by Sadie Black
“You’re what?”
“Pregnant.”
“Ah.”
I watched him closely. I could see the wheels spinning inside. Were they going to spin into a smile or a frown? Right when I was ready to throw the towel in on Cole, I noticed a faint glimmer in his eye. His expression softened into a smile. I guessed it just took guys a little extra time to process the word ‘pregnant’.
“That’s wonderful.”
“Really?” I asked cautiously.
“Really, it’s more than wonderful. It’s amazing.”
I dared myself to be a little happy. “I’m sorry I shouted it at you. That’s not how I wanted to say it…”
“No no, it’s ok. I wasn’t giving you much of a choice.”
Cole reached out and placed his hand on mine. I’d forgotten about that hand and was shocked to realize how much I’d missed it. It was heavy and smooth in a way no other man’s hand could be and it weighed down mine with perfect gravity.
“So,” I offered. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
Cole laughed. “Perfect timing really. You see, I realized something today. Something I should have known the moment we made love in my apartment. In fact, I think I did know it, but I was too afraid to believe it.” He squeezed my hand firmly. “Moneka, I love you. I don’t mean in the way a friend loves friend. I am horrifically, painfully, disgustingly, awesomely, amazingly in love with you. There are not enough ‘ly’ words in the English language to describe the joy and the anguish that this process has caused me.” With a thin sigh he looked up and caught my eyes. “I want to be with you. I don’t care what anyone thinks or what anyone says. And this baby? It’s just…proof that it was meant to be.”
“Meant to be huh?”
“Yeah”
I gave him a wry grin. “You sound like my mother.”
“Well, your mother is a very wise woman.” He lifted my hand and kissed it before pulling me forward and locking his lips onto mine.
There we were, trapped in a perfect moment, each leaning over the dining table to let the other know that it was ok. Love was ok. Babies were ok. We were going to be ok too.
20
COLE
Once again, the dynamic duo found themselves at Elysian Fields. This time, I was the one who invited my father there. I briefly relished the shock in his voice when I asked him to meet me there for brunch and a few holes. I’m certain he thought I was dying or had lost my senses to invite him on such an outing. Secretly, I hoped that, by preparing him to assume the worst, I’d be setting him up to love the news I was about to deliver. Unless, of course, telling him that I was in love with Moneka and we were having a baby together counted as the worst he might be assuming. In that case, I was screwed.
I’d taken care to dress up for the occasion. I even went so far as to briefly consider the plaid shorts that these clowns seemed to find so fulfilling. However, I’d landed on a pair of tan khakis, a light green undershirt, and a white sweater with a green border on the neck and cuffs.
I’d also made sure to secure my father’s table in the corner of the clubhouse. That’s where he found me, martini in hand, watching squirrels and wondering if my child would grow up to love places like this. Maybe it would be better to keep it a secret after all.
“You seem very far away,” he said, taking no pains to hide his concern as he seated himself across from me.
“Just enjoying the view. Your martini is on the way.”
“I would accept nothing less.” He said this as he tipped his fingers toward me sweater. “Got some reason why you wanted to dress like Arnold Palmer?”
I chuckled. “Well, you see, I love his lemonade and ice tea’s. I think they’re just swell.”
“Alright kid. Cut it out. What’s this really about.”
“It’s not about anything. Can’t a son invite his Dad out for an afternoon of golf? Who knows, maybe I’ll love it. Maybe my tastes are changing.”
He eyed me with obvious suspicion. Thankfully, his martini arrived right on cue and rescued me from having to explain any further. For a brief time, we were not father and son. I was not hiding a pregnancy from him and he was not trying to puzzle out what kind of cancer I obviously had. We were just two blokes at the country club, enjoying our martinis and talking about the best club to use out of the rough when it’s still wet from last night’s rain. In truth, I had no idea what club was the best to use. But I argued with him nonetheless. It made him happy to be right.
Our second round of martinis was accompanied by some oysters on the half shell. My mouth watered at the sight of those juicy crustaceans, breaded and seasoned to perfection. I made a mental note to tell Moneka that if she wasn’t in the shellfish business, she needed to get there fast. Nothing satisfied a hungry drunk more.
“So, how are things going with the Mrs.?” I steered the conversation in another direction, continuing to avoid the inevitable.
“Perfect. She’s a real peach.”
“Jesus Dad, show your age why don’t you?”
“I call ‘em like I see ‘em and she’s a peach. She’s a hell of a cook too. I can see where Moneka gets it from.”
I winced at the sound of Moneka’s name. I reminded me too much of what I’d come here to do.
“So it’s working out huh? I’m happy for you. It was an odd start, but it sounds like it was all for the best.”
“You could say that.”
“Yeah, I mean,” I started trying to put my feelers out. “Not every relationship has to start the traditional way. There are all kinds of relationships, all kinds of ways to live your life right?”
“Right.” My Dad’s eyes became hawk-like slits. “That’s pretty mature of you, son. It’s not too long ago I remember you laughing this whole thing off.”
“Well, people change and tastes change right Dad?”
“I guess so.”
I reached out for another oyster, ready to slip it’s delectable contents into my mouth, when my Dad reached out and caught my hand. The feeling of his hand on mine startled me. We were not ‘touchy-feely’ sort of people. We rarely hugged. I never thought about how odd it was, but even his hand touching mine felt more alien to me than if an actual alien were to land his UFO in the center of the parlor and reach out to me a-la E.T.
“What’s this about, son.” His tone was gentle. He really did look like he thought I might be dying and I suddenly felt very guilty about the whole thing. I resolved to put him out of his misery.
“Here’s the thing Dad. Moneka and I. Well, I don’t really know how to say this in a way that’s not going to make it sound weird.”
“Moneka?”
“We’re in love. The two of us. I know it’s weird, but the truth is we had feelings for each other before you and Louise even met.” I waited, panicked. My stomach felt like it might fly away. The oysters on the half shell we’re suddenly no longer my friends, as they threatened to make an encore appearance on my plate.
“Son.”
I concentrate hard on the tablecloth in front of me.
“Son, look at me.”
I looked up, worried about the brand of disgust I would see looming there.
“It’s ok.”
“It is?’
“Of course it is. Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not related, Christ, Louise and I aren't even married. You're not even step-related. You barely know each other. It’s the perfect recipe for love.” He grinned.
I felt the air thickening around me. My stomach settled back in place and I could no longer swear that I felt the rotation of the Earth. Phase one was a complete and my Dad seemed pleased.
“Thank goodness it was only that. Jesus Cole, the way you dragged me out here, I thought you were dying or something.”
“Well, you see the thing is. It’s not just that.” Here was the real kicker.
I could only imagine the horror that would soon be on his face.
“It’s not?” When I didn’t immediately re
spond, he followed up with “spit it out son.”
“Well, so it’s possible that she could be pregnant.”
“Possible?”
“In that…she is pregnant. And I’m the father.”
My Dad was silent for entirely too long. He appeared to be contemplating something, probably how to most efficiently to smack me upside the head for being an idiot. I wanted him to say something. I willed him to say something. Finally, the silence broke me.
“I mean she was on the pill. It’s just…one of those things, you know? It’s only like 98% effective…”
“Cole, relax.” When he looked up, he was smiling. I briefly considered the possibility that I might be going crazy. “It’s ok.”
“It is?”
“Cole, it’s better than ok.”
“Excuse me?”
I must not be hearing this right. Obviously, my father had been abducted and the alien wearing his skin was performing some kind of psychological experiment on me. My Dad cleared his throat and leaned forward over the table. He carefully selected one of the oysters and ate it with a fork. He then took a calculated sip of his martini and placed it down, rolling the stem between his thumb and forefinger.
“Look Cole, I know you think I’m some kind of conservative hard-ass with high expectations. And in your defense, I’ve done my fair share of criticizing people for the choices they make. However, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You’re never too old to learn something new. The man I was when I raised you is not the same man that’s talking to you today.”
“So, you don’t like golf anymore?”
“Can it, smart-ass. Of course I like golf. It’s a great game. Some things won’t change no matter how badly you will them to.” He grinned. “And that little spud of yours is going to learn to love it too.” He sighed and sipped again from his glass. “When I met Louise. Well, let’s just say she was the best thing to happen to me since your mother. I never thought I could feel like that again. Honest to God, I thought I was in for a lonely old age. She was so spunky too. When I met her in Vegas, I thought she was a little off her rocker at first. Then I looked mirror at this gray hair and these fine wrinkles and I said ‘what the hell’. This is the only life I have and I don’t know how much more of it I’m going to enjoy.”
“Dad, don’t talk like that. You’re not that old.”
“No, but I will be. And so will you.”
“Thanks.”
“What…it’s true. Whether you like it or not.” He paused again and I saw a memory cloud over his eyes. He looked out the window at a gray squirrel hiding a nut in a tuft of grass. “Did I ever tell you that when I met your mother, I waited two whole years to ask her out?”
“No. Why?”
“I was in school. I didn’t want to compromise my studies with romantic nonsense. I figured I’d have the chance to get into all that after graduation, which was only six months away. So graduation came and went and when I was finally ready to dive in, she was dating this schmuck named Daniel. We stayed in touch. We ran in the same group. When she and Daniel broke up, I waited as long as seemed appropriate. Then I finally asked. At the time, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. I’d had two more years of freedom and in the end I’d gotten the girl. But when your mother was dying ten years ago, you know what I was thinking?”
“What?” I thought I felt myself getting a little choked up.
“I was thinking that I could have had two more years with her if I hadn’t waited.”
“Oh.”
That oh hung in the air between us filled with all the things I couldn’t say to my Dad. We Saunders boys were terrible at this sort of thing. My Dad offered an awkward laugh to challenge the silence then cleared his throat.
“What I’m saying is, when you know what you want, don’t wait. Life’s too short and unpredictable for you to waste your time worrying about what other people will think. If you want to be with Moneka and you want to raise this child, do it. That’s it. That’s as complicated as it should be.”
His speech finally ended, my Dad sat back in his chair and placed his hands near his belly like he had just eaten a large meal. He seemed very satisfied with the wisdom he had just imparted.
“Don’t be like me Cole,” he said as he tipped back the last of his drink. “Don’t wait until you’re in your 60’s to realize that living is for living.” With a wink, he wiped his chin and announced, “Now, who’s ready to play golf?”
21
MONEKA
My first OB-GYN appointment was in three weeks and I was as nervous as they come. All morning, I had been checking and rechecking the date and time. I had been reading pregnancy guides like they were bibles and panicking over every tiny twinge and ache. Sonia had come by in the morning to bring me some ice cream. She stated that if there were ever a time when it would be OK to have ice cream, it would be when I was pregnant. She handed me a cone from the shop down the street like it was a trophy. When I asked her why she got to have ice cream too, she explained that it was sympathy ice cream. Nobody wants to go through a pregnancy alone after all.
“Sympathy ice cream huh?” I dug into my rocky road cone with child-like rapture.
“It’s the best kind really. I won’t get nauseated and vomit it up later.”
“Ah…well, thanks.” I suddenly felt worried again. I hadn’t had any morning sickness. Was that a bad sign? Didn’t pregnant women have terrible morning sickness? “Do you think…”
“You’re fine.” Sonia was accustomed to my bouts of paranoia, having been woken up twice at three in the morning with me panicking about cramps.
“You don’t know that,” I stated. “I haven’t even been to a doctor yet.”
“When is your appointment?”
“Two weeks from Friday.”
“That long?”
“Lots of pregnant ladies out there I guess.”
I placed my hand on my belly. I felt nothing there. Short of some tenderness and cramps, there was really no way to know I was even pregnant. Part of me just wanted to go to the doctor for proof that a little bean of a person was really sprouting inside of me. As it was, I felt like a liar, walking around and telling my family I was pregnant just because a little piece of plastic deemed it to be so. I pushed a little on my pelvis, willing myself to feel its heart beating. There was nothing there.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Sonia looked suddenly concerned. I must have had a strange expression on my face.
“No, I was actually going to ask Cole to come.”
“Yeah? How’s he handling all of this anyway?”
“Ha! Hard to say. I mean I only just found out like a week ago. He was cool about it when I told him. But he’s been so busy with the new contract and I’ve been so busy with the restaurant, we haven’t had many opportunities to really sit down and talk about it. We’re having lunch today though. I’ll ask him at lunch.”
“Lunch? You two need a night in, that’s what you need.”
“Lunch is fine.”
“Whatever, you crazy love birds.” Sonia’s emphasis of ‘crazy’ suggested that she thought we were anything but.
I didn’t care. I had Cole. I had this amazing little creature that I’m sure the doctors would tell me was really there. I was good. After I finished my Rocky Road, I started dragging out outfits for Sonia’s approval. This would be our first real date. I wanted to impress.
A few hours later, I was wearing a light blue and white polka-dotted sundress with a white belt. My sandals matched the brown of the buckle. I slipped them on and tightened the straps, grateful for the uncharacteristically warm day we were having. As summer had come to a close, the biting cold of fall was becoming more and more prevalent.
I had let Cole pick the joint and was impressed to hear that we would be eating at Eastern Standard. The restaurant had an atmosphere that managed to be both classy and relaxed with wide spaces, large open windows, and a top-quality menu. For some reason, when I thought of Cole,
I thought jeans and beer. He’d mentioned playing golf with his Dad on occasion at a country club out west, but I could never really believe he’d get all dolled up like a pro golfer and eat caviar in a parlor room. It all seemed too fancy for Cole. I never expected him to have taste. But then again, he had me, didn't he?
When I arrived, he was already there, dressed in a simple suit with a green shirt and no tie. Eating olives rapid fire out of a small bowl, he seemed anxious about something. Suddenly, I felt worried. What could Cole be anxious about on our first official date? I tried to prepare myself for all the various breeds of bad news that might soon be coming my way.
My fears settled somewhat when I sat down and saw him smile at me. There was still tension in his face. However, the smile was unadulterated by it. I knew he was genuinely happy to see me despite whatever was eating him. That would have to be good enough for now.
“Hey,” he said with that smile still on.
“Hey,” I replied.
Our ‘heys’ sunk into an awkward silence. Now, when we were finally ready to begin something, we were finally at a loss for words.
“I spoke with my Dad,” he continued.
“Yeah? My mom and I had that talk too. How’d yours go?”
“Well, actually. He gets it. I honestly expected him to give me more hell. It’s like he’s a different person these days.”
I considered this. It must be jarring for Cole to see his Dad act in such an uncharacteristic way. My Mom had always been a little on the unpredictable side. The hook-up Vegas was certainly a shock, but not that much of a stretch.
“Yeah,” I offered. “My Mom was so excited. I can’t believe that a woman could have such a grandmotherly instinct. Speaking of the baby, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” I paused, almost afraid to say anything. It was such a bizarrely domestic chore, going to an ultrasound, what if it scared him away?
“Ask me anything.”
“Ok, well, I’m having my first ultrasound in a few weeks. And well, I was wondering if you’d like to be there.” I glanced up hopefully.