Okay, Shane thought, moving gently now and in wonder of what he was experiencing. It was a bit like having sex for the first time, and to know it was with Reesa—well, he didn’t want to miss any nuance of it. This was not what he planned this morning, but plans didn’t mean much when their mutual desperation levels had already hit fifteen on a scale of one to ten.
“Too damn long,” Shane whispered fiercely against her mouth when Reesa let him surface from the kiss and breathe enough to speak. He was not going to last long in his current hyper-aroused state.
“No. Don’t worry. It’s never too long. It’s always just right,” Reesa said, her sincere gaze seeking Shane’s desperately to make sure he believed her.
Drinking in her green gaze full of awe, Shane laughed softly at her misunderstanding. “God, I am so in love with you,” he said fiercely. “I meant it’s been too long since we got to do this.”
Reesa smiled, but didn’t laugh at her mistake, couldn’t when she was trying to not be incinerated by the friction of an unadorned Shane moving with precision now that he wasn’t worried.
“This isn’t going to last much longer,” he warned her, feeling himself building to an impending explosion.
“Neither am I,” Reesa rasped, feeling him laugh against her as he changed his angle and pressed up on his next stroke. “My God, you do that well. Again please.”
“Anything you want,” he agreed hoarsely.
“Shane,” she called, her body racked with tremors of relief as the waves lifted her against him in demand. In support Shane stroked her even harder, claiming a right to do it with his triumphant laugh as she shook in his arms over and over while he throbbed in her depths.
Then just as she was coming down off the last wave of her climax, Reesa finally felt Shane find his own release inside her. He slowed then, drawing out every stroke as if enjoying every millisecond of time it took to completely empty himself in her.
Reesa felt Shane kissing the sides of her face, still moving against her now pliant form. Her throat tightened, tears threatened, and she wasn’t completely sure why. Shane’s unrestrained, obvious pleasure in not using a condom surprised her with a level of satisfaction about their lovemaking that she had never felt with any other lover. Sometimes he took everything she offered with the gratitude of a teenager scoring for the first time. Other times, he lost control and took her body like a conquering warrior claiming a mate. Her sense of ownership about him and his body appalled her. Worse because she could see in his gaze he felt the same.
And over the great sex was acceptance. Rightness. Belonging.
To him.
Just like Shane said she did.
Oh God—how did I fall in love with a man who’s still trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up?
Reesa made a guttural sound of frustration, not sure whether to laugh or cry. It was never supposed to get this serious. Now what would happen when Shane left or died or just got tired of her crazy life? This worry is exactly what she had been trying to avoid. Panic over the thought of losing him stripped down her defenses, and the truth just came tumbling out of her unable to be checked by any amount of logic.
“Damn it, Shane. I love you. I do. But how can this be happening to us so fast?” Reesa asked, all but sobbing the question against his chest as his rapid heartbeat still drummed hard in her ear. Her emotions were threatening to choke her.
Shane froze at Reesa’s tearful confession of love. He managed to maneuver their bodies until he could see Reesa’s whole face, including the sheen of tears in her eyes that he’d already heard in her voice.
“Do you want the scientific reason or the Shane Larson general rationalization?” he asked, trying to use his business voice.
“No science—it’s too early in the morning,” Reesa told him, wiping her eyes which were still welling up with tears she couldn’t seem to turn off.
“Okay—here it is. I have no idea how it happened that we fell in love so fast, but I’m not dumb enough to pretend otherwise. I hope you aren’t either, regardless of how many dweebs disappointed you in the past,” Shane said.
“It’s not that men disappointed me,” Reesa denied. “They just haven’t stayed. It wasn’t like they cheated or left me because of petty problems. It was always something bigger than that, Shane. I’m not ready to be in love with someone new. You know I’m on the rebound.”
“I don’t give a damn who came before me. I just know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Reesa. You’re the first and only woman to ever inspire the creative urge in me to want children with her,” he said, bracing his weight on his elbows to take her face in his hands.
“A creative urge? You really need some counseling,” she said, fighting not to laugh in his face. It wasn’t funny. It was just—insane for him to be talking that way after two months.
“Why would I joke about that? Look, I’m crazy about the kids you already have. It’s my plan to eventually catch up to you in parenting skills,” he said seriously. “Do you think you might one day want more?”
“More children? As in a baby?” Reesa repeated in a squeak, appalled at even the thought of adding infant care to the chaos she currently lived with daily. She remembered how tough it had been on April when Sara had come along. Babies disrupted everything and you didn’t get to sleep all night for several years.
“Shane—I can’t talk about any of this without wanting to push you off me and run away screaming. I don’t even want to be in love, much less think about having more children,” she said, her voice tight with fear.
Shane sighed and kissed her temples, unoffended by her doubts. “Well, I guess that’s fair. Why don’t we wait until Zack’s in college to have the baby discussion? It was the whole unprotected sex for the first time in my life thing. You can see why my mind might have gone to imagining having a baby with you in wishful thinking, can’t you?”
Since Shane was still pressing his full weight on her, escape from him was impossible. Out of options to flee, Reesa snorted and finally gave in to worried laughter.
“How the hell did you have sex for over a decade and never once without a condom? You must be more afraid of your father than you are of your mother,” Reesa said.
“More like I just didn’t want to disappoint him,” Shane told her.
His sincerity had her sighing in shame at her reaction. Tomorrow she would feel special, precious, and like the luckiest woman in the world to have been his biggest intimacy risk. But right now, she was still reeling from the baby talk.
In the short time they’d known each other, Reesa really had only one major complaint about Shane. It was that he was always racing ahead, confident he was right, and never giving her much time to think or decide if she agreed with him.
Couldn’t he see she just wasn’t the kind of person who moved that fast in making decisions about important things? She was an accountant for pity’s sake. Slow. Methodical. Checking and rechecking until she was absolutely convinced something was right.
“I’d been planning the unprotected sex thing for a week, but it still ended up happening spontaneously only because you forgot. Haven’t you figured out that I’m not like you, Shane? I have a single-minded focus when it comes to sex. It’s the only area of my life capable of bypassing my logical mind, especially when it comes to you,” Reesa declared. “I try very hard not to talk during lovemaking because I’m sure I would only say stupid things.”
“Okay. Let’s back up and shelve the conversation about unprotected sex for now. Good morning,” Shane said, sliding out of her and trying not to laugh at Reesa’s groan of disappointment. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back inside soon. Let’s try the bed next time. The floor sounds good in theory, but it’s hell on the knees.”
Reesa lifted a hand up for him to help her stand and realized her robe was still mostly tied and mostly on.
“Some smooth guy you are. You didn’t even get me naked,” she said in dismay.
Shane pulled u
p his pants, but didn’t bother with fastening them. They were coming off as soon as they got to her bedroom. He did pull on his shirt just so he wouldn’t get cold.
“Bitch. Bitch. Bitch,” he said with a grin. “Haven’t you had your coffee this morning?”
“No. I just made some before you came,” Reesa said.
Shane grinned at her choice of words, happy when Reesa swore under her breath and blushed.
“You know what I mean,” she chastised. “The brew-finished alarm had just sounded when you knocked on the door. I hadn’t had time to pour a damn cup.”
“That’s because I barely got inside before you attacked me,” Shane said, lifting her hand and tucking it in his. “Lucky for you, I didn’t fall on you when we crashed to the floor. Talk about catching a guy off-guard. You may not talk much during sex, but I’m pretty sure I heard you humming during some of it.”
Reesa colored again, but didn’t tug her hand away. “Don’t tease me. I couldn’t help myself. It had been too long,” she said finally.
“I’m having déjà vu—seems like I heard that once already this morning,” Shane said with a smile.
“Well, you were right,” Reesa said, giving in to his teasing and giggling. “Damn it Shane. I don’t know what we’re going to do when I go back to work. Finding time will be even harder.”
“So don’t go back to work,” Shane said reasonably.
Reesa patted his impressive abs through his T-shirt. “Very nice thought, but not realistic. I have to go back to work, Shane. I have to be employed to keep the kids. I have no choice.”
“Of course you do,” Shane said, frowning. “Take the money I offered you and put off working until Sara starts school full-time. Follow your original plan.”
Reesa shook her head as she headed to the kitchen. “Shane, you’re an amazingly generous person, but I can’t take your money. It wouldn’t feel right to me.”
“Damn it, Reesa,” Shane said, following her and throwing himself down into a chair to keep from putting his hands on her when he was this frustrated. “Explain to me why you’re being stubborn about this. What is the problem with letting me help you?”
“I don’t know why you think it’s reasonable that I should. What do I really know about your life situation? Not much. How long have we known each other? Not even two months yet. I wouldn’t take money from a friend I know, much less from someone I barely know. That never works out well,” Reesa said, pouring her a coffee and another for Shane.
“Barely know,” Shane protested, yelling the words. “Two minutes ago you just admitted you loved me. How can you go from saying you love me to saying you barely know me? That’s not even logical.”
Reesa rolled her eyes and drank deeply. Maybe caffeine would help her find the words to explain without crushing his ego entirely.
“Regardless of your poor opinion of my personal intelligence, I still can’t take your money. What if I can’t pay you back? That’s bad enough and yet not even my primary concern. I don’t want to be thinking about the money I owe you every time we’re rolling around together like we were just now,” she said, sipping more coffee and trying to fight her frustration enough to explain herself to him—something she hated, hated, hated to do with anyone.
“You’re smart, gorgeous, and the hottest woman I’ve ever known,” Shane said flatly. “How can you be so dumb about accepting my offer of help?”
“Why can’t you understand how I feel about this? I like that you’re the one amazing thing in my crazy life that’s free of ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’ and all other kinds of obligatory strings. Many parts my life bind me so tightly that I feel like I’m being choked with responsibility most of the time,” Reesa said, trying to find words that Shane could and would be willing to hear.
“Reesa—honey, I’m willing to help share those responsibilities for the long haul, not just help you forget them occasionally. What do I have to do to convince you that I know my own mind where you’re concerned?” Shane asked as calmly as he could. He couldn’t pretend to get Reesa’s reasoning when he sure as hell didn’t, Shane decided, but he could at least try to control his yelling. Maybe.
“It’s not about whether I believe you want to marry me or not. You may have given it a lot of thought, but I haven’t. It’s just too soon and too fast for me. I need time to absorb the idea of us, think about how the kids would react, and maybe figure out how I personally feel about the possibility of spending the rest of my life with you. When the court makes a final custody decision next week, maybe then I can begin to think about what the future might hold for us. Right now—right now, I just have to find a job,” Reesa said.
“You don’t need to stretch yourself even thinner. Take the money, Reesa,” Shane yelled, forgetting his promise to himself. Talking to her was like trying to reason with a wall. All he was getting from the effort was a bad headache.
“Even if I was willing to take your money—which I am not—how would I show your money as income, Shane? Gee, Judge Carlson, I’m sleeping with this guy and I was so good in bed, he gave me fifty thousand dollars. Sorry, but I’m sure sex for money wouldn’t fit the legal definition of legitimate household income,” Reesa said harshly, tired of trying to explain that it wasn’t enough to just have the money. It had to look right on paper and pass the court’s approval.
Shane was speechless. And hurt. But also stunned into mind-numbing shock that Reesa could so coldly reduce their relationship, even jokingly, to a sex for money trade. It wasn’t the sex that held him to her. It was a sense of belonging.
Shane stared at her a long time, still so angry he was unable to speak. Then slowly it started to sink in that there really was a lot he didn’t know about Reesa Callahan. But at this point, he wasn’t sure he could handle knowing anymore today. Maybe it would better if he just left and gave them both some space, Shane decided.
Aware that her temper had gotten the best of her in her frustrated attempts to explain herself, Reesa bit her lip and sighed. “Shane—I’m truly sorry. I know I didn’t explain that well, but there are income sources the court will accept and others they won’t. I just don’t want to drag the happiness you and I have through the court as part of the custody case and have to defend why you gave me such a large sum of money—regardless of the reason you put on it. Please don’t ask me to do that. You’re the only thing in my crazy life that’s not affected by the craziness of the rest of it. I need you to be my sanity.”
“It would be better if I leave before I say things I don’t want to say. I’m not calm enough to continue this discussion,” Shane said, rising from his chair.
Reesa swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay—I guess I can understand you being upset if you can’t get what I’m saying,” Reesa said tightly, the ache of Shane running away permeating every cell in her body. “I’m sorry if I seem rude in refusing your help. I believe you’re just trying to be kind. I just can’t do what you want.”
She followed him back to the living room and watched him yank on his jacket and zip it.
“Please be careful riding the bike,” she said quietly, but with a tremble in her voice she couldn’t hide. The idea that something could happen to Shane when he was this mad at her was too awful to contemplate. She really didn’t know if she could survive losing another person she cared about in her life.
The fear in Reesa’s entreaty had Shane pausing for a moment, but he still needed to leave until he could come back in a better frame of mind. She had enough problems without dealing with his anger.
“I’m always careful on the bike,” Shane replied. “You know, I’m not just trying to be nice to some strange woman with four children who needs my help. I’m trying be supportive to a woman that I damn-it-all-to-hell really do want to marry whether she believes me or not.”
Yep—temper was too close to be reasonable, Shane decided, turning to walk away when he couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice.
“I really need to go. We’ll have to talk about t
his later,” he said as calmly as he could, opening the door and leaving quickly.
Reesa stood where she was, staring at the floor where only a few minutes ago she and Shane had been locked together so completely that she’d felt bereft when he’d separated their bodies. Surely he wouldn’t just give up on her because she turned down emptying his bank account, would he? His inability to understand reminded her of Brent, who also thought he knew what was best for her.
Damn. Can’t just one man in my life see that I’m in survival mode here and trying not to drown in my challenges?
Reesa rubbed tears from her face and went back to the kitchen for her coffee. She had promised to make a decision about both pending jobs today, but now she couldn’t even think clearly enough to drink coffee without crying. All she could think about was the man who had walked out of her door hurt and angry because she had refused to let him swoop in and rescue her.
And she had no way to convince Shane that he had already rescued her in the most important way of all. He gave her back the part of her independent self that she’d missed the most when she’d taken on the children to raise. When Shane was with her, Reesa got to feel like a hot-blooded, honest-to-god sexual female who could take and give and throb and burn. Keeping their relationship simple and untethered to rest of her life was worth much more than fifty thousand to her.
It was worth everything.
***
When Michael got the angry, upset text message from his brother, he reluctantly took Carrie’s car and drove to Shane’s. God knew he owed his brother for all the times Shane had listened to him rant about Carrie. But even Michael was surprised to see a large, angry version of his normally calm brother pacing around his condo breaking every other thing he touched.
“Shane—damn it—stop pacing. Sit down before you break anything else,” Michael said firmly, watching Shane throw the fractured pencil against the far wall, missing the trash can by a mile.
Captured In Ink (Art of Love Series) Page 23