Darren faces me with a thick, twisted brow. “Forget about canceling the police.”
Thirty
After.
“How did you feel knowing someone had violated your home space in that way?” Doctor Shaw asks me.
“How do you think I felt? Some psycho was in my house while we were home. It’s hard to think of a house as your home after someone decides to let themselves in and do God knows what.”
“So the police had no clue as to why a man would break into your home while you were both there?”
“None. They figured it was a robbery. According to their report, we interrupted a thief who was about to take our things and nothing more.”
“Even with the recent threats?”
I nod. “No one took the threats seriously until . . . ”
“I understand. The police, without knowing it, actually played right into his hands, didn’t they?”
I sit in silence for a moment. “Yes. It all went perfectly for him, the way I regard it. That night was simply a test of our capability to defend ourselves. It was almost a dry run for the big show.”
“Big show?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No,” Doctor Shaw says. “Please clarify what you mean by ‘the big show.’ ”
I let out a huff. The doctor understands I don’t want to talk or think about that night, but I can tell she is working up to that point I am trying to avoid.
“You really want to know?” I ask.
“Yes, of course. Please continue.”
“Okay,” I say, closing my eyes for a moment. “In my head, the big show was the night I lost him forever.”
“Lost who?” the doctor asks. She knows the answer. Every doctor I’d ever spoken to did. She is attempting to force it out of me.
“How long do we have left?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
“It doesn’t matter,” Shaw says. “We can continue the session and go beyond the hour if needed. What’s important is that you get to say what you want to say without feeling pressured.”
I cross my arms. “And what if I don’t ever want to speak about this? What if I can never allow myself to say his name?”
Shaw leans in closer to me, placing her notes down with a sigh. “Then I cannot see you leaving this place anytime soon.”
I exit the doctor’s office trying to be positive. It’s hard, though, when Shaw is seeking to trick me into reliving a moment I wish I could laser out of my brain and replace with anything other than the truth.
Of course, I did try to destroy that memory, one way or another. It was the very act that landed me in here. The trouble I had with my solution to the problem was that it would have taken away every other memory along with it.
I guess I’m lucky I failed my attempt to clean up my brain.
Dinner is fast approaching. I’ve gotten used to the early meals that taste mostly like cardboard. The staff brings around trays of food to everyone along with our prescribed meds. I swallow them whole and instantly think about the other medication I no longer have access to. The image of Tom follows the thought and makes me want to gag.
Did it actually happen? I find myself wondering. Did Tom try to force me into fucking him in exchange for some tablets that help me sleep? Anything was possible in this place.
I finish eating my dinner and head to the bathroom we all share on the ward. Usually, I don’t use them unless I’m too far away from my room to bother. A foul smell hits my nose the second I walk into the ladies’ bathroom. The cleaners around here do a lousy job of keeping the ward clean in general. This row of toilets is no exception.
I’ve only ever used this lavatory once before today. That first time was no different: urine covers the floor, poorly cleaned feces stains cover most surfaces, and I’m quite certain someone has thrown up in the last stall. I decide to use my bathroom instead and turn around to leave.
“How was your dinner, darlin’?” Tom asks, blocking the exit.
“Just fine,” I say. I try to walk by him, but he moves toward me and fills in the gap with his tall frame.
“Whoa, now. Why the rush? There’s still another hour left in the day before we send you crazies off to bed.”
I can’t help but feel like the lowest possible person in the world when someone like Tom holds a higher standing than me. The thought lowers me down as he continues to stare at me with his judgmental eyes.
“Now, what should we do to kill an hour?” Tom leans in closer to me with one arm propping him up on the tiled wall of the bathroom. “A few ideas spring to mind,” he says with a sneer.
“I need to go to the toilet in my own room. Excuse me.” I attempt to push through, but he shoves me back with one arm. He possesses a physical control over me I can’t match. A shudder runs down my spine as I try not to let my frustrations show.
“Is there something wrong with the facilities here?” he asks with an open palm.
I know he’s just messing with me. None of the staff would ever be caught dead using one of these toilets.
“Don’t pout at me. These are some of the best crappers in the hospital. Why don’t I show you one?” He grabs me by the shoulder and turns me around. He guides me along with one arm around me. “Let’s check out that stall at the end. That’s one of my favorites.”
I keep my eyes closed as he walks me forward. Every word out of his mouth is like a razor blade over my skin. I want to scream and run away, but I can’t have Tom blab to Doctor Shaw about the tablets without losing my weekend leave with James.
Tom pushes the stall open and walks me inside. “I like this one the most because it has that little bit of extra space.” He leans in, placing his mouth on my ear as he grips both of my shoulders from behind. “Plus, it’s nice and private down the end here. No one can hear you.”
I take a deep breath as I try to prepare myself for what’s coming. Have I let things reach this point? How did my life turn around so quickly in the wrong direction? It seemed like only a short time ago that most of my life was on track.
“Now, about our arrangement,” Tom says. “The way I see it, you owe me. I think it’s time you paid up.”
His hands slide down over my chest and keep going down to my crotch. His rough skin feels like torture through the layers of clothing I’m wearing, pushing me to break before anything major happens. I can’t do this.
“Take off your clothes.” The order falls out of his mouth like he’s given the command a million times before. Something in my brain snaps as I realize where I am and who I’m about to let violate me.
With a tense elbow, I duck down a little and strike Tom in his testicles as hard as I can. His grip lets up as he falls back to the ground on one knee and loses all air in his lungs. I don’t waste time and step past him as he tries to grab at me. He fails to get the slightest hold on my leg as all his strength has been rerouted to deal with the pain keeping him down. I shake my head and walk away.
“You bitch,” he gets out, half-shouting. “You’re done, you hear me? I’m going to tell the doctors everything. You won’t ever leave this fucking place.”
I stop and turn to face him. With as much confidence as I have left in me, I walk back toward Tom and come to within a few feet. It takes every ounce of strength I can muster to prevent myself from shaking with fear. “If you say a word to the doctors, I’ll tell them you tried to rape me.”
He starts to laugh at my words. “What? You think they’d believe you over me?”
“Maybe not, but a single accusation is all it takes for them to start watching you like a hawk. Even Doctor Shaw can recognize how much of a creep you are. I can see it in her eyes every time you drop me off at her office.”
Something registers in Tom’s mind as he realizes I’m right. “You bitch. I don’t care. You’ll still be locked up in this hell hole for longer. It’ll be worth the hassle to keep you down in the dirt where you belong.”
I shake my head at him without thinking. “You can�
��t kick me down any lower than I already am. From where I’m standing, you’re the one who has room to fall.”
I turn away and walk out of the bathroom without looking back. Tom yells more curse words at me. I continue out of the room and head for my bedroom.
I don’t know if Tom will go to the doctors or not. At this point, I don’t care. Anything is better than what he could have done to me. I almost want to go to Doctor Shaw myself to get in front of everything.
As I reach my room, I decide I will tell Shaw about the pills and Tom as soon as I can. I just have to beat that creepy asshole to the punch.
Thirty-One
I don’t sleep that night. The events of the day won’t leave my mind alone for a single second. I need to push it all away, but I can’t. The main thought dominating my every attempt to dream isn’t Tom but James. He was going to whisk me away from the hospital for the weekend and take me to Karlo. I can’t help but feel like I’ve ruined an opportunity that will never present itself again.
“No,” I say out loud as I think of the alternative. If I had let Tom do to me what he intended, I would have come out of that toilet more broken than I already am. I can’t let myself become another one of his victims. God knows how many people are out there thinking about the time he claimed them. The image of his mustache rubbing against my neck forces me out of bed and to my feet.
I head to the bathroom and run the tap. I splash water on my face, trying to clean myself. Even though I didn’t let Tom rape me, I still feel dirty. I almost consider jumping in the shower, but an orderly will hear it running and assume I am up to no good. I don’t need more of them coming in here, that’s for sure.
Morning comes around after a seemingly endless night. I try to work out if I even slept for a minute. I only remember being awake, so I assume the worst.
Tom doesn’t come to unlock my door. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing. He might have the day off, or perhaps he has switched patients with someone else to avoid me. Either way, I’m happy not to see him. I can’t assume he won’t try it again. People like that can’t handle being told no. I never actually said the word, but my actions spoke loud enough for him to receive the message.
My new orderly is quiet and less intimidating. I don’t bother to learn his name yet and hope to hell he has swapped with Tom permanently.
I’m guided out to the day room and left to wait for breakfast. I need to get as close as possible to where Doctor Shaw can be found before she heads to her office. The doctors all come into the ward via a secured hall that I’m not allowed to access alone, but I can certainly stand by the locked door and try to catch Shaw’s attention through the glass when she arrives.
I press myself against the window when no one is looking and see the doctor down the far end of the hallway. She will be passing by soon enough. A smile finds my lips as I begin to practice what I will say to her.
My muttering is interrupted when a voice behind sends a jolt through my body.
“Well, well, well. What do we have here? Waiting for Doctor Shaw, are we?” Tom stands behind me with his arms crossed. “You’re not allowed to be near this door, patient.”
I ignore him and focus on Doctor Shaw down the corridor. She’s still too far away from me. I almost decide to bang on the glass, but it will capture the wrong kind of attention.
“Please step away from the area, Turner.”
“No,” I say to him. It was possibly the worst word to use at that moment.
“What did you say to me?” Tom says through gritted teeth. He’s practically hissing.
I turn and face him. “Go away.”
A smile breaks across his face. “I don’t think I heard you correctly, Turner. Did you just tell me to go away?”
I stare into his dead eyes and hold my ground.
“Well?” Tom asks, tilting his head. “Did you?”
I back up against the door I’m not allowed to be near. “No, Tom. I told you to fuck off.”
Tom’s face clouds over as his brow drills into the bridge of his nose. He stomps up to me and lowers his head down. “What did you say?” he shouts. The noise gets the attention of the other patients. In less than a few seconds, they react and start yelling and moaning.
I hold my ground. Doctor Shaw will be here soon. Tom can’t harm me in front of all these people, especially now that his shouting is forcing the other orderlies into the area.
“Tell me again,” he roars into my face. “What did you say?”
I can’t resist. “I said, fuck o—” I don’t finish my insult to Tom as a punch of energy rushes through my body and sends me to the floor in half a second. Before I can put two and two together, I see Tom holding a taser in his hand. My body shakes and jitters on the ground beneath his feet.
Tom squats down to me and puts the weapon back into its holster. “Didn’t quite catch that one, Turner. Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to speak with Doctor Shaw about a troubled patient.”
As I twitch and spasm, I stare back at Tom, trying my hardest not to let him win. But I can’t change what has happened. He hit me with enough volts to render me speechless.
All around the day room, the other patients have been whipped up into a frenzy. Orderlies are running around in every direction.
Tom steps over my body and unlocks the door. He goes through and leaves me in the chaos. The door magnetically locks behind him.
I try to roll over and reach for the handle, but a voice stops me. Doctor Shaw is speaking to Tom.
I’m too late.
Thirty-Two
Later in the day, I find myself in Shaw’s office, sitting in the chair opposite her desk. I’ve recovered from the unknown number of volts that had been sent through my body at the hands of Tom. The doctor keeps shaking her head at me as she reads through a report handwritten by the piece of crap who shocked me. I’m beyond screwed.
“What happened?” Shaw asks me as she continues to huff and shake her head.
I don’t think she wants me to answer the question yet. I let a silence form between us, hoping it will somehow protect me from what will happen next.
“Well?” she asks again.
I shrug. “Depends. What does he say happened?”
Shaw’s brow tightens. “How about you tell me what you think this report says.”
A glimmer of hope washes over me. Tom will have exaggerated the truth beyond belief. If I tell her what really happened—all of it—then Shaw will recognize it is my word against his. It will give her enough doubt about Tom’s credibility. It’s all I have to go on.
“It all started a few days ago. I’ve been having trouble sleeping.”
Over the next few minutes, I tell Shaw the truth, including Tom’s attempts to blackmail me into sex. The only detail I change is where I got the drugs from. I leave Andrea out of the picture for now. I tell Shaw Tom provided the Diazepam to me all along. She writes everything I say down into her notebook. It almost feels good to get this off my chest—and even better to put the blame entirely on Tom.
“That’s a big accusation. Are you quite sure this is what happened? Read through my notes twice to double-check. If you are going to do this, you better make it stick.”
Something tells me this isn’t the first patient to tell her about Tom and his creepy ways. Maybe the doctor has always suspected him of being the kind of person who exploits psychologically unstable people. All I can hope is for her to believe me over him.
“Obviously, we will need to reconsider your weekend trip with James. With everything going on, it might not be the best idea for you to be away from our care for two days.”
Her words crush me, but I’m not surprised. I knew the truth would cost me. All I can hope now is that James can afford to keep an eye on Karlo for a little while longer.
“Is there any possibility I can still go?”
Shaw stares at me for a moment. I can see her thinking it through. “Give me some time to consider it first.”
“Sounds fair.” I let a sigh of relief escape. I realize she can still say no at any moment, but the fact she hasn’t put me into isolation or worse for the whole mess is a good sign.
“Emma?” Shaw asks.
I lift my head up, not realizing it had been lowering.
“Are you okay?”
I shift in my seat and gaze away. The question seems so foreign to me. How could I possibly answer it in a few words? I know I’m not okay. I know Doctor Shaw knows I’m not okay. So why do we do this little dance where I try to pretend everything is fine while the doctor acts like she doesn’t notice how dead I am inside?
“Emma?”
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t answer my question. Are you okay?”
“Depends.”
“On?”
“Define okay. Am I okay physically after being hit by a taser? Yes. Am I okay mentally after being assaulted by the asshole hired to look after me? No. No, I’m not. But I don’t want to admit that to you and give you another reason to keep me in here.”
Shaw purses her lips as she taps her pen lightly against her chin. “Emma, admitting you are not okay with something that should never have happened in the first place is not the kind of information I’m going to use against you. I’m not here to guarantee your stay at the hospital never ends; I’m here to progress you along the process and get you back to your life.”
“My life?” I ask. “What life? What do I have to look forward to out there?”
“More than you seem to realize. You have James, for one. I can tell from your interactions that he will be a positive force if you are ever to move forward.”
“And for two?” I ask.
Shaw’s brow tightens as she gives me that face she always does when she’s studying me in detail. “The one you saved.”
My eyes almost pop out of my head. “You can’t be serious. The one I saved? The one who knows I condemned the other to death. I don’t even remember who’s alive and who’s dead. How am I supposed to reconnect with them after all that? Why would they ever want me back in their life?”
Don't Let Me Die: A gripping psychological thriller Page 13