The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  “He has noticed me,” she growled in answer to the question he had probably asked. “And he’s getting less friendly by the minute.”

  Ferhdessar’s hand stroked her scales, which reassured her for the time being. She tried to focus on the landscape passing below her. Over the past centuries, rain and wind had shaped the surroundings of Nadesh into what it was now: a rolling terrain with hills that were covered with forests. The waterfalls had flowed together into wide rivers.

  After Lilith had left the capital behind her, she had flown over fields of grain. From this altitude, the water mills that grinded the grain with the help of the fast-flowing river had looked like miniature models. Full of admiration, Lilith had gazed down upon the enormous fields of flowers that the Merzians had cultivated in the hills to supply themselves with the pigments they needed for all the colours they used in everyday life. She had descended somewhat and the air displacement caused by her wings had released the lovely scents of the flowers. Upon approaching a village, she had regained height.

  “Who are you talking to?” Kasimirh asked.

  Lilith decided not to answer him. Below her she saw a long line of wagons. The horses snorted wildly when her shadow passed over them, and their riders had great difficulty holding them in check. Some people shouted at her in excitement.

  “Very well, you might not be alone any more, but are you sure that this person is strong enough to protect you from me?”

  “This sorcerer is the best there is,” Lilith snarled at him.

  Kasimirh groaned. “How can you say that? Everything I know I’ve learned from Jakob. There’s nobody who knows more than He.”

  Lilith shook her head and peered at the horizon. The sun stood directly above her, but she was sure that she was flying in the right direction. She had left the wagons far behind her, and the fields of flowers had given way to vast fields of grain that were interspersed with stretches of woods.

  “Dear Lilith, please return to me. Let’s finish what we once started. You’re an important part of Jakob’s plans. Have you never understood that?”

  “How could I understand when you never explained anything to me?”

  Lilith immediately regretted that she had let herself be tempted into giving an answer.

  “Back then, I thought you knew, but now I know that I was wrong to think that. You were too young to understand. I realize that now, but back then you seemed so mature that I kept forgetting you were a child. You always carried out Jakob’s tasks with such determination.”

  Lilith swallowed. “That was a mask, because you never allowed me to think about what I was doing.”

  “I understand that, my child. Please come back, and everything will be different. I’ll prove to you that I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m not mad with you for leaving, but it has grieved me.” Lilith was having doubts. The master had apparently noticed this, because he begged, “I’m sorry for all the times that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I didn’t do enough to soften the pain. But please, give me another chance, Lilith.”

  “How can I be sure that you really have changed?”

  The master answered, but Ferhdessar drew Lilith’s attention. He was leaning forwards and yelled, “Maybe we should take a rest somewhere.”

  Lilith nodded and searched the landscape for a place to land. She saw nothing but trees below her, but suddenly she spotted a small clearing to the right. She changed direction and commenced her landing.

  “What’s going on?”

  Ferhdessar gave her a worried look, but Lilith averted her eyes.

  “We’re talking.” She shrugged as if it meant nothing.

  “I can only hear your side of the conversation and because of the wind I can’t even hear everything you’re saying, but I can’t escape the feeling that he’s winning you over.”

  “No! He’ll never control me like that again!”

  Several minutes passed. Staring into the distance, Lilith was angrily pulling pieces of grass out of the ground. Then she bowed her head. She dropped her voice to a whisper and admitted that the sorcerer was right. “Now that he’s not in my head any more, it feels so stupid. I don’t even understand it myself, but when I hear him talking, he is so convincing. He sounds so sincere.” She shook her head.

  “I thought as much.”

  “That’s why you made me land…”

  “I can’t allow him to get a hold of you again. And by now, I know that you don’t want him to either.”

  Lilith nodded. “Thank you. We have a long journey ahead of us. Shall we get going again?”

  “Are you ready?”

  He regarded her closely. Lilith curled the corners of her mouth up, but it wasn’t a genuine smile. She knew that Ferhdessar wouldn’t buy it. She shrugged and changed back into a dragon. The master immediately entered her mind again.

  “I was afraid you had disappeared again. It would have broken my heart. Fortunately, you’re back.”

  “I’ll never come back. I still don’t regret my decision to leave. It’s the only good thing I ever did while I was with you.”

  “How dare you turn your back on me again?” His voice was suddenly shaking with anger. Lilith had to exert every ounce of will power to refrain from answering him. “Lilith, I won’t allow you to ignore me!”

  He can’t force me to talk to him. He is so far away, what could he do to me?

  “You can’t run away from the plans that Jakob has for you, Lilith. I’ll be waiting for you in Havv’n and it won’t be long before you’ll return to me. It doesn’t matter that you ran away. I’ll even forgive you for what you just said to me. You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll welcome you with open arms.”

  Lilith didn’t say anything. She told herself that his flattering tone was feigned.

  “You can’t escape me, Lilith. I’ve always known that I would get you back someday. And it seems I don’t have to wait much longer.”

  Now she was sure. With every word his voice sounded more threatening.

  “Talk to me! Don’t make me angry. You know you should never make me angry, don’t you? If you behave the way I want you to, nothing bad will happen to you! Answer me!”

  Lilith shivered. The landscape below her became blurred. She squinted to focus, but the pressure in her head was too intense. In the distance she saw a few trees. She had wanted to keep flying but she really needed to rest.

  The landing was rough because she hadn’t judged the distance to the ground right. Ferhdessar was hurled off her back. Lilith was relieved to be able to change back into human form. She was lying on the ground, gasping for air. The sorcerer knelt down beside her and looked worried.

  “Are you all right?”

  “How can I win this fight? He keeps trying to make me change my mind.” Then she whispered, “I’m not strong enough to resist him. This was a mistake.”

  “I knew this would happen,” Ferhdessar mumbled as he lifted her up. He laid her down beneath the shelter of the trees and built a fire. Lilith couldn’t find the nerve to respond to his remark.

  “Do you want to go on?” he asked her.

  Lilith banged her fist on the ground. She was going to prove to both sorcerers that she was strong enough. As she sat up she said resolutely, “Absolutely. You have to go and help the people up north as soon as possible.”

  Now that Lilith was back in human form, her master couldn’t reach her. That made her feel safer. It was already getting harder to imagine why resisting him cost her so much effort. But her fatigue was proof of how hard it had been.

  Ferhdessar produced a small kettle and boiled some water. After that, he handed her a mug.

  “What is this?”

  “It’s just tea.”

  Lilith gratefully drank her tea and looked at Ferhdessar. He stared back at her. There was something in his eyes that she hadn’t seen before. Was it concern? Then Ferhdessar broke a piece off the bread that Ghalatea had given to Lilith.

  “Could you teach me how to pray to Jakob?” he
asked to Lilith’s utter surprise.

  “Don’t you have a different religion?”

  “Jakob is part of the most influential religion in Merzia. And I’m starting to have second thoughts now that I’ve read Kasimirh’s book. The way that he’s preaching Jakob’s message may be wrong, but the faith itself appeals to me. Just like you, I don’t think it’s Jakob who’s wrong in this battle, it’s Kasimirh.” Ferhdessar avoided her gaze. He seemed somewhat shy confessing this, but Lilith could never really tell what he was feeling. It could just as easily be the opposite. “Anyhow, I’d like to learn more about Him and it seems to me that you are a much better teacher than Kasimirh.”

  The fact that Ferhdessar wanted to learn from her made her feel good. It was almost as if they were equals. Lilith said a prayer to thank Jakob for the food. Ferhdessar repeated her words.

  They sat beside each other in silence for a while, until Ferhdessar broke the silence again. “Have you ever thought about the possibility that Jakob is still guiding you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s one of the reasons why I started to have doubts. What are the odds of you ending up in the one place that is the most important in Kasimirh’s plans, without even knowing it?”

  Lilith shrugged. Chrys had also talked about how he didn’t believe in coincidences.

  “Maybe it’s Jakob’s will that you fight against His prophet. He might be offering you a chance to redeem your sins.”

  “I don’t know whether I should believe that, but it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I can redeem my sins – too much has happened – but I can try to counterbalance them with positive actions. The best way to do that is to fight Kasimirh. Come, let’s get going. We have to reach Havv’n before it’s too late to put a stop to Kasimirh.”

  Lilith walked onto the field and let her gaze wander along the horizon. Her hand touched her neck, but she held back from saying the words. Her fear for the master had increased tremendously, and she was dreading getting in touch with him again. Unresolved, she turned around to face Ferhdessar. He was standing in the shadow of the trees, watching her. Then he nodded at her.

  “I’m not afraid of you,” she whispered before she murmured the incantation to set about the change. She hardly noticed Ferhdessar climbing on her shoulders again, because she was immediately plunged into the struggle to shut out her master as much as possible.

  As Lilith flew over fields and lakes, the master kept trying to win her over. He kept bombarding her with sneering remarks and threats. Trees and hills rushed past below her. She had been following the river, but whenever it bore off to find its way through the lowland, Lilith kept heading straight for the north to pick up the course of the river again farther on.

  “Leave me alone!”

  “What makes you think I will? Jakob has a purpose for you. You can’t escape His will. I’ll make sure that you’ll follow His path.”

  “Let me choose my own path,” she begged.

  “You, Lilith, are incapable of making your own decisions. I made you into who you are! And that’s why I’ll get you back!”

  Ferhdessar patted Lilith’s neck. It helped her to drive out her master’s voice for a short while. She became aware of the fact that her wings hit the crowns of the trees with every beat. She was losing height. Lilith regained height and searched the landscape for something she could focus on. It wasn’t long, however, before the master took full control of her thoughts again.

  “You belong to Jakob, and since I’m His messenger, you are mine.”

  She shivered and started to pray to Jakob. She begged Him to save her from her master. Kasimirh laughed.

  “Do you really think that He will help you? It was Jakob who gave me these gifts. He gave me the task to unite the people under His rule. It pleases me that you haven’t turned your back on Him yet, but your prayers won’t help you. You’re going to have to come to terms with your destiny.”

  “Maybe Jakob is sending me to you to fight against you!” Lilith was trying to sound convincing, but her words were littered with doubt, because she didn’t know if she believed them herself.

  Kasimirh’s laugh cut through her mind. “Has Ferhdessar told you that nonsense? Jakob did indeed see you as a weapon, but not to defeat me. He gave me power over you, so we could fight the heathens together.”

  “There might have been a time when you controlled me, but not any more,” Lilith stammered. If only she could rely on the things that Ferhdessar had told her. If she could truly believe, heart and soul, that Jakob hadn’t deserted her yet, it probably wouldn’t be this hard to withstand Kasimirh.

  “Do you really believe that? My power over you has never waned. It’s as strong as when you used to live with me.”

  The master spoke the incantation to change her back into human form. Lilith flapped her wings, but the membranes were already disappearing, making it impossible to catch the wind. Ferhdessar fell down, giving her a look of horror. That helped her regain control over her body. She accelerated her descent and grabbed hold of Ferhdessar. Branches hit her body before she was able to change back into a dragon. With powerful wingbeats she managed to regain height. Her heart was in her throat. She was looking for a good place to land, but all she could see below her were trees.

  “See, Lilith, I taught you everything you know. I will get you back, and I’ll keep controlling your mind until I do. You renewed the ties between us, and this time I won’t let you get away. That’s a promise.”

  He kept talking and talking. At long last she spotted a lake. She landed on the shore.

  “I’m sorry, Ferhdessar, I can’t go on.”

  They sat in silence for a while. Her headache was killing her. Lilith pressed the palms of her hands against her temples. She closed her eyes and let the spring sun warm her. She tried to relax by thinking of other things, but the master hadn’t lied. He controlled her thoughts and there wasn’t so much as a corner in her mind where she could find shelter against him.

  “What happened?” Ferhdessar asked cautiously, rubbing his arm. Lilith had clenched her claw too tightly around his body.

  “It feels as if he’s slowly drawing me towards him. I don’t know if I can even fight him any more. So much has happened…” She fell silent again. “The incantations also work when my master speaks them. I’ve known that for a very long time.”

  She could tell that Ferhdessar instantly understood what had happened. He looked at her with great concern. She pulled up her knees and shivered uncontrollably. She hid her head in her arms. Now and again, she uttered soft, plaintive noises.

  “Are you in pain?”

  “It’s a memory,” she answered. Lilith remained quiet for a while. She rested her arms on her knees and stared into the distance. “My first flight…” she began. “I was allowed to fly for the first time. I didn’t even know that I could fly. It was wonderful. The wind whirled around my body, and every beat of my wings made me go faster. Full of amazement, I looked down at my shadow gliding over the ground. In spite of my enormous body, I felt weightless.”

  She smiled. That was the good part of her memory. She could, however, never have suspected what her master was about to do to her.

  “I flew over the mountains and the plains. Zebras bolted in front of me, but when I saw a village looming up in the distance, I decided to turn back. I was afraid of the people, my master had warned me about them, after all. But I was also getting tired, which made it harder to flap my wings. When I reached the mountains, I rose one last time.”

  She pressed her hands against her temples again and her eyes were squeezed closed. She gasped, “That was when my master made me change. I saw how the rocks rapidly came closer and I screamed for him to change me back. The wind whooshed past my body and it felt like I was falling forever. There was nothing I could do but wait for the impact.” She sighed. “All the air was pressed from my lungs when I hit the rocks. I heard the bones in my arms splinter, and I felt excruciating pain in my en
tire body. Back then, I wasn’t used to pain yet. Defeated, I didn’t get up. I couldn’t understand why he had done this to me. I felt so lonely.”

  There was a prolonged silence. Finally Ferhdessar said, “That alone should be enough to hate him…”

  He couldn’t hide the anger in his voice. Lilith, however, shrugged indecisively. She knew why Ferhdessar came to that conclusion, but it wasn’t as simple as that.

  “I’ll tell you what happened next. Maybe it will help you understand that hating him isn’t as self-evident as you think.

  When the evening fell, I got up to fly back home. I was immediately summoned to my master’s room. I was so confused; feelings of grief and anger took turns. But the strongest emotion was fear. Fear of the man I was dependent on and who I had trusted all my life. He asked me why I was angry and explained to me that it was my own fault that I had fallen.”

  “What!” Ferhdessar shouted infuriated.

  Lilith raised her hand. “I could have changed myself back into a dragon. After all, I knew the incantation too. It had been a lesson to prepare me for what might happen if I encountered humans.”

  “What a bunch of lies,” the sorcerer hissed.

  Vexed, Lilith looked up. “Of course they were, but I didn’t know that back then. He seemed so sincere. I could see the sorrow in his eyes and started to doubt myself. He told me to lie down on his bed. He took my pain away and I fell asleep. The following days he helped me eat and taught me how to read. Every time I moaned, I saw pity in his eyes. Since he took such good care of me, I couldn’t but think that he truly had meant to teach me an important lesson and that he had my best interests at heart. I trusted him even more than before.”

  Ferhdessar grumbled but didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sure you think it’s crazy, but sometimes I really see him as a caring man. Not as the tyrant that you see and who I decided to run away from.”

  “You ought to fight, offer resistance, set everything straight…” He fell silent and looked at her. Then he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Lilith, this is the last thing you need right now. I’m not good at these things…” He was fumbling for words. “I can imagine why you see it like that. It’s been your life for such a long time, and the only way for you to survive. It must all be extremely confusing to you. Believe me when I say that I just want to help you see things clearly.”