He shrugged into his coat and winked at her. The expression in his eyes made her feel dirty, but she smiled and shut the door behind him.
“You’re making a mistake.” Gabe’s deep voice startled her.
Curling her fingers into the palms of her hands, she turned to face him. “You don’t want me, so I must find someone who does.” Surely, he could hear her heart breaking.
The muscle twitched in his jaw, and he made a move toward her, then checked himself. “I would like to explain. It’s not that I don’t find you attractive.”
She wasn’t a fool. When a man found her attractive, she knew it. But she wasn’t ready to hear any explanations and didn’t know if she ever would be. He’d made his position clear.
Tilting her chin in the air, she marched toward the steps. “Maybe tomorrow I will listen. Today I will not.” The steps seemed to stretch up forever as she mounted them. Part of her longed for him to follow and explain his perplexing actions, and another part knew she couldn’t bear to hear the death knell of her hopes and dreams.
She glanced back and saw him still standing in the entry. As his shoulders slumped and his head bowed, his dejected stance pierced her defenses. He was hurting, too. But she wouldn’t pity him. He had the power to change the situation. She didn’t.
§
“Mat, look.”
Irina tugged at Tatiana’s hand, and she opened her eyes blearily. The room seemed unnaturally bright. She turned her head and stared into her daughter’s smiling face. Though she should scold her for awakening her, she didn’t have the heart.
Struggling to sit up, she pushed her hair from her face. “What is it, my lamb?”
“Snow.” Irina raced to the window and stood on her tiptoes to gaze outside. “Much snow. Daddy says we can play in the snow.”
There was work to be done, but Tatiana didn’t feel like doing it. When was the last time she had frolicked like a child? She couldn’t remember. Tossing back the covers, she dressed in jeans and a warm sweater. Irina was already dressed, though her green pants looked odd with the blue sweater she’d chosen. It wouldn’t hurt to leave her like that to play.
“Get your boots on.”
Irina screeched with delight and ran from the room. Tatiana caught her hair back in a clip and followed her. She almost stepped into Gabe. Withdrawing slightly, she flushed.
He smiled. “You going to join us?”
“Would you rather I did not?” She felt as though there was a suffocating weight on her shoulders.
He held up a hand. “Cease fire.”
She tilted her head and stared at him. What did he mean?
When she still didn’t answer, his gaze softened. “Can I just say I’m sorry? I would like to be friends.”
Friends. She could hear the echo of pain brush her heart. She wanted more than friendship. And she thought he did, too. She’d tossed and turned in her bed last night. That kiss wasn’t the caress of a disinterested man. He felt something for her. Something he was afraid to admit. And in spite of her fear, she had to find out just what had pulled him away last night.
“Then you must prove yourself,” she said. He mustn’t be allowed to see her heart. She wasn’t ready to risk it yet.
Irina came pelting out the door. She jumped into Gabe’s arms and kissed him on the cheek. “Outside, now!”
“Yes, your highness,” Gabe said with a solemn wink at Tatiana.
“Irina! Where are your manners? In that manner you must not speak to an adult.” Mortified heat crept up her cheeks. “Apologize to Gabe.”
“I am sorry, Daddy,” Irina said. “Outside now?” Her voice was contrite, but her blue eyes still sparkled. Her spirit was irrepressible.
He tried not to smile but lost the battle. “We’re going,” he said. As he passed Tatiana, he whispered, “Lighten up, Tat.”
Her cheeks warmed at the nickname. She glanced at her clothing doubtfully. “My sweater is too heavy? But it is cold outside.”
Gabe chuckled. “I mean, don’t take things so seriously. Enjoy yourself. I challenge you to a snowball fight. You and Irina against me.”
“You will lose. I am the champion snowball fighter.” She smiled at Irina. “Tell him, Irina.”
“Snowballs, snowballs,” Irina chanted. She wriggled with excitement.
Gabe carried her down the steps and put her down by the closet. Opening the door, he pulled out their coats. He rummaged on the shelf and retrieved stocking hats for all of them. Tatiana pulled on the blue one and tugged the green one over Irina’s curls. Gabe thrust his dark head into a red-and-white striped one.
“You look like a tall candy stick,” she said.
He looked puzzled, then he laughed. “You mean a candy cane,” he said. “Want a taste?” He bit his lip as though he could bite back the question.
Joy bubbled into her heart. She stretched up and kissed the edge of his chin. “Tasty,” she said.
He reddened, and she laughed. Maybe he wouldn’t find it so easy to put her out of his mind.
He opened the door, and she took Irina’s hand and went outside. A thick layer of snow covered the ground. They had to have gotten almost twenty-five centimeters of snow. Stepping into it, the snow came nearly to her knees. They slogged through the heavy wetness to the backyard. The brilliant white made her blink.
Irina whooped with delight and scooped up a handful of snow. She packed it, then tossed it at Gabe, but it only struck his knee. Her face fell with disappointment, and she scrambled to gather another handful. Tatiana knelt and picked up an armload of snow. While Gabe knelt to gather snow himself, she dumped it on his head.
“You’re in for it now,” he howled. His eyes narrowed, and he advanced with a handful of snow. “You’d better pray for mercy, woman. This is going right down your back.”
Laughing, she held out her hands in front of her. “Nyet, nyet. Do not do it!”
“Too late.” He lunged at her, and she wheeled and ran.
Irina laughed and clapped her hands. “Run, Mat.”
Tatiana felt Gabe’s breath on her neck, and she gave another spurt of speed, but it wasn’t enough. Moments later, the wet snow slid down her back, and she screeched. “It is cold!” Dancing in place, she tried to shake it out from under her sweater while Gabe looked smugly on.
“To pay for this, you will not like,” she threatened.
“You started it,” he pointed out. “I was prepared to be nice.”
She knelt and packed a snowball together in her mitten. Crouching in a pitcher’s stance, she smiled and tossed it lightly in the air.
He held up his hands. “We’re even now; don’t spoil it.” Before she could respond, he charged her. The breath left her lungs in a soft whoosh, and they fell into a snowdrift.
He was lying beside her with his head buried in snow. Sputtering, he thrashed around until he managed to clear his eyes and mouth. “I think I came out the worst in that skirmish,” he said.
She smiled smugly and spread-eagled her arms and legs. “Irina, let us make snow cherubs.” She moved her arms and legs with great care.
“You mean snow angels,” Gabe whispered in her ear. “You look like an angel with all that white snow in your hair. You’ve lost your hat.” He touched her hair with a light hand and brushed the flakes from her hair.
She turned her head and stared into his gray eyes. Pulling her mitten from her hand, she touched his face. “You are cold.”
He moved his head closer, and his breath touched her cheek. She shivered. His lips met hers, and she closed her eyes. The rush of emotion left her breathless. She’d forgotten the heady feeling of being in love. With Sergio, the constant battle to survive had sucked this joy out of their relationship.
“Mat.” Irina tugged at her other hand. “See my angel.”
Opening her eyes, she blinked and sighed. Beside her, she could feel Gabe pulling away and struggling to his feet. Another moment lost. She didn’t understand him. How could he be so tender one moment and so remote the next? If
she wanted to know, she supposed she would have to listen to his explanation, as painful as that might be.
Brushing the wet snow from her clothes, she stood and admired Irina’s snow angel. Gabe laid beside Irina’s angel and made a large one of his own, much to Irina’s delight. They frolicked in the snow for another half hour, but the magic was gone.
Gabe kept looking at his watch, and he finally dusted the snow from his jeans and picked up Irina. “I’m starved. Do you suppose we could get your mat to fix us some breakfast?” he asked Irina.
She nodded. “Blinis! Can we have blinis?”
“The batter I prepared last night,” Tatiana told them. “I will get them started.” Tears of disappointment stinging her eyes, she nearly ran to the door. It was best to simply put Gabe out of her mind and heart, but she was finding that was easier said than done.
nine
Tatiana’s stomach knotted almost painfully at the thought of the evening ahead. She felt like a slave on an auction block about to be sold to the highest bidder. Unfortunately, Jason seemed to be the only bidder. Gabe had made it pretty plain that he was not a contender.
She had fed the family, bathed Irina, and sat waiting for Jason to arrive. What did she talk about to a stranger? She knew nothing about him. Twisting a strand of hair around her finger, she sighed and stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror. The black skirt came nearly to her ankles. She twisted so she could see the back. It wasn’t too tight, was it? She didn’t want to give Jason the wrong idea.
Her high-collared white blouse made her look a bit like a schoolgirl, but maybe that would deter any amorous attention Jason might try. Sighing, she picked up her black cardigan and slipped her arms into the sleeves. The bulky fabric felt a bit like another layer of armor to her, and the tension in her shoulders began to ease. She opened her door and slipped down the hall to peek in on Irina.
Gabe was sitting on the floor with Irina, her small face rapt with attention as he made some small movements with his hands.
“The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and the itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.”
Tatiana shuddered. She hated spiders, but her lips twitched as she tried to suppress her smile. The sound of his deep voice singing such a silly song amused her. She was glad she had managed to hide her smile when he looked up and saw her in the doorway. His voice faltered, then trailed off.
He cleared his throat. “So you’re going.” There was a trace of surprise in his voice as if he had thought she would change her mind.
“Of course,” she said. “I must.”
“I told you I would see what I could do about a visa.”
The hint of censure in his voice angered her. “You think I am so finger-headed that I did not check to see if I could come to the States another way? You can check, but I already know the answer.”
The puzzlement on his face changed to amusement. “Knuckleheaded,” he corrected.
She put her hands on her hips. “Always, you correct me. Finger-headed, knuckleheaded, it is all the same. You think I am too stupid to take care of myself and Irina!”
His smile faded, and he stood, then walked toward her. Putting his hands on her shoulders, he stared into her face. “I don’t think you’re stupid at all, Tatiana. If you really want to know, I think you’re rather remarkable. Not many women would have the pluck and determination to do something about their situation. But, believe me, Jason is not the way.”
For a moment, she wavered in her resolve to go through with the evening. Staring into Gabe’s gray eyes, she wanted to fling herself into his arms and allow him to take care of her and Irina, to rest in his strength and confidence. But her rational mind intervened. She had to grasp every opportunity, no matter how unlikely. Let Gabe check with Immigration if he wanted. She already knew he would get nowhere. In the end, only Irina would pay the cost if she let a chance for a better life slip through her fingers.
She pulled away, already missing the warm press of his fingers. The light in his eyes died, and he dropped his hands. “For you, I am not good enough.” Her defiance faded at the shock on his face. “I must go,” she said. “Ask if you wish. But already I check it. I will not be allowed to stay unless I am married.”
She went to Irina and kissed her good night. With her daughter’s small arms around her neck, she knew she was doing the right thing. Already, Irina was filling out. No longer could she feel Irina’s bones through her skin in a way that frightened Tatiana. She was still too thin, but with good food, she would soon look like any other American child. Her eyes misted with tears at the thought. No sacrifice was too great for that.
“You be a good girl,” she admonished. She released Irina and stepped away.
“I will, Mat,” Irina said. She went back to looking at her book, and Tatiana turned to leave.
Gabe was still by the door. “Do you have change?” he asked.
“Change? I told you I must do this.”
“No, change. Coins.”
“Ah.” She took a deep breath. “I will have to pay for my own meal?” Alarm raced through her. She didn’t have enough money to spend for such frivolity. On the heels of dismay came relief. This might be a way out of the evening.
Gabe chuckled. “No, I’m sure Jason will pay. I meant in case he gets out of line, you might need to call me to come pick you up. I don’t want you to be stranded with no money.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a couple of coins, then hesitated and dropped them back into his pocket. “On second thought, take my cell phone.” He pulled a small flip-top phone out of his shirt pocket. Dropping it into her hand, he took out his wallet. “And here’s my business card. Our home phone number is on it. If Jason does anything that makes you uncomfortable, call me and I’ll come get you.”
Tatiana watched while he demonstrated how to use the phone. Such a good man. So concerned for her, so loving with Irina. Tears pricked her eyes. But he didn’t want her. She tilted her chin. She would find someone who did. “Spasibo, thank you,” she said. “I must go. He is surely waiting in the entry.”
He nodded and stepped away from the door. She dropped the phone and the card in her purse and went down the stairs.
Jason was not by the door, but she heard voices from the living room and headed in that direction. He sat on the sofa with his legs crossed negligently and one arm across the back of the sofa. Grace sat in her chair across from him, and Mike stood leaning against the doorjamb.
Mike smiled triumphantly when she entered the room. “You didn’t tell me you had a date,” he hissed as she passed near. “Told you I’d find you a husband.”
Jason stood and came toward her. “You look lovely,” he said.
Her stomach fluttered at the admiration in his gaze. It had been a long time since someone stared at her with such unabashed enthusiasm. She just wished it was Gabe who held her in such awe. “Spasibo,” she said. “Thank you.”
He gave a wave to Grace and Mike, then held out his hand to Tatiana. “Shall we go?”
His eagerness was flattering. She smiled her good-bye to Grace and Mike, then gave him her hand and allowed him to lead her toward the door. The press of his fingers brought no flutter to her stomach, no special feeling of joy. It would come, though. She just had to give it time. She pulled her hand free and opened the closet for her coat. He helped her slip it on, then opened the door for her. The touch of his hand against her back as he ushered her into the car brought no thrill of hope for the future, just a sense of dread.
His car was a small sporty model. The new-car smell enveloped her, and she settled into the comfortable seat and fastened her seat belt. Relaxing to the purr of the engine, she leaned her head against the back of the seat.
“Tired?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Nyet. Just relaxed.” Turning her head, she studied his profile. Not handsome, but that wasn’t important. Judging from the car,
he would be a good provider. And as long as he was kind to her and to Irina, she would be content. He seemed placid and stable. That’s what she and Irina needed. Stability. Somewhere they could feel safe.
As they drove to town, he told her about his work for a contractor. He was divorced, which was a bit disconcerting to her. She believed a marriage was forever. But she would be a good wife to him; he would have no need of a divorce lawyer again.
He turned on Market Street and parked. The street was illuminated with old-fashioned streetlamps that added a nostalgic air to the nineteenth-century storefronts. Market Street Grill was near the end of the block, and they entered under a green awning. The place was busy, so they waited in antique barber chairs by front windows that looked out on the street.
Tatiana felt tongue-tied in such a crowded place. Snippets of conversation floated around her in too fast a swirl to even understand.
Jason leaned toward her and touched her arm. “You’re the most beautiful woman here,” he said.
The smugness in his voice gave her pause. Was that all he cared about? Her appearance? What about the real person inside? She forced a smile. “It is very noisy here.”
He took her hand and squeezed it. “Did you want to be somewhere private? We could order our food to go and take it to my house.” He raised his voice a bit in eagerness.
Alarm raced up her spine. At least, in the buzz of conversation she didn’t have to face any kind of inappropriate attention. “No, this is fine.” She pleated the folds of her skirt and looked away. The disappointment on his face chilled her. Did he think she was the kind of woman who would welcome that kind of attention from someone she barely knew? She suppressed a shudder. Enduring them from someone she didn’t love would be bad enough after marriage.
His name was called, and Jason led the way to their booth in the nonsmoking section. Instead of sitting across from her in the booth, he slid in beside her.
Sliding his arm across the back of the booth, he smiled at her. “Comfortable?”
How could she ask him to move further away? She nodded and picked up the menu. The scent of his cologne overpowered the enticing aroma from the kitchen. It was giving her a headache.
From Russia With Love Page 9