by Diana Palmer
“A very rare instance,” he replied drowsily. “And one that certainly didn’t apply to us. We should have had a long, and intimate, talk before I initiated you.”
She hit him. “It wasn’t initiation.”
“What was it?” he asked, levering up on his elbow.
She touched his face with fingers that worshiped it. “We made love.”
He nodded slowly. “We did indeed, Amanda.”
Her fingertip touched his broad mouth, lingered on his full lower lip. “You never said that you love me,” she whispered.
“And you think that in order to make love to a woman, a man has to be in love with her?”
“No. But in my case, you would,” she said. “You’d never have touched me at all if you didn’t love me.”
He breathed deeply, his eyes full of need and pain. “You’re too perceptive. I never meant for this to happen.”
“I want nothing that you can’t give me, Josh,” she said, her voice still and gentle in the big room.
“Not now, perhaps, in the aftermath of your first loving. But later...”
“My first loving.” She pressed against him and slid her arms around him. “It was so beautiful.”
His arms enfolded her. He settled back on the bed, drawing her close. His eyes closed as he cradled her, feeling a surge of love and possession that knocked the breath out of him. “I won’t marry you.”
“I know.”
“Amanda, for God’s sake!” he groaned when he felt the tears on his chest. “Amanda, listen to me. It’s for your own good. Honey...!”
But the tears kept coming. He turned, kissing them away, staying them with lips that were tender and loving and then, suddenly, urgent.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered feverishly. “Don’t cry, I can’t take it. Amanda...!”
His mouth found hers. His body tautened with an uprush of desire too strong to stem. While he tried helplessly to fight it, she turned and slid against him, urging his body to hers, in a slow, sweet joining that was more profound even than the last. She whispered to him, coaxed, urged, until he was hers. The tenderness was unbearable. Contractions of exquisite violence bonded them together in a heated climax that left Amanda exhausted.
“No one else can give you that,” she whispered with her last sleepy breath. “And you’d throw it all away because you can’t make me pregnant.”
He cradled her in his trembling arms and cursed himself and fate for the trick life had played on him. When he finally let himself sleep, he was no closer to a solution than he had been. But his body, for the first time in years, was at peace.
CHAPTER TWENTY
AMANDA WAS ALONE in the bed when she woke up. She remembered the security she’d felt in Josh’s arms and mourned for its loss. He wasn’t going to change his mind. She’d felt it at the last, just before they slept. He loved her, even if he hadn’t said it, and he wanted her. But he felt that she couldn’t accept him as he was. Silly man, she thought sadly. She’d have taken him limping and blind, but he had too much pride to give in to his own need.
She slid into a pretty, multipatterned shirtwaist dress and tied her hair back with a matching ribbon, then went down to breakfast.
Josh was sitting at the table with Ted, going over paperwork.
“No wonder you never gain weight,” Amanda mused, smiling shyly at Josh. “You eat paper for breakfast.”
He smiled at her. “Just checking a few figures. Go get your own breakfast, Ted. We’ll discuss this later.”
“Sure thing, boss.” He winked at Amanda as he strode off toward the front door, obviously bent on breakfast at a restaurant in Nassau.
“Am I leaving today?” she asked Josh.
He leaned back in his chair and let his dark, possessive gaze wash over her. “Yes.”
“What if I refuse to get on the plane?”
“I’ll carry you on it.”
“I’d start kissing you. You’d never get out the door.”
“Don’t bet on it,” he said implacably. “I want you, but I’m not at the mercy of my loins.”
“You were last night,” she said daringly.
He nodded. “Very much so. I wanted you to the point of madness, and took something I had no right to take. This morning I’m bristling with regrets and shame. As you should be,” he added.
“I can’t be ashamed of it,” she replied, sitting down beside him. “I love you. It was the most beautiful experience of my whole life.”
“It belonged to your husband, when you marry,” he said.
“And I gave it to you,” she replied, her eyes loving on his hard face. “Because I’ll never marry anyone else. Never love anyone else. I’ll grow old and die, all alone.”
His hand clenched as she traced the back of it where it lay on the table. “You could have children...”
“I would only have wanted yours, Josh,” she replied sadly, and removed her hand. She helped herself to bacon and eggs. “Maybe you haven’t realized it yet, but carrying a child is part of loving someone, for a woman. I could no more allow myself to become pregnant by a man I didn’t love than I could fly over a mountain in a car. I’ve loved you since I was in my teens and my cat scratched you. In all that time between, I haven’t... I haven’t been able to want anyone else, much less love them.” She lifted her eyes to his. “Only you.”
The words were haunting. The way she said them made him ache inside. He averted his eyes to his coffee cup and abruptly picked it up and drained it.
“I have to fly down to Rio today on business. I won’t be here to see you off.”
“All right, you don’t have to rush away without your breakfast to get rid of me. I won’t make a scene or any more confessions of love. I know how you are when you’ve made up your mind.”
“I’ll let you know what I find out about Ward Johnson and his love interest.”
“What will we do?”
“First we’ll get facts instead of suspicions,” he said with forced humor. “I don’t want to spend the next ten years in court with him.”
“Neither do I.” She searched his face with quiet longing. “You’re sure, aren’t you? About us?”
He got to his feet and looked down at her, his eyes dark with sadness and irritation. “Try to see the other side of it, can’t you? Reverse the situation and think how you’d feel.”
“I’d feel sad, just as you do,” she told him honestly. “But I’d love you enough to marry you anyway. Josh, what happened to you was quite obviously an act of God. You don’t go to church, but I used to, with Mirri. Don’t you know that God never closes a window unless He opens a door? You won’t believe that life works if you’re not always in control of every facet of your life. But even at my age, I’ve learned how to let life happen instead of trying to master every minute of it.”
“I’ve gone through all those arguments, too, Amanda.”
“I love you,” she said fiercely. “Argue with that!”
“Damn you,” he said through his teeth. “Damn you!”
He jerked her out of the chair and into his arms. His mouth hit hers like a weapon, twisting and hurting, his arms slamming her into his body. She didn’t struggle at all. She met his ardor headfirst, with sweet grace, her arms around him, her mouth soft and sacrificing, giving him everything he asked for.
She opened her mouth, and he groaned as he accepted the invitation. His tongue shot into the soft darkness, probing, possessing. He lifted her, and the kiss took on new dimensions, broke new ground. He forgot his anger, forgot everything except the glory and wonder of Amanda in his arms, loving him. It was the night before, all over again, and he shivered with delight.
“You love me,” she whispered into his devouring lips. “Say it. I dare you. Tell me, Josh...”
“Shut up,” he ground out against her mouth.
&nbs
p; She kissed him back until they were too breathless to keep it up. He let her slide down his aroused body until her feet touched the ground. She was trembling. His hands were none too steady, supporting her.
“You don’t even have to marry me,” she managed unsteadily. “I’ll live with you. Whatever you want. Anything.”
“No.” His fingers bit into her arms, and he looked as if he were being tom apart. “Go home.”
“Josh!” she moaned.
His eyes closed as he fought to resist the unbearable temptation. “You’re overwrought,” he said after a minute, and put her gently away from him, letting go reluctantly. “You’ll get over this. Time will cure it.”
She could barely breathe. Frustrated tears blinded her. She fought for control, for pride. Her hands clenched at her side, and she leaned against the table for support as her legs threatened to collapse. “Just tell me one thing. If you were fertile...?”
His chin lifted, but he wouldn’t look at her. He forced a laugh. “Haven’t I told you, time and again, that I don’t believe in marriage, Amanda? My parents were certainly no advertisement for it. My mother is already working on prospective husband number five when she’s still legally tied to number four! Happily ever after exists only in books.”
“You said it was because you were sterile.”
His shoulders straightened. “It is, but only partially.” He turned. His eyes were strange, his face white. “Last night was wonderful. I loved it.” He lit a cigar. He chose his words carefully. She’d been innocent. She had no idea how it was between lovers, and he could sound convincing. “Haven’t you ever heard that a man hungers for something until he’s had it? I’ve had you. Now the ache is gone, and there are new conquests waiting.” He gave her pale face a cynical appraisal. “Sex is sex, Amanda. What I had with Terri was just as good as last night.”
Pride, she thought, could save her every time. She drew herself to her full height and ignored the red-hot pain in her heart. She managed a tight smile. “I see. Then it would be the same with another man as it was with you?”
He didn’t like that. His whole face changed. His eyes went very nearly black with shock and contained rage.
“Yes,” he said firmly. “It probably would.”
“That’s that, then.” She turned away. “All right, Josh. Business again, as usual.” She moved away from him. “I won’t come here again,” she added, her pride rearing up to spit at him. “Not even if you damn well beg me!”
“Do the words fat chance strike a familiar note?”
The contained humor was the last damned straw. She’d been certain that he loved her. Now she wasn’t. His behavior was as maddening as it was final. She sat back down at the table and deliberately poured herself a cup of coffee with hands that were unnaturally steady. “I assume you have a plane to catch,” she said stiffly.
“So do you. If you see Brad,” he added reluctantly, “tell him that I asked about him.”
“He’ll appreciate your concern, I’m sure.”
He hesitated in the doorway, allowing himself one last look at her. She was so beautiful, sitting there almost strangling on her pride. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her. But one day she’d thank him for not putting his own selfish wishes ahead of her happiness. He’d become her first lover. She was letting her emotions blind her to reality right now. When she’d had time away from him, time to realize that her body had wanted him much more than her heart, she’d come to grips with it. Self-sacrifice had a warped nobility about it, but, God, it hurt!
“Goodbye, Amanda,” he said softly.
“Goodbye, Joshua,” she returned. She didn’t look at him. He walked away. The silence in the room became suddenly stifling. She looked into her coffee cup. It took a minute for her to realize that she could no longer see clearly what it contained.
* * *
GLADYS JOHNSON WAS in a private room at the general hospital, after having had her stomach pumped out. A handful of barbiturates, mixed with the amount of alcohol she usually consumed, had overloaded her system almost fatally.
Sitting beside her bed, Ward Johnson was surprised at how old and worn she looked. He scowled as he discovered her frailty.
“If she dies, I’ll cut your girlfriend’s throat,” Scotty muttered, looking at him with hate-filled eyes. He jerked at the voice, because he hadn’t heard his son come in.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he lied.
“I saw you,” Scotty said coldly. “The Todd woman wasn’t quite quick enough. I looked in the window and saw you kissing that fat slut. You had your hand up her dress.”
Ward put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. “You don’t understand.”
“I’m not that dim, Daddy,” he said sarcastically. “You’re running around on my mother, while she sits at home up to her eyeballs in booze. If you gave a damn, you’d make her get help.”
He looked at his son irritably. “Sure. Like you got help.”
Scotty shrugged. “I tried,” he muttered. “I went away and dried out. But when I came back and I had to watch the way she lives, I couldn’t take it. You treat her like dirt. You never even look at her.”
“I can’t stand to look at her,” Ward exploded, white-faced. “Damn you, she’s an alcoholic! She drinks all the time! When she isn’t drinking, she’s telling me what a simple-minded failure I am, a loser she hates having to tolerate. She hasn’t slept with me in sixteen years! How the hell am I supposed to treat her?”
“She’s your wife!”
“Big deal,” he spat.
“What does that fat slut give you? Love?” Scotty laughed coldly. “She gives you hot sex. That’s all she gives you. Maybe she tells you you’re handsome, huh? You’re a middle-aged man with a big pot gut and the compassion of a squirrel in heat!”
Ward jumped to his feet and caught the boy by the collar, shaking him. “Don’t you talk to me like that, you piece of scum! You’re nothing but a juvenile delinquent! A filthy little thieving drunk, just like your mother!”
Scotty pushed him away and tore loose. His glassy eyes glared at Ward. He pointed a shaking finger at him. “I’m going to fix you,” he said. “I’m going to kill that fat slut you’re sleeping with! And everybody is going to know what you really are!”
“You’re out of your mind,” Ward began.
“I’ll kill her!”
Scotty slammed out the door. Ward felt chills run down his spine. He’d never felt so tangled in all his life. He stood over his wife’s unconscious body and looked down at her with utter disgust.
“You miserable excuse for a human being,” he said furiously. “It’s all your fault!”
But Gladys was beyond answering him. Five hours later she slipped into a coma and died.
Ward was shaken out of his mind. He’d never dreamed that Gladys would do something so stupid. But he should have realized that her drinking was leading her that way. Scotty was right; he hadn’t paid her any notice lately, hadn’t cared that she might be on the edge looking for a way over.
Scotty blamed him, and why shouldn’t he? He hadn’t listened to Gladys in years. Perhaps part of her wild behavior was due to his very indifference. He’d turned his back on her, and she’d killed herself. He had to live with that. That, and the guilt of knowing that while she lay dying, he was lusting after Dora.
He telephoned the office to tell them about his wife. Amanda had taken time off to go to her best friend’s wedding that morning, but he told Lisa that he wouldn’t be in for a few days. Then he asked for Dora and cautiously told her what had happened.
“Don’t go out alone at night,” he told her worriedly. “Scotty made some wild threats. You be careful.”
“Your son? He knows about us?” Dora asked frantically, hushing her voice so that nobody in the office would overhear her.
“Yes. I’m sorry, but he does. He
blames both of us for what happened to his mother. He’s wild drunk, and he doesn’t care how much damage he does,” he said. “Dora, I’m sorry I got you into this. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right.” She said it automatically, but she felt sick. If Edgar found out, she could lose her children. And that wasn’t the worst of it. What if Scotty decided to take his vengeance out on her sons instead of on her? She was suddenly stricken with the enormity of what she’d done. She’d put her secure, happy life at risk by engaging in a sordid love affair. And now her chickens were about to come home to roost.
* * *
MIRRI AND NELSON STUART beamed as they came out of the courthouse, marriage license in hand. Amanda, walking with them, was delighted for her friend. Mirri didn’t look anything like the frightened young girl she remembered from their childhood. In her off-white suit and orchid corsage she was beautiful and radiant, all the things a bride should be. Beside her, Nelson Stuart looked like a man who’d captured a fairy. He clung to his wife’s hand, while around them FBI agents congratulated them and went away trying to decide how the impossible event had come about.
“They’re puzzled,” Mirri said, chuckling softly.
“They can’t imagine how a stick-in-the-mud like me wound up with a pretty butterfly like you,” he teased, bending to kiss her forehead tenderly.
“I think the women are wondering how I landed such a hunk,” Mirri replied.
“And I know how a fifth wheel feels.” Amanda laughed, shaking Nelson’s firm hand. “You people go away and act like newlyweds. I’ve got a job press to run.”
“Don’t let the boss get the upper hand,” Mirri cautioned.
“Never in a million years. I’d wish you happiness, but you already have that. So I wish you half a dozen children and years and years together,” she added with a sadness that was lost on her friend.
“You’ll marry one day,” Mirri told her, hugging her warmly.
“No,” Amanda said. She returned the hug. “I’ll talk to you when you get back from your honeymoon. Love you.” She smiled at Nelson and walked back toward her car.