He takes a deep breath. Then it does. “He’s not the only one.”
If I get any happier, I’mma piddle all over the place too.
No one blushes like a redhead. Mark’s got a four-alarm fire blooming all over his face. “I hope you don’t mind me saying that.”
“No! No, I don’t mind at all. I was kinda hoping you would.”
“Really? I was hoping you would too.”
Wow, I’ve never seen someone look at me like that—like I’m an answer to a prayer. I could get used to it. “You too?”
“Me too.”
I’m pretty sure the dialogue in your average romance novel is way more inspired—not to mention coherent—but from where I’m sitting, talk is overrated.
A piercing giggle interrupts our soulful staring. “Daddy! You’re so funny!” Tina drums her tiny heels against his torso. “I’m hungry! Can we go home and have lunch now?”
Mark chucks his daughter under the chin. “You bet, honey. We’ll go home in a minute.”
Green eyes far too wise for their young years twinkle mischievously. “Can Peter come home with us too?”
Mark answers her while looking at me. “I don’t know, honey. I think that’s up to Peter. What do you say, Peter? Would you like to come home with us? For lunch?”
“Sure. At least you wouldn’t have to buy me a license.”
As jokes go, not one of my best. It’s hard to resist the impulse to kick myself in the ass while peeling my butt off the bench.
No need to worry. Mark thinks I’m funny. Or he’s being super polite. Either way, I’ll take the grin. And the man behind it. “One day at a time. But when it comes to licenses, I’m open.”
My turn to turn red.
Mark lowers his daughter to the ground and unhooks the leash around his waist. I watch him while he squats and fastens the business end to Bailey’s collar. “Where’s your leash?” he asks me after straightening up. “For that matter, where’s your dog?”
“I don’t have one.” I point toward Randi covertly spying on us from afar, giving me the thumbs-up the second she realizes I’m looking her way. Catch up with you later, girlfriend. Give you an earful. Good stuff, for a change. I hope. “But I’ve got a friend who does.”
“I see.” Mark takes his daughter’s hand. “Now you’ve got two.”
Oh, I hope so.
“Hope you like dogs.”
I’m grinning like a goon. Hope I don’t look like one. “Love ’em. Kids and dogs. Can’t get enough of ’em.”
He knows he’s caught me in another less than truth, but once again doesn’t seem inclined to hold it against me.
I could learn to love this man.
I think I already do.
Life’s funny, isn’t it? When I got up this morning, I was convinced all I had to look forward to was another empty day. Maybe that’s the way it started, but if you’d told me before it ended this was going to be the best day evah, I wouldn’t have believed you.
Possibly I spoke too soon. Without warning there’s a change in Mark. His smile, constantly sunny so far, dips down. There’s a shadow in his eyes, a haunting melancholy not there before. He blinks, takes a deep breath, and whatever was hurting his soul is gone. He smiles, and my world resumes spinning.
“I’m so very pleased to meet you, Peter. I can’t tell you how much.”
So much pain compressed in those few simple words. Must be one hell of a story behind them. Someday, I’m sure, he’ll tell me.
Just like we’ll talk about Wade when I’m ready.
Mark hunkers down and beckons to his daughter. “Come on monkey, mount up!”
With a shriek and a giggle, she clambers onto his back, little limbs wrapped around him, clinging to him like a ginger burr.
Daughter on board, leashed beagle dogging his steps, Mark takes a step forward. He halts, glances back over his shoulder, and holds out his hand to me. “Coming?”
Oh yes. As soon as I take care of one last piece of business.
Mark and his underage entourage wait patiently while I make a brief pilgrimage to the nearest trash can. I pitch the stethoscope into it sans ceremony or pity, turning my back and walking away without a shred of remorse or the slightest twinge of conscience.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. And fuck you too, Wade, wherever you are.
What’s gone before left in the past, I make my way back to him.
To them.
From now on, I’m viewing my future through ginger-tinged glasses.
I might even get a dog. Until I make up my mind, I’ll borrow his.
I fall into step beside Mark, our long strides lining up and syncing like we’ve been doing it forever. Bailey cavorts between us, long tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth. Mark’s hand in mine, the girl’s giggles delighting the air, the puppy prancing and full of the sheer joy of being alive, I feel a feeling I haven’t felt in so long I almost don’t recognize it at first.
Happy.
I feel happy.
I’m happy and I know it.
What I don’t know is where I’m going. But I’m not scared to go there.
Not with him.
“So, Peter, are you sure you’re not a doctor? Because you’ve sure made me feel better.”
“Nope. Never spent a day in medical school.”
“Okay. This friend of yours? The one you’re not going to see anymore? He a doctor?”
“No, but he likes to play one. When he’s not playing with your head.”
“I hear that. How about you?”
“Nah, I think I’m over the whole medical thing in general. The head games too. Pirates. Now we’re talking. Always wanted to be a pirate.”
“Really? I’m sorry to say my closet of costumes from Halloweens past doesn’t include pirate gear, but I’ve got a Batman costume that will knock your socks off….”
When Friendship Becomes More
SOPHIE BONASTE
To TJ and Eric—
Even though I’ve never personally met either one of you, your story has touched me in ways you’ll never know. Through Facebook and other media outlets, I’ve watched and waited for new posts with bated breath, hoping, along with everyone else in the M/M community, for good news. After all, you two deserve it.
As hard as this journey has been, the love you have shown throughout this entire ordeal has been nothing short of astonishing. I know your adventure is far from over and there will be many rough days ahead. But I honestly believe with every fiber of my being, the two of you will be fine. You WILL move past this and create the happy life that you both deserve, even if it’s not the one you imagined. After all, with so much love between you, how can you fail?
I wish you all the best as you move forward and become husband and husband. Stay strong and remember the love you share. Because while love may not be all you need, it’s the only reason to keep on living.
WHY WAS I doing this? Just because Roy asked Austin, Dylan, and me to come on this godforsaken trip didn’t mean I had to go. But in the three and a half years I’d been friends with these guys, we’d become inseparable. I couldn’t imagine being without at least one of them every day. We’d even taken to spending summers at school so we could be together.
It was hard to believe it had been more than three years since we met. We were all awkward kids when we first met at the Gay/Straight Alliance meeting on a rainy September day during freshman year. All of us had suffered some form of bullying because of our orientation when we were in high school, and the scars still showed when we first came to college. But the scars gave us something to bond over, and here we were during our senior year, tight as could be. I couldn’t even say no to spending two nights out in the woods, because I didn’t want to be alone. Of course that meant paying the consequences.
I had on the work gloves in my favorite color green that I had gotten for agriculture class in high school. I was lucky I had brought them to school and that I remembered to pack them in my overnight bag
. They were critical in protecting my manicure as I went to pick up sticks for the fire. When Roy first asked me to go get some wood, I thought it was pretty simple. Until I draped some of the wood over one arm, like a mother holds her baby. Of course, a baby doesn’t leave huge dirt marks on a designer long-sleeved T-shirt. I got the worst of the soil off, but I refused to let any more dirt touch my shirt. It wasn’t the most effective thing, grabbing one large stick, walking it back to the fire pit, and dropping it off before going back to get more, but it kept my clothes clean.
After a while, I fell into a groove, mindlessly picking up sticks, dropping them off, and repeating. It was almost calming amid the dirt and grime. At least until I felt a weird tingling on the back of my neck. It felt like someone was watching me. Turning, I saw Austin and Dylan smirking at me.
“What?” I asked. I looked down at myself, making sure I didn’t have any more dirt on me. I didn’t see any as I studied my size-zero skinny jeans and neon-pink shirt. My matching pink sneakers were probably ruined, but they were an old pair, so it was okay. I knew my nails were protected, and my blond, shoulder-length hair had enough product in it to keep the individual strands from moving under any circumstances. I couldn’t see my face, but I was really careful not to touch it, not wanting my skin to get messed up. Or the eyeliner around my green eyes to get smudged. I assumed I looked fine, though. So why the smirks?
“Oh, nothing,” Austin said, a joking tone in his voice. “Just watching you get in touch with your nature side.”
I snorted. “Please. I don’t have a nature side.”
“And that’s why it’s funny,” Austin concluded.
I put my gloved hands on my hips and stalked over to them. Austin and Dylan had a really close relationship, even within our tight group. They had a special bond over their love for all things science fiction. Their dorm room walls were covered in movie posters, and the bookshelves were lined with campy sci-fi movies and shows. It was way too nerdy for me. And the weird thing was, you would never peg them for nerds. Not with the way they looked. Austin was the taller and bulkier of the two, as he stood about six foot three and weighed two hundred fifty pounds. He might have been confused for a football player if it wasn’t for the lack of muscle and the outrageously dorky glasses that covered his blue eyes. Dylan was classically good-looking, with a lean body and subtle muscles. His short black hair and brown eyes only added to the charm that was Dylan.
“You guys need to grow up,” I said, going back to collect another stick.
“Aww. Come on, Jamie. Don’t be mad,” Austin said gently. “You do have to admit it is weird, what you’re doing.”
“But my shirt was getting dirty,” I said simply, knowing that would explain everything.
And it did. Austin just smiled and walked forward, drawing me into a hug. I snuggled against his chest, gently rubbing my face in his shirt.
“What’s going on here?”
I lifted my head off Austin’s chest and turned to see Roy standing in the clearing, holding the last of the bags from the SUV. Roy was the shortest among us, although he was a little chunkier, like Austin. He had bright brown eyes and brown hair that never seemed to be neat. Roy had no time for making things look good, but he was a wonderful man, very loyal to the people around him. Oh, and he loved all things related to the outdoors. Which was what led us out here in the first place. He thought the four of us out in the woods would be a great last hurrah before graduation in a month.
But what really confused me was how my roommate was looking at me. Roy was normally so laid-back, but now he looked angry. I couldn’t figure out what he could possibly be angry about. I got enough sticks for the fire. At least, I thought I did.
Before I could ask what was going on, Roy walked a little closer to the fire pit and dropped the two bags he was carrying without even looking at the nice pile of sticks I had collected. He just looked at me with a heat in his eyes that made my heart stop. Roy was really mad at me.
“I need to set up the tents. Austin, wanna help?” The tightness in his voice scared me a little bit.
“Sure,” Austin said as he let me go with one last squeeze.
As I watched Austin and Roy move to the other side of the clearing, I could only wonder what the fuck was going on. Why was Roy so mad? What did I do? And why didn’t he say anything to me? He was obviously ticked at me, but he didn’t say anything. How was I supposed to know what was wrong if he didn’t talk to me?
I turned to Dylan, but he was on the other side of the clearing getting some more firewood. I was alone. I didn’t do well alone.
Not knowing what else to do, I followed Dylan, since Roy didn’t seem to want me around. I looked down as I walked out of the clearing toward the tree line, trying to minimize the dirt marks on my shoes. Why was it so hard to have nice things?
“Dylan,” I called out once I was close enough.
“Yeah, Jamie,” he responded as he picked up another stick for the fire. I didn’t know why he needed the hundred sticks in his arms. I had clearly gotten enough. But there were more important things to deal with.
“What did I do wrong?”
Dylan stopped gathering firewood and looked at me. “What do you mean?”
“Roy’s angry at me, and I don’t know why. He was fine on the way up here. And we’re going camping just like he wanted. So why’s he mad at me?”
Dylan sighed and put the giant pile of sticks on the ground before walking over to me and wrapping me in a giant hug. Normally, I would have been very offended by his dirty arms surrounding me, but I was upset, dammit. I needed love more than I needed clean clothes. And wasn’t that a rare thing for me to say?
“It’s not you, hun. Roy just has some issues that he needs to work out.”
“You know what they are,” I accused without lifting my head off the strong chest.
“I know some stuff. Figured out the rest. I’m a psych student. I wouldn’t be very good at it if I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my best friend.”
“So what’s wrong with him?”
But Dylan just smiled and placed a kiss in my blond hair. “Sorry, Jamie, but he’s just going to have to tell you himself.”
I wasn’t surprised at Dylan’s answer. He always was a big believer in do-it-yourself self-improvement. He really was going to be a great psychologist.
The only problem was I had no idea how I was going to fix this.
The rest of the day passed without too much incident. Austin and Roy got the two tents set up. Austin and Dylan would share one, leaving me to room with Roy, as usual. I decided to wait until that night to talk to him, so we could have some privacy.
But as the sun faded, leaving only the fire and the stars to light our night, things between us seemed to go back to normal. Roy loosened up as the four of us sat around the fire, laughing at our exploits over the past three and a half years.
“I was convinced Mark was going to report the two of you for indecent exposure,” Roy said to Austin and Dylan through the tears of his laughter.
“I did too,” Austin said through his own laughter. “Of all the people to catch us having sex in the shower, it had to be the biggest prude in the dorms.”
We all laughed again, thinking about the incident from last spring. Austin and Dylan were too much like brothers to be boyfriends, but it was common knowledge that every once in a while they would use each other for a little relief.
“I’m still convinced he didn’t report us because he wanted to join in,” Dylan declared.
My jaw dropped at the confession. “Mark Blaumer? Gay?”
“Oh yeah.” Dylan nodded. “Total closet case.”
“No way! You’re making it up.”
“I am not! He’s gay.”
“After all the shit he gave us over the years?”
“Hey,” Austin interjected. “Denial is a powerful thing.”
I still didn’t believe it, but I wasn’t going to say anything more. Let them have their d
elusions.
“Shit, guys,” Dylan said after we’d all calmed down. “It’s after one in the morning. If we want to go hiking in the morning, we should probably go to sleep.”
I nodded with the rest of the group, even as the butterflies in my stomach woke up. I knew I needed to talk to Roy about all this. I couldn’t lose one of my best friends. But God, how I hated confrontation.
I worked slowly with the others, putting out the fire and turning on the few battery-operated lanterns and flashlights we had brought. Once everything was settled, I went to the green pop-up tent I was going to share with Roy.
Austin and Roy had already put my bag in the tent, so the first time I saw the inside was when I opened the flap to the inadequate dwelling. And all I could do when I saw it was sigh. The small six-foot-by-six-foot area was completely trashed. The sleeping bags had come unraveled and were lying in a disorganized pile on one side. Our bags were piled on the other side of the tent. But instead of just lying there, two of them had been unzipped, spilling their contents over the entire tent.
I let out an involuntary shiver at the mess our tent was in. I hated mess and disorder. It bothered me and my OCD mind. I was a firm believer that everything should have a place. But Roy was not that way. He made messes without even trying. I knew he didn’t try to be the most disorganized person in the history of the world, but it wasn’t something he could help.
I remembered when Roy and I had agreed to be roommates at the end of our freshman year. Dylan was torn between rooming with me or Austin, but eventually their common geek love won out, leaving me to room with Roy. Dylan said it was a recipe for disaster, the two of us rooming together—and that first week or so, I had to agree with him. Roy’s messy habits wreaked havoc on my world. I couldn’t stand how the mess on his side of the room was constantly coming over to my side.
But as tough as those first few weeks had been, I knew I wouldn’t want to room with anyone else. Just as Austin and Dylan had a special bond within our foursome, so did Roy and I. He was the sweetest man, always trying to make the people around him feel better. Not in an analytical way, like Dylan, but in a let-me-wrap-you-in-a-big-teddy-bear-hug way. He always made me feel better about who I was. Whenever I was having a problem, he was the first person I ran to. And he always did whatever he could to try to make me feel better. That was how we started to tolerate living together. He found out about my OCD and worked to be neater. He still wasn’t great, but we had reached some common ground.
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