by Rina Kent
“No way. That brat will start calling you Dad in public and I can’t have that.” She points a finger at him. “Keep our deal or I’m telling Xander the truth. How do you think your precious son would feel, huh?”
“Don’t you dare come near him.”
“Then stop this nonsense.”
“I’m warning you. Treat her well.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you miss the part that says you don’t get to tell me what to do? Even Calvin doesn’t, so why should you?”
“I’m her father, damn it. I can’t let you mistreat her like that.”
“Or what? You’ll demand custody? I guess you can’t, huh?”
“I’m keeping my eyes on you.” He heads towards his car.
“You know I love the attention.”
“Rot in hell, Jeanine.”
“I’ll see you there, Lewis.” She waves at him with a venomous smile before she yanks her car door open and slides inside.
Both of them head in opposite directions, leaving dust in their wake.
And me.
I stand there, not believing what I just heard. A blade slashes through my chest, and although I can’t see it, I feel it. It’s deep, burning and painful. So, so painful.
My legs shake and I fall to a sitting position, unable to remain standing anymore.
I stare at the road they just took as if I can bring them back and ask them about what they revealed.
A daughter.
Kim’s father isn’t Uncle Calvin, it’s my dad. That means she’s my sister.
My. Sister.
I always told Kimberly that I wanted a sibling like she had Kirian and she said he could be both of ours.
I felt so happy back then, to have a sibling, but now, after I found out she’s my real sibling, I want to cry.
She can’t be my sister. If she is, that means I can’t kiss her anymore.
It means I have to be with her like I am with Kirian.
I hate that.
I hate Dad and Jeanine.
And now, I have to hate Kim.
25
Kimberly
Present
My mouth hangs open. I couldn’t close it if I tried.
The whole time Xander has been telling me his version of that day seven years ago, he hasn’t looked at me.
Not even once.
He’s the only one I can look at, though. I feel like if I don’t use him as a visual anchor, I’ll have some sort of a breakdown.
The wound at my wrist itches, tingling and scratching for a touch. I clutch it with my other hand, not wanting to feel that need for pain.
If I let it loose, it’ll just devour me alive.
“After that,” he says in the calm voice he’s been using since he came here. “I had to stay away because I didn’t trust myself around you.”
My nose tingles, but I ask anyway. “Trust yourself around me, how?”
His ocean eyes meet mine. They’re dark, desolate, as if he’s hanging at the bottom. “You’re my sister, Kim.”
He says it with harshness, like he’s trying to jam that information in my head.
He’s trying to hit that fact home.
And he should.
Because even as I hear those words out loud, I can’t believe them.
No – I don’t want to believe them.
Xander can’t be my brother. He just can’t.
“Maybe you heard wrong,” I say. “Maybe they weren’t –”
“I heard them again a few years later. Dad always gave Jeanine shit for the way she treated you. He made it his job to threaten her for not taking care of his daughter, of you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You never noticed how he looks at you?”
“I-I thought it was Kir and that maybe he was Kir’s dad.” God. I didn’t even want to think about that option, but now, it turns out to be way worse.
Xander is my brother, half-brother, but it still counts as a blood sibling.
I kissed my brother.
I had oral sex with my brother.
I’ve fantasised about my brother my entire life.
Oh, God.
Oh. My. Freaking. God.
I think I’m going to throw up.
“Hey.” He leans over, reaching a hand for my face.
I slap it away, my heart beating so loudly, I’m scared it’s going to come to an imminent halt. “Don’t touch me.”
“I won’t; you’re right.” He sits back down, his shoulders hunched.
Defeated.
He looks like a knight out of a lost battle, his armour broken, and his face bruised.
I’ve never hated someone as much as I hate him right now.
“Why did you tell me?” My voice raises. “Why didn’t you take it with you to the grave?”
He could’ve just rejected me like always, and I would’ve moved on. Eventually. Now, I’ll always think of him as my brother.
And that is torture.
The worst fucking torment he could inflict on me.
“Because you did that.” He motions at my bandaged wrist. “I can’t watch you self-destruct because of me, Kim. I can’t watch you being hurt.”
“You did that just fine all these years. Why now? Why did you decide you care now?”
“I’ve always cared. Every time I pushed you away, I sliced myself deeper. The more I pretended you don’t exist, the harder I noticed you. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about you or watched you. And that’s not right, Kim. That’s not right at fucking all.”
“Because we’re siblings?”
He shakes his head. If pain could be tasted, I’d be burning in acid from the way his expression falls. “Because I never thought of you as a sibling. Because I want you as a woman and because I’m considering hell as a permanent resident as long as I get to be with you. Because I feel jealous and fucking crazy whenever anyone gets close to you. Because I want to be your first and last and fucking everything.”
He’s breathing harshly by the time he finishes, as if it took all his energy to say those words. Then he sighs. “But as I said, that’s not right, not to you.”
My chin shakes so hard until my jaw hurts. Hearing those confessions out of his lips is like being shoved into a dark murky tunnel with no way out.
There’s a strange ache in my heart, something a lot different than the fog and depression. It’s deeper and scarier, and all I want to do is let go.
But to go where?
To who?
“Dad mentioned rehab and some school in the north,” he says.
I couldn’t speak if I wanted to, so I stare up at him with widened eyes.
“I’m leaving, Kim.” He smiles, and although his dimples appear, it’s the saddest, most wrenched smile I’ve seen on his face. “It’s better for all of us.”
My gulp is loud in the silence, but I don’t say anything. I can’t.
“You’re strong, so don’t believe otherwise. You’re loved, so don’t let that bitch Jeanine tell you any different, and don’t be shy to lean on Calvin, Elsa, and Kirian. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. They care about you more than you know.”
No.
“Instead of dancing alone, dance with others. Instead of living alone, lean on others. Instead of purging the pain, talk about it.”
No.
“Live well.”
No!
I want to scream, but no words come out.
He heads to the door with steady steps. My heart weeps as his back remains the only sight. His tight, broad back that I probably will never see again.
Without turning around, he says, “You’ll always be my Green.”
And with that, he’s out of the door, leaving trails of blood in his wake.
26
Kimberly
Two days later, the psychiatric ward decides I’m good to go home.
The trip back is like a one-way journey to hell. As I come out of Dad’s car, I stand there for long seconds, staring at the Knight
s’ mansion.
A part of me is yearning for one more look. I don’t even have to talk to him, all I need is to see him.
We can just watch each other from afar like we have all these years.
Until we crossed lines. Or he did. I didn’t know we were blood siblings.
If I had, I would’ve…what? What exactly would I have done?
God, this is messing me up.
Dad escorts me inside with a hand around my shoulder. I’m like a zombie, following him, but not exactly participating.
“Welcome home!”
Some confetti flies in the air as I focus on the smiling faces waiting for me – Elsa, Ronan, Teal, Knox, Cole, Aiden, and even Silver.
What the hell is Silver doing here?
I don’t focus on her, though, since a small man attacks me in a hug. I crouch and wrap my arms around Kirian in a strong embrace, my heart thudding loudly in my chest.
“Kimmy, I missed you so much!”
“I missed you, too, Monkey. Have you been a good boy without me?”
“Always.” He grins, then motions at Marian. “I helped Mari with everything.”
I mouth thank you at her and she nods with moisture pooling in her eyes.
Crouching, I kiss his cheeks harder than needed. “That’s my monkey.”
Elsa hugs me next, her eyes welling with tears. She’s been with me the whole time and she didn’t blame me for not telling her. She said she understands and that’s all I need.
Dad smiles at me, motioning upstairs. I nod back, knowing he needs to freshen up and change. He never once left my side during all those tests and doctor meetings. We already agreed on a therapy plan and he said he’ll be there with me every step on the way.
Still, even with Dad’s support, nothing can get rid of the lump that’s been lodged in my throat since that night.
It’s asphyxiating and slowly robbing me of life.
Mum isn’t around and I’m not surprised. Dad said he told her not to come out of her studio – not that she would.
“Look at you, all rosy and shit.” Knox grabs me by the shoulder in a side hug. “May I have this dance?”
Ronan slides to my other side, glaring at him. “Hey, hands off, fucker. Kimmy is my girlfriend.”
“As if you’d ever have a girlfriend.” Knox shoots back.
“I would. It’s Kimmy.”
Teal scoffs.
“Do you have a problem, ma belle?” Ronan grins at her.
She pushes them both away with surprising strength, considering her size compared to theirs. “You’re suffocating her. Leave her alone.”
“That’s right.” Elsa glares at all of them. “Leave Kim alone or I won’t sit still.”
I squeeze her hand and Aiden smiles at her, pride shining in his eyes.
Everyone goes on about what’s happened in school and how it’s been boring as hell, but no one mentions Xander or if he’s already gone.
I want to ask, but I feel like it’s taboo to even talk about him.
Did he leave without saying goodbye?
The hospital was your goodbye. What else do you need? A hug? A fucking kiss?
I close my eyes against the onslaught of emotions, trying to keep up with the semi-party everyone is throwing for me.
A part of me wants to sneak upstairs and hide underneath the covers, but that will only invite the fog and I don’t have the energy or confidence to push it off right now.
“You know what?” Elsa’s voice brings me out of my head. “I’m just going to address the elephant in the room. What are you doing here, Silver?”
I stare at the bitch queen of the school, the one who used to be my friend but now participates in my bullying.
She’s wearing one of her elegant dresses and her ‘fuck-me’ heels. Silver isn’t only beautiful, but she’s also hot, even from a girl’s point of view. She has provocative features and waist and breasts and everything. She’s basically the whole package wrapped with ‘bitch’ ribbon.
It’s crazy how someone can change from childhood. She has never been mean – secretive, yes – but not a bitch who lives to make other people’s lives hell.
She now stands an inch in front of Cole and stares back at him at Elsa’s question. He doesn’t even acknowledge her as he slowly drinks from his cup.
“True.” Ronan snaps his fingers in her direction. “We don’t need the presence of someone who bothered Kim.”
She remains silent, her face blank. But I know Silver to an extent. Her silence is hiding her flustered feelings or frustration.
“If you came here out of pity, I don’t need it,” I say aloud for everyone to hear. “You can go.”
She doesn’t move. Not even an inch. Instead, she stares at Cole again. This time, he does make eye contact, even though his bored expression doesn’t change. Silver must be able to read whatever’s in there, since she releases a deep sigh.
Her attention falls on me as she speaks low. “I’m not here because I pity you. I’m here because I know how it feels to want to end the pain. I tried it before, but it only made it worse.”
“You…did?” I ask, not believing what I’m hearing. Silver isn’t the type who talks about herself this openly. She’s too arrogant to enumerate her weaknesses in front of so many people who can use it against her.
“What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry if I participated in that pain. It’s not you, Kim. It’s how I deal with…” she trails off and her shoulders lock like someone is throttling her from behind. Cole is still drinking with nonchalance as if she’s not speaking at all.
“Things,” she breathes out and places her untouched cup on the table. “It’s clear I’m not welcome here, so I’ll just go.”
She doesn’t spare any of us a glance as she walks out, carrying herself with her usual high and mighty posture. Cole stares after her for a second before a slight smile – or smirk – lifts his lips. It’s gone as soon as it appears, making me wonder if it happened in the first place.
“Wow, can you believe that?” Elsa leans in to ask me. “Silver apologising. I swear something is wrong in her head lately.”
“Or she’s scared,” I whisper, more to myself than aloud.
“What?” Elsa asks.
“Nothing.” It’s none of my business, even though I’m pretty sure something is completely wrong with her.
Silver has been acting out of character more often than not lately. That means she’s either being threatened, or she has a life-altering situation.
Maybe I should tell Dad about it. He’s friends with her father, the mighty future prime minister, Sebastian Queens.
The party goes on. The boys put on a football game, and it’s a nostalgic reminder of the times where we used to meet in Aiden’s house for game nights when he started going out with Elsa.
How I used to sit in a position that gave me a discreet view of Xander’s side profile. I’ve lost count of how many times I watched him while pretending to focus on the game. Or how much I smiled when he and Ronan jumped up to celebrate a goal.
Now, he’s gone.
I shake my head once, not wanting to think about that particular subject.
“So, hear this.” Elsa brings my attention to her and Teal. The three of us are sitting with Kir around the dining table as he devours the cake. “Teal says love is only a chemical reaction.”
“It is.” Teal crosses her arms over her T-shirt that reads, Don’t Know. Don’t Care. “It’s just a dopamine rush like drugs and other things.”
“You can’t get drugs to fuck you.” Elsa raises an eyebrow.
“You can have them get you high, and that’s better than fucking.” Teal keeps her ground.
“Drugs can make you feel high, but it’s temporary.” I wipe the corner of Kir’s mouth. “Love can be temporary, too, but it has an everlasting effect. Sometimes, it becomes hard to breathe or think or even be without it.”
“That.” Elsa’s eyes brighten up.
She’s saying that be
cause she’s living it with Aiden – who’s been watching her instead of the game, by the way, but why the hell am I saying it?
“You guys need help.” Teal shoves an earbud in her ear. Elsa laughs, hitting her shoulder with hers.
“Can I get juice, Kimmy?” Kir asks me.
“Sure thing, Monkey. And slow down.”
“Mmmm,” he speaks through his bite of cake, grinning up at me.
Teal and Elsa are still in their friendly banter. Knox and Ronan are shouting at the game while Aiden watches Elsa. Cole flips through a sociology book from Dad’s library.
The scene and the sounds disappear as I go into the kitchen. I open the refrigerator, but I don’t find Kir’s favourite apple juice.
I try the cupboard, but the top one won’t open. I stand on tiptoe and pull it hard, but still nothing.
Frustration bubbles into my blood, and it’s not because of the stupid cupboard.
My gaze strays to the house opposite us. It’s quiet, lifeless, and appears deserted.
Is this how I will act from now on? I’ll look at that house and fight the need to cry or something?
He could’ve not told me. He could’ve left and kept the entire thing to himself.
But is that what I want, really?
“Here.”
I push back as a taller body opens the cupboard for me. Cole smiles down at me as I retrieve the bottle of juice.
“Thanks.” I take it, then steal one last glance at the Knights’ house.
Will we meet on holidays now? Or will he cut off any relationship he has with Lewis – and, therefore, this place?
Lewis is my father. Uncle Lewis is my…father.
I shut down that idea before I can focus on it.
“He’s probably watching,” Cole says.
“W-what? Who?”
He leans against the counter and crosses his legs at the ankles. After Xander, Cole is probably the most attractive of the horsemen. His beauty is that calm, refined type. The kind that can belong to a handsome professor or a hotshot CEO.
His green eyes are dark and he gives off a composed façade – façade, because from what Elsa says and what I’ve noticed, Cole runs a lot deeper than what meets the eyes. While he’s kind and doesn’t talk much, he seems to know everything, and he has moments where he completely changes – like when he smirked as Silver ran away to hide her fear.