lose this job and certainly never see him again. Maybe he could slowly fall in love with the new me … fall in love with Fayden.