Grinning inanely, he imparted what the nurse had told him. ‘According to her back there, you could well be home in the next few days. What d’yer think to that, eh?’ Winking meaningfully, he slid his hand under the bedclothes and fondled her bare thigh. ‘I’ve missed you, lass,’ he said in a voice laden with lust. ‘Since you’ve been gone, there’s been nobody to keep me warm of a night.’ But it wasn’t warmth he wanted. It was her!’
Squirming, Amy tried to free herself. ‘Give over, Frank,’ she urged. ‘Somebody’s bound to see!’
Glancing round, he saw the woman in the neighbouring bed sneaking a look at them. In a loud voice he said, ‘Let the buggers see. They’re only jealous ’cos I’ve got my hand on your arse instead o’ theirs.’
Trying desperately to pull him off, Amy only succeeded in exciting him more. Sidling towards her, he grabbed her hand and placed it on his flies so that she could feel the hardness there. ‘See that?’ he hissed. ‘It’s desperate I am.’ He began kissing her ardently, his hands all over her. ‘Oh Amy, I want you that badly,’ he moaned. ‘If I close the curtains, they’ll not know what we’re up to, will they, eh?’ With that he swung round and began yanking on the curtains.
‘No, Frank!’
Incensed, he took her by the hair and yanking her head back, mimicked her to perfection. ‘What d’yer mean “No, Frank”! You’re my wife an’ you’ll do as you’re bloody well told!’
‘No, Mr Tattersall.’ The quiet, disciplined voice stopped him in his tracks. ‘It’s you who will do as you’re told.’ The night sister had been summoned, and Frank was swiftly escorted to the main doors, yelling and cursing all the way.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow,’ he raved. ‘She’d better be dressed and ready for home or I’ll raise the bloody roof, so help me!’
For a long time after he’d gone, Amy lay there shuddering, her mind in turmoil. The more she thought of what Frank had done, the more she loathed him.
She thought of the children, and Molly, and the tears ran freely down her face. If only they’d never been born, she thought. If only I’d never met him. But it was done now, and could not be undone, more’s the pity.
When the lights went out and everyone else was sleeping, weariness finally engulfed her. She closed her eyes and let oblivion take her away.
* * *
It was the sound of the tea trolley that woke her. Rattling its ancient wheels along the shiny floors, it heralded a new day.
‘Morning, Mrs Tattersall.’ The round-faced, cheery woman poured her a cup of tea. ‘Milky, wasn’t it, dearie, with half a sugar. I’m glad you don’t have a sweet tooth, because Miss Routledge in the end bed insists on four spoonfuls. I could cheat a bit, if only the old bugger didn’t keep her eagle eye on me while I shovel it in. Honest, you can stand the spoon up in it, and what with sugar being hard to get in any quantity, I’m having to rob Peter to pay Paul.’
Replacing the teapot, she clattered a teaspoon on to the saucer. ‘Goodness only knows how you manage with your brood. Still, we mustn’t grumble. We’ve been through worse times. Besides, I’m sure it won’t be long before we can throw away the ration books altogether.’
After placing the teacup on Amy’s bedside cabinet, she threw back the curtains and let the morning sun shine in. ‘Look at that,’ she declared with a smile. ‘Another lovely day.’
Sitting up in bed, Amy thanked her and, enjoying her cup of tea, she glanced around the ward. It was filled with all the noises and chatter that came with the morning. The woman who had been peeking at her and Frank last night was full of apologies.
‘He’s a bit of a handful, that husband of yours,’ she declared. ‘By! I’m glad I never got wed. I couldn’t be doing with all that.’
Amy made excuses for Frank, but in her heart she bitterly regretted the fact that the nasty little scene had been witnessed by others. The woman was a nosy biddy and, according to the gossip she’d heard from the tea lady, was something of a loner. Yet, in a way, Amy envied her. Misshapen and plain-faced, she had apparently not received one visitor in the three weeks she’d been there. Yet, given a chance, Amy would have swapped places with her there and then.
Feigning tiredness, Amy turned away. In her mind she relived the incident with Frank which, if it hadn’t been so disgusting, might have been comical. Last night she had done a lot of thinking. Now, in the cold light of day, she knew what she must do. Her mind was made up. If she was ever to have any life at all, there was only one way for her to go.
And, right or wrong, there would be no turning back.
* * *
At half past nine, while breakfast was being served, Amy got out of bed and sat in the chair. ‘Nothing for me,’ she told the nurse. ‘I’m not hungry.’
There followed a brief, though well-intentioned lecture on how breakfast was the best meal of the day, and should not be missed. ‘It will take a few days yet for you to feel stronger,’ she was told. ‘You must take care of yourself.’
Amy kept her there a moment longer. ‘My husband said he was told I could be going home any day now – is that right?’ Knowing Frank, it could have been sheer wishful thinking.
‘Well, yes, as far as I know, the doctor is satisfied with your progress, but I think it will be a day or two yet before he discharges you.’ She wagged a warning finger. ‘He’ll pack you off with a whole list of instructions – and skipping breakfast is not one of them!’
An hour later, the doctor confirmed the nurse’s words. ‘I think it might be wise to give it another couple of days,’ he told Amy. ‘That’s my advice.’ Easing himself on to the edge of the bed, he suggested kindly, ‘They tell me you’ve refused to see the priest. I know it’s none of my business, but I do think you should talk with him. A priest can always help in matters of this kind.’ Ignoring this well-meant advice, Amy came straight to the point. ‘I’d like to go home now, doctor.’
Regarding her for a moment, he seemed to be turning the idea over in his mind before soundly rejecting it. ‘No. I’m sorry, Mrs Tattersall, but I think you need a couple more days at least.’ And there was no changing his mind.
Moving away, he spoke privately to the ward sister. ‘I’m not satisfied that Mrs Tattersall has fully accepted the loss of her child,’ he said. ‘I’m thinking of that young woman last year… the same kind of thing. She wouldn’t talk about losing the child either. She was quiet and withdrawn, and she refused to see the priest, just like Mrs Tattersall. We missed all the signs and let her go home. Two days later, if you remember, she hanged herself. We were wrong on that occasion, sister. I don’t mean to make the same mistake again.’
‘Very well, doctor, as you say.’ Though she wouldn’t have minded Amy going home sooner. She personally didn’t think the woman was suicidal, and there was always need for the bed.
Amy, however, had no intentions of leaving the matter there. Cadging some notepaper, a pen and an envelope from her neighbour, she shut out the world and wrote what was in her heart:
Dearest Molly,
I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I hope there will come a day when you will find it in your heart to forgive me.
For too many years, I’ve been your father’s dogsbody.
Not a day has gone by when he hasn’t proved how little he cares for me. I’m a convenience to him, and that’s all I’ll ever be. It’s too late for him to change now, and besides, somewhere along the way I’ve changed. I’m not the young girl he wed. I’m a woman, with a woman’s feelings. I’ve got a right to some respect and consideration. I’ve borne his children and taken his abuse, and now the only feelings I have for him are anger and disgust.
The thing is, I’ve been offered a new life with the gentle, caring man I knew in my youth, and who is now back in my life. At first I turned him away, because he didn’t want to be burdened with another man’s children. But now, being in here and having the time to think, I know I have to go with him. If I don’t, I shall regret it for the rest of my life.
I h
ad all but decided I could never leave you and the children, but then I realised, one day, when you all fly the nest, I’ll be left alone with only your father for company. The thought fills me with dread.
It was your father who forced the decision when he came to the hospital last night. Drunk and full of himself as usual, he tried to take liberties with me, until someone called the sister, and he was escorted from the premises. As you can imagine, he screamed and cursed all the way out, so everybody could see and hear. Oh, Molly! He makes me so ashamed.
I know my going will put a terrible burden on your head. I pray to God you can forgive me for that. But you’re young, Molly, with your whole life in front of you. You can afford to wait a few years, until the children are older. The best part of my life is gone, and I don’t know if I could spend another day with your father, let alone years on end.
Please, try to understand. I can’t go on the way things are. If I stayed, I believe I would end it all.
We will go a long way away, where no one will ever find us in this world. So it will be of no use for anyone to try to trace us.
Please forgive me, and let me go with your blessing.
I will always love you. Wish me well, lass.
Goodbye then, Molly. Don’t hate me.
Your Mammy.
XXX
After writing the letter, Amy folded it into the envelope and addressed it: For Molly Tattersall (Amy Tattersall’s daughter), then she sealed it down.
The letter was for Molly’s eyes only; not for those who could never understand how a mother could leave her children. They didn’t know how it was, how a man like Frank could drive you to despair. In those few moments an endless procession of shocking scenes paraded through her mind. Of how he had spent his wages too often at the pub and the betting shop, leaving her to scrape by on what she could muster. Scenes of him drunk, and violent, and of how he would use her in the bedroom like she was a woman off the streets, and nearby her children listening to every ugly sound.
Frank Tattersall had degraded and humiliated her in every way possible. Now it was her turn. The payback was long overdue. The only pain she felt was for her children, but Molly would keep them safe, she knew that.
A few moments later, she took her belongings from the bedside locker, and quietly made her way to the bathroom. No one stopped her. No one saw her.
Inside the bathroom she laid out her clothes – a cotton slip and bra, with white sturdy knickers and brown nylon stockings. These latter were her most treasured possession, since even three years after the war, it still wasn’t easy to find them at a price you could afford. She carefully unfolded the plain brown skirt and blue jumper that had seen better days, black shoes with stubby heels and ankle strap, and a grey, button-up jacket which Rosie had given her last year.
Wasting no time, she washed and dressed, combed her brown hair and dabbed on a dusting of rouge to brighten her pale cheekbones. A touch of treasured lipstick, bought for her by Molly, and she was ready to face the world.
Staring at her image in the mirror, she saw a thin, weary woman at the end of her tether. All the same, it was a bad thing she was doing, and she knew it. ‘May God forgive me,’ she murmured, and quickly made her way to the sister’s office. ‘I’m signing myself out,’ she said, and the sister, looking up from her work, was astonished.
‘Why didn’t you mention this to the doctor while he was here?’ The sister liked orderly routine and everything in its proper place.
‘I hadn’t altogether made up my mind,’ Amy lied. ‘But I have now, and I must get home to the children. Eddie’s been crying for me, and Bertha’s started wetting the bed again. They need their mammy. Besides, I’m sure you would not want a repeat of last night, when my husband caused an uproar in the ward. The trouble is, he’s likely to be here again tonight and every other night until I go home.’
The sister hesitated, her mind going back to the doctor’s warning. ‘I see. You do understand that if you sign yourself out, the hospital cannot be held responsible?’
‘I understand.’
‘Are you absolutely certain you know what you’re doing?’
‘I was never more sure.’
‘The young woman who was here with you…?’
‘That was Molly. My eldest.’
‘Is she prepared to help you with the children?’
‘Molly’s a good girl: I can always count on her. And I have a wonderful friend and neighbour just a few doors away.’
‘Very well.’ Heaving a sigh, the sister took out a dog-eared ledger. Consulting this, she wrote out a prescription for Amy to take to the pharmacy. ‘Mind you read the instructions and take your medication religiously,’ she warned. ‘Watch for any signs of bleeding, and should there be anything at all which concerns you, I want you straight back in here. Do you understand all of this?’
‘Of course.’
‘I’ll give you a letter for your own doctor. Take it to him as soon as you can.’
Placing the doctor’s letter and the prescription in her bag, Amy thanked her. ‘Don’t worry about me,’ she said, ‘I’ll be all right.’
‘Oh, and there’s this.’ Sliding a form in front of her, the sister insisted she read it. ‘This frees the hospital from any responsibility, and declares that you have signed yourself out, against our express wishes.’
When Amy had signed the form, the sister filed it in her drawer. ‘One more thing,’ she said kindly. ‘Won’t you please reconsider what the doctor suggested… about seeing the priest?’
Amy nodded. ‘Maybe.’ But what could a priest tell her? Except that she was being selfish, and seeing that the Good Lord had blessed her with so many children, shouldn’t she be grateful. Bitterness flooded through her. What would he know?
Taking Molly’s letter out of her bag, she gave it to the sister. ‘My daughter planned to come here straight from work. She’ll be worried when she finds I’m gone. This little note will explain.’
‘There’s no need for that. One of us can tell her you’ve gone home.’
‘Please,’ Amy insisted quietly. ‘It’s better this way.’
‘Very well.’ Laying the envelope on the desk, the woman promised Amy, ‘We’ll make sure she gets it.’
After Amy had left, the sister picked up the letter. Turning it over in her hands, she wondered aloud, ‘Have I done right in letting her go?’ Yet apart from tying Mrs Tattersall to the bed, she had no choice in the matter.
Chapter Seven
Wiping his beer mugs clean, the barman at the Darwen Hotel cast a curious eye over Jack. ‘I thought you were leaving us today?’ A big, round fellow with a gammy leg, he took delight in studying people. He prided himself on being able to guess a body’s business but, to his frustration, Jack was an impossible nut to crack. ‘Finished here then, have you?’ he asked, thinking there was still time to win him over.
Secretive as ever, Jack shook his head. ‘Nope.’
‘So it’s not gone as well as you expected then… the reason for your visit to these parts, I mean?’
‘Doesn’t seem like it, no.’
Ever optimistic, the barman persisted. ‘Er… you never did say what kind of business you were in?’
‘That’s right.’ Taking a deep gulp of his shandy, Jack glanced towards the door. ‘You say there’s been nobody looking for me the whole time I’ve been out?’ He had been sure Amy would be waiting for him when he got back from his errand.
Sniffing, the barman shook his head. ‘You’ll have to ask at reception, but I’ve seen nobody,’ he answered. ‘You weren’t gone all that long anyway.’
‘I’m off up to my room.’ Jack shoved the price of his shandy across the counter and instructed, ‘If anybody does ask after me, will you send them straight up?’
‘Man or woman?’ This bloke obviously never gave up.
‘Whoever.’ Jack wouldn’t give this nosy bugger an inch. Besides, if anybody did come here after him, it would only be Amy, because nobody else knew w
here he was.
As he went upstairs, it crossed his mind that, somehow, Frank might have learned of his whereabouts. ‘If that scum comes after me, I’ll be ready for him,’ he muttered grimly. ‘Happen it might be best to have it out with him once and for all!’ But he didn’t want Amy caught in the middle. To his mind, she’d suffered enough at Frank’s hands.
* * *
As she hurried from the tram stop, her legs as weak as water, Amy also had Frank on her mind. ‘What if he finds us?’ She was talking aloud, oblivious to those who turned to stare at her. ‘What if he comes after us? Oh, dear God, he’d kill us both with his bare hands!’ For all his violence, she had never really been afraid of Frank. But now, as she imagined the consequences of her and Jack being together, the fear was like a hard fist inside her.
Outside the Darwen Hotel, she paused, glancing up and down, terrified in case she’d been followed. ‘Pull yourself together, Amy, lass,’ she told herself. ‘How could he know?’ Even so, she was frantic. Happen it might be best if she turned round and went straight home.
Instinctively, she turned, before his voice called her back.
‘Amy!’
Closing her eyes she gave silent thanks. When he placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her towards him, the tears broke loose and ran unheeded down her face. ‘Oh Jack, I didn’t know what to do,’ she sobbed. ‘I just didn’t know what to do.’
She fell into his arms and he folded her to him. ‘It’s all right now,’ he said. ‘I have you safe.’
Taking her inside, he collected his portmanteau from the barman. ‘How much do I owe you?’ he asked.
‘Four pound ten shilling.’
Counting out the money, Jack noticed the barman staring at Amy. ‘Hmh! Don’t blame you for waiting for that one,’ the man said cheekily. ‘She’s not a bad-looking sort.’ Winking at Jack, he grabbed up the cash and rang it into the till.
Leaning over the bar, Jack caught him by the scruff of his neck. ‘You’re talking about a lady!’ he warned. ‘What’s more, you never saw her,’ he said threateningly. ‘Do I make myself clear?’
Looking Back Page 10