The doorbell rang, and she pinned a smile to her face and hurried to answer it. The next few weeks would decide her fate. Hers and Irina’s. She would do what she must. Robert was the only man on her horizon at the moment. She had to show him she could be the wife he needed, the mother his son needed. As long as he was kind, she would make it work. It was her duty to her daughter.
§
Three weeks flew by. Robert occupied every spare minute, and Tatiana’s spirit ranged between hope and despair. Robert was her only hope to keep Irina safe, but her heart still yearned after Gabe, no matter how often she reminded herself he was not an option. She tried not to think of Gabe. It wasn’t fair to Robert.
Robert seemed kind. He made no bones about the fact that he didn’t love her but instead sought only a compatible partner. Though he was a bit more stern with his son than she liked, that was likely merely the effect of having no woman in the house. She could temper his expectations once they were married. If he ever asked.
She was preparing vegetable soup in Robert’s pristine kitchen. He set the table, then came to help her with the final preparations.
“You’ve only got three weeks left, is that right, Tatiana?” Robert ladled vegetable soup into four bowls and handed two to her to carry to the table.
Tatiana took them woodenly and walked to the table. It looked as though he would require little prodding. “Da, three weeks,” she admitted.
So far, Robert had made no mention of anything more than the easy camaraderie they enjoyed together. She could talk to him and felt relaxed in his company, but the few times he’d kissed her, there had been no sparks. Oh, it had been pleasant enough, but reading a book or watching a movie was pleasant. She wanted more than a make-believe relationship—she wanted love. It would have been better never to have met Gabe. Maybe then she could be satisfied with only a facsimile.
“We’ll have to discuss it after supper,” he said softly.
She read the intent in his eyes. He had made up his mind. This was what she wanted, what was necessary. Why, then, did she feel like weeping? She forced a smile. “It is time.”
He stepped to the door and called the children. Steven, Robert’s four-year-old son, ran into the room followed by Irina. The children were giggling, and Tatiana smiled. Their children got along as well as she and Robert did. At least, that was one part of the tangle that seemed to be right. She lifted Irina into a booster seat, then did the same to Steven. Dressed in a smaller version of Robert’s own attire of impeccably pressed pants and button-down collared shirt, he had his father’s hazel eyes and dark hair. She wished Robert had his son’s impish smile and carefree attitude. Robert was so serious. She couldn’t imagine him making snow angels.
She ate slowly, not eager for the coming conversation. What should she say if Robert told her he loved her? She didn’t love him. The truth might hurt him, but she couldn’t lie. But he couldn’t love her—he didn’t act like a man in love. She was a convenience and a friend, nothing more. Clinging to that thought, she pushed her bowl away and went to the bathroom for a washcloth to clean up the children.
The clinical feel of Robert’s kitchen and bathroom had always amused her. Tiled counter and floor wiped clean of even a speck of hair or dirt, a plain navy shower curtain with no valance, white horizontal blinds at the window, and no pictures or other decoration. How quickly she had adjusted to the warm elegance of her bathroom at the Salinger home. The pale yellow and blue color scheme cheered her up just to walk in. Baskets held towels and toiletries, a plush carpet graced the floor, and the walls were decorated with watercolor prints.
This sterile bathroom evoked very different emotions. She opened the sink cabinet. All the towels and washcloths were white. The contents of the cabinet were neatly arranged. Such fussiness was unusual in a bachelor. She hoped she could live up to his expectations.
He had put the dishes in the dishwasher and wiped the table by the time she got back. She washed up the children and sent them to Steven’s room to play. The kitchen had been restored to its pristine condition before she could help.
Robert smiled tentatively and held out his hand. “I’ll put on some music.” He led her to the living room. She sank onto the couch while he rummaged in his cabinet. Moments later, the sweet sound of Bach filled the air. That was one thing they had in common—they both loved classical music. It was a start.
He came toward her, and she tried to smile. Why did she feel so sad, so lonely? Was this what her life would be from now on? Turning her head so he wouldn’t see the shimmer of tears, she picked up a catalog and began to flip through it.
Robert sat beside her and took the catalog from her. He took her hand, and she turned to meet his gaze. The time had come. Her heart thundered in her ears. Panic rose in her chest, and she wanted to leap to her feet and flee out of the house. But she couldn’t do that. For Irina’s sake, she had to sit and prepare to accept what came next.
“You look terrified.” Robert chuckled, but it was a halfhearted attempt at levity. “I have to admit to a bit of butterflies myself.”
She managed a smile. “I am fine, just nervous.”
“You know what I’m going to ask, don’t you?”
Tatiana nodded.
He cleared his throat. “We’ve only known each other three weeks. Under normal circumstances, I would not even consider asking you to share my life until we’d dated at least a year. But these are not normal circumstances. I can’t let you slip away because I’m too timid to speak up.” He smiled and squeezed her hand. “I’d like to marry you, Tatiana. We get along well together, and I believe we could make a match of it. I know this isn’t the grand passion for either one of us. We’ve had that in our first marriages. I know you don’t love me, nor I you, the way we should, but sometimes, other things are more important. Like our children. Steven needs a mother, and Irina needs a father.”
Relief flooded her. He didn’t expect tender words of love. She could promise to be friends. She nodded. “It is enough. I will care for Steven as I do Irina. We will have a good life.” The last words were spoken as much for her peace of mind as for Robert’s.
His shoulders relaxed, and he raised her hand to his lips. “When do you want the marriage to take place?”
She couldn’t think about Gabe now. His memory must fade; she would make it so by simply refusing to dwell on what might have been. She would soften Robert’s sternness, and they would be a happy family. “Let us wait until the week before my time is up. I will try to find a replacement until Martha is well.”
“Two weeks, then. We’ll go to the judge on Friday.” He leaned forward, and his breath grazed her cheek. Bending his head, he kissed her tentatively, then with a new possessiveness.
Tatiana tried to respond, but her heart was like lead in her chest. This was to be her life; she had better get used to it.
Robert’s somber expression was lit with a smile she’d never seen before, almost relief. Had he wondered if she would accept? Or was he as uncertain about their future as she was? But friendship was a good basis to build a marriage. It would have to be enough. But something in her soul still yearned for more—the strength and courage Gabe showed.
“What do you think about God, Robert?” She leaned her head against the back of the couch and stared at him intently. They had never discussed the subject. She’d been attending church with Gabe’s family, but she had never asked Robert to go. Having him and Gabe in the same room was hard on her.
He lifted an eyebrow. “Where did that question come from?”
“My Sergio, he was a believer. I used to think he was crazy. I do not know now.” Was he avoiding the question?
His gaze fell, and a nervous smile played around his lips. “Are you wanting a church wedding; is that what this is all about?”
Tatiana shook her head. “At New Life I have heard things. Things that make me wonder about God. Will we attend church as a family when we are married?”
“If you like. I’ve
never been a churchgoer myself, but I suppose it would be good for business, good for the children.” He tugged on his ear and looked away.
Good for business. Would God approve of a reason like that? She thought not. “I think I would like to go,” she said slowly.
He shrugged. “Whatever you want.”
She couldn’t have what she wanted. But maybe church would calm this restless yearning in her soul for something she didn’t understand. But it would need to be another church. She couldn’t bear to see Gabe every week. And her heart would break when he finally brought another woman to church. Just the thought of someone else receiving his tender gazes made her catch her breath in pain. She couldn’t be there to watch it.
She turned her thoughts away from that hurtful thought and smiled at Robert. “I must check the children.” Rising from the sofa, she went down the hall to Steven’s bedroom. Along the way, she saw the room she would share with Robert. It was as sterile and immaculate as the rest of the house. As cold and lonely as she felt inside. And she wasn’t likely to find anything more in this house.
twelve
Exhaustion slowed Tatiana’s steps as she waved good night to Robert and carried Irina toward the front door. The emotional upheaval had drained her energy. Only the entry light shone through the windows. The rest of the family must be in bed. She wanted to gather her thoughts before she told the Salingers about her impending marriage. Shifting Irina’s deadweight to her left arm, she fumbled at the door. It swung open, and she stumbled inside.
Gabe caught her as she almost fell. “Here, give me Irina.” His eyes were tender as he stared down at the sleeping child.
Tatiana shut the door and locked it. Her heart raced, and her mouth went dry. He would look into her eyes and know the truth. Could she even bear to tell him? Maybe she could make her excuses and hurry off to bed. Tomorrow would be soon enough.
Gabe was already carrying Irina up the stairs, and Tatiana lagged behind. Taking several deep breaths, she tried to wipe her face of all expression. If she could just get to her room alone, she would deal with all this tomorrow.
She flicked on the hall light and went to Irina’s room. Gabe had her shoes off and was rummaging in the dresser for her pajamas. Tatiana pulled her daughter’s jeans and shirt off, then popped her into the pink pajamas Gabe handed her. She heard him catch his breath, then go still.
He cleared his throat. “You’re wearing a ring.”
His expressionless voice caught at her heart. She pulled the covers up over Irina and turned to face him. Gabe was still staring at the engagement ring Robert had given her. It still felt odd on her hand, an extravagance she wasn’t used to.
“Robert will be a good husband,” Gabe said. A muscle twitched in his cheek. There was a hint of desperation in his voice as though he was eager to convince himself.
Tatiana nodded. “And Irina and I will stay in America.”
He took a deep breath that was almost a sigh. “When is the wedding?”
Didn’t he care at all? He seemed so passionless, so resigned. Was he relieved the responsibility for their well-being no longer fell on his shoulders? The thought hurt. She lifted her chin. If that was how he felt, she would make sure he never guessed at the way her heart ached.
“In two weeks. I would not leave your mother with no one to help. We must have time to find a replacement for me.”
He nodded. “Mother will appreciate that.”
Why didn’t he get angry, tell her she couldn’t marry someone else? Pain tore at her heart in a suffocating wave that threatened to drown her. He didn’t care. Not really. Tears burned at the back of her throat. He was attracted to her, but that was as far as it went.
“I must go to bed. I am very tired.” She started past him, but he put a hand on her arm.
“Are you very sure about this, Tat?”
The nickname wrenched her heart with pain. His fingers warmed her arm, but her heart was cold, as cold as tonight’s wind had been. “Very sure,” she said. “I must protect Irina.”
He just nodded as though that was the answer he expected. Dropping his hand, he thrust his fists into his pockets and turned toward the door. “If you ever need anything, I’m always here.”
She could never ask for anything from him. The only thing she wanted from him he couldn’t give. Angry words hovered just behind her lips, but she clamped them safely away. Uttering them would only cause both of them more pain. He would not change his mind. She could not change hers.
§
Tatiana tossed and turned most of the night. Doubt clutched her with uneasy fingers. What if this was a mistake? Maybe it would be better to just go back to Russia. But when she remembered how thin Irina had been when they came, she knew she could not take her daughter back to that. All she’d expected when she came was to find a kind man who would care for Irina. Robert was all those things. Mission accomplished. So, then, why did the victory taste like defeat?
The house was still dark when she rose. She pulled on a skirt and sweater, tied her hair back, and went downstairs to prepare breakfast. The aroma of fresh coffee wafted to her nose as she entered the kitchen. Grace, still in her gown and robe, sat at the kitchen table with a cup in her hands. An empty one was on the table.
“You are up early.” Tatiana’s gaze went to the empty cup. Gabe’s? She thought she caught the faint spice of his subtle cologne.
Grace’s gaze dropped to Tatiana’s hand. “Gabe told me your news. You’ll be leaving us soon.”
Her smile seemed forced to Tatiana. “Da.” She didn’t know what else to say but yes. Her stomach churned, and her chest felt heavy. The thought of leaving this place she’d come to love hurt more than she’d ever dreamed it would.
Grace stood and came to her side. She opened her arms, and Tatiana stepped into her embrace. “I love you like a daughter, Tatiana. I hope you’ll still bring Irina to visit us.”
Tears burned Tatiana’s eyes, and she struggled to contain them. She closed her eyes and hugged Grace with a fierce clutch. Her own mother had been dead for over ten years, and it felt good to know Grace felt so much love for her. It was like coming home. The thought of leaving this place of warmth and acceptance frightened her.
She pulled back and wiped her eyes. “I must fix breakfast. The men will be down soon.”
“Gabe is gone.” Grace patted her cheek and turned back to the table.
“So early?” Her heart sank. She wanted to treasure each meal, each moment with him before everything changed, but it was like trying to hold sand. Their time would slip away one grain at a time.
Grace was silent a moment, then cleared her throat. “He won’t be back for three weeks. He went to Europe.”
Shock held Tatiana immobile and numb. Gone? She would be married to someone else by the time he returned. There would be no good-bye, no hope of a last-minute reprieve. A black cloud of despair nearly buckled her knees.
“Eur–Europe?” she stammered. “Why?”
Grace took a sip of coffee. “He had some business contacts he’s been planning to see for some time. He’ll be traveling to several countries. But I believe the reason he left right now lies with that ring on your hand. He thought it would be easier on both of you if he was out of the picture.”
Tatiana nodded. “I see.”
“I thought you might.” Grace sighed. “I wish things had turned out differently, dear. I prayed so much.”
And what good had prayer done? She bit back the question. Prayer had not changed God’s mind about allowing Gabe to marry her. Questions flooded her thoughts, but she couldn’t ask any of them. The pain was too raw. Part of her was drawn to this God of Gabe’s, and part of her abhorred Him as the One who had ruined all her hopes and dreams.
She moved through the day in a haze of pain. Several times, Martha asked her sharply what was wrong with her that she was so fumble-fingered, but she made some excuse and got through her duties. Irina kept asking for “Daddy,” but Tatiana distracted her with
toys and her Barney video. She didn’t know how she was going to explain his absence to her daughter. Irina adored him, and her questions would soon turn insistent.
The house sparkled by the time she climbed the steps and went to bed. She lay awake a long time staring at the play of moonlight on her ceiling. Where was Gabe? Was he thinking of her? She didn’t dare to hope such a thing. He didn’t love her like she loved him, or he would not have been able to leave her. Tears leaked from her eyes and soaked her pillow.
Gabe didn’t want her, but Robert did. She would try to love him; she would try to forget this ache in her heart. Perhaps they would have more children. They hadn’t really discussed the possibility. She suspected Robert was mainly interested in a wife who cared for his house and his child rather than one who made demands like more children. The best she could hope for was kindness and compassion.
Sunday morning found her bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. She roused Irina and got her ready for church. She was tempted to stay home herself, but she knew Grace enjoyed her company. And some part of her was drawn to the messages she’d been hearing. She wasn’t ready to swallow the story of God’s love for her yet, but at least she admitted to a curiosity about it.
Mike had made his excuses again, and Martha was too tired, so it was just Grace, Tatiana, and Irina. Grace drove her Chrysler through town in silence. Tatiana had nothing to say, either. Everything had already been said. All the words in the world wouldn’t change things.
§
Somehow, she got through the next two weeks. Grace took her shopping and insisted on buying her a blue silk dress to wear to the wedding. She and Robert, along with Irina and Steven, were going to Walt Disney World on their honeymoon, and Grace bought her several outfits and five play sets for Irina, as well as some things for her new home.
She was seated on the sofa showing the blue and yellow kitchen towels to Robert when he frowned.
From Russia With Love Page 12