by Diana Palmer
“As if Mr. Johnson could fire one of his employers.”
“I’ll only have forty-nine percent ownership,” Amanda said wearily. “Josh keeps control. He’s afraid I might want to help Brad pay off his gambling debts.”
“What gambling debts?”
Amanda told her. “They’ve threatened him. Josh is jealous of Brad. He doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want Brad to get me, if you see what I mean,” she said bitterly.
“Curiouser and curiouser,” Mirri murmured.
“Isn’t it, though?” Amanda’s eyes flashed.
“Are you going to help Brad?”
“I can’t, unless I want to marry him,” she replied. “And I don’t. The poor old soul will have to do what he can for himself. I don’t know if Josh is right or wrong about making Brad stand on his own two feet. But I can’t bail him out, and Josh won’t. He’s on his own.”
“Poor old Brad.”
“Yes.” Amanda nodded.
She reported in at the office, but Mr. Johnson was staring at Dora as if she were the beginning of life, and she wasn’t sure that he’d even missed her.
After going over the books just briefly, to make sure she hadn’t missed anything damaging in her absence, like making out payroll checks or leaving deposits undeposited, she eased into the printing office and discussed another few quick changes with Tim while Ward Johnson was occupied.
Several lonely days later, she went into San Antonio on her lunch hour to see Brad. She was still fuming because he hadn’t phoned in all the time she’d been back to ask how his brother was.
He ushered her into his office and seated her, smiling personably. “I phoned Ted yesterday,” he confessed, irritated by her impatience with his behavior. “But I knew Josh would be all right,” he said when she confirmed it. “He’s indestructible.”
“It’s nice to know that you’re so devoted to the only brother you have,” she replied with quiet sarcasm.
He lifted a careless eyebrow as he dropped onto the big leather chair behind the desk. He was smarting over Amanda’s studied rejection of him. Big brother always got the choicest tidbits. He even had Amanda in his pocket. The old competition that had always simmered between him and Josh boiled over.
“Brother Josh has been taking care of himself for years. He doesn’t like people to see his weaknesses. Or didn’t you find that out when you went rushing down to the cay?” he added bitterly.
“If you mean did he throw me off the island once he was sober again, of course he did,” she replied. “I know he doesn’t like people seeing him when he’s vulnerable. But better that than finding him dead.”
“He wouldn’t commit suicide,” Brad said, but he didn’t sound quite sure.
“Ted and I weren’t quite that positive,” she replied without giving away anything about Josh’s reasons for being drunk. She knew that Ted wouldn’t have, either. It was up to Josh to tell Brad what he wanted him to know.
She half expected Brad to ask her what was wrong with Josh, but he didn’t. He smiled at her, and his brown eyes twinkled warmly. “Did you miss me?” he asked with a sensual chuckle. “Are you dying of unrequited love yet?”
“You know better than that,” she replied, laughing.
He swung his chair back to face her. His eyes were full of unholy glee at his own predicament. “Marc’s going to kill me because I haven’t paid my gambling debts, and Josh has thrown me to the wolves. You won’t give me the time of day.” He shook his head. “I think I’ll go dive off the roof.”
Amanda wondered about his remark that she wouldn’t give him the time of day. “You might at least call Josh and talk to him.”
He got up from his chair with cold anger. “He takes it all,” he said without choosing his words. “He gets everything. It’s always been that way!”
“If he does, it’s because he works at his life,” Amanda said defensively. “You’re good at your job, but you don’t take your work seriously—it, or life. You go from woman to woman, playing at love, and squander your money as fast as you earn it. Then you get mad because Josh won’t bail you out. You want it all, Brad, but you want it handed to you. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“You sound very knowledgeable.”
“I’m learning that the way you get things is to fight for them. If they’re important to you.” She got to her feet elegantly. “I’ve been walked on most of my life until just recently. I got tired of being on the receiving end and settling for handouts. What I want I’ll get for myself from now on.”
“You won’t get Josh,” he said mockingly. “He won’t marry you.”
She forced a smile, to show him that he hadn’t hit the target he was aiming for. “I know that.”
“He won’t love you, either! You’re just another woman in a line of women who’ve slept with him!”
“I have not slept with your brother!” she raged. “But for your information, he was the reluctant one, not me!”
He glared at her, furious at her admission that she wanted Josh even while he was oddly relieved that she hadn’t slept with him.
“He’s got Terri,” he rasped. “Why would he want you?”
She lifted her head proudly. “Terri is married, and she hasn’t been to the cay.”
“Is that what he told you?” he asked with a harsh laugh. “Amanda, how can you be so gullible?”
She was sure he was lying. He had to be! But then he’d seen Terri in Jamaica and he hadn’t told her. She’d found out from Brad. Couldn’t he be keeping other secrets about her as well? “Why do you keep trying to turn me against Josh?” she asked impatiently.
“Don’t you know?”
He moved forward, catching her in his arms. He bent and kissed her, holding her roughly when she would have drawn back. With all his expertise he tried to win a response from her, but she only stood quietly in his arms, neither responding nor protesting. He groaned and forced himself to be gentle, to woo instead of demand.
Amanda adored him, but not like this. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings any more than she’d already done. There was no one but Josh for her. All the same, thoughts of Terri and Josh’s refusal to enter into any kind of a relationship with her claimed her mind. Perhaps Brad wouldn’t be such a bad choice. Once he cured his gambling fever...and he had admirable traits. He was kind and generous, and no one underestimated his ability to stand his ground in a fight.
She hesitated, not fighting him, while those thoughts chased each other around her mind. She put her hands on his shoulders, and for an instant her lips softened.
The door opened silently, and the man standing outside it, who had started to speak, closed his mouth at the sight that met his dark eyes. Brad, with Amanda. He felt sick to his soul. With a black scowl, unseen, he closed the door as gently as he’d opened it, turned on his heel, and walked past the openmouthed secretary without saying a single word.
Back in the office, Brad stood, breathing roughly, his emotions in turmoil. Amanda had gently pushed away from him and moved back.
“I’m sorry, but no,” she said, lifting her hands protectively when he started toward her again. She felt miserable that he wanted something she couldn’t give him.
Her expression told him everything. He almost hated her at that instant for the weakness she’d kindled in him. She felt nothing when he kissed her. Nothing!
“I even look like him,” he said tersely. “But it isn’t enough, is it?”
“I love him, Brad,” she said, more gently than she’d meant to. She’d tried not to notice how much he cared about her. Too much, and in the wrong way. “I’ve always loved Josh. I’m sorry.”
He winced and turned away, as if he couldn’t bear the sight of her a second longer. “What now, Amanda?”
She stared at him, stunned. It was incredible, that vulnerability in a man who used women like toys.
He’d kissed her with real feeling, not with base passion. But she couldn’t give what she couldn’t feel.
“I’m so sorry,” she said helplessly.
His back stiffened. “Yes. So am I,” he told her. He didn’t look at her. He rammed his hands into his pockets and stared at his desk. His eyes closed. “I love you, Amanda.”
She didn’t know what to say. She’d never felt so helpless or guilty, and she’d really done nothing deliberately to hurt him. He was upset and confused, and when he came to his senses he’d more than likely realize that he was emotionally scattered. But that wouldn’t help him right now. They’d been friends for a long time. She hated hurting him, even when he was doing his best to hurt her.
“Brad...”
“Leave it. You can’t help what you feel for Josh.” He turned, smiling mockingly. “We’re both trapped.”
She managed a faint smile in response. “I suppose.” She searched his eyes. “What are you going to do?”
“I had my attorney check those stocks I told you about, that I inherited. It seems that they aren’t worthless. They won’t bring in much money, but they’re worth enough to make a down payment on what I owe Donner. So I’m going to fly out to Vegas and work out a payment schedule,” he said with a shrug. “Afterward, I suppose I’ll have to learn to work harder for a living, because I’m out of allowance and Josh won’t let me borrow. When I get back,” he said heavily, “I’ll get help. He was right about that, too.” He smiled. “What do you think?”
“I think I’m proud of you.”
He looked embarrassed, but he smiled lazily, back in character.
“If you’d ever given your brother the chance, he’d have been just as caring about you,” she told him. “You’ve threatened and begged and hounded him, but you’ve never really put out a hand and asked him to help.”
“I shouldn’t have to. Damn it, he’s my brother!”
“But not your keeper,” she added. “You don’t help people stand alone by giving them crutches.”
He shifted, leaning back against his desk. He felt older. He looked at Amanda and felt deprived. Alone. He managed a smile. “You look pretty frazzled.”
Her slim shoulders lifted and fell. “I’m lusting after your big brother, and he won’t let me within ten feet of him,” she said with a self-mocking smile. “How’s that for irony?”
“You could always seduce him,” he said.
She shook her head. “He’s set traps all around the bed. It’s just as well. There wouldn’t be enough room for Terri and me both in it.”
He hesitated. He almost told her that he’d lied, that Terri was deliriously happy with her Greek husband and she was even pregnant. But hope died hard, and he couldn’t help thinking that Amanda might one day turn to him if his brother kept her at bay.
“If you ever need a shoulder, here it is,” he said softly, patting it.
She smiled for him. “Thanks, Brad. I do care about you, you know,” she added.
“I know.”
She picked up her purse and started toward the door. As she turned, she was surprised to see a pained, bleak look on his handsome features. “Ain’t life terrible?” she drawled.
“It is that. Don’t walk under any taxicabs.”
“Don’t jump off any roofs.”
He smiled and opened the door for her. “Not today, at least,” he agreed. “I’ve got a few things to do.”
She nodded. Impulsively she reached up and kissed his darkly tanned cheek, feeling him stiffen at the contact. “You’ll make it,” she whispered. “I have confidence in you.”
He flushed. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
She smiled and left him standing there, nodding at the receptionist.
“Mr. Lawson?” the receptionist said hesitantly.
Brad had been in thought. He turned, his eyebrows lifted. “Yes?”
“I, uh, didn’t like to tell you in front of Miss Todd, but your brother was here about five minutes ago.”
He felt pale. “Josh was?”
“Yes, sir. He opened the door and looked in and closed it. He left in a rather angry rush.”
“Check and see if he’s in his office,” he said quickly, knowing all too well what Josh had seen.
The receptionist buzzed his office and asked, but Josh’s secretary said that he’d gone to the airport. He’d moved up his flight for his business trip to Europe.
“I see,” Brad murmured. He went back into his office, deep in thought. Josh had gone off without a fight. Leaving him a clear field with Amanda? He smiled to himself. Well, here was an opportunity he wasn’t about to waste! He’d take care of his gambling debt, then he’d take care of Amanda.
* * *
JOSH WAS ONBOARD a jet headed for New York, where he was to catch the Concorde for Paris. He hadn’t planned to leave this early or without saying goodbye to anyone, but when he’d seen Brad kissing Amanda, he knew he didn’t dare stay in the building a minute longer. In all his life he’d never known such murderous rage.
What made it worse was that Amanda hadn’t been resisting. She’d been standing docilely in Brad’s embrace, without a single protest.
He’d wanted to knock the door down and rage at them both, at the top of his lungs. But that would accomplish nothing. If Amanda wanted Brad, how could he say anything? Despite his threats, he had no right to decide Amanda’s future for her.
Brad did care for her, and he could give her children. The thought made him sick. He stared blindly out the window, knowing that a child would give Amanda a kind of fulfillment he could never offer her. He’d just done the only decent thing he could do: he’d left, giving Brad a free hand, an open field. If Amanda wanted his brother, she had every right to decide that for herself, without any pressure from him.
He remembered so well how her body had felt in his arms that last time, how sweet it had been to have those soft cries of passion from her, to be the first to touch her innocent body. He’d have that, and the memory of her compassion and tenderness, until he died. Perhaps he could live on it, if he tried.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
IT WAS LATE, and Nelson Stuart was just bringing Mirri home from the theater. He’d dressed for the occasion, as had she. But this time her simple black dress had been very conservative. She dressed to please the man in her life, without guile or flair. She wore a conventional amount of makeup and perfume as well. The way Nelson responded to her was all the reward she needed. He looked at her as if she were his whole world. Day by day his barriers fell, his closeness to her grew. She wondered sometimes if he’d ever have said a word to her if she hadn’t blatantly invited him over for supper that night. Now she wished she’d thought of it sooner.
“You’re grinning,” he teased as he walked her to her door. “Why?”
“I was wishing I’d made supper for you two years ago,” she confessed.
He took her hand in his and held it gently. “So do I. I feel bad about the way things happened with us,” he said, his dark eyes apologetic. “I’d do it differently, if I could start over.”
“We’re doing very well as we are,” she replied. She reached up on tiptoe and touched her lips to his.
He drew back at once, softening the rejection with a smile. “Not too much of that, if you please,” he murmured dryly. “I have my reputation to consider.”
“Bosh! You and your reputation are maddening,” she muttered. “You never kiss me.”
He cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later on. Right now, it’s important that we get to know each other as people.”
“Maybe so, but you could still kiss me,” she reminded him. “I’m not untouchable.”
His big, lean hand brushed her hair gently. “Mirri, you had a hard time of it. I don’t want to rush you. The way we’re going, it looks like we�
��ll have years and years together to learn each other in bed. I want you to be certain before you take that last step with me.”
She started to argue, but, as usual, he stopped her with a light, brushing kiss.
“Good night,” he said, and smiled. “See you at work day after tomorrow.”
“Aren’t you going to church with me in the morning?”
“I wish I could,” he said, and meant it. “But I’ve got to fly out to New Orleans first thing in the morning to meet with one of our special agents. It’s an unusual situation. I can’t talk about it.”
“I understand,” she said sadly. “I’ll see you Monday, then.”
“Work isn’t more important than you are to me,” he said unexpectedly, his stare level. “This is the last time I’ll do any work after hours, for anyone. You’ll come first, with me.”
She actually blushed. “I didn’t ask you...” she whispered.
“Should you have to?” he replied. “I...” He cleared his throat. “I care about you,” he said quickly, and averted his eyes.
She cared about him, too. She loved him half to death. She wanted to tell him, but he was looking at his watch and muttering, as he did sometimes.
“I have to go. Lock up after I leave, and don’t go out at night by yourself,” he said firmly.
“You, too,” she returned just as firmly. “Men can get knocked over the head, too.”
He chuckled. “I know that. I work for the FBI.”
“Do you, really?” she asked, grinning up at him. “What a coincidence.”
He tweaked her nose and winked before he left her standing there. She went in and closed the door, but she watched him out the curtains until he drove out of sight.
He loved her. She was certain of it. But as time passed, he was just as distant from her physically, even as they shared meals and television programs, movies and theaters and concerts. He wouldn’t let her within arm’s length. Finally she decided that any progress was going to be up to her. She debated her next move carefully, weighing all the consequences. It would be a big step for her, with her memories. But she felt whole and reborn and ready for a full life. So she began to plot Nelson Stuart’s downfall.