Guilty Hearts

by Jade Winters

  “This isn’t a good time for me.”

  “Shall I come back later?”

  Rachel shook her head. “No.”

  “Is this all because I came on a bit strong? If it is, that’s why I’m here, to apologise.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Then what is it?” Kathryn ventured nervously.

  Rachel winced. “Just some stuff that’s come up.”

  “Oh.”

  “It’s kind of personal.” When Rachel felt her emotions threatening to overwhelm her, she took a few seconds to compose herself by busying herself, tidying the room.

  “So it has nothing to do with us?” Kathryn’s curiosity was heightened, as her eyes followed her.

  “Not directly, no.”

  “Okay I’m really confused now.”

  “It’s nothing really.”

  “It doesn’t sound like nothing, Rachel. I thought ... even before this happened, that we were friends, we could talk to each other.”

  Rachel turned to look at her. “We could, we can.”

  Stepping towards her and taking her hands, Kathryn said, “So why are you blocking me out?”

  Unable to look into her eyes, Rachel turned her head. “Because, it’s not that easy.”

  “Okay, I’m not going to pressure you into telling me what it is, just know that I’m there if you ever need me.”

  Releasing her hands, Kathryn walked towards the front door.

  “Kathryn, wait!”

  She stopped, her hand hovering above the handle.

  “It’s best you see for yourself.”

  Kathryn followed Rachel into a small box room, which was used as an office. On top of the metallic desk lay a cream folder. Scooping it up, Rachel handed it to her, then leaned against the edge of the desk and watched as Kathryn opened the folder and began to read. She guessed she had gotten the gist of the story when she looked up at her, eyes wide and her face ghost white.

  “Oh my God, Rachel, I’m so sorry,” she said, the words stumbling from her mouth “When ... how did you find out?

  “A few days ago.”

  Unable to speak, Kathryn moved towards her but Rachel stood, wrapping her arms around her chest, creating an invisible barrier between them, stopping Kathryn in her tracks.

  “It’s no biggie, really, I don’t remember any of it.”

  “But ... it still must have come as a big shock.” Kathryn’s voice caught with emotion.

  “Yeah, well, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.”

  “Cos that’s the way it’s always been, huh? Never letting anyone in, always being the strong one.”

  Rachel shrugged her shoulders noncommittally, her eyes leaving Kathryn’s face.

  Kathryn held out the folder. “If you won’t let me in, there’s nothing I can do.”

  “There isn’t anything anyone can do, it’s in the past — it’s over, nothing will bring my dad back. What happened can’t be undone.” Rachel took the folder from Kathryn and dropped it on the desk.

  Kathryn shook her head. “I wish there was something I could say.”

  “There isn’t.” Rachel knew every word she spoke was a lie, but what choice did she have? She would rather Kathryn be angry at her for pushing her away, then hate her for deceiving her. She could see the bewilderment in her eyes as Kathryn turned, stopping halfway, as if she had something to say then changing her mind. Silently, she walked out of the office and to the front door, closing it quietly behind her.

  Rachel stood rooted to the spot for several minutes before dragging a chair out from underneath her desk and collapsing into it. “Can this get any worse?” she said out loud as she leaned her forehead against the palms of her hands. “What am I going to do?”

  “What you’re going to do,” Zoe said from the doorway, making Rachel nearly jump out of skin. “Is go to her, and tell her the truth, the real truth!”

  “I can’t, Zoe, I just can’t.”

  “Rachel, she loves you. It takes a strong woman to do what she did today, she came to you with her heart on her sleeve and you rejected her, but she still wanted to be there for you. I think if you explain to her what happened, she’ll forgive you ... in time.”

  “Do you think so?” Rachel looked at her.

  “Yes, I do, but you need to do it sooner rather than later. If the truth is going to come out, it’s better it comes from your mouth rather than Gareth’s.”

  Rachel took a deep breath as she contemplated Zoe’s words. She had never been so scared in her life.

  “Ok,” she said as she stood, “I’ll tell her.”

  “Good.” Zoe put her hand out to stop her before she left. “Just remember she’s going to be angry with you, and rightly so, but I think when she comes to terms with it, she’ll understand.”

  “I hope so,” Rachel said.

  ***

  Rachel’s finger trembled as she pressed the sliver button, her heart skipping a beat when she heard Kathryn’s voice from behind the door.

  “Hello.”

  “It’s Rachel.”

  After a few moments, the door flew open and Kathryn stood there.

  “I’m sorry,” Rachel said, moving in to embrace her. They held each other, Kathryn planting kisses on her head.

  “It’s okay, we’ll get through this, I promise,” Kathryn said, leaning back to look into her eyes. “Come on, come in. We’ll freeze to death out here,” she said, taking her by the hand, holding her close by.

  They stood in the hallway as Rachel removed her jacket, Kathryn leaned in towards her, dropping a soft lingering kiss on her mouth.

  “Hmmm,” Rachel groaned, wrapping her arms around her waist, pulling her in for a deeper kiss.

  Kathryn laughed, pulling away. “Later.”

  “No,” Rachel pouted. “Now.”

  “We can’t,” Kathryn whispered, holding her at bay with her hands against her chest.

  “Why are we whispering?” Rachel asked in a hushed voice, smiling at their little game.

  “Because,” Kathryn said, kissing her once more before nodding towards the front room door. “Gareth’s here.”

  Rachel’s mouth fell open.

  “Don’t worry, I was just in the process of telling him about you. Not that I thought there was going to be an us but I was going to tell him I couldn’t go back to him because ...” She paused, looking into her eyes as if gauging if it was safe to tell her. “Because I was in love with someone else.”

  Rachel remained unresponsive, still shocked to the core by this unexpected situation.

  “Has the cat got your tongue?”

  Finding her voice, Rachel finally spoke, “There’s something I have to tell you first.”

  “I’m not expecting you to say you love me too, I —”

  “No, it’s not that. I mean I do ... love you, that is.” Rachel stopped talking — she had said it without even realising — she loved her, with every fibre of her body, but their love could never be pure if she didn’t tell her the truth.

  “You do!”

  “Yes, very much.”

  “Well, aren’t you two quite the love birds,” Gareth said as he leaned against the door frame, watching them.

  “Gareth, how long have you been standing there?” Kathryn asked, spinning round to face him.

  “Long enough,” he said.

  “I’m sorry, Gareth, I was going to tell you all about it.”

  “And what’s it? This is what you left me for?” he said, nodding at Rachel, who was leaning flat up against the wall.

  “Not exactly. I left because our marriage wasn’t working anymore and, if the truth be known, it never had.”

  “The truth,” he said, looking up in the air, letting out a harsh laugh. “We’ve all got some home truths to tell, haven’t we?” He lowered his gaze to look directly at Rachel. “Pandora!”

  Kathryn looked between them both. “What are you talking about?” she asked, confused.

  “Do you want t
o tell her or shall I?” Gareth asked.

  “Look, Gareth, it doesn’t have to be like this,” Rachel urged.

  “Doesn’t it? Do you really think I’m going to let you end up with my wife?”

  “Please don’t tell her like this,” Rachel begged, tears rimming her eyes.

  “Tell me what?” Kathryn asked. “Gareth, Rachel — what’s going on?”

  Rachel turned to her. “Nothing, nothing’s going on.”

  “Isn’t there?” he growled.

  “Tell me what? What’s going on here?” Kathryn asked again, looking at them both for answers.

  “I’m sorry, Kathryn,” Rachel said.

  “Sorry for what? Will someone please tell me!” Kathryn pleaded, her eyes darting from one to the other.

  “Go on, Rachel, tell her. Tell how you accidently met her in the bar that first night, tell her why you befriended her. How you searched the Internet looking for horny women to fuck.”

  Kathryn looked towards Rachel, who lowered her head in shame. “What’s he talking about, is it true?”

  “Yes, it’s true.” His voice echoed throughout the hallway. “It was so you could get your lesbian lust satisfied by this slut, who shags anything that moves. You were just another one on a long list.”

  Kathryn stood still, stunned.

  “That’s not true, Kathryn. You’ve got to believe me. I was just going to flirt with you, but I fell in love.”

  Kathryn turned to Gareth. “How do you know about all of this?”

  “Because I set the whole thing up.”

  “You set me up?”

  “Yes, I knew you wanted sex with a woman, so I gave you that.” He pointed at Rachel.

  Kathryn blinked as the enormity of the situation sank in. “You both toyed with my life, and you,” she said to Rachel, “how could you do this to me?”

  “I’m sorry ....”

  “I want you to leave,” Kathryn said.

  “Please just let me explain”

  “I said I want you to leave now!”

  Obediently Rachel opened the door and walked through it. She turned to say something as the tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “Just go,” Kathryn shouted at her before slamming the door behind her. “I can’t believe that you could have done something like that to me,” she said, turning to face Gareth, her voice shaking in disbelief.

  “Oh, you’re a fine one to talk. You didn’t exactly fight her off, did you?” Gareth said squaring up to her.

  “But why? Why would you do this to me?”

  “Because you were unhappy, that’s why. Because I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted, what you needed. I’m not stupid, Kathryn. I knew you married me for security and not for love and that was enough for me but it wasn’t enough for you in the end.” His voice faltered, and he tilted his head upwards, tears rolling down either side of his face.

  He looked pitiful, and her heart went out to him. The anger she felt for him diminished. She went to his side and wrapped her arms around him, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. She thought of all the years they had wasted in a loveless marriage, Gareth as much as her. Neither of them had been happy, but they had both soldiered on regardless and she had inadvertently reduced this wonderful, caring man to going on websites looking for another woman to make her happy. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of the situation.

  “I’m sorry, Gareth, I really am,” she said, taking responsibility for her own part of this mess. If only she had just left him when she realised there was no hope for their relationship. Didn’t that make her just as bad as him? Wasn’t she just as deceitful?

  “Do you forgive me?” he asked boyishly, hope in his eyes.

  “If you can forgive me,” she said, releasing him from their embrace and standing back to look at him.

  “Of course I can, I’d forgive anything of you. I really did do it because I love you.”

  “I know you believe you do, Gareth.”

  “So can we go back to how things were and put her behind us?”

  Kathryn walked into the living room, closely followed by Gareth, and sat on the edge of the sofa. The place where she had rediscovered a part of herself. “I’m sorry, but there’s no going back.”

  “But you said —” A look of confusion spread across his features.

  “I know what I said and it’s the truth. It’s because of the lies I told myself that I created this whole sordid mess.”

  “You need me, Kathryn, you always have and you always will. Do you think a woman can offer you the security I give you?”

  She could hear the desperation in his voice but nothing could make her return to him now. Despite the revelations, she now knew what love was. Even if she wasn’t going to be with Rachel, she would no longer settle for less.

  “You told me that story for so long I grew to believe it.” She shook her head sadly. “And we both suffered for believing that lie.”

  “How did things come to this?”

  “Some things are just meant to be,” she said sadly as she watched him lower his head like a broken man, the fight knocked out of him. “Are you going to be okay?”

  He looked up at her, pride in his eyes. “Yes, I’ll have to be. Lilly has invited me to spend the holidays with her and the kids in the South of France.”

  “You do know she’s in love with you.” Kathryn smiled.

  “Can you blame her?” he half joked.

  “No, I don’t. Whoever you fall in love with is going to be a very lucky woman.”

  “You don’t have to say that.”

  “I mean it. None of this had anything to do with you as a person, you are one of the kindest sweetest men I’ve ever known.”

  “Enough, I won’t be able to get my head out the door if you carry on.”

  “I just want you to be happy.”

  “So where do we go from here?”

  Kathryn lowered her gaze. She didn’t want to see his eyes when she delivered the final blow. “Start divorce proceedings.”

  He walked to the door and turned. She could see by the way he looked at her that he had accepted it was over. “So that’s it, you’re going to be with ... her.”

  “I didn’t say that, I can understand your motives but I can’t understand hers.” And she couldn’t. Rachel had ample opportunity to tell her the truth. Hell, if she had told her the first night they met, she might have even been able to laugh it off — but to know that she’d shared so much of herself with Rachel, in and out of bed, and she still didn’t tell her, well, that was unforgiveable.

  CHAPTER 40

  Sunlight permeated through the dense tangled branches of the oak trees that lined the street, patches of golden light hitting the ground. What had started out as a twenty-minute walk had soon turned into an hour, as Kathryn struggled to find an answer to the question that had refused to go away — what was she going to do? She was no closer to an answer now than she had been the previous night. Had everything that she had with Rachel been a lie? She couldn’t bring herself to believe that but the facts did seem to speak for themselves. She turned onto her street, glancing at her watch, before quickening her pace — if she didn’t get a move on she would be late for her first appointment of the day, and she needed the distraction more than anything. Minutes later, she was at her front door, withdrawing her keys from her pocket. As she inserted her key into the lock, she froze when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

  “Kathryn.”

  Kathryn’s heart stopped as she recognised the voice. She forced herself to turn around, immediately noting Rachel’s eyes welling up, her bottom lip quivering.

  “You scared me,” Kathryn said, letting out a deep breath, trying to keep her voice even.

  “I’m sorry ... can we talk?” Rachel asked, rubbing her hands together.

  “I have nothing to say to you.” Kathryn turned back to the door, her hand pressing against it.

  “Kathryn, please wait, just let me explain.”<
br />
  “What on earth could you tell me that could make what you did alright?” Kathryn shook her head, holding the door open ajar with her foot.

  “This might sound pathetic, but this had nothing to do with you.”

  Kathryn mulled over it for a few seconds. “You’re right, it does sound pathetic.”

  “But it’s true.”

  “Are you serious? I was played for a fool yet this has nothing to do with me?” Kathryn felt her cheeks flush with anger.

  Rachel met her eyes with regret. “I swear, the plan was off as soon as I met you, and I told Gareth. I made a mistake and I’m sorry. What would you have done in my position?”

  Kathryn shrugged her shoulders. “I wouldn’t have been in your position in the first place. Nothing you say is going to make a difference.”

  “So that’s it?”

  “Yes, that’s it.”

  “Please don’t end things like this, I love you.” Rachel reached out and touched her.

  Kathryn almost laughed as she felt her stomach tense. “I don’t need your type of love. I’m sure you will easily find someone else on the website you frequent.”

  Rachel winced. “I don’t do that anymore. I haven’t been on that site since I met you.”

  “Well, maybe you should, you seem to be very good at it.” Kathryn pushed the door open and stepped inside. As she heard Rachel’s footsteps retreating from her door, the tears began to tumble down her cheeks.

  CHAPTER 41

  Everyone had left the office for the day except for Kathryn and Carol. Carol picked up her phone and buzzed Kathryn’s office. She spoke briefly to tell her Rachel’s flatmate Zoe wanted to see her.

  “Kathryn will see you now,” Carol said. “Down the hall, it’s the first door on the left.”

  Kathryn looked up at the door as it opened.

  “I thought you wouldn’t see me?”

  Kathryn frowned slightly. “Why not? You’re not the one who betrayed me.”

  Zoe gave a sad shake of her head. “Rachel was right then, she said you wouldn’t ever forgive her,” Zoe said, walking over to her desk. “Do you mind if I sit down?”