by Larry Senn
This confidence in our own subjective judgments is another inevitable by-product of the human condition. Each of us has strong filters based on historical thought habits formed by parental influences, the nature of our upbringing, our religious training, our education, our life experiences, and the social settings in which we live. Our perceptions are so thoroughly shaped by these individual forces that it’s almost impossible for us to see things other-wise—so we generally go through life utterly convinced that our tastes, preferences, and judgments are “correct,” in the same way that eyewitnesses to crimes are convinced of the accuracy of their testimony.
The inevitable clashes that arise between two people based on their differing views of the world may not matter much when the issue is taste in television shows. But when the subject is politics, religion, family finances, business strategy, or other important matters, serious rifts can arise that can threaten the stability of our relationships if we let them. And on the world stage, hatred between groups and communities—and even wars among nations—has been caused by failures to recognize and respect differences in views about life.
A lot of needless conflicts can be avoided if we just remember certain truths about life: that things are not always the way they appear to us; that others inevitably see things differently; that our views and judgments are shaped by our backgrounds and experiences, as are the views and judgments of others; and that it’s generally impossible to say who is “right” or “wrong” when matters of opinion and perspective are involved. In short, everyone lives in a separate reality—and the only reasonable thing we can do as mature individuals is to respect those realities.
Based on these truths, one of the fundamental necessities for healthy relationships and a more positive approach to life is a big dose of humility and a studious avoidance of our natural tendency to be judgmental and self-righteous when we disagree with others.
Of course, there are circumstances in which clear boundaries of right and wrong are important and must be respected. Blatant injustice, cruelty, hatred that leads to acts of violence—things like these are evil and must be resisted. But the vast majority of the conflicts of daily life do not rise to that level. Ordinary disagreements are rarely about black and white; much more often they are about shades of gray. And that’s where humility and a willingness to accept differing perspectives are crucial.
Being too sure of how you see things and consequently too judgmental and self-righteous produces a range of negative impacts. If the Mood Elevator level labeled judgmental/blaming becomes your unhealthy normal, your experience of life will suffer. You will argue more, be more irritated and bothered, and spend more time feeling angry and defensive. Your lack of understanding of separate realities will cause needless conflicts with people in your life and career.
You are also likely to experience less growth, learning, and discovery. Because you consider yourself the expert on how things are, you will be less open to considering new ideas and fresh ways of seeing things—which means that, over time, your perspective on the world will get narrower and narrower.
Learning to Appreciate the Perspectives of Others
One of the best ways to avoid the narrowness and negativity that goes with being overly fixated on the correctness of your own perception is to cultivate curiosity. (You’ll recall that we discussed the importance of curiosity as a Mood Elevator brake back in chapter 5.) When you encounter people or ideas you don’t agree with, go to the Mood Elevator level labeled curious/interested rather than the levels labeled judgmental/blaming or self-righteous. Ask yourself, What is their thinking? Why do they see it differently? How has their background, their experiences, or their education shaped their worldview so that they perceive something I don’t perceive?
It’s important to not get sidetracked by questions like What is the truth? Who is right and who is wrong? Think not in terms of “truth” but in terms of points of view, of separate realities. Accept the fact that there are multiple versions of every story, many answers to every question, and numerous ways to solve every problem. Remember that you have blind spots—everyone does—and that there is always something new you can learn by listening open-mindedly to the insights of others.
In addition, when communicating your own ideas, change your language to be less dogmatic and certain. Make it clear that what you are saying reflects your personal point of view rather than implying—to others and yourself—that you possess the absolute truth. Here are a few useful qualifiers that can provide you with better ways to state your own perspective:
“It appears to me…”
“The way I see it…”
“From my point of view…”
“I think…” (versus “I know…”)
“If I’m not mistaken…”
“I may be wrong, but…”
Finally, as with the other pointers in this book, use your feelings as your guide. When we are overly certain about our opinions and ideas, we tend to experience such feelings as defensiveness, judgment, self-righteousness, and impatience with others. Become acquainted with these emotions and learn to recognize them when they pop up. They are signs that you have stopped listening and learning and instead are shutting out people and possibilities. When this happens, stop talking, sit back, take a deep breath, and try to shift to a mood of curiosity and interest.
Early in my second marriage, the biggest challenge was how to deal with our young children. I wanted desperately for them to know how much I wanted and loved them. That made me a soft touch as a dad and often too short on setting reasonable guidelines.
Bernadette loved the kids, too, but she wanted to help me raise them to be responsible and capable people who could take care of themselves and contribute to our home life.
For a time I approached this disagreement as though it were about who was right and who was wrong. And so long as I viewed the problem through this framing, every suggestion Bernadette offered pushed my emotional buttons. I spent a lot of time being defensive, judgmental, and irritated.
Only when we both understood and accepted the fact that we had different points of view on child raising were we able to blend our approaches, developing a shared way of parenting that combined the best of both styles.
Understanding that in most cases our own self-truth is just our point of view allows us to have healthier relationships. In the wise words of author and educator Stephen Covey, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”25
Avoiding the Blame Game by Assuming Positive Intention
A few years ago, I was boarding a flight at my local airport. In one hand I had my carry-on bag, and in the other was the Orange County section of the Los Angeles Times. I’d spotted a feature article in the paper that looked especially interesting, and I was really looking forward to getting seated and reading it.
When I located my seat, I set the paper on it and then looked around for an open space in the overhead bin. Once I’d stowed my bag, I discovered that my paper was no longer on my seat—and I quickly noticed that the man in the seat next to mine was reading the Orange County section of the Times.
I immediately dropped my mood to irritated/bothered and judgmental/blaming. My brain roiled with the thought The nerve of that guy, helping himself to my paper! And just when I was eager to read it, too. But I caught myself before dropping to the even lower levels of self-righteous and angry/hostile. I took a deep breath, reminded myself to not sweat the small stuff, and went to sit down. As soon as I did, I spotted my newspaper: It had fallen to the floor under my seat. The man next to me was reading his own copy of the Times.
He turned out to be a great guy, and we spent part of the flight enjoying a delightful conversation about the very article that had caught my eye.
Isn’t it interesting how quickly our brains jump to blame others and to assume motives for what others do and say, even when there is little or no supporting evidence? Yes, people do the wrong thing sometimes, but in many cases what appears to be a deli
berate misdeed—an act of selfishness, dishonesty, or meanness—turns out to be a misunderstanding, minor carelessness, or an innocent mistake. My newspaper story is a small, humorous example, but cases of inferred intent and needless blaming have also led to divorces, lawsuits, ruined careers, political feuds, and even wars.
Sometimes the people we blame for problems are completely innocent of any wrongdoing, as was the case with my seatmate on the plane. Other times they may have committed the act we blame them for, but with extenuating circumstances that dramatically lessen their degree of guilt.
I heard a story once about an avid nature-lover and conservationist who was on a trip to Yosemite National Park. Pulling into a parking spot near a camping area, he noticed a woman drop a bag of garbage on the ground right next to the trash can. Incensed at this act of carelessness, the man jumped from his car and ran over to vent his irritation—only to notice that the woman was carrying a red and white cane. She was blind and had proudly, and with some difficulty, found the trash can but accidentally missed on the drop.
How many of the things that drive us to the judgmental/blaming floor on the Mood Elevator involve similar, inadvertent mistakes? People cut off other drivers when changing lanes on the freeway because they don’t realize how close the other cars are. A work project doesn’t get completed on time because an important supply delivery was delayed when an order form got lost in the mail. A casual office joke about “annoying in-laws” is perceived as a cruelly insensitive remark by someone whose deeply beloved father-in-law just passed away after a long illness—unbeknownst to her joking co-worker.
All of us have said and done things we regret, especially when we are caught up in low-level thinking. When we are in low-mood states like worried/anxious, defensive/insecure, or stressed/burned-out, we lose some of our emotional intelligence. We may become socially inept and oblivious to the impact we are having on others. The question is, Can those affected by the mistakes we make have the wisdom to understand the underlying causes and shrug off the experience—or do they take it personally, perhaps escalating a small misunderstanding into a bitter, lasting conflict?
On a business trip, I arrived at my hotel quite late at night as a result of a long-delayed flight. I was greeted by one of the most surly, unfriendly desk clerks I have ever encountered. After initially declaring (incorrectly) that I had no reservation, he reluctantly checked me in, all the while complaining about the weather, the city, and having to work late—none of which was of interest to me; I just wanted to check in and go to my room.
It would have been easy for me to become irritated and tell him, “Just do your job and stop bothering me.” Instead, for some reason I’m not quite certain of, I went up a few levels on the Mood Elevator to patient/understanding with a touch of compassion. I found myself feeling sorry for this man whose life seemed so grim. I felt a sense of gratitude for my life compared with his and for the understanding I had that allows me to enjoy it so much. I ended up sympathizing with the clerk about his tough day. “It must be hard,” I remarked. “I’d hate to have to work this late.”
The clerk’s attitude immediately improved. He handed me my room key with a smile and wished me a successful visit in his city. Most importantly, the encounter didn’t ruin my evening. Instead it provided me with another example of how a commitment to living among the higher floors on the Mood Elevator can make your life better.
Making a Fresh Start
Problems like conflicting perspectives, judgment, and blaming don’t arise only in personal relationships; they pose problems for many business organizations as well. That’s why, as part of our corporate training process, Senn Delaney urges leadership teams to assume positive intentions in teammates. One way to practice this is to think about what we call a fresh start. It’s a way of getting past a history of conflict, misunderstanding, or mistrust and moving toward a better, more hopeful future.
Once we have given the team a deeper understanding and experience of the role of thought and the Mood Elevator, we remind them that whatever happened in the past exists now only in memory. Therefore probably little can be done to rectify any friction or trust issues that developed in the past. The healthiest path is to let go of that history and judge one another on how they work together going forward, with their new level of understanding of the principle of life effectiveness.
To enable this, team members must accept the fact that they will see things differently based on their varied points of view. They also need to assume positive intentions in one another. After all, our assumptions determine our reactions to what other people say and do:
If we assume that someone else’s action was spiteful and personal, we will feel justified in being outraged and seeking revenge.
If we assume that someone else’s action was intentional, we will feel justified in being angry and expressing that through our own words and deeds.
If we assume that someone else’s action was caused by gross negligence or apathy, we will feel justified in judging it harshly.
If we assume that someone else’s action was unintentional but that they should have known better, we will feel justified in being irritated and bothered.
But…
If we assume that the other person lacked information, was uninformed, and just did what made sense to them, we can be understanding and patient and work toward a solution.
If we assume and accept that the other person was in a low mood state when they behaved as they did, we can handle the issue with grace, avoid personalizing it, and wait for the right time to resolve the resulting issues.
Notice that the underlying action from past history remains the same; the crucial variable is the spin we put on it. Our assumptions can generate emotions that reflect the full range of the Mood Elevator, from anger and hostility to understanding and appreciation. The choice is ours.
A fresh start requires that we consciously choose to make positive assumptions about one another. When a fresh start is entered into in the right spirit and at the right time, it can revitalize relationships within a group.
The notion of a fresh start can play a powerful role in mending any relationship—at work or in your personal life. We can’t fix the past, but we can move past it and start anew. Sometimes that’s the only way to rebuild a damaged relationship.
Seeing Innocence as a Key to Forgiveness
Moving past injuries and hurts of the past can be very hard to do, especially when you genuinely feel that you were wronged. Even if the person who hurt you has apologized, the incident may stay in your thinking and affect your mood, especially when something happens to remind you of it.
I was out running early one morning while on an East Coast business trip. I needed a few minutes of quiet before a busy day with a client. I also had something on my mind that was bothering me—something someone had done that I couldn’t seem to let go of. As I ran, the memory gnawed at me, making it hard for me to experience the serenity and openness I usually enjoy when I exercise.
I saw an open door of a church. I looked inside, and no one was there. It was peaceful and quiet, with beautiful stained-glass windows. I decided to go inside and see whether different surroundings could help change my mood.
As I sat in one of the pews to relax, I looked up and saw a large statue of Jesus on the cross with the phrase Forgive them for they know not what they do etched below. Somehow those words struck me quite powerfully that day. If Jesus could forgive those who killed him, who was I to hang on to small slights and resentments?
Depending on circumstances, there are many ways to rephrase that sentiment:
Forgive them, for they were in a low mood state, and their low-quality thinking drove their actions.
Forgive them, for they saw things differently than I did.
Forgive them, for they didn’t know how important it was to me.
Forgive them, for they didn’t realize they were hurting me.
When we understand the role of thought in shaping o
ur attitudes and behaviors, it’s easier to see innocence in those around us. Remember that everyone does what makes sense to them based on their thinking. When someone hurts you, disappoints you, or angers you, the cause is rarely personal; it’s unlikely that they are deliberately seeking to injure you. They are just doing what follows from their thinking. In this sense, they are innocent, and forgiveness is an appropriate response.
This doesn’t mean that you should refuse to recognize the bad behavior of others, particularly when it involves a pattern of dishonest, hurtful, or unethical actions. In chapter 4 I explained how Senn Delaney turned down the opportunity to work with Enron because of the company’s history of ruthless behavior—particularly since the company’s leaders told us they saw nothing wrong with their policies and in fact intended to double down on them. Our decision wasn’t based on a feeling of condemnation toward the executives at Enron for being “bad people”—just that it was not a company with which we felt comfortable working. This is the kind of judgment anyone may need to make, and it’s a different matter from nursing anger or resentment over the misdeeds of others.
I also don’t mean to imply that you should allow people to take advantage of you, use you, or abuse you; but whenever possible, you should try to see the innocence in others, if only for your own benefit. When you can see others’ actions without inferring intent on their part, you won’t take things personally and will maintain your bearings. You keep your mental traction, avoid intense emotional reactions, and position yourself to respond to challenges and problems with clarity of vision, insight, and wisdom. The long-term result is a better quality of life and more-satisfying, meaningful relationships.
By contrast, when you assume nefarious motives and ill intentions on the part of other people and hold on to resentment over past injuries, you are the one who suffers. The other person may not even know or care that you are feeling hurt and angry, but it is your quality of life that will deteriorate as you spend more time in the lower mood states.