by Kevin Leman
In short, bullies and bullying should never be treated lightly.
Carelessness with Money
“Every time Timothy gets money, he seems to lose it. So he’s always asking for more.”
“As soon as Jan gets money from her grandma, she spends it. And it’s usually on things that I think are really—uh, how else can I say this?—stupid. How can I teach her the value of money?”
Let me ask you a question: where do your children get their money? If you haven’t yet read the section on allowances, now’s the time to do so.
If you started your child on an allowance at 5 years old and he seems to always be losing his money, perhaps he’s too young to have an allowance. Maybe you should wait until he’s 7 and can keep better track of his money. Every child is unique—and that includes the rate at which their level of responsibility grows.
But let’s say your child loses his allowance the first week you give it to him. What should you do? The number 1 rule is: don’t replace it. When you’re at a 7-Eleven and he wants a Slurpee, say, “Sure, you can buy one with your allowance if you want.”
“Uh, I don’t know where my money is,” he says.
Your response? “When you find your allowance, bring it with you next time we come, and you can buy a Slurpee.”
Think that kid will keep better track of his money?
If your child tends to spend money carelessly—always buying whatever he wants at the moment rather than saving up for something special—simply let reality be the teacher. When your son wants that new bike, say, “Sure, Jeff, you can buy that with your money.” And when he gets that crestfallen look, knowing he’s spent all his money on things that have already been eaten or discarded or broken, don’t rescue him. When your daughter gets her ears pierced and wants to get diamond studs for her “new look,” don’t fall for her “Please, Mom!” If you let her save her money, you can bet she’ll take much better care of those diamond studs.
Cell Phones
“But, Dad, all my friends have them!”
“When Jason started playing football in junior high, we got him a cell phone. That way I knew I could work in the office until he called me from the locker room to say he was done. By the time he took a shower, I was there to pick him up.”
Cell phone or no cell phone? At what age should you consider getting a child a cell phone?
You see it everywhere these days: kids walking down the street and even into school, talking on their cell phones. The other day I walked into my daughter’s school and saw a first grader talking on a cell phone . . . and it wasn’t a pretend one either.
When our daughter Lauren was 14, she really wanted a cell phone. All her friends had one. So Sande cut her a deal that she’d get her one for her birthday in the summer if she continued to do well at school.
I’m not crazy about younger children having cell phones. Children don’t need them and can’t use them during school (at least in most schools). Yet 6- and 8-year-olds have them. That’s crazy! In most cases it’s only a vanity thing (“hey, look at me”). In my book, children should be at least 15 years of age—close to getting a driver’s permit or license—before considering getting them a cell phone. On the other hand, if my son or daughter was driving a vehicle or out by himself or herself, I’d be the first one in line to buy a cell phone for safety reasons.
If your child begs for a cell phone, consider these things:
1. Does she really need a cell phone to contact you? Or is it just to be “cool”?
2. How responsible is your child? Will she keep track of the cell phone or leave it somewhere?
3. Who is going to pay for the cell phone? If it’s your child’s, she should pay for not only the cell phone itself (that will tell you how badly she wants it, if it has to come out of “her” money) but also the monthly bill when she racks up too many charges texting her friends. If she needs to call you, you could pay for the flat rate but never for any charges beyond that. If she doesn’t pay the bill, the cell phone is discontinued.
4. Having a cell phone encourages even more telephone time with friends. Is your child doing well in school? Is she getting her homework done? Is she a responsible family member, helping out when things are needed?
A cell phone should be a perk, not a given. With it comes extra responsibility.
Cheating
“I was shocked when I got a note from Kent’s teacher. She had given him an F on his biology exam because she caught him cheating with his cell phone. When I asked him if it was true, he admitted it. At least he was honest about that!”
Well, they say confession is good for the soul, so here goes. I would still be in Latin 1 if it weren’t for a guy named Carl Maahs. When it came to exam time, I simply said, “Hey, Maahs, would you lower your left shoulder?” If not for his kind gesture, I’d still be in that class. I was taking it as a sophomore in high school, and I’d already flunked it twice.
Then there was my sociology class when I was a freshman in college. Some unnamed woman, God bless her, had a very natural slouch. That slouch helped me pass my final exam. During that class, we’d studied the Dobu Zuni and Kwakiutl Indians. Our teacher was one of those deep thinkers talking to the babbling brook. He might as well have been speaking in Arabic for all the good it did me.
Let’s be honest. Everyone has cheated sometime. So when a child is caught cheating, it’s good to come alongside her and establish what I call equality. Tell your child, “Hey, I’ve been there. There have been times in my life when I’ve cheated too. All I can tell you is that it doesn’t make you feel good after the fact, and you end up paying for it. Sometimes you pay for it by having someone flunk you in their course or sue you for plagiarism. It’s just not worth it. ”
It’s also important to own up to your own feelings about the matter. “Honey, I’m disappointed in what you did. I wish you wouldn’t have done it.” Note that there is a big difference between saying you’re disappointed in what they did and saying you’re disappointed in who they are. Your child needs to know that you love him no matter what—but sometimes you don’t like what he does.
If a child repeatedly cheats, the smart thing for a parent to do is to put the ball back in the school administration’s court. Let them pronounce a just sentence on your son or daughter. My experience has been that when a stranger or someone outside the family administers discipline, it usually carries a little more weight . . . and fear.
Cheating is a molehill, not a mountain—unless it’s a repeated behavior. The smart parent doesn’t hold a onetime event like cheating over their child’s head. Just address it and move on.
Chores
“Ah, Mom, do I have to?”
“I’m so sick of doing all the work around here.”
Every household has tasks that need to get done, and every family member needs to pitch in and help. That means everyone from the youngest child to the oldest child to the parents. There are a lot of things young children can do, such as setting the table, washing the dishes, putting in a load of laundry, gathering garbage, sweeping off the porch, washing the car, taking care of pets. As children get older, they can help with more advanced tasks, such as cutting the lawn, running to the store for groceries, changing oil in the car, researching places on the computer to go for a family vacation, etc.
Every child will forget every once in a while. When a child forgets, it’s not a mountain, so don’t make it one. Simply say, “Honey, I know you must have hurried off to school because you forgot to walk the dog. I saw that Rosie was doing the potty dance, so I took her out myself.” Much of the time, the child will respond, “Oh, thanks, Mom. I did forget. I’m so sorry!” and that’s the end of it. The next day he’ll remember.
But if forgetting to walk the dog becomes a constant thing, you need to do something different to get your child’s attention. The best thing I’ve found is to hit the child financially in the pocketbook. There are no warnings, no threats, no whining, no fighting. Simply pay someone e
lse (or yourself, if there is no one else) for doing that task, then deduct the money from the child’s allowance. Your message will get across, loud and clear. Family—and what the family needs to get done—must come first.
This mom’s action reaped swift results:
“Jason is supposed to take the garbage out every week. When he didn’t do it for the third week in a row, my girlfriend gave me an idea that she used with her teenage son to get the point across. She collected all the garbage from the house and outside garbage cans and put it in her son’s room after he’d left for school. She closed his bedroom door and left the stinky garbage in his room all day. By the time he came home, it smelled really rank in there. I tried the same thing with Jason. Hey, a desperate mom’s gotta do what she’s gotta do! He got the picture, especially when his girlfriend just happened to walk home with him after school that day. That was 6 months ago, and since then he always remembers Monday is trash day. He’s usually up a little early to get it out the door. When Jason found out I meant business, he stopped complaining about other things I asked him to do too.”
Christmas Gifts (the “Gimme Gimme” Syndrome)
“It never stops. Even before Thanksgiving, she’s got a list of things she wants that’s several pages long.”
“My boss gave his son a motorcycle for Christmas. And his son is only 17!”
Children get far too many things these days, especially children in middle income and affluent homes. It’s the smart parent who’s able to discern the difference between what children need and what they want.
“I cringe every time I’m at my in-laws’ for Christmas,” Jill told me. “Everyone rips open presents all at once and it’s over within 5 minutes . . . except for the complaining they do about the presents they didn’t want.”
In today’s materialistic society, children see—and thus want—more and more things. But does that mean they should get them? These days, children tend to be less and less thankful because they receive so much.
What does Christmas really mean to you? Do you want your children to think it’s all about “gimme gimme”? Or do you want your children to understand what giving and sacrifice is all about?
I suggest to parents that they minimize the number of gifts that kids are given. The Billings family, for example, has 3 children. Each of the children receives a large gift, which has been thoughtfully considered for its long-term value, and a stocking stuffer. Their 9-year-old received a mandolin and lesson books and tapes, which she’d been dreaming about. Their 10-year-old got ice skates and a 6-month membership at the local skating rink. Their 13-year-old got a gift certificate for a week of horse camp the following summer. Such gifts show just how well the parents know their children and will value lasting experiences instead of spending money on plastic toys that will break or get lost.
One of the things we Lemans have always done as a family is to help a needy family at Christmastime. We provide the necessities of life—groceries, clothing, etc.—as well as some fun little surprises for the children of that family to open on Christmas. As our children have delivered these gifts with us throughout the years, they’ve developed tender hearts toward those in need. That’s a character quality that will last a lifetime!
You can’t always control the number of gifts your child receives since some of those gifts are from other people, but you can do this:
whenever you open your gifts, have one person open one gift at a time so the children aren’t just going from thing to thing, ripping packages open wildly and not even considering who gave the gift or how much sacrifice went into giving it. Many families also insist that before that gift is played with, the child needs to thank the giver (whether in person, by note, or with a phone call).
Let’s face it. We all know children who are never thankful. No gift they receive is ever enough or good enough. A well-to-do father approached me a couple years ago, torn about what to do with his daughter. He admitted that he has a lot of money and that he has showered her with presents. Anytime she wanted to drive the posh family car, she got it. She was always going out with friends, shopping, going to lunch. Basically she was a wild hair doing whatever she wanted to do. She was mouthy, calling her mom “bleepin’ b—h” and her father other choice words when she didn’t get what she wanted.
This year she announced that she wanted an iPhone for Christmas.
And the father didn’t know what to do. He had always flooded her with designer this and that for her birthday, Christmas, and many times in between. But, to put it bluntly, she had turned into a brat.
I suggested to the father that instead of putting a Christmas present under the tree, he should put a letter that said this:
Because we love you so much, your Christmas gift is this letter. There will be no iPhone and no other gifts this year. This is a year where you need to sit back and think about how you treat your parents, your sister, your brother, and your friends at school.
Love, Mom and Dad
The father gulped and turned a little pale, but he did it. And that Christmas morning, he got the message across to his daughter that he loved her but that he would not tolerate her behavior any longer.
What do your children really need this Christmas? I’ll answer that question with this little anecdote. I write a weekly column for a Tucson, Arizona, newspaper. One year they asked me to write on this topic: “What does your wife want most for Christmas?” My answer? “To be treated with kindness and respect all year long.” Evidently that column had an impact because I received a lot of letters about it. An insurance sales guy even stopped me at a ball game to tell me what a great piece of advice that was and how much he needed it. “I make a lot of money,” he admitted, “and I give my wife a lot of things. But I’ve taken too many liberties with her in too many areas. I have not respected her or treated her kindly. It took that article to make me realize that things really don’t matter. My wife needs my respect, love, kindness . . . and time. You’ve opened my eyes.”
What do children need way more than the “gimmes”? They need parents who will respect them, treat them kindly (and help them learn to treat others likewise), and give them the gift of their time. Those are gifts of a lifetime, not trinkets that will rust or break.
Common Courtesy
This one doesn’t need any examples, because you know exactly what I mean. Whatever happened to common courtesy these days? It always astounds and annoys me as a car-pool dad when I drive a child home in my car after an activity and don’t even receive a “Thanks, Mr. Leman, for taking me home.” Isn’t that basic manners? I wonder to myself.
Contrast that with my little grandson, Conner, who, ever since he was 3, always thanks his grandma and me without prompting from his mother every time he comes over to play. He thanks us when we get him a drink or his favorite cookie. If a 3-year-old can remember to say thanks, why can’t a teenager? Could it be that he simply hasn’t been instructed at home as to what to do and say?
If you have a young child, start now by instructing him in what to say. Children don’t learn how to say thank you without some prompting. It’s not uncommon for a mom of a young child to say, “What do you say?” as a prompting when he receives a kindness.
Then the child remembers, Oh, I’m supposed to say thank you. If a mom reinforces this over and over, by the time a child is 3 it should come out naturally, without a reminder.
In the same way, kids don’t learn basic manners without teaching and prompting. So teach your child how to say please and thank you. If you haven’t taught your children basic manners, it’s never too late tostart. Teach her how to put a napkin in her lap, which fork to use first if there is more than one, and how to hold her utensils. Teach her to cough into her elbow rather than into someone’s face or into her hand before touching a doorknob. Teach him that belching and other bodily noises aren’t polite behavior in public.
Why not turn learning manners into creative fun at the dinner table? Play the “Catch Someone Not Using Go
od Manners” game. Everyone loves it in our house. At the dinner table, put a stack of coins in front of each adult and each child (ages 6 through 10 works best). If you catch someone not using good manners, you get to take a coin off their pile and add it to yours. If you’re a goofy daddy like me, you might chew with your mouth open, just so someone can catch you. You could order, “Pass the potatoes” and wait for someone to correct you with “Please pass the potatoes.” You could even burp. Be creative with the ways you reinforce this. Your child will love it. They need a mom or dad to make a few mistakes along the way. So why not invent a few as teachable moments for the kids?
Let’s say your child receives a gift. After the age of 3, your child shouldn’t be prompted to say thank you. If he doesn’t say thank you on his own, when you get in the car, what could you do? Simply say, “Honey, I noticed you didn’t say thank you to Mrs. So-and-so for the gift she gave you.”
“Oh, Mommy, I forgot,” the child is likely to say.
“Okay, thanks for letting me know. I’ll hold on to this gift until you are able to thank Mrs. So-and-so with a note or a phone call.”
What are you really doing in this situation? You’re not coming down on your child, beating him into the ground for forgetting to say thank you and embarrassing you. Instead, you’re teaching your child to do the right thing by delaying gratification (which goes against the grain of a child who usually wants to play with that toy right away) until the task is accomplished.
Communicating/Not Wanting to Communicate
“How was school today?”
“Fine.”
“How did your test go?”