Her lips are soft and my knees get weak, yet this is it. She will not belong to me.
I press my lips to hers one last time and climb out the window, planting my feet to the ground. I turn and look back at Cami. “I won’t be back, Cami, but I will never forget you.”
So many expressions encompass her eyes. They are reflecting sadness, fear, and understanding. This is my life now. The underworld is now where I live until the day I can get myself out. And if that day ever comes, maybe she can come with me. My gut tells me otherwise, though.
***
I pull my Challenger in the driveway of the Ryker house and park it behind the garage, hiding it from view. Ronnie’s car is already parked here next to Tank’s truck. Something isn’t right. I can feel the alarms sounding through my body, but I have no choice. I have to face this, and I will do it like a man. I start to think of the lives I’m trying to save—my family. In a fucked up way, my efforts could be considered noble. I’ve been risking my life to save all of them. In the days following my demise, I hope my family remembers me for what I’ve tried to accomplish.
As I tap into the familiar energy of my alter ego, I watch pictures of my family flip like an old movie in my head while the anger grows inside. With every step I take closer to the house, I morph myself into the uncontrollable, angry man I have become. My posture straightens and my muscles get tight. I am ready to kill. With my fists, with their guns, I will kill anyone who prevents me from getting my family the happiness we deserve. With each step, I’m becoming the beast.
Ronnie meets me just inside the door. “Don’t say anything. Only listen to him, got it?’
“Why did you come to Carter’s?” I’m angry because he stopped me from killing him.
“I got your text and knew you were about to do something stupid. Just be quiet and let me do the talking.”
“Why?”
“Please.” Because Ronnie’s eyes are begging me to stop, I do as he says.
I nod my head and get myself ready. I will go down fighting before I tell them the real reason I was at Carter’s tonight.
When we make our way up the stairs and into Matt’s room, he looks monstrous; his body poised in anger, sweat dripping from his brow. The revolver he keeps tucked in the waistband of his pants is in his hand. I have been around this man many, many times and have never seen him so distraught.
As Ronnie shuts the door behind me, I feel like I’ve met my judgment day. I will soon be made aware of my crimes and executed.
Tank and Victor are standing behind me, alongside Ronnie. I’m being surrounded. My senses are heightened, though. I’m getting my body ready to destroy, and I will do what I can to keep myself alive. I’ll go down with my fists swinging. I will go down like a man.
“Jeremy, come in here, son.” Matt moves from the back of the room and walks toward me like he’s stalking prey. He stands right in front of me, his face in mine, hot breath mingling with mine, as I try to keep my cool as best as my body will allow. All the while, my adrenaline is a raging ocean inside me.
When Matt lifts his hand, gun still clutched in his palm, I feel the steel; it digs into my shoulder as Matt squeezes my muscles and then releases. I’m confused because I was expecting him to shoot me in the head, but he doesn’t. He only looks at me like a father would a son.
I keep myself on guard as Matt squeezes my shoulder again. Then, with malice laced in his voice, he says, “I have a traitor in my group. Someone has been working very hard to take my connections away from me. However, what astounds me is that you didn’t think I would know.” As Matt walks away from me and slowly moves over to Tank, Victor, and Ronnie behind me, my eyes follow his movement while I keep myself ready for anything.
“Jeremy!” Matt shouts. “Get Ronnie!” Tank pushes Ronnie hard, making him collide into my body. I look back to Matt in confusion, knowing Ronnie would never betray him like this, but I do as I’m told. I clutch Ronnie’s arms behind his back until his elbows practically touch. Ronnie falls to his knees from the painful maneuver, but I keep a firm grip on him.
Matt leans down and presses his revolver to Ronnie’s head. He then cocks the hammer back and starts a game of Russian roulette. The sound is quiet yet deafening when the gun clicks but doesn’t fire. Ronnie flinches, however he doesn’t make a sound or a move. “I know Carter is up to this! Where is he, Ronnie?” Matt screams at the top of his lungs. The gun clicks again and again.
“I don’t know!” Ronnie pleads behind his screams.
Counting in my head, Matt has fired the gun three times. Ronnie could be dead in seconds if I don’t help him, but how do I do that and save myself at the same time? A plan sparks instantly in my head. I just hope it works.
I look Matt in the eyes and let go of Ronnie. His face transforms from anger to curiosity to betrayal in a matter of seconds. “It wasn’t Ronnie.” The butt of the gun connects with the side of my face and a shooting pain ignites.
“Jeremy!” Ronnie shouts. “What are you doing?”
“Shut up, Ronnie,” I seethe to him.
I look up to Matt and face him in the eye. I refuse to back down, and I won’t let him kill Ronnie over a waste of human life like Carter. “Ronnie is not involved with Carter and neither am I.”
Matt opens the cylinder on his revolver and moves it so the bullet will be the next shot fired. He points it at my face. “Start talking.” His voice is low and menacing.
“Carter is losing it. We noticed he was doing more and more coke before we’d go to a job. And recently we caught him shooting up.” I let out a deep breath and start recanting my lie. I briefly recall seeing random kilos of heroin on his table, but I never really thought about it. I was too blindly angry over his association with Presley to care about anything else. “Ronnie and I went to Carter’s apartment tonight to see what the hell is wrong with him. We found out he was supporting another dealer and we began to fight. I was able to get in a couple of good blows before he pulled a knife.” I lift up the sleeve of my shirt, exposing my knife wound. “He fired a couple of shots at us and managed to bail. My arm was bleeding and we were afraid the cops would be there soon, so we escaped. I went home and cleaned up my arm. Then I came here.”
“If you knew Carter was working with someone else, why didn’t you say anything? What were you trying to hide?” Matt asks still training the gun at my head. He is contemplating blowing my brains out while I’m attempting to keep my anger under wraps long enough to get us out of here.
“Because we know how you feel about Carter and we were sure you wouldn’t believe us unless we had the proof.” I am lying out my ass right now, needing Matt to believe my story, which isn’t that farfetched. It’s totally feasible for him to betray the Rykers and sell for the competition. He’s a snake and a disgusting human; I wouldn’t put it past him.
Matt stares at me for what feels like hours then slowly lowers the gun. He looks into my eyes and Ronnie’s, finding only truth. Only part of my story was true, however I need Matt to believe the entire thing. To save our lives, I don’t want Matt to believe anything else.
“Does his story corroborate with what you found at Carter’s?” Matt looks over to Tank and Victor for a response. It’s my fate that is held in the hands of these two jack asses.
They both nod at Matt and he relaxes completely.
Tucking the gun in the back of his pants, Matt lights a cigarette and looks back to the four of us. A cloud surrounds him as he blows smoke from his angry nostrils. He takes another drag then says, “Now, the hunt is on for that prick. His ass belongs to me. Bring him to me.”
I wipe the tears away from my face and place the white rose on top of the headstone. These have been the worst months of my life, and little by little, everything I once loved is now gone.
My mom was the last person who I truly cared about, and I prayed so hard for her to overcome her demons, but she just wasn’t able. And now, she’s gone. Inwardly, I’m glad her suffering is finally over. It’s been
a long few years I’ve had to deal with this, and the truth is, now I’m alone.
Even in her absence, I am lost. I don’t have anyone. There is no one left for me to care for. I’m a wandering soul. I have been for the last eight months. Nothing proved this more than my mother’s absence.
My uncle is all that remains of my family, but can I really call him that? He’s taken so much from me already. First, my father and then my brother, Ricardo, who took his own life after our father’s sudden death. Then recently, he took Jeremy as well. He has a way of owning people, but I never thought he’d own Jeremy.
I set another rose on top of my mother’s grave, and like every month on the anniversary of her death, I step away, saying goodbye. Five months ago, she finally succumbed to the sadness that was battling every day inside her body. Like my brother, my mom’s decision to go on living was something she couldn’t do anymore. She downed a bottle of wine and a bunch of prescription medication and then waited for the deadly mixture to kill her. Although my brother didn’t take a lethal concoction of pills to end his life, he had found my father’s gun and shot himself instead.
In her letter, she said she didn’t want to go to Heaven or to Hell, but she wanted to be left wandering the earth in hopes of finding my brother again. Both deaths are scarring and will be impossible to forget. I have to remember who she used to be before my father died. It was many years ago, but I have to remember both of them from when they were happy—when we all were happy.
In this train wreck that is known as my life, I secretly wish Jeremy would show up and wrap his arms around me. He knows what it’s like to lose a parent. I only want him to hold me and take all my heartache away. However, that’s never going to happen. He has chosen a life I will never understand, and because of his concerns about my relationship, he cut me out completely.
Once the shock wore off, I was angry with him at first. I didn’t understand how he could do this to me, to us. I would have followed him anywhere, done anything to have his love. However, now that I’ve had time to really think about it, Jeremy has chosen a life I can no longer be a part of. Too many people I love have given their lives for the sake of money, and I’m tired of it. I’m simply tired of all of it.
The sound of a car pulling up behind me snaps me out of my random thinking and into the present. The black truck is as familiar to me as my own hand. The tinted windows and lifted frame could only belong to one person.
When he opens the passenger door, I recall it’s been months since I’ve laid eyes on him. He’s changed. As Uncle Matt walks in my direction, slowly approaching me, I notice he looks tired and a few years older. The closer he gets, the better I can see the wear and tear on his face. The last few months have not been kind to him, and it makes me wonder what is happening to him—what’s happening to Jeremy.
However, I don’t want to see him right now. I want nothing to do with Uncle Matt, yet here he is, at my mother’s grave. The very sight of him infuriates me. I hate myself for still holding the tiniest piece of love for him, but mostly, I hate him. I’ve lost the ones I loved because of him. I’ve lost everything.
The closer he approaches, the more I back pedal away. He recognizes my hesitation to be near him and stops, holding his hands up in surrender before he speaks, “It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you, Camilla.” My family are the only ones who ever used my full name, but when it comes out of his mouth, it sounds tainted. “I haven’t seen you around the house lately. I wanted to see how you were holding up.”
“I’m fine,” I coldly snap back. The wind picks up slightly, blowing my hair across my cheek. Some strands stick to my lower lip and I angrily wipe them away.
“Look, Camilla, I’m not here to piss you off. I want to make sure you are taken care of. I am the only family you’ve got left.” Matt puts his hands in his pockets, and for the first time, I get a glimpse of what he was like when he was a young man, before the world destroyed him and made him the villain he is today.
“I don’t want your help,” I say, attempting to control my emotions. “I’ve never wanted anything from you.”
“You mean, your mother never allowed you to accept my help,” he corrects, and I can feel myself snapping. He is right. My mother, in the last year of her life, would say hateful things about my uncle. She’d never want me to accept his help, and until this day, I never understood why, I only complied.
I can feel something brewing under the surface of my skin. Something bottled inside me is moments from exploding. The feelings are heating my rage, making it skyrocket higher than ever. Suddenly, I burst. “I hate you!”
The abrupt eruption stuns him and me, for that matter. It’s been ages since I’ve screamed, and it feels good. My heart was aching, overcome with pain and anger. Once the bottle shattered, screaming allowed my soul to spew it out of me. I decide to feed on the energy and express every bit of my pain.
“You took everything from me! I loved you and you still took it all away!” I suck in a deep breath, but it’s impossible to get my anger under control. I want him to know how much he’s destroyed my life. “She was right,” I say pointing to my mother’s grave. “My father, my brother, the man I love, and now my mother. They are all gone one way or another because of you! I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate you!” The angry tears begin to bubble and trickle down my cheeks.
Matt doesn’t say anything, and for a moment, he looks remorseful, but it’s only for a moment. He is processing my words and pondering who that last person could be. The look in his eye is inquisitive, and I know what he’s wondering whom the man is that I love. I want to shout it from the highest mountain, too. I want to grab Matt by the collar of his shirt and shake him until he understands Jeremy is the man he took away from me, but I stand my ground. I keep my body indifferent. I only wipe away the tears. The effort is useless as they keep dripping from my eyes, though.
“Fine, have it your way, Camilla, but I will always be your family, and I will always want to take care of you.” As Matt turns his back to me, he motions with his hands. The back door of Tank’s truck opens up and the man I’ve yearned to see for the past eight months is stepping out.
He’s standing before me, looking beautifully dangerous, just as he did the night he left my room. It’s been eight impossible months. He’s been gone for so long, yet all those feelings are back again instantly.
My breath is stolen from my body the moment my eyes connect with his brown irises. I can see suffering in his eyes and the glint behind them is telling me it hasn’t been easy for him either. Oh, how I’ve missed him.
Many nights I would lose sleep wondering where he was and if he was okay. I’d lie in bed, longing, yearning, crying, and breaking a little more night after night. And here I stand, at the foot of my mother’s grave, looking right at the man I love. Nothing inside of me is making sense, though. My emotions have been gutted from my body and haphazardly scattered at my feet. I want to run to him, but I want to slug him in the face. I long to kiss his full, soft lips as I press his body into mine. I want to hold him yet never see him again. My feet begin to twitch with wanting to go to him. I need to feel his body connected to mine. Eight long months has felt like a lifetime of nothingness without him, and now he’s here.
Then I glance at my uncle. He is deeply concentrating, putting the pieces of our relationship puzzle together and I’m terrified. He’s always been a father-like figure to me, especially after my real dad passed away. He is protective, and until today, I never really saw that side to him.
While Jeremy’s eyes are trained on me, breaking me down with a very intense stare, Uncle Matt looks to him and then back to me. He senses something, an unprecedented connection, yet neither of us has made a move.
When Jeremy begins to walk closer, I confirm the last several months have been tormenting on him. Scars, fresh and healed, cover his knuckles and hands. Another scar hides in this eyebrow. I only know this is new because I’ve studied every magnificent feature on his
body. My heart breaks knowing he’s been suffering, yet it doesn’t take long for me to remember that he discarded me. He doesn’t want me in his life, and though he said it was for my own good, it should have been me deciding what was best for my life. The anger is starting to surface again as my insides beg to scream at him.
Once he reaches me, he unhitches the bag from his shoulder and sets it on the ground in front of me. Our eyes never break until Uncle Matt finally stops the silence, “I’m sorry, but am I missing something here? Do you two know each other?”
I’m sure I have a deer in the headlights look on my face. It was a question flying from left field, yet it was expected. Jeremy, on the other hand, his expression doesn’t falter at all. He stands completely somber—a poker face—and says nothing while I want to scream to everyone that this is the man that I love, but I don’t know what to do.
“Camilla, I asked you a question. Do you know him?”
I am panicking. I know, if I answer this question wrong, something awful will happen to Jeremy, and I can’t stomach that. I can’t stomach any more loss in my life, but I can’t lie either. I don’t want to hide anymore.
I look into Jeremy’s eyes again before I see his hands form fists. Jeremy’s muscles harden as the menacing look camouflages the small piece of the real him.
“Yes,” I whisper.
I blink away a tear, and when I’m finally able to see through my glassy eyes, Matt has his revolver pointed at Jeremy’s head. The world falls out from underneath me and I freeze. All the anger toward Jeremy instantly washes away and fear now replaces it. My uncle has snapped. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and I’m scared.
“What did you do to her?” Matt seethes to Jeremy.
Tank comes running from the truck, pistol drawn and aimed at Jeremy’s head. He is facing a firing squad, and it’s me who put him there because I find it impossible to lie. Even to save someone’s life, I still couldn’t do it.
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