“You remind me of a woman who means very much to me,” Lilith said, thinking about Ghalatea.
Ohinde smiled. “That’s a compliment.”
Lilith nodded. She didn’t add that, if it were up to Kasimirh, she would have to kill the Ancilla Princeps as well. Ghalatea served the king unconditionally and would never join the sorcerer. Killing her because the master told her to, would be the ultimate test of her loyalty.
Stupid cow.
What had possessed her to have trusted Kasimirh so soon again? She hadn’t fled for nothing. Both Ferhdessar and the master wanted the same thing from her, they were only interested in her powers as a dragon.
“Then, why don’t you go to her?” Ohinde asked.
“That would be just as bad as returning to Kasimirh.”
“I don’t understand…”
“Neither do I!” Lilith screamed. “I don’t know what to do any more! It is all so confusing! I hate not knowing what to do!”
The baby started to cry, and Lilith fell to her knees. She screamed and pulled at her hair. The baby started screaming even more hysterically.
Ohinde’s gaze wandered from her baby to Lilith and back. She picked up the infant and knelt beside Lilith.
“I’m sorry that I frightened her,” Lilith whispered, looking at the crying baby. She held her little hand and caressed it with her thumb, meanwhile trying to hush her in a soft voice.
Ohinde was in two minds, but then pushed the baby into Lilith’s arms. “Soothe her, it will help you calm down as well.”
Lilith rose to her feet and started walking to and fro with the child in her arms. Ohinde kept a close eye on her. Lilith sat down carefully and changed her hold on the baby so as to have a better look at her. The little girl reached out her hands to Lilith and gurgled, but as soon as Lilith said something to her she crowed with pleasure.
“She likes it when you talk to her.” Ohinde watched from a distance. She was smiling again.
“She doesn’t understand me.”
“That doesn’t matter to her.”
Lilith looked at the little girl. “Well then, what do you want me to tell you?”
The girl laughed and touched Lilith’s lips with her little fingers. Lilith started talking, and before she knew it she was telling the baby about her nightmare. Startled, she said, “I don’t want to scare you, little one.” The child, however, was still laughing. Lilith whispered, “And do you know what happened next? The dragon rose on his hind legs and tore free of the chains. Then she flew away and left the two sorcerers behind on the shore. With powerful beats of her wings she flew further and further away from them and began her own journey.”
The little girl clapped her hands enthusiastically, and Lilith laughed out loud. “Yes, I like that too.” She gave the girl a kiss on her downy hair. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Ohinde took her baby from Lilith and said with a grave face: “I think you should talk to Niul.”
Lilith bit her lip. “He’s a sorcerer.”
“But he can help you find the dragon.”
“Who says that I want to!”
“No one. I just have a feeling that you do, because of the questions you asked earlier and the story you just told.”
Lilith shrugged defiantly. She sat against the wall and covered her eyes with her hands. Thoughts were spinning in her head. She felt even more confused now. Flames ripped through the blackness of her eyelids. Ever more flames, until the orange light exploded into a bright flash. Right in front of her, almost within reach, there hovered a white dragon. With the beat of his wings he put out the flames and dispelled her thoughts. The dragon looked at her in complete and utter silence, and disappeared.
The next morning, Lilith sneaked out of Ohinde’s house at the crack of dawn and walked through the abandoned village. When she came to Niul’s house she hesitated. The sky was turning orange. Maybe she was too early. She didn’t want to disturb the sorcerer while he was sleeping.
Icamm had told her the night before that he would take her to the harbour today. Lilith had been waiting for this news for days, but now that the moment was finally there, she knew she had only one last chance to straighten everything out. That was why she had gotten up so early.
“Good morning, Lilith. Are you looking for me?”
She turned around and saw Niul approaching barefoot through the thin layer of mist that hung just above the ground. His wet hair gave off an orange glow in the morning light, and he had a blanket tied around his waist. He led the way, and Lilith followed him into his house.
Ill at ease, she stood in the middle of the room as Niul got dressed.
“I might want to do the ritual. I think you were right that this will keep haunting me if I don’t know exactly what happened.”
“I suspected as much. It’s good that you changed your mind.”
Niul left the room and returned with some animal hides. He spread them out next to the fire. Then he threw some herbs into the fire and waved the smoke towards Lilith. The smells irritated her nose, but they did make her feel more at ease. Niul reached out his hand to her and helped her lie down.
“Can you trust me without an explanation of what’s going to happen?”
Lilith gave a tense nod as she laid her head on the fur. Niul stroked her forehead and closed her eyes with a tender motion. He sat down next to her head and placed his hands on her temples. Lilith concentrated on his voice.
She slowly drifted off to the monotonous sounds of the song that Niul was singing. Lilith became scared. Her fingers clutched the fur of the animal hide that she was lying on. She fought against the stream that she was drifting on and was about to give up when her feet suddenly turned cold. Even though her eyes were still closed, she could see the water flowing around her paws.
Lilith took in her surroundings. She recognized the place, because she had been working there to rebuild the city. It was close to the gate. Waves were washing servi ashore, where they were killed by the Merzians. Lilith tilted her head back, and her nostrils dilated. She smelled the salt of the sea, but the smells of battle were stronger. It wasn’t so much the blood, but the sweaty smell of fear. It reminded her of previous battles. She despised the ones who were scared. Fear was a weakness.
So, when Ferhdessar ordered her to attack, she attacked without hesitation. She grabbed a servus by his leg and pulled him out of the water. She eyed him inquisitively and killed the creature with a quick movement of her claws. She was proud that she could kill so easily. Her power was all the confirmation she needed to justify the killing. This was her task as a dragon. An overwhelming feeling of power washed over her. The sorcerer on her shoulders was spurring her on, but that was hardly necessary. She enjoyed what she was doing.
Her shout of euphoria brought forth flames as well. From the corner of her eye she saw humans surrounded by fire, but the reality of that hardly registered. The counter-attack of the Muircadhi drew her attention. Lilith clawed at a servus climbing up her belly. He cut the flesh between her thumb and index finger.
All she felt now was rage. A cold, cruel fury. Completely indifferent, she did what she had always done – kill – until the Muircadhi fled. Ferhdessar told her to take flight, and slowly she drifted back to reality.
Niul removed his hands from her temples. Lilith turned onto her side and pulled up her knees. She had gotten the answer that she hadn’t wanted to hear: the fighting had been much too easy. Ferhdessar hadn’t really forced her, quite the opposite, he’d had to restrain her. She had destroyed everything in her path, without thinking twice.
Pain was pounding her forehead from the inside and she squealed. The thought came to her that the difference between her as a human and as a dragon was so great, that it was a good thing that she didn’t have her amulet any more. At the same time, she realized that she was perfectly capable of the same kind of violence in human form, if only she had the power. After all, it wasn’t so long ago that she had almost killed some humans in a blind fury
.
Minutes passed before Niul helped her sit up. Lilith cooperated, but kept her hands in front of her face. Again, the sorcerer gave her some time before he pulled her hands away.
“I don’t want to be like that,” Lilith whispered, “but maybe I have no choice.”
“Do you think it’s your destiny?”
Lilith cast down her eyes. “My master always thought as much. He said that Jakob had chosen me to serve Him.” Then she whispered, “The sorcerers even created my species to fight.”
Niul scrutinized her before he let go of her hands and sat down next to her. He stared into the flames for a while. “I do believe in destiny, but I don’t think it can be so compelling that you can’t do anything about it. There’s no God who can make you do anything that you don’t want to do. You can always resist. You always have a choice.”
“I don’t know what to do, Niul. All I have ever done is fight for Jakob. If I decide that I don’t want to do that any more, that automatically places me on the side of Ferhdessar. And what awaits me there is the exact same.”
“I don’t think so. Ferhdessar probably had no other choice than to make you fight, but I don’t think he will do that again. Anyway, that doesn’t really matter now, you can also decide to no longer participate in this battle. The world is much bigger than Merzia and Naftalia.”
“The world will never be big enough if Kasimirh succeeds in his plans. It’s pointless. Sooner or later, Kasimirh will find me, because his goal is to submit the entire world to Jakob. I can’t run forever.”
“Maybe not, but you still have time. You are free to choose your own path and think about what you want. I know too little about you to help you, though.”
Lilith was surprised. “I thought you knew everything by now.”
“No, I helped you see, but I don’t receive the images myself. I can only guess what happened.” His eyes started to shine. “But I am very curious why everyone is so interested in a petite woman like you.”
Lilith knew that she didn’t have to say anything, but that morning she had decided to trust Niul, so she might as well tell him. “I’m a dragonshifter.” She averted her head and hid her hands in her sleeves.
“Just one sentence, but it makes everything so much clearer. You were wrong, Lilith. The sorcerers didn’t create the shapeshifters to fight. They gave the Nicasians this gift so they could be free.”
To be free, that sounded very alluring. But she had decided long ago that freedom was an illusion. There was a long silence.
“Are you leaving today?” Niul asked at long last.
Lilith shrugged. “I’m scared to go, that’s why I came to you. I had hoped the ritual would have made things easier, but it hasn’t.” She sighed. “Unfortunately.”
“It has cleared some things up, hasn’t it?”
“Yes, it has.” She sighed again, followed by a scornful laugh. “Maybe I had hoped to become so angry with Ferhdessar that I wanted revenge with all my heart. So angry, that it made me determined to go to Kasimirh and do what he ordered me. But all it has done is make me realize how much I detest the dragon in me. How scared I am of the violence inside and the feeling it gives me. It’s too beautiful, too strong…” Lilith hid her face in her hands. “Too destructive.”
“You’re not the only dragon who grapples with this, Lilith. The first dragonshifter felt the same. Thibauld filled numerous diaries with his doubts and the difficulties of keeping a level head during his resistance work. He repeatedly wrote that the temptation to go all out was almost too strong, and that he was glad his human side helped him put things into perspective. Maybe the sorcerers were wrong to create dragonshifters, but it is what it is.”
“Can’t you undo it? Please, Niul, make me just human.”
He shook his head. “You need to restore the balance between both sides, just like Thibauld did. He didn’t only focus on the negatives. Because of his gift, he was able to help people, even long after the Hurath had been driven off.”
“To me, it isn’t a gift. It’s a curse.”
“I understand, but I can’t do what you ask of me, even if I wanted to. You’ll have to find a way to deal with it.”
“But it’s the only solution. If I can’t change any more, no one will be interested in me. Everyone will leave me alone!” Lilith rose to her feet.
Niul gave her a look full of compassion. “I’m sorry, Lilith. I feel responsible for what happens to you, and I want to help you, but I can’t do what you ask of me. I don’t have that power.”
Lilith took a few steps in the direction of the door before she fell to her knees. Growling, she clenched her fists. She bit her knuckles to calm down.
“It seems to me that there is only one thing that you can do,” Niul whispered. “Learn the value of your dragon side. Convince yourself that it doesn’t only bring destruction. It can give you so much more. Power doesn’t need to be negative. There’s only one thing that you can do: rediscover yourself and find your true qualities.”
Lilith lowered her hands slowly. Maybe Niul was right. And even if he wasn’t, she didn’t have any alternatives. The ritual had made one thing very clear: she didn’t want to go back to Kasimirh or Ferhdessar.
Her fingers felt around for the little pouch that Ghalatea had given her on her departure from Nadesh. It was to help her find her way home. She had always thought it would bring her back to Chrys.
Had Chrys still been alive, he would definitely have encouraged her to go find herself. He had been the first person to like her for who she was and he had admired her dragon side as well. Ghalatea had cared because she had thought Lilith to be a helpless girl. Ferhdessar and Yvar saw her as a weapon, just like Kasimirh. Lilith was growing more determined. She would honour Chrys by doing what she had promised him. She was going to set things straight by finding a way to help others.
“Ohinde told me that a dragon lives nearby. Can you tell me how I can find him?” Lilith asked at long last.
Niul stood up. “That sounds like a great idea. Even if this Kasimirh conquers the entire world, it will be a long time before he finds you there.”
He rummaged around in the corners of his hut. Lilith tried to see what he was doing, but could only see him opening and closing chests. Meanwhile, he talked to her.
“We will help you. We’re going on a whale hunt soon. This requires us to travel far north, in the direction where you need to go. The dragon lives somewhere on the ice sheets, and I might have a way to find him.” Then he mumbled something unintelligible, and after a while he turned back to face her.
He handed her a pouch. It was made of small, glittering, white scales. She brushed the pouch with her fingers. Even though the material was hard, the pouch itself was very supple. It was tied with a leather lace that had beads of gems on its ends. Lilith hesitated.
“Go on, open it. It’s yours now,“ Niul encouraged her.
Lilith’s hand disappeared into the pouch. She felt a smooth object. She carefully took it out of the bag and was surprised when she saw it. She was holding a flute that looked like it was made of ice. The mouthpiece was narrow, but the flute became wider towards the end. It was carved into the head of a beautiful dragon. She turned the flute around and looked at it from all sides.
“What is it?” she asked with excitement in her voice.
“Ohinde told you about the war against the servi. After the servi had been driven off, the dragon gave us this flute. With it, we can call for his help whenever we need it.”
Lilith couldn’t stop looking at the object. The longer she looked, the more details she noticed. “I think this is the right path.” And for the first time it really felt that way.
Lilith walked back to the village. It was drizzling and the sun that had appeared over the mountains so promising this morning, was no longer visible. The trees that surrounded the village were swaying in the wind. Icamm hadn’t lied when he had said that the weather was too bad to travel in. Lilith thanked Jakob, because if it hadn�
��t been for the weather, she would have been on her way back to Kasimirh by now. The foul weather had given her time to rethink her plans.
12
A wave washed over the deck. The sea was rough, but for the first time in days it wasn’t raining. Seraph held on to the rail and stared into the distance. Even though it was the end of the afternoon, the grey clouds made it appear night. It looked like it wasn’t going to stay dry for long, but that wasn’t what had drawn Seraph’s attention. The sailor in the crow’s nest had just called out that they were approaching land.
Nander came to stand next to him. He had gathered their things from the cabin, so that they could go ashore straight away. Seraph pointed at the dark line that was now visible to the people on deck as well. “Almost…”
Nander nodded.
Seraph touched the wristband that Kasimirh had given him. Against the sorcerer’s wishes, he had tried to continue with his attacks on the villages, but the unremitting pain is his body had ultimately forced him to go after Lilith.
“Where are you?” he whispered. His eyes scanned the horizon. “Can you feel us coming?”
The look on her face when they caught her would make up for this wretched journey. Kasimirh had said that Lilith wanted to come back, but Seraph didn’t believe that. She knew very well what was waiting for her if she returned to Kasimirh. She was bound to put up a fight, but Seraph was going to win. Like he always had.
Slowly but surely, the harbour came closer. The activity on deck increased when the captain commanded a change of tack. The ship ploughed diagonally through the waves.
“Luckily, we can fly on the way back,” Nander remarked.
They could now even make out the people walking on the quay, and not much later Seraph could hear them scream at each other. The distance between shore and ship became smaller and smaller.
The Lilith Trilogy Box Set Page 39