by Cs Jacobs
I go through my normal nightly ritual of teeth brushing and washing my face. As I am heading back to my bed, I hear my phone ringing. Shit, I keep forgetting that damn thing in here. I find it quickly and answer without looking at the number.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Angelica.” I recognize that sexy deep voice.
“Hello, Blake.”
“How was your day?”
“Why don’t you text Joey and ask him?” Fuck, why must I be a bitch?
“Ahh, I see you spoke to Joey.”
“Why wouldn’t you have just messaged me?
“Did you not ask that I leave you alone and let you be? I was only honoring your request. But that doesn’t mean I had to like it. I was worried sick about you all day. I’ve told you before how I don’t like you being alone, more so when I know you’re scared.”
“Pray tell, what makes you think I’m scared?”
“Angelica, I don’t want to play games with you. I know you’re scared of this man. No one can blame you for that. You’d be stupid to not be scared.” He’s angry; I can tell by his tone. I sigh into the phone.
“Blake, you’re right. I am scared of Edward. Nothing will ever change that. I thought I was in a better place, but hearing he is back in town has proved otherwise. I don’t mean to upset you or add another burden to your already stressful life. It was nice knowing you; it truly was. I’ll never forget our time together.”
With that, I hang up the phone before he can say anything. My phone rings not two seconds later. I deny the call then turn off my phone. My eyelids cannot stay open any longer. The pills are working their magic and making me sleepy. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I am out.
I wake up Tuesday morning feeling well rested and determined to have a better day. I lie in bed and ponder how I will occupy myself for the next five days, and then it hits me. The ranch. I call my grandfather and tell him I want to spend the rest of my vacation out of the city. I can hear his smile over the phone as he tells me he will have the jet sent for me ASAP. I hang up with him and start to pack. I pack lightly as I love shopping in Texas. They have amazing boutiques down there. I hop in the shower quickly then change into something comfortable to wear for the flight. My grandfather calls me an hour later, tells me my flight schedule, and informs me when the town car will be sent for me. I thank him then get back to packing.
I have managed to ignore all of the missed calls, voicemails, emails, and text message icons since I turned on my phone. What I can’t ignore is the knock on my front door. Roger growls from the bed, but I quiet him quickly, and then head to the door to see who it is. I peek through the peephole and see Blake’s gorgeous face on the other side. God, why did I tell him goodbye? He is so beautiful. What’s worse is he is just as beautiful on the inside. How is that possible? How is it possible that I find the one perfect man in the city and I treat him like shit? It’s what I do best, I guess. Roger has now made his way to my side and is still growling. I try to tell him to shut up quietly, but Blake hears me. Damn it.
“Angelica, please open the door. I just heard you.” He sounds so calm. God, I’ll miss that voice. I open the door, but not all the way. I don’t want him to think this is an invitation to come in. I need to end this once and for all.
“What do you want, Blake?” I ask him sternly and he looks hurt. Why am I such a bitch?
“Angelica, why are you doing this? What did I do to upset you so?”
“Blake, this isn’t about you; don’t you see that? I’ve got too much going on in my life right now to be in any sort of relationship, and besides, I don’t do relationships. Period.”
“Stop trying to act so damn tough, Angelica!” I have never heard him swear before, and I can see the tension radiating off him. “I know you don’t want to be alone and you don’t have to. I want to be here for you. However you will take me, I want to be here. Just don’t push me away. I apologize if you ever got the feeling you were a burden to me. You are a blessing to me. I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since I ran into you. Can you honestly tell me you feel nothing between us?” He just stares at me, waiting for a response. I can’t even answer him because he is right.
“Blake, I need you to leave. I’m getting ready to head out of town and I need to finish packing.”
“Wait, what? Where are you going?” He sounds panicked.
“I’m going to Texas with my grandfather for the rest of the week. I need a break from the city.” I look at him, hoping he understands.
“That sounds like a great plan, Angelica. I think the break will do you well.” He smiles that panty-dropping smile. God, he is so beautiful.
“Thank you.” I look down at my bare feet because I can no longer meet his gorgeous blue eyes. I’m a coward, I know.
“You never answered me.”
“I know.”
“Maybe once you’re back home you will change your mind about us.” Before I can argue, he continues. “Don’t tell me there is no us, either. You cannot deny it.” Damn it, he’s right.
“Maybe. Goodbye, Blake.” This time I do meet those gorgeous eyes.
“I’ll see you soon, Angelica.” With that, he turns and heads to his waiting town car. I close the door, and then head back to packing. This is going to be the longest week of my life.
Two hours later, Roger and I are loaded into a town car and taken to LaGuardia Airport. This airport is constant hustle, but luckily, we get to drive right in and head to the private hangers. It doesn’t take long for us to get situated on the plane. Being that this is my grandfather’s jet and I can do what I want, Roger gets to ride with me. I would never crate him under an airplane. Fortunately, I’ve never had to. My grandfather’s jet is customized, of course. Timothy James is luxury to the extreme. My grandfather does not look like he is wealthy but he is, extremely so. He doesn’t wear designer names, nor does he own a fifty-thousand-dollar watch. He wears Levi’s and worn boots, and drives a truck. He lives a good life, but you would never know it if you came across him. Some things, though, he does big, usually when it comes to my mother or me.
As I enter the main seating area of the jet, I take in the crème leather seats lining the walls of the plane with a small table on either side. There is a bathroom in the back with a shower, a small kitchen area, and, of course, a master cabin. He spared no expense when designing this. He had it built mainly to transport me back and forth between New York and Texas when I was younger. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. Now I know it was excessive. But my grandfather didn’t want me flying commercial alone. That man has done so much for me. I love him dearly for it.
Just walking on to this plane reminds me of how excited I would be to get on board as a child. My mother never took me herself, so my grandfather would always send a town car to pick me up from home and drop me off at the plane. Ugh, my mother! It’s no wonder I’m scared to get attached to people. She was so absent all of my life. After the incident with Edward, she hired a nanny and I rarely saw her. Josie became like a mother to me. She would make all my meals and help me with homework. Anything a parent should do, she did. I hated when she had to go home. I felt alone. Summers were the best though because I had that unconditional love constantly.
I remember running onto the plane and I would get to watch movies and gorge on all of my favorite snacks. I had my own flight attendant too, Susie. She flew with me every summer and some holidays until I was eighteen. To be honest, I would have liked to have her with me even now, but she retired, so now I fly alone. At least I have Roger. We both head back to the master cabin and go right to sleep. I seem to be perpetually tired these last few days. Roger doesn’t seem to mind. He hops onto the bed next to me and falls asleep. It seems like I just closed my eyes when I hear the pilot telling me we are going to land in fifteen minutes. After a good stretch, I head to the cabin and buckle up. I buckle Roger too. I can never be too safe.
Once we land, I can see my grandfather’s big super duty tru
ck waiting for us near his hanger. Forever thoughtful, he has always been the one to pick me up. He never just sends a car to get me like my mother did when I would arrive back in New York. As soon as the door is opened, I unbuckle Roger and head out in his direction. I run to him, and his smile is almost as big as Texas.
“Hey, Granddad,” I greet as I hug him tightly.
“Hey, darlin’. Hope you didn’t eat up there. I got Betty making you all your favorites back at the ranch.”
“I knew better. I’m starved. I can’t wait to get some of that homemade BBQ.” With that, Granddad helps the pilot with my bags; then we head off to the ranch. Roger is in the backseat sticking his head out of the window. Being that we live in the city, he never rides in a car. We walk or jog everywhere. I don’t even own a car, much to my grandfather’s disliking. There truly is no need though. Everything is a walk or taxi ride away. Maybe I should get a car, if for nothing else at least so Roger can stick his head out every now and then. Joey has a nice Mercedes; maybe I can borrow his. Right… he’d never let me put Roger in his baby.
The drive to the ranch is about an hour long. I pull out my camera along the way and snap some shots while Granddad drives and sings along to classic country tunes. While taking pictures, I realize I didn’t tell Joey I was leaving. Shit. I dig my phone out of my purse and power it on. It takes a second, then the alerts start going off. Fuck. I read twenty-three texts. They start nicely, and then they end by him calling me a whore. Oh, joy! I call him quickly. He answers after the first ring.
“I’m sorry. I love you!”
“Angelica, do you know how worried I was? How frantic I was when you didn’t respond to me? How pissed I got when I called Blake and he knew exactly where you fucking were?” he screams at me through the phone. “Words cannot describe the emotions I’ve been dealing with these past few hours.”
“I’m sorry, JoJo. My mind has been scattered lately. The only reason Blake even knew where I was going was because he just showed up at my door.” I try to talk to him calmly, but I get defensive and start shrieking back at him. “I thought you would be happy with my decision to come down here to get out of the city and clear my mind.”
“Baby girl, I am. I was just worried is all,” he says on a sigh.
“I’m sorry; I truly am. After I called Granddad and told him I wanted to visit, he had the jet in New York before I was done packing.”
He laughs. “I don’t doubt that at all. Enjoy yourself, Angie.”
“I will. Bye, JoJo. I love you. I’m sorry.”
“I love you, too, AP. It’s okay. You know I worry. I’ll talk to you soon.” With that, he hangs up.
I put my phone back in my purse and see my grandfather smirking at me. I sigh. I know where this is going.
“He is just a friend…not even that. Blake is a client. Nothing more. I know what you are thinking,” I tell him.
“Guilty conscience much?” He winks at me and I laugh.
“I just know you think he’s my boyfriend or something and he’s not.”
“Well, yes, I did think that at first, but you’ve adamantly been denying he is anything more than an acquaintance. Why are you pushing him away? It seems to me, when the times got tough, you couldn’t get close enough to the boy.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the road. He doesn’t have to. I hear him loud and clear. He’s right; I can’t deny that. I wouldn’t let Blake leave my side when I found out about Edward, but now I can’t get far enough away. Is that why I came here? To get away from Blake? Fuck, I’m so confused. “Don’t over think it, Angelica. I don’t know why you are pushing him away now, but what I saw Sunday night at your house was more than just a fling.”
I scoff at his remark. ”Please, that’s all it was, if that.”
“Angelica, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know love when I see it.”
“LOVE?” I screech. “You think I love him? You’re crazy. I do not love Blake! How could I? I haven’t even known the man a week! That’s absurd!”
“Sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself it isn’t love, if you ask me.” He pulls into the long driveway leading to the Cane Family Ranch. The large wood entrance sign was hand built by my granddad, of course. He hand-carved each letter. If you didn’t know, you would think it was done by a machine. My grandfather is a perfectionist. Automatic gates open up as we near. He installed that feature after that bad summer. All the way down the bumpy road, I think about what my grandfather just said. Am I trying to convince myself? Who falls in love with someone they don’t even know? Maybe puppy love, but not the lasting love. Fuck me, why am I even thinking about this? Never in all my years of living have I felt this way toward a man. Not even remotely. That should say something in itself, but I won’t let it. I refuse to open my heart up. Between the horrid relationship I have with my mother and the shit Edward put me through, I don’t think my heart can take any more hurt. I may crack under the pressure.
“No, it’s not love. It was a fling. It’s done. Now, let’s hurry and get to that BBQ,” I say happily as I rub both hands over my stomach, and he just laughs at me.
“Whatever you want, honey. Just know that you can love, Angelica, and people can love you. I’m sorry you haven’t experienced as much of that love in your life as you should have, but know it’s out there. You need to take a risk and let your heart guide you. You’ve lived a tough life, honey. So much has been taken from you; don’t let the past take any more of your future.”
Has my past dictated my future? Yes, I know it has. Those events have altered my views, my stance on life, on love. I cannot deny those facts. The way my mother shut me out after she found out, I was more of an embarrassment to her than a daughter in need of love. More than anything, I wanted my mom to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. To tell me she would protect me from here on out. She didn’t though. She neglected me. She hired Josie and quit her job as my mother. The only times we were together was for parties or charity functions. Then I was Angelica, her precious daughter. God, it makes me sick. If I ever have children, I vow to be nothing like that woman. She is no mother. This is far too deep of thoughts to be having at the beginning of my vacation. It’s time to let it go and start fresh. It’s time to work on me.
We pull up to the main house, a large, white two-story, country-style home complete with a white wraparound porch and a porch swing. The picture of country. As soon as the truck stops in the roundabout driveway, I hop out and let Roger out. He makes a break for it and runs to the nearest patch of grass. Oops, I probably should have let him go after we landed. I walk around to the truck, but Granddad shoos me away as he grabs my bags. I head in the direction of the house as I take in my surroundings. Not much has changed in all these years. The ranch sits on twenty-five lush acres. It is outlined in an old white fence as tall as I am. To the left of the house sits the red barn. God, I loved playing in there when I was little. All the horses are housed there. I’d spend a lot of time in there with the Arabian horses. That’s all my grandfather raises, aside from my Clydesdale. Brushing them was my favorite chore; I could do it for hours.
My grandfather made sure I knew how to care for the horses before I was able to ride them. So I cared for them every day when I would visit. Soon enough, I was able to ride them. It was worth all the brushings and feedings. Luckily, Granddad always handled their shit and, boy, do horses shit a lot! Eventually, I was so good at riding, I could ride bareback, which was a day I would never forget. My grandfather used to do it a lot, so it made me want to try. It’s hard as hell, but so much better for both the rider and the horse. I truly felt as if we were one when I rode like that. Now I would probably use a saddle as I am a bit rusty, but I can’t wait to get on one.
Behind the barn, I can see the cattle grazing in the tall grass. To the right of the house is my favorite place on Earth, my tree house. My grandfather built that for me that horrible summer. I helped him build it; he busied my mind. We spent a full day at the home improvement store b
uying all kinds of wood and paint. It took about a week to build and another day to decorate. It was the best summer ever. I can never repay him for all he has done for me.
Beyond all that is just land. I would ride around the property for hours when I was little. The oil fields are a few miles behind the property. I never go there, no need to. It’s the source of my grandfather’s wealth, but it holds no interest to me. It never has. All I can think right now is how I can’t wait to get in the saddle again. I forgot how much I missed it. There is no other house or farm within five miles of the ranch. The silence is almost deafening. Living in NYC can make one forget what true quiet sounds like. It’s impossible to hear it back home. Here I can enjoy the sound of nothing and the smell of fresh air. The air is crisp, and even though it is cold, the air is amazing to breathe in. The outdoors has a unique scent, one of wood and trees, simply perfect. There are no fumes from cars, no smells of smoking, nothing. As I stand here taking it all in, I can see Roger running around getting acquainted with his new surroundings. This is his first trip out here. God, has it really been that long since I’ve been back? That’s sad. How could I have let so many years go by without visiting? My grandfather is now standing next to me.
“You forgot about this place, didn’t you?” He sounds somber.
“How could I have? Yet that’s what it seems like. God, I missed this place and I didn’t even realize it.” I’m heavy hearted just thinking about the years I’ve spent away from here.
“Well, you’re here now and that’s all that matters. Now come on. I’m hungry.” He winks at me and we head toward the house. As we’re walking, the big, red front door opens.
“There she is. Come on up here and give this old lady some luvin’,” Betty hollers at me. I run up the steps to greet her with a hug. Betty has been my grandparents’ housekeeper for as long as I can remember.
“Betty! I’ve missed you so much! Why didn’t y’all call me to come down here sooner?” My country accent comes out when I talk to her. We both laugh.