Guilty Hearts

by Jade Winters

  The very mention of her name gave Rachel butterflies. It was so unexpected it took her by surprise. Am I ever going to see her again?

  “— she doesn’t set a budget on anything I buy.”

  “How is she?” Rachel asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. As hard as it was, she had made a promise to herself — she was not going to call Kathryn under any circumstances. Contact, if any, had to come from her, as she was the one with the most to lose. She had a whole life set in place and Rachel knew she couldn’t just walk away from it for a life of uncertainty with a woman she hardly knew.

  Cody shrugged her shoulders. “Fine as far as I know. She’s been really busy and not in the office much.”

  Rachel finished the rest of her beer in one long gulp. She had suddenly lost her appetite for food. From what Cody had said, it was obvious Kathryn had moved on and it was about time she did the same. She sprang up, dusting off the seat of her jeans.

  “Hey, where you going?” Zoe asked.

  “Going to get ready.”

  Cody raised her eyebrows. “Going to meet someone, are we?”

  “Who knows, a girl can only try.”

  “I thought we were going to watch a movie tonight?” Zoe asked.

  “I’m not in the mood. I haven’t been out in ages — I need to clear the cobwebs.”

  “Do you fancy some company? I wouldn’t mind getting out myself,” Cody asked, jumping up from the floor.

  “Not tonight, I fancy going solo. Anyway, I’m sure you two will have a better night here alone.”

  “If you want to go out, I’m not standing in your way,” Zoe said, her eyes narrow as she glanced up at Cody.

  Cody threw her hands in the air. “Chill out, babe, it was only a suggestion.”

  “I’ll see you both later,” Rachel said.

  “Or in the morning.” A coy smile spread across Cody’s lips.

  “There’s only one bed I spend the night in and that’s my own,” Rachel replied before heading up the stairs to her bedroom.

  Zoe opened a bottle of beer, not bothering to offer Cody one. Though she never spoke, her body language was tense.

  “There’s no need for you to stay here if you think you can have a better time going out with Rachel,” Zoe said.

  “What did I say? I only thought it would be nice for the three of us to go out instead of staying in again.”

  Zoe took a bite of an onion bhaji, as she looked down at the floor. “I don’t recall holding a gun to your head. If you want to go out and do whatever you want to do, by all means go ahead.”

  Cody turned to her and cupped her face in her hands. “Jesus, sweetheart, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  Batting away her hand, Zoe raised her eyes to meet Cody’s. “Your constant innuendoes are also getting a bit boring.”

  Cody rose to her feet. “Babe — I was only kidding with her.”

  “Did you see me laughing?”

  “Yeah, well maybe I’m no longer finding this fun anymore,” Cody said, standing up and grabbing her jacket from the door knob. “This is exactly why I stay single — too much bloody drama!”

  ***

  Mojo’s was the latest lesbian bar to hit the gay scene. Dimly lit and low ceilinged, it was known for its reputation of being the place for anonymous liaisons. Rachel had decided to try her luck there as the Internet hadn’t been connected in their new home yet. She drifted through the hordes of sweaty women dancing on the small dance floor and headed straight to the bar, getting served immediately.

  “JD and Coke,” she said as she briefly surveyed the crowd before turning back around. She slipped a note onto the counter and was surprised when a hand covered hers.

  “This is on me,” a woman dressed in a black biker jacket and skin-tight trousers said, leering at her. The deep-seated lines on her tanned skin gave the appearance of an old piece of leather.

  “Why thanks,” Rachel said, turning towards her and instantly deciding that she was not her type, “but I’ll pay for my own drink,” she said politely, withdrawing her hand.

  “What? My money not good enough for you?” the woman said, a vein on her forehead becoming engorged.

  “I didn’t say that, I just prefer buying my own drinks. If that’s alright with you,” Rachel said, staring back into her protruding eyes.

  “And what if it’s not?” She roughly gripped her wrist.

  “You really don’t want to know the answer to that question,” a voice came from behind her. A woman came into view, a black cap covering her head — at first glance she could have been mistaken for a young man. Her complexion was a rich espresso brown and at five foot eight inches tall, with a broad frame, she towered over Rachel’s antagonist by at least four inches. “Do you?” the stranger asked as she leaned in closer to the woman’s face.

  “Hey, sorry, I thought she was alone,” she stammered as she slowly backed away.

  “Well, she’s not, okay?” Rachel’s protector said menacingly.

  “Okay okay, I get the message,” the woman replied, disappearing into the darkness.

  “Are you alright?” the stranger asked Rachel.

  “Thanks, but I could have handled her myself, you know.”

  The woman raised her hands in surrender. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to step on anyone’s toes,” she said, turning to walk away.

  Rachel reached out, placing her hand on the other woman’s forearm. “You’re forgiven.”

  “Thanks.” Her face split into a girlish grin, revealing pearly white teeth.

  “Can I get you a drink ...?” Rachel asked, probing for her name.

  “DJ.”

  “DJ, I’m Rachel, nice to meet you.”

  DJ nodded at her. “I’ve got a drink, thanks,” she said, revealing the bottle of beer in her hand. “Can I ask you something?” She slid onto a wooden stool beside her.

  “Fire away.”

  “What are you doing in a place like this?”

  “Having a drink,” Rachel said innocently.

  DJ rolled her eyes. “You know what I’m talking about. This isn’t the sort of place a woman like you should be hanging out.”

  “Thanks, Mum, any more advice before you send me home to bed?”

  “I don’t mean to be intrusive, what I mean is, this place isn’t safe for someone like you.”

  “Oh yeah and what am I?”

  “Young and by the looks of it, very naive. That pretty face of yours is going to cause you big problems in a place like this.”

  “Things are going okay so far.” Rachel smirked.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” DJ said, quickly putting her drink on the bar. “I think it’s time we left,” she said, grabbing Rachel by the arm.

  “Hey ... what the —” Rachel began to say before she noticed the biker woman was heading towards them with a group of aggressive-looking women.

  “You’re right,” Rachel said, quickly draining her drink and fleeing the bar with DJ.

  Upon leaving, DJ removed her jacket and placed it over Rachel’s bare shoulders. “Do you want to come back to my place?” she said, as they took off down the road, still looking back towards the bar to see if they were being followed.

  “I don’t know ...” Rachel said as images of Kathryn flashed through her mind.

  “I thought you were single and fancy free?”

  “I was ... I am.” Who am I kidding? Kathryn doesn’t want me. Who am I saving myself for?

  “Is that a yes then?”

  “Sure why not,” Rachel said, her resolve crumbling as she banished thoughts of Kathryn.

  DJ suddenly leapt out into the road and waved frantically at a cab that was driving past on the other side. She let out a loud whistle, at which the cab driver noticed her and did a U-turn in the middle of the street. As the cab drew up beside them, DJ opened the door for Rachel then climbed in behind her.

  “Camden town, mate,” DJ said as they settled back into the taxi’s cold leather seat.

&n
bsp; ***

  Rachel followed DJ into a three story block of flats. As soon as they were through the front door of her flat, DJ unzipped her jacket and threw it to the floor before grabbing hold of Rachel, pulling her roughly towards her. In one swift movement, DJ’s hand slid up Rachel’s top, her cold skin making contact with her breast.

  “I want you so bad,” DJ said as she crushed her mouth against Rachel’s, using her tongue to prise her lips apart.

  Rachel had no choice but to respond — she wrapped her arms around DJ’s hips, pressing hard against her as the familiar stirrings of sexual desire began to rise within her. She opened her eyes and in an instant felt as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water on her. She couldn’t go through with it. She didn’t want to have sex with this stranger. The only person she wanted was Kathryn.

  Seemingly unaware of Rachel’s change of heart, DJ’s hand moved to Rachel’s waist, tugging at the button on her jeans.

  Rachel put her hand firmly over DJ’s, stopping her eager hands in their track. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I can’t”

  DJ took a small step back and quizzically regarded her with a slight smile. “Whoever’s on your mind is a lucky lady.”

  “There’s no one —”

  “Save it, babe, you can tell a mile off that you’ve got your heart set on someone.”

  “It’s that obvious, huh?”

  “Yes, come on, follow me to the kitchen. I’ll make you a coffee and you can tell me all about her. There’s no point wasting the whole evening.”

  CHAPTER 30

  As if on autopilot, Kathryn cracked two eggs into the pan of boiling water and put a slice of wholemeal bread into the toaster. “Aren’t you getting dressed today?” Gareth asked as he walked into the kitchen, noticing she was still in her white dressing gown.

  “Later, I thought I’d make your breakfast before I go and have a long soak in the bath.”

  “Is anything wrong? You look tired.”

  “No, I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment,” she said.

  “Well, you have been burning the candle at both ends for the past few weeks,” he said, admonishing her rather than showing any concern.

  Kathryn shrugged her shoulders wearily. “Well, there’s only one of me. I can’t be at ten places at once.”

  Gareth said nothing. Instead, he walked over to the worktop and poured two cups of coffee from the pot and sat down at the table.

  The toast popped out of the toaster, giving Kathryn a fright. She picked it out quickly; burning the tips of her fingers in the process and laying it on the plate, deliberately taking her time. She used the utensil to scoop out both eggs and laid them by the bread.

  “If I remember clearly, it was you who said I should take on more clients,” she said, placing the plate on the table and sitting down heavily on the chair opposite him.

  “I thought it would be good for you. You seemed down — depressed even.”

  “Maybe I am,” she said quietly, bringing the hot coffee mug to her mouth and blowing it before taking a sip.

  Gareth ignored her comment and began to eat. “Aren’t you eating?” he asked between mouthfuls of toast.

  “Nope, not hungry,” she said. The very thought of food made her stomach constrict.

  She pushed her hair back into a ponytail and tied it with a band from her wrist. “I think I’ll go and have that bath,” she said, picking up the coffee to take with her. She was in no mood to sit through ten minutes of questioning from Gareth that morning.

  ***

  Cody smiled as Kathryn walked into her office and shut the door softly behind her.

  Kathryn looked at her almost shyly. “Am I disturbing you?”

  Cody rose from her desk. “No.”

  “How was your trip?”

  “Very good, I was just writing up a report on it. I found some great stuff, as well as getting a great tan but I take it that isn’t what you wanted to talk to me about.”

  Kathryn shifted uncomfortably on her feet, her eyes cast downwards. “No, actually. It’s about when I bumped into you a few weeks ago.”

  “At Rachel’s, you mean?”

  Kathryn looked up and met her gaze. “Yes. I haven’t had the courage to mention it till now.”

  “What about it?”

  “I was a bit rude, not saying hello or anything.”

  “Kathryn, take a seat,” Cody said, “please.”

  Kathryn walked the short distance to the swivel chair and sat down as Cody resumed her place behind her desk.

  “Look, tell me if I’m out of order here,” Cody began awkwardly, “but I know what you’re going through.”

  Kathryn looked at her, puzzled. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  Cody let out a deep breath. “Okay here goes, I just hope you don’t fire me for saying this ... I know about you and Rachel.”

  Kathryn began to rise from her chair. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Please sit down. I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there myself.”

  Kathryn lowered herself back onto the chair.

  “I hate talking about this,” Cody said, putting her head in both hands. “Eight years ago, I was married to a man I thought could make me normal,” she said, using her fingers as quotations. “I wanted, more than anything, to fit in with society. Hell, I even wanted to have a kid or two,” she said, smiling at the long distant memory. “I could have carried on living like that if I hadn’t met Vanessa.”

  She finally looked at Kathryn and seeing her interest, carried on, “She was a client I met through my old agency. She was a very outspoken lesbian activist who had no qualms about her sexuality and who knew about it. Well, just what I can see happening between you and Rachel happened between us. After a lot of toing and froing we eventually ...” she paused, trying to find the right words, “you know — slept together. I’m not proud I cheated on my husband, but the attraction was so strong, I felt like I was possessed. Anyway,” she continued, “she wanted me to leave Mike, my ex-husband, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave the security that marriage enabled me have. The end shot of it was that she was not willing to wait it out — she walked out of my life and it’s my biggest regret. I take it you see where I’m going with this.”

  Kathryn nodded.

  “Every day, I wish I could turn the clock back and follow my heart instead of my head, but ....” She clasped her hands together.

  Kathryn placed her hand over Cody’s before standing. “Thank you, Cody.”

  ***

  Later that evening at home, Kathryn threw the pencil she was holding on the desk. The last thing she wanted to think about was materials and colour schemes, when she just couldn’t get Rachel out of her mind. She felt guilty about not contacting her since the party but she couldn’t risk seeing her again before she’d decided what to do about Gareth.

  I need to just deal with it!

  There was a soft tap on her office door, then it was pushed open.

  “Can I get you some tea?” Gareth asked, seeming to notice the look of frustration on her face but saying nothing.

  “Yes, tea will be great, thanks.”

  “How’s it going?” he said, nodding towards the blank piece of paper in front of her.

  “It’s not,” she replied.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I’m just not in the mood for it, if I’m honest.”

  “Why don’t you go out for a bit of fresh air, clear your head?”

  She glanced out of the window, then looked at him. “It’s pissing down.”

  “Oh, so it is,” he said ruefully, easing himself into the chair next to her. “Do you want to talk, Kathryn?” He watched her face closely.

  She dropped her eyes to the floor — in part out of guilt, in part because she knew she was about to break his heart. She spoke quietly, playing with the gold band he had placed on her finger all those years ago. “I think we need to, Gareth.”


  “This doesn’t sound good.”

  A tear formed at the corner of her eye. “I don’t know where to begin.”

  “At the beginning usually helps,” he said, rubbing her arm.

  “I think ... I think I’m going to move out for a while.”

  His mouth fell open. “This is a bit out of the blue, isn’t it?”

  “Not really, not to me anyway. I’ve been feeling like this for quite a while. I thought it would pass but ....”

  “But what?”

  She looked up at him as the tears began to fall freely. “If I’m brutally honest, I’m just not happy.”

  “Have you met someone else? Is this what this is about?”

  “In a way yes — I haven’t cheated on you, I never would ... but that’s not why I’m leaving. I’m trying to find me — can you understand that?”

  He shook his head. “I’m such a fool, this is all my own doing.”

  She stroked his cheek with her hand. “Don’t say that, Gareth, you haven’t done anything to cause this. I’ve just changed, I’ve realised I need more from life — more than you can give me.”

  Grabbing her hand in sudden desperation, he spluttered, “We can fix this, whatever it is, you don’t have to leave, we can work through it together.”

  “I’m sorry, Gareth, not this time we can’t,” she said, wiping away the tears.

  “So what are we talking about here ... divorce?”

  “I don’t know. All I know is that I need to get away for a bit to try and sort my head out. I’ll go and stay with Jo for a while,” she said, turning away from him. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him for a second longer — his eyes bright with unshed tears, the guilt was too much to bear.

  He stood gracefully, holding his chin high, seemingly mustering all the dignity he could gather. “I’m going out, I take it you’ll be gone before I get back?”

  She nodded mutely.

  “So be it,” he said, closing the door softly behind him.

  CHAPTER 31

  Rachel walked into the kitchen, shaking her head. “That’s the tenth time Cody’s called now. She said she isn’t going to stop until you speak to her.”

  “Well, she’ll be wasting her time because whatever it was, is over,” Zoe said, washing back the last dregs of coffee and placing the white mug in the sink.