by Kevin Leman
Your role? Just sit back and wait for that teachable moment. It may not come for 6 hours, depending on what day of the week it is. But there will come a time when she wants something from you, when she needs you to do something— that’s the time you’re waiting for. The fact is, your children need you all the time; they just don’t realize it. You hold the keys to everything in their life and about their life, and they can do little without a parent’s cooperation. You, by nature, are the powerful one. Not them. Yet so many parents give up that position of power to their child by giving in to the child’s mouthiness and demands.
When your child needs something and asks you, your answer, no matter what the request is, has to be no. Your child will get agitated. “But, Mom, you always let me do that. What’s the deal?”
Now’s the time to let your child work through the problem a little. “I don’t like the way you talked to me this morning, so I don’t feel like doing anything. So no, you can’t do that.”
Some children, especially powerful children, will try to argue you out of your decision. They try to hit you from every angle, including the guilt one: “But, Mom, you know I didn’t mean what I said. . . . Everyone gets angry sometimes. . . . Don’t you love me?”
Other children will say, “I’m sorry.” Some will mean it; others will say it just to get you to do what they want you to do.
But the scenario doesn’t stop there. Now tell your child how what she said made you feel. “When you talk to me like that, you’re basically saying I don’t count in your life. My existence doesn’t matter. You don’t value or respect me. You don’t want me involved in your life. So I’m choosing not to be involved right now.”
Takes the fun out of talking back, doesn’t it?
This is a huge mountain between parents and children. You have to deal with these things as they come up, because without respect, there can be no relationship.
It may take several days of you saying no for the child to fully get the picture. After those days have passed, to clinch the deal, you can add, “You’ve treated me like I’m your slave for a long time. But I am not your slave—someone you can use and abuse. I’m your mother, and you will show me the proper respect due a parent. This week you got a taste of what it feels like to not have a relationship. Is that really what you want?”
Your responsibility is to put the ball back in your child’s court so she has to “own” her mouth. Talking back is never acceptable. Homes need to be built on love, respect, and accountability. There is no relationship without these important cornerstones.
Tattling
“Did you know what Katherine did?”
“Sam got in trouble at school today. . . .”
“I saw Damon over at Jason’s tonight. Wasn’t he supposed to be at the library?”
Tattling—just like sibling rivalry—has been around since Cain and Abel first walked the earth. It’ll continue to be around, so you might as well get used to it. The reason it continues to linger is that parents find it convenient to listen to the tattler.
The tattler is the narc (often a quiet whisperer), the person in the family who loves to give insider info about what other children in the family are doing. Often she’s right about the information, but does that make what she’s doing right? It’s so tempting to listen to a little narc. After all, as a parent, it’s good to have info about what your kids are up to. But, chances are, everyone in the family would be better off if the little narc kept her mouth shut.
The wise parent will say to the little narc, “I don’t want to hear it. If you have a problem with your brother, go talk to him. If there’s something that he did, then he should be the one to tell me, not you.”
That will take the wind out of any narc’s sails because narcs love to dish about others. Did you know it’s a way to make the narc feel better about herself? Most often when children tattle on siblings, it’s because the tattler is jockeying for position as to who is the better kid in the family. It’s a put-down in the guise of “something you oughta know.” Frankly, it’s also another form of name-calling, only this one is often said with a whisper.
Three-year-old Annie was a beautiful child with naturally curly blond hair—the kind of child who would look great in an angel costume. But she was far from an angel. She used to constantly tattle on Michael, her big brother. It drove her parents up the wall. When they talked to me, I gave them a simple strategy: “Just tell her you don’t want to hear it.”
Her mother took the advice a step further. The next time Annie wanted to tell her a tale, she said, “Annie, I don’t want to hear it. Tell it to the tree in the yard.”
A week later her mother looked out the window and laughed. Little Annie was standing out there, talking and gesturing to the tree!
Tattoos and Body Piercings
Long ago, when I was growing up, the only people who had tattoos were Harley drivers. They were tough guys who made it clear that no one was going to mess withthem.
Today’s world is very different. The young moms who come to hear me speak about marriage and family issues are well dressed, they’re educated, and they have one or more children. And some of them are also tattooed—on a shoulder, a leg, an arm, and who knows where else.
It’s obvious that tattooing is popular. Some of you reading this book will have tattoos and wonder what the big deal is. Why would I even include this in my book? Am I an old fuddy-duddy or something?
The point I’d like to make is that people have a love/hate relationship with tattoos. They either love them or hate them. Frankly, allowing tattoos and body piercings is a judgment call every parent has to make.
For some parents, tattooing isn’t a big thing. “So he got a tattoo. It’s not the end of the world,” they say. “He’s a good kid.”
Most children who want to get tattoos or body piercings (nose, eyebrow, belly button, ears, tongue) want to do it to make a statement about their uniqueness. What’s funny about that, though, is that they also want to do it because their friends are doing it. So what’s unique about that?
I fall on the side of those parents who wouldn’t encourage their kids to distinguish themselves as being unique by the tattoos or body piercings they have. I’d rather challenge them to be the meanest clarinet in the band or the surest-handed tight end on the football team. There are lots of ways to be unique—by playing the trumpet, being a voracious reader, or being a killer chess player. The more confident a child is about herself, the less likely she’ll be tempted to get some body part pierced to fit in with the crowd.
Lisa got a tattoo when she was 13, with her parents’ approval. Fifteen years later she became a mom of two and moved to a very conservative neighborhood in an affluent section of town. That’s when she decided to go through the pain of having the tattoo removed. “I was uncomfortable wearing any sleeveless shirts because I was afraid of what other moms would think. Especially after a mom talked vehemently about a woman who got a tattoo and how loose her morals were, etc. Last month my daughter turned 16 and wanted a tattoo. I explained to her why I didn’t want her to get a tattoo. It was a different perspective from what she’d heard, and she didn’t totally understand it, but she honored my request.”
I also fall on the side of the parents who don’t believe in tattoos or earrings for young children unless they are a part of the ethnic culture (i.e., Indian or Hispanic). Why put pressure on your young children to be like everyone else? “Well, Susan down the street has her ears pierced. Don’t you want yours pierced?” (Susan is 5 years old.)
Parents today seem to be racing to give children everything as fast as they can in life. That’s why first graders are walking around with cell phones at school. If this is your perspective as a parent, don’t you think your child will catch on?
If your child is older, you can always tell him what you think. But it’s his decision. When he’s 18, he can tattoo his nose, cheeks, and neck and end up looking like Michael Tyson. (His body will pay for it, but it’s his body.) However, if you
take the time to tell your children what you think and why, the majority of them (even older children) won’t act against their parents’ wishes.
What about body piercings? I talked about earrings earlier (see “Earrings”), so I won’t discuss that again, but I will discuss other body piercings.
Recently Jeff, a dad I know, was shopping at Best Buy. He’s an early-thirties hip dad. But after spending 20 minutes in the store, trying to decipher what a clerk was saying, he asked to see the manager. You see, the young clerk had a pierced tongue, and as hard as Jeff tried, he couldn’t understand what she was trying to say. His point to the manager was that the store should at least hire clerks who could communicate with the customers.
I’m not making any moral judgments about nose, tongue, eyebrow, belly button, or other piercings. I’m simply saying that allowing your 14-year-old daughter to “express herself” by allowing her to get her tongue pierced is plain stupid. It’s gross. It’s sanitarily unsafe, with all those germs in the mouth. And it certainly isn’t going to help her socially to be trying to talk to others with slurred speech and clicking—especially to those who don’t have pierced tongues (the majority of the population).
Also, a parent would be wise to keep in mind that what a child wants to do at 14 isn’t necessarily what she wants to do at 17. A lot of maturing happens during those years. Any kind of piercings that take place on nontraditional parts of the body (i.e., other than the earlobe) are really acts of silent rebellion. They’re done to show the whole world “I’m not like anyone else.” I go back to my view that there are better ways of showing the world your uniqueness than harming your body.
I think it’s okay for a parent to say no to tattooing and body piercing. After all, the parent is usually the one who is paying for it. Why would you pay to harm your child’s body? Give the kid vitamin N (No) if tattoos or body piercings don’t square with your values and your belief system.
Telephone Courtesy
How do your children answer the phone?
“Yeah? Who’s calling?”
“This is Megan. Who’s calling, please?”
“Yo! What’s up?”
“This is the Leman residence. May I help you?”
Have you taught your child proper telephone courtesy—how to answer a phone? Have you taught your children not to admit to any callers when they are home alone? They should let the answering machine pick up the call (unless it’s someone who lives in the house who is calling) or simply say, “I’m sorry, she isn’t available right now. May I take a message?”
When someone asks for you, do your children say, “May I tell her who’s calling?” (the proper etiquette instead of the demand, “Who’s calling?”), or do they yell, “Ma!” at top pitch from across the house?
How do your children respond next? It should be whatever you prefer as a family, such as, “Hang on, I’ll get her for you.”
If you think this isn’t an important enough thing to bother with, consider this. When I speak to businessmen, I ask them: “Who answers the phone for your auto dealership?” It’s the receptionist. She’s the first person who has contact with the outside world of that business. So that receptionist is the one who represents you as the CEO. Similarly, you need to be sureof who is answering the phone and how, because it reflects on you and the way you do business in your home.
If your child needs to ask for something on the phone, teach him to start with a statement: “I need your help. Could you help me?” If you start by such a statement, it’s hard for the person on the other end to say, “Hey, drop dead.” Usually, asking for help sets up the listener on the other side to say, “How can I help you?” The difference is subtle but effective.
I’ve already talked about what to do when children interrupt you on the phone (see “Interruptions”), but I’ll summarize it here. Most parents cover the phone and hiss or yell at the kids, “Would you please hush up! I’m trying to talk!” But it makes a far greater impression on your children if you remove them from the room. Put them in a room away from you, or, depending on your children’s age and the weather, put them outside and close and lock the door. Show them by your action (without interrupting what you’re doing) that you expect them to be respectful and quiet when you are on the phone. After all, when they are on the phone with their buddies, you don’t put on a dog and pony show in front of them.
In “Interruptions” I talked about a woman who, while talking to her girlfriend, put her children outside the door and didn’t realize until 45 minutes later that they were still outside! When she went to let them back in, the children had found an old paper bag and written a note on it: Mom, we love you. Can we come back in?
That mom certainly made her point! It’s all about action, not words. And her actions said, I am to be respected in this house, and you are to be quiet when I’m on the phone. Do you think those children did a dog and pony show in front of their mother when she was on the phone the next time?
Temper Tantrums
I hear these sorts of things over and over from frustrated parents:
“He explodes every time I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”
“I don’t take her to the mall anymore because she throws a tantrum if I don’t take her to McDonald’s. And sometimes I don’t have the time or the money to do that.”
“When he has to share with his brother, he starts screaming, kicking the floor, and throwing things.”
Let me ask you: when your child is throwing a tantrum, what’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To get attention. To exert authority over you. And if throwing tantrums has worked in the past, your child will continue to throw them in the future.
If your family is one of faith, you might be interested in what St. Paul said in Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents. This is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you.” That means you are to be in charge of the home, not your child.
Two-year-olds will throw tantrums, and those tantrums need to be addressed. My favorite suggestion to deal with tantrums is to step over the child (reigning in the temptation to step on her), totally ignore the behavior, and move on with whatever else you were doing. If it happens in the mall, just ignore her and move on ahead. (For those of you who are worried, I can guarantee you that any 2-year-old who sees Mommy or Daddy moving away into the crowd will stop the fit she’s throwing and run to follow her parent. She won’t be out of her parent’s sight because she’s not that confident.) And without an audience there, there’s really no need for the temper tantrum to continue.
If you handle the tantrums when your child is age 2, you’ll change the behavior, guaranteed, by using my tried-and-true method:
1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.
You won’t be dealing with the behavior down the line. But this method requires consistency, follow-through, and no looking back to see if the child is following. Otherwise she gets clued in: Hey, Mom is nervous about this. She’s checking to see if it works. Aha! That means she doesn’t want me to be out of her sight. So she’ll come back. I’ll just continue this fit thing a little longer.
If children are still throwing tantrums at age 8 and up, however, they’ve got your number. They know what it takes to win the fight because they’ve always won in the past. They are going to show you in full, bloomin’ color just how unhappy and miserable their life is because you haven’t given them a toy or a treat, let them go somewhere, etc. With older children, the same holds true (no matter where you are):
1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.
If you’re not in the vicinity, it’s less likely your child will continue the tantrum (especially if you’re in a public place). What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To get your attention. It defeats the point if you’re not there!
If you’ve allowed tantrums to control your actions in the past, you’ll need to hold espe
cially firm. Now is the time to stop the power tantrums. (Power is really what they’re about, isn’t it?) Do you really want your child to grow up to be a 13-year-old who’s kicking the magazine rack in Wal-Mart, or an 18-year-old who has poor impulse control and a bad temper and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way?
After a temper tantrum is over, the child must apologize before life moves on. And that doesn’t mean you say, “Young man, I want an apology out of you.” It’s like asking for a hug. That hug doesn’t mean very much because you had to ask to get it. Asking takes all the emotional fulfillment out of it. In the same way, making a child say “I’m sorry” doesn’t carry the same weight as a heartfelt response without the prodding.
Remember that in all things, “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” Until you receive a real apology (and you know the difference!), life doesn’t go on.
Thumb Sucking/Blankies
How many junior highers have you seen sucking their thumbs in public? How many take their blankies on field trips?
So many parents get hyper about a child sucking his thumb after a certain age. They hear all the horror stories about how it’ll ruin the child’s teeth and he’ll have to get braces. They worry about how babyish their child will look. They wonder why their 4-year-old still sucks on a blankie during his nap.
But what harm will it do to suck on a blankie? Will it hurt the blankie to get wet? Will it make the blankie gross? Gross never bothered a kid yet. I know that from personal experience. When I took out my cell phone this morning, it was amess. My granddaughter, Adeline, had her sticky fingers all over it at lunch yesterday. Sticky and gross certainly didn’t bother her.
What I’m trying to say, parent, is that if you pay attention to all these little things that will change anyway as kids grow and mature, you’ll drive yourself completely nuts.
Everyone has a different view of thumb sucking and blankies or certain stuffed animals as psychological crutches. But will any of this mean a hill of beans to you or your child in a couple of years? Most likely not.