“Dad?”
Darren doesn’t respond. I give him a subtle nudge to bring him back to reality.
“Sorry. What is it, Frank?”
“Can we buy pizza for dinner? I know I’m grounded and all that, but I think we’ve all had a long day and could use a slice. I’ll even pay for it.”
Darren and I share a look. We both smirk with surprise at Frank’s offer.
“Sounds good to me,” Darren says, “but we’ll pay.”
“Thank you for the kind offer, Frank,” I say. “I think it’s an excellent idea.”
Suddenly, I feel like we are a family again. Even though Frank is grounded and shouldn’t be given the luxury of pizza, I’m happy to take a moment to celebrate securing the money needed to pull ourselves closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, we haven’t exactly been a functional family lately. The dinner will help to bring us together for a change.
We grab some pizza on the way home and arrive back at the house a few minutes later. Darren’s cell chirps away, so he answers it. “Darren Turner.”
Frank and I are already getting out of the truck. I have the box of pizza in my hands, enjoying the warmth. I turn to Darren and see him shake his head at me before glancing toward Frank. I receive the message.
“Take this and wait by the front door,” I say to Frank. He agrees with only a minimal complaint and grabs the pizza. I climb back in the truck to see Darren still on the phone. His face drops as he lowers the cell from his head.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Our contact. He knows we have the money.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding away as I take a deep breath. “They’ve been watching us. But at least they realize we have the money now. What’s the next step?”
“They want to meet . . . tonight. They want to collect at midnight.”
I close my eyes and try not to freak out. Everything about the last few days never felt real until this moment. I open my lids and stare at Darren.
“Okay. We can do this.”
Forty-Two
After.
“Were you confident things would work out?” Doctor Shaw asks as my brain snaps back to the present.
“Not really. But Darren needed that projection of confidence. We all did.”
Shaw stares at me as the tip of her pen hits her chin over and over. The habit is starting to gnaw at me. “Tell me what went through your mind when Darren said he knew of a criminal who could liquidate your business illegally for cash.”
I sigh as I lean back into the couch and cover my face with both hands. I am reaching that point in the session where I can no longer stand the doctor pulling apart the relationships in my life. “How do you think I felt?”
“I’m asking you. That’s what this is all about.”
I fight the urge to curse out loud as I remember Shaw hasn’t told me if I’m going on the weekend trip with James or not. “Okay,” I let out.
“Take your time. We still have another ten minutes.”
I glance at the clock on the wall. Its incessant ticking drives me insane on a good day. It’s like a constant reminder that Doctor Shaw is not my friend but a worker on the clock. She’s like every other doctor in here, waiting for five to come around so she can get the hell out of this hole and drive home to a fancy apartment or whatever it is a high-paid doctor lives in.
My eyes fall to Shaw. I give her my session smile and continue. “At the time, I didn’t have the ability or luxury to analyze why my husband would have such a man on standby ready to turn his business into a sack of illegal cash.”
“And now?”
“Now, I think to myself that his shady contact couldn’t have been the only one on his phone. It made me wonder if Darren was cutting corners with the business before that night.”
Doctor Shaw leans forward and presses me with her eyes. I continue.
“Like I said, I didn’t have the ability to figure this out at the time, but something is clear to me now: Victor’s case against us had to have been legitimate. His injuries were most likely the result of Darren’s intentional neglect. Victor recognized what his long-standing boss was like and expected him never to pay up.”
Shaw scribbles away, writing down what she clearly didn’t know about Darren. I guess the file she has on me isn’t quite complete after all.
“So to answer your question, my mind was focused on getting these people off our backs and nothing else. Darren’s bullshit could wait until another day.”
“Okay, Emma. I think we’ll leave it there for the moment. I have something I would like to discuss with you before our time runs out.”
Doctor Shaw stands from her seat and places her notes down. She takes off her glasses and puts them in her pocket. Something serious is about to come out of her mouth, and I don’t know if I should prepare for the worst.
“What is it?” I almost whisper.
“You are ready for that letter.”
I had forgotten about her mysterious letter. I take a slow moment to open it up and start reading.
“It’s about your weekend leave with James.”
My heart skips a beat. I think about what will happen if I can’t go. James has Karlo tracked down. As much as I don’t want to face the man who destroyed my family, I know in my soul that it must be done. They deserve that much.
I glance up to Shaw’s eyes like a puppy waiting for punishment and hold my breath.
“I’m granting you the leave. You just need to sign it.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” I say as I bounce on the couch.
“On one condition,” Shaw says over the top of my excitement.
“Anything. You name it.”
“You are to check in with the hospital. I want to have a five-minute conversation with you, once in the morning, and once before I leave for the day so I can get a reading on your state of mind. Do you agree to those terms?”
I don’t. The thought makes me feel like a child, one who needs Mommy’s permission to tie her shoes. But I can’t say what I’m thinking. I try, instead, to focus on my lies.
“I agree,” I say, holding my hand to my heart for emphasis. The doctor gives me a scan with her therapist’s eyes, probing for a weakness and deception. I do my best to persuade her.
“Very well, then. I will contact James and let him know that the weekend away is on. I think some time alone together will be helpful for you. A supportive network of family and friends is an important part of your recovery.”
“Thank you, Doctor Shaw,” I say without thinking. “It means a lot to me.” I go to hug her, but I stop halfway over. I haven’t wanted to touch another person or even be near other people during my time in the hospital. Doctor Shaw seems to be the only one I can stand the thought of embracing.
“It’s okay, Emma,” Shaw says with open arms.
I accept the offer and wrap my hands around her. I sink into her chest and feel secure in an instant. The hug is only brief, but in my mind, I could let it go on forever.
I head back to the dining area for a meal. After I finish eating, I am given my usual meds, along with some Diazepam, as promised by the doctor. The stuff goes down a treat. Within fifteen minutes, the world starts to fuzz over. Suddenly things aren’t that bad. My problems are problems, but they don’t feel like their usual nagging selves. I decide to head back to my room in preparation to sleep, feeling almost right for once in this place.
When my head hits the pillow on my bed, the darkness swallows me whole, even though the light in my room is still on. Nothing can keep me awake now.
I fall asleep not worrying about tomorrow.
Forty-Three
I wake up in the morning without having a single disturbance in the night. If the doctors gave me a lifetime supply of those beautiful Diazepam pills, I swear I could leave this place in a heartbeat and never have to face the truth. I could disappear from the world and live out my days away from the lives I ruined and be silently forgotten. I’m almost at peace with
the idea until I remember James will be picking me up today to drive me interstate to see Karlo face-to-face.
My fantasy is blown away like sand in the breeze. I don’t want to talk to this man. He not only destroyed my family, but he also pulled them to pieces one string at a time before the final attack. Anger replaces my fear as I imagine what I will do when I find him. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never even hated someone enough to want them hurt, but Karlo is the exception to the rule. Karlo is not human in my mind; he is nothing but a psychotic piece of dirt that needs to be swept clean from the world.
My door unlocks a few minutes later. Tom is still nowhere to be seen. I doubt he’ll ever be back. I figure Doctor Shaw suspected as much as I did and asked the powers up the top to do a full investigation into the allegations. There would be enough people in this place who knew something or got a feeling about Tom to make him go away. At the very least, we could keep him from working at this hospital. I can only hope he is fired and possibly arrested for the copious amounts of sexual assault he has no doubt committed over the years.
I head to breakfast past an arguing bunch of patients. There’s always a debate going on in this place around every corner. It’s enough to drive a healthy person insane.
I chuckle. I should never think of myself as one of these people, but time does that to every individual locked in the facility. You come in assuming the world is wrong about you, that you couldn’t be the one with the problem. It doesn’t take long to realize that it isn’t normal to try to end your life after a tragic event you were the center of.
After I finish my breakfast and swallow my pills, I spot James out of the corner of my eye. Doctor Shaw is accompanying him. They are both smiling away. I can’t help but return their pleasant moods.
“Hey, Emma,” James says with a cheeky grin I haven’t seen in far too long. “Doctor Shaw was just going over everything with me. We have to have you back here by six on Sunday night.”
It was Saturday morning. We’d have more than enough time to skip over the state line, confront Karlo, and head back again. James could go to the police after dropping me back at the hospital. No one would be the wiser. I almost want to tell Shaw, as I figure this must be good for my recovery. Facing the man who ended my life has to bring me some form of peace, doesn’t it?
I decide to worry about that when the time comes and keep up a positive appearance for the two of them. The doctor hands me a number to call so I can contact her this evening at five. I also need to do the same Sunday morning.
“No problem,” I say. I hand the card to James. “Can you hold on to this for me?”
“Of course. You’ll be needing my cell to make the calls.” James places the card inside his wallet.
“So, shall we get going?” he asks both the doctor and me.
“Leave when you are ready,” Shaw says to James. She glances at me. “I’ve prepared this kit for you with some clothing more suited to the outside. You can change before you leave. And if at any time you don’t feel right, please head back. The real world can be overwhelming and scary after any time spent inside a hospital like this. Take it easy, avoid anything stressful, and enjoy your brother’s company.”
Shaw leans over and gives me a quick hug. I could lift her up off the ground for making this happen. It’s not just about confronting Karlo either; it’s also about seeing that there is life after this place. Even a brief glimpse of the world outside is enough to motivate me to keep moving forward.
“After you,” James says as he gestures for me to leave. Doctor Shaw escorts us through the checkpoints in the hospital, taking us past all the locations I’ve not been able to be in since my admission. Shaw waves us off at the exit and returns to the ward without looking back.
I stop off in the public toilets to change into something less crazy. I throw on some jeans, a black button-up top, and a light-gray cardigan. There’s also a thick coat I slide on for the cold weather waiting outdoors.
I stare at the mirror made of actual glass. I look like hell and need a lot of makeup, but I don’t care. I’m not trying to impress the public or convince anyone out there of my sanity. I just want to taste the normal world while they let me and do what’s right for my family.
I leave the bathroom and smile at James.
“It’s good to see you out of those hospital clothes.”
“Thank you,” I say as we move toward the exit. James opens the double doors that lead to freedom. I follow through. When my eyes catch the light outside, I swear I’m stuck in a dream. Despite it still being the end of winter, the daylight engulfs me, pulling me from the hospital lurking behind. For once, I don’t feel the beast on my back following my every move.
“Right this way,” James says. He leans into the cold with both hands in his jacket pockets. We find his car a minute later: a late-model BMW. I’m still getting used to the idea that James has money now. When I climb inside, I find leather wrapped around every surface. He keeps the car immaculate. Not a single scuff mark or a bit of dirt can be seen. I feel unworthy.
“We’ve got a long ride ahead of us if we’re going to make it across the state line to where my guy has Karlo.”
“Where exactly are we heading?”
“Kansas City.”
“Are you serious?” I ask. “That’s got to be, what, eight hours away?”
“About that. Might be able to cut off a few minutes here and there if I drive fast enough.” He winks at me.
I return his attempt at humor with a quick smile. “James. Are you sure you want to do this? That’s a lot of driving to do in a short amount of time.”
“Are you kidding me? I’d drive you across the country if it meant we could find justice for our family.”
“Our family?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.
“Yes, our family. Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you guys in the last five years. Part of me wonders if this whole mess could have been avoided if I had stopped being an asshole and just made contact sooner. I’m here now, though, for the long haul.”
I try to stop the tears coming from my eyes, but it’s damn near impossible. “I’m sorry too. This is all my fault.”
“No,” he says as he grabs me and pulls me in for a hug. “This is not your fault. You didn’t cause any of this shit, okay? You got caught in the middle. Sometimes it happens. The ones who should face the music avoid it. But I can tell you now: we’re not going to let Karlo avoid what’s coming to him.”
I nod. “That piece of crap ruined everything. I don’t remember the night in full, but I know he wouldn’t allow us to pay Victor off. Money wasn’t enough. He wanted us to suffer more than his cousin had. I can never forgive that or let it go, no matter how hard this will be.”
“Damn straight,” James says as he presses the start button on the BMW. “Let’s get out there and confront this guy for what he did. I have a digital recorder we can use to catch him admitting everything. We can send it to the police, along with his location, and bring him to justice.”
“What if he gets away while we’re driving?”
James chuckles. “Not likely. My guy is the best. That asshole isn’t going anywhere.”
After getting out of the city, we hit the I-55. I close my eyes and try to imagine what I will say to Karlo when I see him.
Forty-Four
I inevitably doze off in the car. It’s hard not to when you’re cruising down a highway on an eight-hour trip. I surprise myself when I find a pool of drool on my jacket. I thought driving to confront Karlo might keep me wired and awake, but I guess the Diazepam is still in my system.
“So you still snore your butt off,” James says with a grin from the driver’s seat when he notices I’m awake. He has one hand on the wheel while the other keeps his head propped up.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Forget about it. You obviously needed to rest. Plus, this is a long damn trip. Why did Karlo have to be such a pain in the ass and fle
e all the way to Kansas City?”
“Because he’s a coward,” I say. “Simple as that.” I stare out the window. Nothing but flat, green farmland meets my eyes in all directions. The occasional overpass comes and goes.
For the next few hours, we bypass town after town along the I-55, not saying much to each other. Beyond talking about Karlo, it feels awkward to speak to my brother. It shouldn’t be this hard, but there is still a wall between us I don’t think I’ll ever push through. At least not right now, anyway.
“You hungry?” James asks. “We can pull in at the next gas station and grab a bite. Won’t be the best meal in the world, but it’s food in our bellies.”
I sit up a little. “After eating the hospital’s food, that sounds amazing.”
James gives me a smile and taps on the GPS in his car to locate a rest stop. He finds one a few miles away.
“Bingo.”
We spend the next twenty minutes eating and stretching our legs. The stop is slowing down our progress, but there’s no point driving that far in one go. James has to fill up his tank regardless, so it’s not a complete waste of time.
I head to the bathroom on the outside of the gas station and push my way into the shared facilities. A smell worse than I could find at the hospital greets me. “What the hell?” I let out as I force myself to go inside. I get the task over as soon as possible and rush back out.
I spot James at the car, talking on his cell. He seems a bit agitated and keeps looking around as if someone is following him. I start to sneak over in response, taking a different route back to the car.
Has his guy lost Karlo? Has this all been for nothing?
I decide to charge over and ask what’s wrong, but the conversation finishes before I reach the car. James shoves his smartphone back into his sleek pocket. I slow down and act like I never saw anything out of the ordinary.
Don't Let Me Die: A gripping psychological thriller Page 17