by Larry Senn
Yet dwelling on your anger, even when it is justifiable, rarely benefits you. In fact it’s more likely to consume you. You become more and more obsessed with the resentment you feel and often end up doing and saying things you’ll later regret.
Thankfully, there is an alternative. When you get irritated, bothered, or mad at someone, you can refuse to dwell on it and instead make an effort to forgive quickly and let it go.
This isn’t always easy to do. Pride, self-interest, insecurity, and sensitivity can exacerbate your pain and make it harder to forgive. But curiosity—the brake on your Mood Elevator—can help. Rather than assume that the injustice you suffered was inexplicable and inexcusable, try looking for an explanation of what happened. Ask yourself, What motivated this person to behave in such an unfair way? What thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, or emotions led them to think that this was an appropriate action to take? Maybe the boss who passed you over for a promotion didn’t realize how much you’ve contributed to the organization in the past year—or perhaps she was under pressure from her own boss to select a different candidate for the job. Maybe the friend who snubbed you was himself brooding over something you said that was unintentionally hurtful—or maybe he was depressed or distracted due to problems you know nothing about.
The people around us are usually motivated by forces very much like those that drive our own behavior. The difference lies in their perspective, which differs from our own. The more fully we understand that others are just doing what makes sense to them based on their thinking—flawed as it may seem—the easier it is to depersonalize the irritation we feel and let it go.
You need to starve—not feed—the flames of anger. The fuel is your escalating thoughts. The sooner you can break the spell you seem to be under when anger consumes you, the better off you (and those around you) will be.
The same goes for other negative feelings you may be tempted to feed: impatience, defensiveness, insecurity, self-righteousness, and the tendency to judge or blame. When moods like these linger, force yourself to interrupt the pattern. Walk away from the conflict and take a break from your self-justifying thoughts; engage in physical exercise or spend time with a friend who is higher on the Mood Elevator.
Escaping the Cycle of Depression
Depression is a longer-term visit to lower-level thinking, driven by an ongoing story we invent and nurture. In many people depression is fueled by a chemical imbalance that can and should be treated medically. If you suspect that you may be suffering from clinical depression, you owe it to yourself and those you love to seek advice from a trained professional who can help you manage the mental and physical aspects of the condition.
In other cases, however, what people call “depression” is simply a thought habit they get into, often for understandable reasons. The habit may be triggered initially by sad, stressful, or painful circumstances—a death in the family, a major financial setback, a traumatic breakup. But in the end it is our thoughts and what we make of them that maintain the persistent low mood.
I had one period in my life, almost 40 years ago, when I faced a depression of this kind. My first wife was the first girl I loved—the Sunday school sweetheart of my boyhood. We dated through college and then married. I thought our marriage would last forever. When she left me, I became dysfunctional for a time. I fueled my sense of despair by dwelling on the pain of my loss, my apparent failure as a husband, and the death of my dreams for life.
Faith and hope got me to gradually shift my thinking. The turning point came when a wise and trusted friend sat me down and gave me a different set of thoughts on which to focus. He told me that while I couldn’t see it now, I had a bright future. I was a likeable, desirable person, and someday I would love and be loved again. I had three little boys who loved me, and I could build whatever relationships I wanted with them. These and other elements of my future were in my hands.
As I reflected on my friend’s words, I found my projections of the life before me becoming more optimistic. Rather than feed my sense of despair, I began having more hopeful thoughts of about my future possibilities. I formed a deep bond with my sons that persists to this day. And eventually I met and fell in love with Bernadette, with whom I built a richer, more fulfilling life.
The shift from despair to hope occurred by way of a change in my thinking and state of mind. Making a change like this is often slow and difficult, but it is certainly possible. If you find yourself suffering from a similar problem with depression, look for an opportunity to change your thinking. It may come in the form of a conversation with a friend, as in my case; it could occur through a religious or spiritual experience, time spent with family members, a change in your work or life surroundings, or some other unpredictable circumstance. Professional counseling may help. No matter how it happens, when you sense the possibility of changing your mind-set, try to embrace it. It may be the up button on the Mood Elevator that you’ve been seeking.
Choose the Moods You Will Feed
Look at the bottom half of the Mood Elevator. Which of those levels are most familiar to you? On which floors do you habitually linger? In what ways do you get caught up in feeding the emotions that nurture those moods? Consider the following questions:
Are there certain things or people that make you impatient or frustrated? If so, do you find yourself brooding about those experiences, savoring the details and stoking the flames of your annoyance?
Do you frequently feel irritated or bothered? If so, do you feed those emotions by complaining about them to friends and family or thinking about them continually?
Do you have a worry habit? If so, do you tend to dramatize the negative things you fear, exaggerating their seriousness and ignoring the practical, concrete steps you can take to reduce their danger and minimize their effect?
Are you habitually defensive or insecure? If so, do you feed those emotions by constantly reminding yourself of your weaknesses, failings, and mistakes while forgetting about your strengths, victories, and accomplishments?
Are there people or things about which you tend to be judgmental and blaming? If so, do you overlook the pressures and problems others experience that may make it hard for them to resist temptation? Do you find yourself “keeping score” of all the bad things they’ve done (while perhaps ignoring or downplaying the equally questionable things you’ve done)?
Now look at the top half of the Mood Elevator. Which of these upper levels would you like to spend more time visiting? What steps can you take to feed the emotions that will open the doors to those moods? Here are some examples:
Would you like to be more creative and innovative? If so, try giving yourself permission to expand your thinking to embrace more nonroutine, outof-the-box concepts, whether on the job or in your personal life. Set aside time to brainstorm, daydream, and play with ideas. When some of the ideas you come up with seem to have potential, try sharing them with others.
Would you like to be more hopeful and optimistic? If so, make time every day to think about your future in a positive, upbeat way. Imagine something you’d like to achieve, whether grand (finding a great new job) or modest (cleaning out your closet). Then take one concrete step toward making it happen.
Would you like to be more appreciative? If so, set aside time to think about the good things in your life and the people or things that make them possible. Then express your gratitude—directly if possible (for example, saying thank you to your spouse, a colleague, or a friend) or symbolically if not (for example, offering prayers to the divinity of your choosing, or silently thanking an ancestor for the ways he or she enriched your life).
Would you like to be more patient and understanding? If so, strengthen these traits by practicing them whenever they are needed. When stuck in line at the bank, use the time for a quiet moment of mini-meditation; when annoyed by a colleague’s careless errors, offer to demonstrate a better way to get the job done.
Would you like to be more flexible and adaptive? Feed those emoti
ons by doing one new thing every day—or by doing one familiar thing in a new way. It might be as simple as trying a new route from your home to your work or as ambitious as helping launch a new community service organization in your town.
You don’t have to be a passive passenger on your Mood Elevator, drifting from floor to floor unable to control or influence the journey. Make a conscious decision about where you want to spend your time and take steps to feed the emotions that will take you there.
Remember what the wise grandfather said: the one you feed is the one that wins.
8
Living in Mild Preference
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
—LAURA STORY
One of the lower levels on the Mood Elevator that many people drop into quite easily is the one labeled irritated/bothered. When we find ourselves on this floor, we usually blame it on events, circumstances, or the people around us:
“Traffic was heavier than ever this morning.”
“My spouse has a habit that irritates me.”
“I don’t get the appreciation I deserve at work.”
“I have to spend half of my day at the office fixing the messes my colleague made.”
“My cable service is down for the second time this month.”
Of course, we all know that life can never be counted on to work out exactly as we hoped. What is interesting is that, given the same circumstances, some people become irritated and bothered very quickly, while others shrug it off and let it go. Some people seem to get off the Mood Elevator and remain on the irritated level for hours or even days; others just visit that floor occasionally, then quickly move on to different, higher levels.
A best-selling book by Richard Carlson addresses this topic—Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life. Its popularity reflects the fact that this is a very common life condition.
What differentiates people who “don’t sweat the small stuff” from people who seem to be irritated and bothered—even angry—practically every day? Those who are more easily upset by circumstances have a stronger need for things to go their way—and that way follows a single, preferred, clearly defined path. They have deep-seated beliefs about how people are supposed to behave, are locked into “principles” as they define them, and are less willing to compromise.
You might consider this an admirable trait. Isn’t setting and insisting on high standards a worthy approach to life? No, because such devotion to self-proclaimed principles can easily evolve into rigidity. When you apply this philosophy, consciously or unconsciously, to small matters as well as to important ones, you are likely to spend a lot of time at the irritated/bothered level on the Mood Elevator. You’ll end up hurting your relationships and making yourself unhappy unnecessarily—without actually improving the quality of your life circumstances.
Caring a Little about the Little Things in Life
People who spend less time in the lower-level moods adopt an attitude I call mild preference. Like everyone, they have their likes and dislikes. If they could have their way, every day would be a perfect one, marked by blue skies, a trouble-free workday, a blissful family life, and nothing but their favorite shows on TV. But they understand that life in the real world isn’t like that. And when circumstances don’t fit their desires or expectations, they do not respond with excessive or prolonged irritation; instead they allow their negative emotions to pass by like clouds in an otherwise sunny sky and then focus their energies in other, more positive directions.
Today’s traffic is unusually congested? Too bad, but I can use the extra time in the car to think about my presentation at this afternoon’s meeting. Maybe I can come up with a better anecdote to illustrate my key concept.
Did my spouse correct one of my exaggerated stories in public at last night’s party—despite the fact that I’ve mentioned how much I dislike that? Ouch! I wish she wasn’t so honest sometimes. But I guess on any list of the worst habits a spouse could have—excessive drinking, dishonesty, physical or mental abuse—being more accurate than me is pretty far down the list.
Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to get on planes and stay in hotels most weeks? But that’s a small price to pay to get to do work I love that makes a difference in the world. And the added benefit is that my relationship is always fresh, as we value our time together so much.
Living in mild preference doesn’t mean adopting a Pollyanna attitude: Not a single problem! Everything’s great. It does mean looking for positive steps you can take to solve problems when they arise—and refusing to wallow in the emotions of frustration and anger that problems can so easily generate.
Living in mild preference does not mean having no standards or principles. It does mean being selective about how and when to apply your standards and principles—choosing your battles carefully, as the saying goes.
There may be a few critical issues in your life that are truly nonnegotiable. Matters that get to the heart of your identity, your vital self-interests, or the moral values you live by fall into this category. If a friend or loved one wants you to do something that could endanger you or that you would find ethically repugnant, you owe it to yourself to say no. If someone at work is cutting corners on product quality or customer service or is behaving in ways that violate the company’s code of ethics, you may need to draw a line in the sand. But relatively few of life’s daily issues merit this level of importance.
On close examination most of our everyday concerns qualify as “small stuff” to which mild preference should apply. Developing this sense of perspective and learning to apply it throughout your day is one of the fine arts of successful living.
Should we have Mexican or Italian for dinner? You probably prefer one or the other, but a disagreement about it need not turn into World War III. Which of these cover designs will look best on our company’s new brochure? You may strongly prefer design A—but if your teammates choose design B, it’s not a matter of life or death, and it doesn’t mean that you work with “a bunch of idiots who couldn’t care less about my input.”
Bernadette and I have a remarkably peaceful and loving relationship. Living in mild preference goes a long way to help make that tranquility possible. It saves us from the kind of bickering that sours so many marriages—fights over where to go on vacation, what movie to watch, which friends to invite to dinner, and whom we are rooting for in politics. Sure, those things matter a little, but compared with maintaining our loving family, they’re all small stuff.
Humor as a Tool for Combatting Rigidity
You’ve probably noticed that sense of humor is in the top half of the Mood Elevator map. Mild preference and an appreciation for the funny side of life are deeply connected. We are less apt to be fixed, rigid, and demanding in our preferences and needs when we can see the humor in our circumstances.
Air travel is a modern miracle that enables us to journey all over the globe at a fraction of the cost and time once required. Yet practically everyone has experienced how stressful, frustrating, and irritating travel can be. Perhaps that is why the most successful airline in US history uses humor as a key business strategy.
Southwest Airlines is a no-frills, no-first-class carrier that frequently earns top ratings for the quality of the customer experience. Their secret? Southwest hires people who are lighthearted and enjoy amusing others. When a flight is dogged by bad weather or mechanical problems, they keep people’s spirits up by finding ways to turn the setback into a comedy rather than a tragedy.
Stories about the use of humor by Southwest people often circulate for years afterward. In the wake of one especially bumpy landing, a Southwest flight attendant took to the intercom to announce, “That was quite a bump, and I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault—it was the asphalt!”
On another flight, after an hour
’s delay on the runway, the captain apologized for the late start, then promised, “Don’t worry, folks, we’re going to fly this thing like we stole it!”
And in the wake of a much longer weather-related delay—on a plane with a number of impatient, irritated passengers—the flight attendant interrupted the routine safety announcement to comment, “For those of you traveling with small children, how is that working out for you?!”
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Southwest passengers hope for problems so that they can collect another great humor anecdote, but they do appreciate the fact that Southwest employees are experts at using a lighthearted attitude to lubricate the small annoyances in life. And this is a deliberate corporate strategy. When talking about the kind of people they look to hire, Southwest’s co-founder, Herb Kelleher, said, “Life is too short and too hard and too serious not to be humorous about it. We look for attitudes, people with a sense of humor, who don’t take themselves too seriously.”7
Staying up the Mood Elevator enhances Southwest’s success and profitability in two ways: by attracting more loyal customers and by making it easier for employees to operate at their best. The teamwork and camaraderie among Southwest employees helps them service, load, and unload airplanes faster than anyone else in the industry, which helps maintain the airline’s exceptional on-time performance rate.
Everyone can learn from the Southwest Airlines example. When you’re having a crazy day and encountering challenge upon challenge, you can become grim or you can take a deep breath, put the problems in perspective, and look for the humor in the insanity that surrounds you. If you can learn to laugh at the occasional absurdities of life, it will raise your spirits and enable you to access your full wisdom. As a result, you can tackle the day’s problems in a healthier and more productive way.