The endearing smile drops from her face. She is trying to figure out which brother he could be. I pull out my phone and show her a picture of Hunter. Then her brain finally connects the dots. “Jeremy? That’s Hunter’s dad? That explains his absence from your son’s life.”
“Yes, and he’s also the love of my life. I don’t really have time to explain our relationship because it’s anything but standard. However, I need your help.” I grab her hand and squeeze.
She looks down at our joined hands and back to me. Then she looks out to the parking lot, lost in thought. “Drake’s been really upset since Jeremy’s been back. He’s been drinking a lot and really short-tempered. I’m at a loss as to what to do.” I can tell she is trying to process my blast of reality, but she needs to know I desperately need her help.
“I know what may help them both.” I suck in a breath and say, “We need to get Jeremy and Drake together. They have to work out their problems. Or at least talk to one another. Neither one of them is going to move on until this conversation happens.”
“That’s not going to happen, Cami. There will be no talking involved. Drake is so angry with him that, the moment he sees Jeremy, Drake will turn into a raging inferno. I’ve never seen him like this.” Zoe lets go of my hand and looks out the window. “You don’t understand, these guys don’t talk, they fight. I’m afraid it will get out of hand and someone will get badly hurt or worse.”
“Don’t you want this to be over? I know you’ve probably been around for a little while and seen what the hatred is doing to Drake.” She nods her head and I continue, “That’s how it is for Jeremy. He cannot let go of anything in his past until he confronts his problem with Drake. We have the opportunity to help them. We need to make this happen, Zoe, or they will be suffering for the rest of their lives.”
While Zoe looks away from me and glares out the window, I don’t say anything. I let her contemplate what I’m asking her to do. It’s not easy, and what we do could backfire on us. However, we need to try. There isn’t anything more we can do except try.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Call Drake and get him over to the house. I’ll bring Jeremy over there, and hopefully, we can get all of this worked out, or at least get it started.”
Zoe nods her head and we exchange phone numbers. She then fires up her car and asks me directions to my house. When she pulls up to my driveway, Jeremy is parked behind my car. I can see the hood up and him working under it.
“Okay, I will talk to Jeremy and you talk to Drake. Call me if anything changes or if he won’t come.” Zoe nods and I exit the car.
Jeremy pops his head out and watches me walk up the driveway. He is looking questionably at me, but I ignore it, making my way up to my car.
“I’m almost finished with your starter. You’ll need to take it for a test drive later, though.” He looks back at what he’s working on and asks, “Who brought you home?”
I decide the best answer is the truth. I don’t hold back. “That was Zoe, your brother’s girlfriend.” Jeremy’s hand stops from installing the car part and he looks up at me. “It appears Hunter and Mia, your niece, attend the same daycare. Zoe’s been giving me rides from daycare to work for the last month or so, and it wasn’t until I saw a picture of Drake that I knew who she was.”
Jeremy only stands there. His brain is going a million miles per hour as he attempts to process what I’ve been saying. I let him think while he goes back to working on the starter.
I don’t say anything else until he breaks the silence. “I’m finished.” Jeremy slams the hood down and walks to the interior of my car. He turns the key and my Nissan finally runs again. I can’t help smiling, knowing I don’t have to take the stupid bus anymore. We don’t have to rush out in the morning so we can sit and wait for the bus to drive us to daycare then my work. I will be able to save so much time now that my car is fixed.
“Do you want to go for a test drive?” I ask, wanting to get him out of the house.
“Sure,” Jeremy says reluctantly and we both get into the car.
I drive down the street and smile. It’s been so long since I’ve driven I forgot how much I missed being able to get up and go.
“Do you remember me telling you I wanted to take you somewhere this morning?” Jeremy nods then looks over to me. “I want to take you someplace important to me, and I hope you find it just as important.”
He doesn’t say anything. I know he is trying to figure out what is going on right now, but there is only one place that will help provide him direction. It’s the only place where I can find solace when my life is going in one hundred different directions.
When I pull up to the curb just outside St. Francis Catholic Church and shut off the motor, Jeremy looks over to me. He’s doubting me. I hold his hand and look deeply at him. I want him to feel the presence of a higher being in our lives. I’m not asking him to convert or come with me to church; I simply want to show him it’s okay to have faith and believe in it.
“Come on,” I say as I open the door and walk to the passenger side. I pray Jeremy is open-minded enough to see what I’m trying to do.
As Cami pulls up to a church, her church I’m assuming, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. This is the last place a person like me needs to be. I am not a good person. I don’t even know if I have any kind of faith, and now is not the time for me to be discovering it. I’ve only accepted my path of forgiveness yesterday and realized I need to speak with Drake before I can be the man my son deserves, so this is too much. How am I supposed to walk hand in hand with God when I am cloaked in evil?
I look out the window as Cami gets out of her car. The building itself isn’t anything fancy. It’s a small, brick structure with a typical church look. There’s a small steeple, a rounded doorway, and stained glass windows. The stairs that lead you into the building are wide and a metal handrail divides it as it runs up the middle of the steps.
When I take a deep breath and open the car door, Cami is standing there, her hand immediately entwining with mine. But I cannot get my feet to move. They are stuck to the concrete.
I turn to Cami. “I can’t go in there.”
“Yes, you can, Jeremy. Please, just try.” She smiles at me and then we start to walk.
I hold onto the metal handrail as I ascend the stairs. With each step I take, I feel like my feet weigh more and more. We get to the top, just outside the large wooden door, and I stop. I can’t do this. I cannot go in there.
“This is wrong, Cami,” I say to her and turn my body to walk away. She snags my hand and pulls me back, though. “I can’t go in there, not with the things I’ve done.”
“You’re wrong, Jeremy. That’s why you need to go in there. You need to move forward with your life, and this is the best place to start. This is how you can seek forgiveness for any wrongdoings. It all starts here.” Cami opens the door to the church and guides me in.
I’m not sure what I’ve expected, but it’s empty. There is no one in the pews and the inside is just as plain as the outside. I guess I was thinking it would be more elaborate with tons of people praying, but it is the opposite. The cherry wood pews are lined up on either side of the center aisle. The dark maroon carpet covers the floor, which leads to the pulpit. Behind where the priest stands is a large crucifix fastened to the wall.
Cami guides me into the back of the room where several candles—some lit while others are not—rest on a platform. There is a smaller crucifix hanging by the candles and a picture of Mary holding out her hands. The sensation in my stomach is intense, making me feel like I’m going to puke. My chest is heavy and the weight of my horrors is finally having an impact on me.
After Cami pulls a long match from a box and strikes it, the end lights up and she selects a candle then lights the wick. She hands me the match and motions with her hand to do what she’s just done, so I do.
“Like this.” Cami keeps holding my hand as she kneels down on a vinyl covered be
nch, guiding me down beside her then letting go. She folds her hands and rests them on the table in front of her.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask, feeling very uncomfortable yet curious.
“I want to you to pray. Just talk to God and say anything you want.” Cami bows her head and starts moving her lips. Her eyes are squeezed shut as she pours her heart out in prayer.
I look at the crucifix fastened to the wall straight ahead of me. The wooden cross is the same dark finish as the other wood in the church and attached to it is a man. He’s pinned with stakes through his palms and gathered feet. He is wearing a white cloth over his waist and a crown of thorns rests on his head. I can feel the intensity of this image and what it may represent. I don’t really know the story of Jesus or what happened to him, but I know this very image has impact on me.
This is the very person whom I’m asking forgiveness from. If all of this is true, then I need to plead for everything I’ve ever done. I start to circle back to my past and think about the night I met Carter. I felt his snakelike being as he slinked from the shadows and came closer to me. He was evil personified, and if there is a God, then Carter was the spawn of Satan himself. He was a horrible person, yet I’m not any different. I took lives right alongside him. I went on drug runs, beat men up, and killed them if I needed to. What’s more, over time, I became even worse because I started enjoying it.
I had to establish my place with the Rykers and in prison. I had to do it to stay alive. I never intended to enjoy it. But then I began to justify it because everyone I was killing was linked to the underworld in one way or another. I lived and breathed this evil alter ego, and until weeks ago, I didn’t think I could ever shake him. I thought he would always control me. However, the night I drove my car on Old Miller’s Road, I knew I could control me, not my inner beast. He will always be a part of me, but I’m in control of me.
I fold my hands and mirror Cami’s stance. Then I start to speak in my mind. I’m not really sure what I’m doing, but I guess I’m trying to pray. Cami said this is the place I need to start if I’m going to seek forgiveness, so here I am. I’m not sure what to say except the only thing that’s weighing down my mind right now, which is my brother. I don’t want Drake’s forgiveness, God; I want him to have peace. He doesn’t have to forgive me and the roll I played in Presley’s murder. I only want him to be happy and smile again. Drake always had a great smile. He was such a happy kid. So, I guess, I’m asking you to make him that again.
And Cami. Look after her and Hunter. Don’t let the hate living in Sulfur Heights damage her more or destroy my son’s future. Watch over them and protect them. I love her—I love my entire family—and I only want their happiness. I don’t need to be happy as long as they are okay; that’s all I ask for.
“And if I have to die tomorrow for this prayer to be granted, so be it. I’d gladly give my life for them—for all of them.” I let out a big breath and look back to Cami. She is still kneeling beside me. Her lips are still moving in her own silent entreaty.
So I continue to silently speak in prayer, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done in my life. I was angry and lost. All I wanted to do was help, and I guess I got lost along the way.
I open my eyes and turn my head. Cami is looking at me with tears in her eyes and a smile across her face. She holds my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “I’m proud of you, Jeremy.”
I lean over and kiss her on the lips. She’s only doing what she feels is best for me. I’m not sure I can fully say I’m converted, but I do relate to the significance of this. It’s better believing in something than to walk this earth not really having faith in anything. I get it now, and if my only faith is in Cami or my family, that is okay with me because these people are worth believing in. They have strength when others are weak, and I need them in my life.
I have to restore that faith we once had in each other. I need to apologize to the one person who’s still suffering from my actions. I need to reclaim the relationship I once had with Drake. I need to explain myself to all my brothers and let them understand the true story.
I pull Cami up off the bench. As I race out the door, I explain to her what I need to do. Then we storm over to Cami’s car and quickly get in. Once we’re on the road, we drive in the direction of my childhood home where my future lays in the hands of my very angry, younger brother.
We pull into the driveway of my childhood home. I haven’t stepped foot on the property since my arrest. The last time I saw this place, the DEA was wreaking havoc through the house, ripping our possessions from their designated places and tossing them onto the floor. The police officers were everywhere while all of my brothers were in handcuffs.
I can easily recall the gutting look Drake gave me when he realized I had been working with Carter for all those years and that he held me responsible for Presley’s death. Now is my time to explain myself, and hopefully, gain back a small portion of the life I had before I fucked it all up.
Cami looks to her phone and says, “Drake is on his way here and so are your brothers.”
Good. I want them all here so I can end this shit once and for all. I’m tired of ducking and dodging. I’m tired of being the outcast. I’m simply tired of all the hate. I just want this to be over with. I cannot control what Drake will do, but as long as I speak my peace and offer my condolences, then I’ve done what I could.
Drake’s Chevelle comes barreling up the driveway. He turns the wheel over and speeds dangerously close to me. Next to him is the girl I can only assume is Zoe, the girl who’s been in his life lately. Next, Reggie and Darcie pull into the driveway followed by Jake and Delilah. When everyone exits their vehicles, we stand in a circle, the eight of us. Beside my brothers and myself are the women we’ve fallen victim to. Perhaps they are the strength among us Evans brothers. We all have the physical power, but they are the ones who have the ability to catch us when we fall then have the strength to pick us back up again.
I can feel the anger coming off Drake. It’s the first time our eyes have met since the night I was arrested and the sight inside them has not changed. He’s still furious and hurt, his black eyes mirroring all the hate I once possessed toward the underworld. Before I can shed it, the old, familiar beast awakens inside of me. Although I’d like to do this without erupting into an all-out war, I know I will have to keep my temper under control if this comes to blows with Drake. I can only hope it doesn’t.
“Girls, why don’t you go inside and let us talk?” No one budges, though Darcie snaps her glare to him, which he ignores.
“We are all a part of this, Reggie,” Drake says then looks directly at me. “I think it’s important for him to see every single person standing here has been fucked over by him.”
I say nothing because it’s true. I have singlehandedly hurt everyone here, even the girl I don’t know because I’m sure it hasn’t been easy dealing with the aftermath of Drake’s tragedy. Therefore, I keep my eyes focused on Drake, waiting for him to make the first move, even though I know it needs to be me doing it.
As Cami threads her fingers through mine, it’s through her touch I get the strength to open my mouth to say something to my brother. “Drake,” my heart is pumping so hard in my chest I’m certain it’s going to break through my ribs and fall onto the ground, “I know how you feel about me, but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
“Fuck. You,” is all he can say.
He makes his way over to me, closing the gap between our bodies. Up close, I can see the changes in him even more. Drake’s harder, bigger, frame makes it look like he’s been lifting weights for the last four years. His eyes are angry and black. When he gets closer, I can feel the hate he harbors towards me. The utter disgust radiates off him.
“You’re a worthless piece of shit, and I have been waiting for this day for a long time,” Drake seethes then cracks his knuckles.
I release Cami’s hand and pull her behind me. I roll my shoulders back and straighten my stan
ce. My back is poised and my fists ball into hard rocks. I can feel him pacing, the beast is moving around and wanting to destroy my brother. I do what I can to keep him inside, though. I don’t want to hurt my brother, but I’m not sure if I can stand here and let him wail on me. I’m not made up that way. I’ve never backed down before.
When Drake slams his palms into my chest, I rock back on my heels. Then he comes after me like a madman. He jacks his arm back and connects it with my gut. I tighten my abs, but the blow still hurts immensely. I will not hit him. I will not hit him. I will not hit him. I chant over and over in my brain. I have to hold the beast inside of me. I cannot unleash him because, once the red is in my line of sight, there is no stopping me.
I look up to see Reggie and Jake standing behind Drake, trying to hold him back while he wildly swings his fists. “Let me go!” he screams into the air.
Reggie and Jake look at each other and silently communicate. They know this is how it has to happen. They have to release him and we have to fight. The Evans don’t know any other way. We settle everything with our fists; it’s how we’ve always done it.
As Reggie and Jake’s arms break free from Drake’s body, he comes charging toward me just as Cami steps to the side. Fuck! She tries to protect me by standing in front of Drake, but he pushes her aside without another thought. Cami falls to the ground hard and hits her head on the concrete. She then balls herself in the fetal position as she cradles her head. Zoe and Delilah kneel down to check on her, however it’s that very moment that becomes my undoing.
Like the Clash of the Titans, I charge Drake as he continues for me. The beast is finally unleashed, and he’s here to claim more lives. I dip my shoulder down and hit Drake in his midsection, wrapping my arms around his waist. I flip him up and over so he lands on his back while I follow him down to the concrete.
I turn position myself over him while my fists come alive as I start to slam them into his gut. My arm is pounding out all the pain, hate, and everything that I despise on my brother’s gut.
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