“Someone you met since you’ve been home?”
There was a tiny crack in my armor. A small sliver. I wondered if Dr. Falcon detected it today. Somehow the woman got me talking.
“It’s Sophie,” I admitted.
She waited quietly. She didn’t need to toss me a follow up question.
“Sophie’s my ex-girlfriend.” I ran my palms over my knees and cleared my throat. “My only girlfriend, really. So it’s good. Good to hang out with her again.”
“How long ago were you a couple?”
“Four years.”
Dr. Falcon nodded. I waited for her to jot the answer down, but she didn’t.
“And what’s it like seeing Sophie again?”
“What’s it like?” I exhaled. “The same. Completely different.” I stretched my legs and rose from the couch. Her eyes followed me. “It’s Sophie. She’s—”
“Important?”
“More important than hockey.”
She scribbled something in the notebook. “What happened? Why did you two break up?”
I rubbed the back of my head. “It’s complicated.”
She nodded. “We can talk about it another time. Have you and Sophie talked about it? The breakup?”
“Not much.” I studied the wall of books that lined one side of Dr. Falcon’s office. They were mainly psychology and counseling hardbacks. I didn’t recognize any titles.
“Do you talk to her about other things?”
“I used to talk to her about everything.” I turned to face her.
“Do you think you’ll get back to that place with her?”
I rubbed the side of my face. I still wasn’t used to the beard being gone. “I don’t know. I think I want to.”
She leaned on her knees. “What would you need to do to make that happen for you and Sophie? What needs to be said to get you back there?”
My eyes flashed. “I need to tell her the truth.”
* * *
There was only one picture of my father on display in the house. Who could blame my mom? They were divorced when we immigrated. But she had framed it and placed it on the library table for me, along with a mismatched collection of frames with pictures of grandparents, cousins, and my hockey photos.
For some reason, I picked it up today after my session with Dr. Falcon. I held it between my hands and stared at the man staring back at me. When I was growing up in Russia, I’d heard family tell me I looked like him. As soon as we moved to the States, it was never mentioned again. He had dark hair, and I remembered his blue eyes, but I couldn’t make out my face in his. I was nothing like him.
Did my mother see the resemblance when she talked to me? Did I do things that reminded her of him? Now that he was dead, did she care?
I placed the silver frame on the table and headed to the garage. I wanted to get the grass mowed.
I sweated through two hours of push-mower work. I had chosen the hottest part of the day to cut the grass. By the time I reached the backyard, I had sweated through my T-shirt and draped it over the deck railing to dry in the sun. I wiped down the machine and stored it in the garage when I was finished and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I twisted off the cap and lounged outside in the shade over the hammock. Swing. Swing. Swish.
And I was asleep.
* * *
The tears were everywhere. On her cheeks. On her shirt. The end of her fingertips.
I turned away. I didn’t want to see anymore. I didn’t want to hear the way her voice cracked or the way her hands trembled.
“How can this be happening?” she breathed.
“It just is.”
“No.” She sniffed. “I don’t accept it. I won’t accept a half-assed answer like that from you.”
She walked behind, using her weight to push me to face her. It was a reluctant turn, but I pivoted.
“Tell me what’s going on with you,” she begged.
“It’s exactly what I told you. I’m being traded to another team. It’s time, Soph. It’s time that we move on.”
“Move on?” Her eyes narrowed despite the flow of tears. “I just signed the loan on the building. The building you told me to buy. The one I just sank every cent into and leveraged my car and inheritance I got from my grandparents. The business we were going to build together.”
I huffed. “What business, Sophie? Huh? We don’t have a business. I’m a hockey player and you’re a…” I didn’t know how to fill in the blank.
“You’re being an asshole. Just tell me why. Tell me why you’re saying this insane shit.”
“Because I don’t want this,” I growled at her. “I’m not some Penny Hill townie. I don’t give a shit about revitalizing downtown with your cute mom-and-pop store. I don’t give a shit about having kids and getting married.”
Her mouth hung open. “You said you did. You said you wanted all of that with me. In Penny Hill.”
“I said a lot of shit to get in your pants in college.”
She reached up to slap me across the face, but my reflexes were trained. I had her wrist in my hand before she realized it.
“Let go,” she hissed. “This isn’t you.”
“It is.” I pressed my lips together. I released her wrist and took a giant step backward.
Her eyes widened. “Do you have any idea what I’ve sacrificed for you?”
“I thought you said we should never keep score.”
“That was before you turned into this version of a dick.” She placed her hands on her hips. “Ice time. Practices. Games. Travel. I have a freaking closet full of clothes just to wear to the ice because of you. I buy all your team colors and gear. And my father.” Her lips curled. “I defended you against him. I dropped out of business school for you, against his wishes. I bought this building when he told me not to. For you!” she screamed.
“All your decisions.”
“My decisions?” She whirled toward me, and I thought she was going to beat my chest with her fists. “We have a realtor, Roman. Maude is combing through listings right now to find a house for us. Our house. Where you said we’d have babies. Lots and lots of babies.”
“We aren’t married,” I growled, giving her back the same kind of attitude I was getting.
Her eyes fell to the empty ring finger on her left hand. “Roman, you’re not whoever this is.” Her voice quieted. Maybe I had weakened the fight in her. “You love me. I know you do. A minor-league hockey team doesn’t make all this vanish. Not us. Not the future we’ve built.”
I huffed. “What future?”
She crumpled to the floor. “We agreed we’d commute to wherever you were traded. Penny Hill would remain home base. We agreed.”
“Did we?” I stepped around her.
“You’re leaving?” Her eyes brimmed with more tears.
“I can’t stay here.”
“Roman, don’t do this. I swear, I’ll never watch you play again. I’ll never get on the ice with you. If you leave, I’ll never follow your team or cheer for you again. Never. I’ll erase hockey.”
I blinked and shrugged.
She sniffed. “My God, say something,” she pleaded. “Say anything to make me understand.”
I paused at the door. The love of my life was a crying mess on the floor. The other half of my soul torn from me. The woman I had pledged myself to, shattered at my feet. And I had to remain as cold as ice.
“I think I know how to make it clear.”
There was a wisp of hope that appeared in her eyes. I was about to drown it with darkness.
“The thing is, Soph, I don’t think it was ever love.” I closed the door and walked down the stairs. Something smashed against the door, but I kept going. Because if I didn’t…
I ducked into the car parked along the curb. The engine was running.
“Is it over?” he asked.
I nodded, refusing to look out the window. The driver edged us into traffic.
“Good.” He patted my knee. “There are some things, so
n, I’ll never be able to teach you, but if you learn nothing else from your father, at least understand this.” I waited for him to finish while I fought the nausea and pain tearing through my insides. “Family is everything. But get too attached to anyone and your weaknesses will rot you like a cancer. Never forget family comes first.”
Sophie was my family. Past tense.
“Does Mom know you’re here?” I asked. All words felt bitter on my tongue now.
He shook his head. “Better she doesn’t. I’m flying home tonight. No time for a proper reunion.”
“I won’t tell her.” It was more of a threat than an agreement to keep his secret. There was a reason she fled Russia with me when I was ten. I couldn’t spare Sophie, but I could at least protect my mom.
“Next time,” he mused.
There never was a next time. He never flew back to the States.
Something began to rock, and I felt my head spin and land with a sudden thwack.
“Fuck,” I groaned, grabbing my temple. It throbbed.
I was on the ground under the hammock. The beer bottle had rolled into the freshly cut grass.
I’d had the nightmare before. It was happening more and more lately, appearing closer together, one night after another. The worst part about it was that it wasn’t a fucking dream. It was a memory.
17
Sophie
I was stepping far out of my comfort zone. It had been over two weeks since our first date of Phase Two—the only label I could come up with for whatever Roman and I were doing together now. It wasn’t a relationship, but it wasn’t not one. I didn’t know how two people who had the kind of history we did kept things light. But maybe we were the exception to the rule. We could make up a new kind of relationship where exes had hot sex, avoided heavy topics, and wrapped each other in the blissful parts of nostalgia.
Lee was my secret support system. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else Roman and I were seeing each other. Spending nights together. Practically every night since our Sombreros date. Had we fallen into an old pattern, or were we making a new one?
“Did he say when he has to go back to the team?” Lee asked.
I shook my head. “I haven’t asked.”
There was a large bowl of bacon mac and cheese on the coffee table. We were armed with forks and taking bites between sips of cold wine. It was a Wednesday date we had set a few years ago. Tonight, we gathered at Lee’s apartment. She rented the studio above her boss’s sister’s garage. I was glad I didn’t have to clean my apartment. Roman had made it more difficult than usual to keep it tidy. I hadn’t gone for a run in three days. I’d missed a FaceTime with my dad. I wasn’t balanced.
“Are you going to?” she pressed.
I blew on the hot bite of cheese. “Yes. Eventually. But we’re keeping it light.”
“Just fucking, then?” she teased.
I felt the heat rush to my cheeks. “I think we have an understanding.”
“You think or you know?”
“Am I on the stand?” I squirmed on the couch.
“Sorry. Billy’s been using me for witness prep. That’s all I’ve done all week. I’m not trying to grill you. I just want to know what’s happening with you and Roman.”
“The sex is good. Really good.”
She laughed. “Can’t blame a girl for wanting the good sex to last as long as possible.”
“He is going to leave. He’s going back to the Dires for training camp.” In the back of my head I knew that date was already one month closer than when I had run into him on his first day in town.
“Mmhm.” Her mouth was full.
“I have no expectations.”
“Right.” Lee nodded. “None?”
I placed the fork on a napkin and looked at my friend. “I want to know when he leaves this time that I was part of that decision.” My voice took a turn toward the serious. “I’m not going to be left a crying mess on the floor. He doesn’t have that kind of hold over me anymore.”
“What if it’s a new hold? Something different this time?”
I snatched up the fork quickly and shoveled in more bacon than cheese. It wasn’t a question I could answer. Lee smiled. “It’s all right. I’m here for you. I hope you’re having fun.” She pointed the remote at the TV and searched Netflix for a movie we could watch.
* * *
Roman convinced me I needed a day off from work. An entire day. And he wanted it to start the night before so we would have a complete twenty-four hours to do anything we wanted. That meant a morning to sleep in in his arms.
Russell stared at me.
“Are you sure you don’t have any problem opening and closing the store?”
“Boss, I can do it. You need me, don’t you?” The way he asked made my skin crawl.
I saw the grease stains beneath his nails. Sometimes I worried he’d smudge the books, but I never said anything to him about it. I was worried what his response would be.
“Okay. But you can call me if something happens.”
He folded his hands behind his back. “Like what?”
“I don’t know. A break-in, or an angry customer.”
“Where are you going?” he asked.
It wasn’t any of his business. “I have plans. A break. That’s all.” I tried to smile, but he was staring.
“You’re seeing that hockey player again.”
My mouth gaped. “How do you know about that?”
I never discussed my personal life with Russell. I tried not to discuss anything with him. Once, I had asked him why my car was making a putt-putt sound, but he'd discovered there was water in the gas tank. I'd caught him inspecting my car for a week, making laps around it after he drained and refilled the tank. It was the last time I told him something about my life.
“I think it’s public knowledge, isn’t it?” There was nothing playful in the way he delivered the explanation.
“No. No, it’s not.”
“I thought it was.”
I was angry, frustrated. If it was anything other than an overnight date with Roman, I’d reconsider leaving the shop in Russell’s hands. It was almost five o’clock.
“Well, if you think you’re okay…”
“Fine. Just take care of yourself. You don’t know what some men are capable of.”
“What? What does that even…never mind. I’m going to enjoy our mini-holiday.” I wanted to get out of there. I had to come to grips with how to deal with Russell soon.
I blinked, tossing my apron behind the counter and tucking my phone in my back pocket. I didn’t have a response. I darted out of the Golden Page and made sure all the locks to my apartment were triple checked before I left to meet Roman in the parking lot out back.
I sighed. God, he was gorgeous. His blue eyes sparkled. I jogged down the stairs.
“Wait. Where’s your mom’s car?” I questioned the Jeep he led me toward.
“I didn’t want to go out of town and leave Mom stranded.” He folded his arms around me, and I inhaled his rich, masculine scent.
“Out of town? I thought this was a date.”
“It is a date. An out-of-town date.”
I bit my lip. That meant packing, and that could take another hour at least. I wasn’t sure how much laundry I would have to sort through to find a few decent outfits.
“Do you want to come up while I pack?” I asked.
He laughed. His entire chest rumbled. “I have your bag already.”
“What? How?”
He winked. “I did some shopping.”
I gasped. “New clothes? Are you serious?”
He nodded. “Want to see?”
“Yes!” I was like a puppy on his heels as he unzipped the weekender bag. I rifled through a few tops, and my fingers landed on a few lacy garments.
“For later,” he explained.
“Of course.” I approved of the makeup bag, too. He had thought of everything, including shampoo, contact solution, and a hairbrush. “Where are
we going?”
He held open the door for me. “Don’t you want another surprise?”
I’d waited a long time for an offer like this. “I’ll take the surprise. If you think it’s that good,” I teased.
“Ohh, the lady has challenged me.” He hopped around to the driver’s side and started the engine. It growled louder than the Buick ever had. “It’s that good.” He pushed his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose.
I threw my head back, and Roman shifted the Jeep into reverse. I reached for the seatbelt, and as I glanced over my shoulder, I thought I saw a shadow in the window watching us drive away.
* * *
The Jeep climbed higher and higher in the Virginia mountains. It was late, but the summer sun was still setting, lazy as everyone else in the heat.
By now, I had an idea of where Roman was taking me. I tried to tell myself to lower the expectations. To not fall too hard for the expensive clothes or the overnight trip. I was in this to mend my heart. Have fun. Bask in the sex and finally get closure. Because at the end of the summer, Roman would go back to the Dires, and I had the Golden Page.
As the resort came into view, I tipped forward in my seat. It looked like a palace climbing out of the mountain. There were tall and short turrets dotted with spindles, pricking the sky.
“This is it?” I had to bite my lip so I didn’t squeal. “We’re at the Pembroke Resort?
“Thought we could try it out.” His hand roamed from the drive shaft to my knee.
He gave his name at the gate. There was a flash of recognition from the security officer, who pressed a button and waved us through the iron posts. I tried to take in every inch as Roman pulled forward.
“This place is five-star,” I whispered. “How did you get a reservation for one night?” If I stepped out of the Jeep, would the staff know I was out of place? More Jane Eyre than Anna Karenina. More Jo March than Daisy Buchanan.
Roman chuckled. “It seems even the Pembroke’s staff know who NHL players are.”
“Oh.” I nodded. This was my first time experiencing the outside world knowing Roman Sorrow. Sure, he'd had a small collection of groupies in college. Women would hang outside the locker rooms after games. But girls looking to get laid by hot athletes wasn’t anywhere on the same page as walking into a resort and realizing everyone recognized who he was. Heads turned, and it wasn’t just because he was sex-on-a-stick.
Cold As Puck: A Cold Love Series Novel Page 9