She bites on her lower lip and whimpers as I feel her from the inside. My eyes close and my head falls back. The sweat on my brow is running down my face and onto her stomach. It’s the most intense feeling I’ve ever had. My body is skyrocketing into outer space and all I see are stars.
However, once the sensation is over, the reality of my future is starting to find its way back to me. This will be the last time I look into her brown eyes as a free man. I don’t know how long I will be gone, and I can’t expect her to wait for me. She doesn’t need to waste her life waiting for me. Because, if I don’t, the time she spends alone will all be for nothing. Hell, I don’t know if I will make it out alive, and one of us should have a chance at a normal life.
We’ve been lying on my bedroom floor for at least an hour without saying anything, just holding each other. I’m lying on top of his body, my head settled on his chest as he clings to me. We haven’t moved and we haven’t talked about what’s going to happen next. This is a bittersweet hell, and I’m struggling to keep my emotions together. I want to cry. I want to run away with Jeremy and never come back. However, the possibility is not an option. Jeremy knows full well what will happen if he runs. Matt will pursue. He’ll never give up, not until we are found and he is dead. Plus, Jeremy has a family, a family he adores and I know he will never leave them behind.
I can’t keep from thinking what he will tell them when he gets arrested. Do they know already? Has he told them about Matt’s plan and his absence? I finally decide I have to know.
Before he leaves, I need Jeremy to talk to me. I only hope he’s receptive to it. I mull over the words to use in my head, but ultimately decide being blunt is the only way I can get the answer I need quickly.
“Did you tell your family?”
Jeremy’s relaxed body instantly goes hard as his muscles tense. I can sense the anger even though I’m not looking into his eyes. The air around us has changed, getting colder and unwelcoming. I know he senses it because he’s created it.
“Cami, don’t.” It’s my warning, but I choose to ignore it.
I sit up and put my hand on his chest to hold myself up. I’m looking down at him, begging him with my eyes to tell me something. I want him to tell me anything.
“Please, just talk me. Tell me what’s going through your mind. I want to understand.”
When Jeremy pushes me off him and gets to his feet, I stand as well and watch him as he searches for his clothes. I won’t let him leave. I will follow him until he answers my questions. I will follow him anywhere. I simply want to know what is going through his mind. I want to understand everything so I can be fully prepared for when he leaves.
As I grab his arm and pull him back, he ignites in a fit of rage and pushes me. I stumble on my feet but remain upright.
“There’s nothing to understand, Cami!”
I summon my courage and make myself dig deeper. Jeremy will not be forthcoming unless he’s pushed, and right now, I’m the person who’s going to push him. He needs to talk to someone, and I want so desperately for that someone to be me.
“No! You just tell me something! Anything! Why are you so scared for me to know about your family? Why can’t I be a part of that?”
He turns around and the menacing, evil man consumes him. I’ve seen it before, but he has never directed it toward me. He stalks over to me and gets into my face, his breath against mine, but I don’t cower.
Although I’m scared out of my wits, I won’t back down from him. I will not show him he scares me because the real Jeremy doesn’t. The real Jeremy is who I need to speak to right now.
I take command of my voice. “Jeremy, just talk to me.”
“What do you want to hear, Cami? Do you want me to tell you that, after I go to prison, I won’t have a family left? Because that’s what will happen. They will disown me the minute the DEA comes, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I can talk to the—”
“No! You’re a part of this life, Cami; you cannot be a part of the other. I won’t allow it.”
Jeremy is trying to work his way from my bedroom, but I refuse to move. I stand in front of the doorway, hands on my hips, demanding him to say something more.
“Move. Now.” I cannot ignore his tone, but I will not give in to it.
“I’m not moving until you tell me why.” My voice is as cold and angry as his.
“I will lose everything tomorrow. Can’t you understand that! There will be nothing left for me to go home to. I will lose my entire family the moment the handcuffs are placed on my wrists. It will all be gone!” He walks away, but he doesn’t stay away for long. He begins to pace the room like a caged animal, stalking and trying to unleash his fury.
I keep pushing him, though. I am backing him into that metaphoric corner, and when he comes out, it may be swinging or it may be crumbling. Regardless, I will be right there to watch it unfold.
“Why? What is the big deal if you tell your family about me? Have you ever considered how I will feel when you go to prison? Has that thought even dawned on you? I will be left alone. I won’t have brothers or sisters to console me. I will be left to deal with this all on my own! Just tell me what you are so afraid of!”
As Jeremy flies from the side of the room, coming out ready for a fight, I tense, not knowing what he will do or say. The sound of his voice scares me when he shouts, “Carter killed Presley! Did you want to know that?”
I feel like he kicked me in the gut. Although I didn’t know her, I know she didn’t deserve to die at the hand of that sadistic murderer. I’m racking my brain, trying to remember when this happened, but I cannot recall any of it.
“I should have killed Carter. It was my responsibility and I didn’t do it, and now she’s dead. I had to watch my brother practically die right along with her. So, if you ask me what I’m afraid of, it’s the look Drake will have in his eyes the moment he realizes I’m responsible for what happened to her. I will lose my family.” With those words, Jeremy’s legs give out and he falls down onto the mattress. He bends over and holds his head in his hands, overcome with everything tomorrow will bring.
I sit down beside him and hold his hand in mine. I want him to know that I am here for him and I will never abandon him, not in his time of need. I don’t say anything nor does he. I simply hold his hand and comfort him as best as I can.
Hours must have passed by because, the next time I look out the window, the sun is peeking over the horizon. Today is the day. We don’t know when it will happen, but we do know he will lose his freedom. He’s about to embark on the scariest journey of his life, and I pray he can make it out alive. I hope he will find his way back to me.
I make love to Cami one more time before I’m ready to say goodbye to her. We lie in her bed and spend time savoring each other, but now reality is at her front door. Life is ready to take me away from her.
I never really let the feelings sink in before, however now that she’s told me, I can’t ignore the fact Cami will be all alone. She won’t have anyone to support her or hold her when she cries.
Then there’s Matt’s stipulation. I won’t be able to speak to her while I’m locked up. I can send one letter the entire time I will be gone. I don’t even know how long that is going to be, either. All I know is, according to what everyone will read on paper, Carter turned me into the police and I got sentenced. However, it’s Matt and all his connections playing a sick game—one where nobody really wins. The prize is my freedom from the life—my freedom from the underworld—yet with the high cost it is taking, I’m still a loser even if I get it.
I know I can do the time. It won’t be easy, but that’s not the part that worries me. How am I supposed to face my family after what I’ve done? How am I going to face Drake knowing I couldn’t follow through and kill Carter? I saw his saddened eyes and broken spirit at the funeral. Once he knows the truth, I will be the outcast and abolished from the family. I will have no family. I will have nowhere to go. It
will all be gone.
I stand from Cami’s bed and slowly start pulling my clothes on. This time, she doesn’t try to stop me. She stands alongside me and dresses herself. The feelings building in my chest are squeezing my ability to breath. I don’t want to leave her, but if I stay a single second longer, I will never leave. I will get into my car and drive off into the sunset, just Cami and me. My favorite girl and my favorite machine, living life as we see fit.
When we walk from her house and Cami stops next to my car, I go to open the door, feeling the tension between us. We are leaving things between us at a good place, yet we’re not. I don’t want her to wait for me. I don’t want Cami to suffer anymore. I want her to be free. From day one, I wanted her to walk away from this entire life, completely unscathed and happy. All I want for Cami is happiness. Nothing more, nothing less—simply happy.
She moves herself close to my body and I hold her in my arms. I feel her body pressed against mine as the emotion I have for this woman rises in my throat, choking my ability to breath. I can feel her whimpers as she tries to gain control over her own feelings. However, the time has come and I need to move forward. Cami needs to move on.
“Cami,” I whisper in her ear then pull her head up so I can look in her eyes. I will never forget these eyes. They will be my saving grace when all hell is unleashed later today. I won’t forget how happy these eyes make me feel when I’m being human—when I’m being the real me. “I don’t want you to wait for me.” Her eyes open as large as they can. They’re round, brown pools glazed over with tears. “I don’t want you to put your future on hold because of me. I can’t go through a single minute in prison knowing you’re living outside of this place unhappy. Promise me. Promise me you’ll live your life.”
“Don’t ask me to do that, please.” As Cami’s eyes release their tears, I ache from the pain I’ve caused. I can feel her heartbreak as it cloaks the air and chokes me.
“You have to promise me you won’t stop living because I’m gone. I need this, please.” I am begging her. The guilt of what will happen when Drake finds out my betrayal is too much to deal with already. Knowing she’s at home, locked inside, suffering from the hurt, would be too much.
I bend down and touch my forehead to hers then lace my fingers with hers. I want to hold her tight, but I need to let go. The anguish in my heart spills over and a small tear falls from my eye. This is my final goodbye to her.
Whenever I get out, I want her life to be full of wonder and joy, not grief. I don’t want to be that something she regrets. Life it too short to suffer from regrets. I only want Cami to be free of Sulfur Heights and away from this hell.
I can feel the tear roll down my cheek and then it drips down onto hers. When Cami loses all composure and begins to sob, I release her hands and slowly travel my hands up the length of her arms until my palms are resting under her cheeks.
I suck in a deep breath and pull her lips up to mine. It’s a kiss that will have to last me a lifetime, so I put every feeling I’ve ever suppressed toward this beautifully brave woman and place it into this kiss. The familiar, electrifying feeling shoots through my body and charges my willpower to go on. I can spend a million years in prison, solely surviving on this kiss alone. I kiss her hard. I kiss her passionately. I kiss her for the very last time.
I then pull myself away and hold her head in my hands. She wants me to say something to her, something that’s true and from the real me, so I do. I let it spill out and don’t have any regrets. I want her to know before I leave what she really means to me. I stare into her eyes and bestow my feelings upon her. “I love you, Cami.” I kiss her one more time then whisper, “Good bye.”
With nothing left to say, I fall into my car, start the engine, and pull out of the driveway. I slam my foot down on the gas before I lose my courage. She stands still, watching me leave, and I burn this vision of Cami into my head with all the others. So many images will live in my memory now, and it’s those pictures that will get me through the hell that’s coming.
***
I can hear the pounding outside the garage door. Darcie is yelling, Mia is crying, and Reggie is arguing. I can hear all of them from the other side of the door, and I hear their horror as the DEA rips our house to shreds. This is it. This is my moment of truth.
You never forget moments that forever alter your life. For example, when my mother died, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief knowing the beatings would stop. Or the time when I found Darcie falling from Grady’s car, almost dead. And of course, the night I walked into the Rykers’ house and agreed to sell drugs. I recognize this as another one of those moments because it’s the moment I lose my family.
All the laughter, tears, fights, and celebrations will be gone the second I open the garage door. The realization will hit all my brothers and they will finally know I’m not the good one. I’m the evil one. The beast who’s betrayed their family.
I sit on the couch and listen to the chaos around me. In moments, they will be storming the garage and my secret will be exposed. I squeeze my hands into tight fists and ball them at my sides. Then I summon the beast, my alter ego, and I give in to the side of myself who’s capable of killing, hating, and destroying anything he touches. I think of Carter. I see his golden eyes tormenting Presley and hurting Cami. I think about Matt and the bullshit he wants me to go through for his own sick pleasure. It doesn’t take long for the anger to consume me and the hate I’ve suppressed the last several hours to come back in full swing.
I walk to the garage door and touch my hand to the metal opener. My fingers are shaking as I hesitate.
“Ahhh,” I growl into the air. “You’ve caused this, you stupid fuck,” I seethe out loud to myself as I flex my fists in and out of tight balls. “Don’t be a pussy! You have to face this.”
I release another deep breath and yank the garage door open. I’m in full, beastly mode, living my alter ego as I walk to my car and expose my secret. “There’s nothing in the house. Here’s what you’re looking for.” I toss the bag to the officers.
The DEA agents connect their eyes with mine and then bodies swarm. Two large fuckers push me against my car while others pat me down. The tightening pain of the handcuffs surrounds my wrists. I am blocking it all out. Every single second, I am drowning out the noise of the officers as they read me my Miranda rights and search the backpack.
I avoid him as much as possible, but when Drake flies at me, I see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. He screams, “What is this? You’re a fucking drug dealer?”
I don’t deny the words he’s speaking; I only look into Drake’s raging ocean and catalog it to my memory. It’s because of me that he’s in this agony, and I need to watch it so I can become his pain.
“Are you the other supplier? Were you the other dealer working with Carter?” He’s livid and angry. The police officers soon intervene, making a wall between us. “You asshole! You fucking killed her!” Drake pushes his way through the officers, trying to get his hands on me, but is soon stopped. Right now, I wish he could choke me, then I’d be free of my guilt. I’d give my life in a second to give him Presley back. “You goddamn fucking piece of shit!” he screams as handcuffs are securely wrapped around his wrists.
The clanking sound of Drake being tossed into the chain link fence connects with my ears as I am being dragged down the driveway. As I walk alongside my twin, I can hear Drake screaming, I can hear the pain that is now his.
“You fucking killed her!”
Jake tries to look at me, but I keep my eyes fixed ahead. I hold my chin up and walk away from my family home. With each step I take, I shed the old Jeremy—the child and beloved family member. With each step, I transform into the alter ego that will keep me alive for the next several years, however long that will be. My shoulders are back and my muscles are tight as I’m forced into the back of the police cruiser. I take that moment to glance out the window.
Standing in the shadows next to a huge oak tree is Cami. The
tears are streaming down her face as she touches her fingers to her lips and discreetly waves her hand. I nod my head up in her direction and mouth the words I had spoken hours ago. “I love you.”
The car then drives into the night as I leave my past behind and reluctantly move forward, into my future.
“Evans,” a large skinhead shouts from the opposite of the shower area. My back is to the wall as I stand under the stream of water, vigorously washing. Unbeknownst to me, the guards have conveniently vanished and I’ve been left alone with four men who want to hurt me or worse. My gut is alerting me to danger and my beast is ready to take lives if I need to. I’ve been keeping my back to the wall since walking into I-Max prison. With one year in, I’m going to have the battle of my life.
“We’re going to offer this to you one more time, Evans, are you in or not?” Klaus, the leader of the white supremacist gang, walks to my side of the shower. “This is your last chance, Evans. There will not be another one.”
I sense his threat and possibly my final days in prison. And frankly, at this point, I don’t care. From the moment I walked into I-Max, I’ve been defending myself one way of another. There has not gone a day where I’ve walked between the walls of this prison and not had a bruise from random fights. But it stops today. I can feel it. It will all stop today.
“Fuck you!” I shout back and ready my body for yet another bout of torture.
Since arriving, I’ve been stabbed, knocked unconscious, and in more fist fights than I can count. None of them are done in obvious ways and none of them are around prison authorities. I find it peculiar how the guards can disappear just as Klaus and his gang round the corner. This fucking prison is just as dirty as Sulfur Heights.
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