“That sounds perfect,” I agreed, walking by Margo, squeezing her arm. She covered my hand with hers and then patted it quickly before I withdrew and started walking.
“Do you think Mommy can see me now?”
“Yes,” I said with certainty.
“If I write Santa, can he bring her back?”
“No. Santa can’t reach heaven. Only God can go there.”
“I don’t want to go see him at the mall, then, okay?”
“Okay.”
I walked on and she was quiet for a few minutes.
“It smells good outside, huh?”
“Yes, it does,” I agreed.
We both heard shoes hitting the pavement behind us, and then suddenly Wade was on my right.
“Hi, Uncle Wade,” Alice said quietly. “Do you want yogurt too?”
“I do,” he assured her as he put a hand on my back. I stopped in place. “And I wanted to talk to Kevin.”
“I like riding on Kevin. I never fall off his shoulders.”
“That’s because he has massive ones.”
“Does massive mean big?”
“Yes.”
She nodded and brushed the hair back from my face, holding it so she could examine my eyebrows. “How come the right one is broken?”
“I had stitches through it when I was little, and the hair never grew back,” I explained.
“It’s kinda neat.”
“I’m glad you think so.” I chuckled, turning my head to look at Wade.
He trembled ever so slightly and the thought hit me that here before me was my best friend and he needed me desperately. Things that had seemed so vital now paled in comparison. What was truly important hit me like a train: family, friends, little girls who had lost their mothers, that was what mattered, not my anger or frustration, not what I wanted.
I lifted my hand from Alice’s knobby knee and reached for him.
He took one step closer but it seemed as far as he could go.
“Come here,” I whispered.
My gentle demand prodded him to move. He lurched forward, pressed his cheek into my palm before he kissed it, then let me slide my hand around the back of his neck and pull him to me.
“If you could please just give me another chance,” he whimpered, arms wrapping around my waist, face pressed into the side of my neck. “I just need—”
“Yesterday this thing… between us… mattered,” I husked into his hair, his face in my hand before I eased back, wanting him away from me before I kissed him. “But not today, not anymore.”
“It does still matter,” he clarified, his eyes swimming with tears, “because you’re talking about my whole life. What’s gone is the distance you forced on us.”
“Wade––”
“Right?” he asked, his voice so hopeful.
“Yes,” I agreed, because it was true. I didn’t feel the same. Everything was different.
“Okay,” he said, twisting free of my hand, then pushing back in close, wrapping his arms around my waist.
I didn’t know what to do.
He gave me all his weight, leaning heavily. Holding on and having him in my arms felt too good to stop. I registered a moment later that he was softly weeping.
“It’s gonna be okay, Uncle Wade,” Alice crooned, petting him. “When you stop crying, can we go get my yogurt?”
She was six, it was all about her and there was something so comforting about that.
“I need to talk to you later,” he whispered as he eased back.
“Whatever you want,” I promised.
“I want you to stay here with me.”
And I would, because whatever feelings I had about him and me had drowned under a deluge of sadness and loss and reality. I didn’t want space between us anymore—it was a waste of time and I had been given a hard lesson in priorities. I needed to see him and listen.
WE WENT to a small park after we had yogurt, and Alice got to swing with some other kids while Wade and I sat across from each other at a picnic table and watched.
“So?” I said, keeping her in my sight line. “Tell me what happened.”
He raked his fingers through his thick hair like he did when he was upset, and lifted his red-rimmed, tear-swollen eyes to gaze at me. “It’s a fuckin’ mess.”
I had no doubt.
“Did you know she and Tom were separated?”
“No,” I sighed. “She never mentioned it when we talked.”
He nodded. “Yeah, well, they were, but even though Tom moved out, they were supposed to be working things out.”
“But?”
“Georgia was trying, but Tom wasn’t,” he explained, voice quavering. “He, in fact, had a new woman in his life. Lauren Ralston.”
“Why do I know that name?”
“She’s in the news a lot, doing shit for the city, donating something or other. She’s a fuckin’ heiress to some big candy corporation. Georgia told me she knew Tom would love that, being a kept man, since he’d never been one for any real work.”
“Sure,” I agreed, not wanting him to stop.
“So while Georgia’s trying to keep her marriage together, Tom’s planning on getting a divorce. He finally ’fessed up when she followed him out to Napa to some fancy bed and breakfast on Friday and confronted him in the lobby as he and Lauren were leaving.”
I could only imagine how hurt and humiliated she must have been.
“Fuck, Kev,” Wade said, exhaling sharply, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. “She called me and left a message because she knew I was in class. I mean, I put my phone on silent during the day because––” He choked. “I––”
“Stop,” I ordered, my tone hard. “She didn’t call the school. If she had interrupted class, you would have dropped everything and gone to her. But she didn’t, so she must have been okay then. She was never like that, she was never a martyr. When she needed something, she asked. I loved that about her. She was always so honest.”
He nodded quickly.
“So you gotta let that go. No more second-guessing yourself or what you ‘should’ve’ done. That choice wasn’t there.”
“Yeah,” he admitted, taking a quick shuddering breath before he plowed on. “On her voice mail she was bawling but laughing at the same time. She said she and Tom had it out in front of God and the whole world.”
Thinking of her laughing made me smile just for a moment. She had always been able to see the absurdity in most situations, and I could imagine her telling her brother about her latest adventure.
“She said she’d call me later and I could take her for a steak or something, so I thought––she sounded good, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“But from what the police said when they talked to the staff, Tom chased her outside, and they had a shouting match and it escalated from there. Everyone said how cold Tom was and how sad Georgia was, just in tears, and then she drove away really fast.”
I had to hear it all, and more importantly, he needed to tell me. “Go on.”
“So Tom jumped in his car and went after Georgia, and I guess, from what he told the police, she was just flying down the road and he was trying to call her and she wouldn’t pick up—” His breath hitched, voice cracking. “––and she was supposed to make a left onto 29 South, but she was going too fast, and it was pouring.”
I knew exactly where she’d been.
“I mean, we’ve been there together, you and me, me and her, we’ve all driven that road and there’s nothing difficult about the merge, but….” His eyes locked with mine and I saw the pleading in his gaze. He needed me to make it all a big mistake. “She was going so fast and it was raining so hard.”
“And crying,” I added.
“Yeah,” he muttered. “All that.”
“Finish,” I prodded gently.
He took a deep breath. “The car rolled five times; she was pronounced dead at the scene.”
“Jesus,” I groaned, reaching out and grabbing his ha
nd tight. “I’m so sorry.”
He nodded, covering our clasped hands with his other. “Me too.”
After a few minutes of silence, him pulling himself together, me thinking about all the what-ifs, I asked the question. “So, what now?”
His tears made his dark blue eyes glimmer. “Now there’s decisions to be made.”
I waited.
“You ready?”
“For what? None of the decisions are mine.”
“Oh, the hell they’re not.”
I was so confused.
He cleared his throat. “When my sister and Tom separated, she changed her will.”
“Changed her will how?”
“Georgia changed where Alice would go if something ever happened to her.”
“She’ll go to Tom.”
“No.”
“No?”
He let go of my hand, walked around the table, and sat down beside me. “I guess Georgia asked Al who she wanted to live with if anything happened to her.”
“Seriously? Who asks a six-year-old that?” But truthfully, I knew the answer. Wade’s little sister Georgia was a headstrong, wild spirit. It made sense that she would give her daughter the same consideration her parents had always given her.
“Come on.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said with a grunt. “The second it was out of my mouth, I knew better.”
His eyes glinted when he smiled. “She was insane.”
“In a good way,” I reminded him.
“Yeah,” he husked.
“Okay,” I said, clearing my throat. “So, who gets Alice?”
He turned from looking at his niece to me. “It’s you.”
I stared at him. “What?”
“Alice picked you, and Georgia put that in her will.”
“No.” I was stunned.
“Oh yes.”
“Yeah, but in all seriousness, Tom will get her.”
“He doesn’t want her.”
“What?”
“He messengered papers over this morning. That’s why Margo was here. She was trying to tell us that she and her folks still wanted Alice even if Tom didn’t.”
“You’re serious?”
“I am.”
“Why wouldn’t Tom want his kid?”
“Well, before, he was planning to divorce Georgia and make a new start with his girlfriend, and now I’m sure he feels so guilty that he can’t even bear to look at Alice.”
“Are you fucking with me?”
He shook his head. “He made provisions for Alice. There’s a trust, but… he’s washing his hands of her.”
“Poor kid, to lose her mother and her father in one day––fuck.”
“Tom’s been out of the picture for a while.”
“Yeah, but it’s different now,” I said, my voice ragged with sadness. “Why would he leave his daughter?”
“I don’t know, and honestly I don’t give a shit. He’s gone, that’s all I care about.”
“Whaddya mean gone?”
“He left with Lauren last night for Paris. He’s out of the country.”
“Holy shit.”
“That’s about it.”
“His parents can contest it.”
“Not with him leaving and the legal papers all drawn up. All of this is six months old.”
I shifted on the bench to face him. “She made me guardian while I was gone?”
“Yeah. Apparently Georgia told Alice that if anything happened to her, you would never be gone again.”
“So why would Margo come to talk to your folks about getting Alice back if I’m Alice’s guardian?”
“Because she assumed that they’d go to court to get custody from you.”
“They don’t have to. I’ll sign Alice over to—”
“No, you won’t.”
I stood up. “Have you lost your mind? Of course I’ll—”
“No,” he snapped, getting to his feet and taking my face in his hands. “You’ll give me joint custody, and we’ll raise Alice together, you and me. It’s what my parents want.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Don’t you get it? This is what Georgia wanted. If she couldn’t be here, who else but you would she want guarding her daughter, protecting her daughter for the rest of her life? She always called you her—”
“Guard dog,” I whispered.
He nodded, staring up into my eyes. “Yeah.”
“But she loved you more.”
“And this was her forcing my hand, forcing me to say what I should have the day my divorce was final.”
“I—what?”
“That I have been in love with you, Kevin Chaney, since I was thirteen years old. I was just too stupid to know it.”
I couldn’t breathe.
He brushed his thumbs over my cheeks as he held my gaze and smiled. “You know, I was coming to talk to you because I finally was ready to hear no. I was so afraid before, and when you found me kissing that guy at my house—it’s stupid, but I was checking to see: am I gay for everyone or just Kevin?”
I didn’t want to interrupt him, just wanted him to keep talking.
“And so, yeah,” he said hoarsely, stepping closer, “it’s just you. Always has been, always will be.”
Worst day of my life and best day of my life all together. I had to sit again.
“I’m sorry,” he said, standing over me as I flopped down on the bench. “It’s a lot to take in, and my timing is shitty.”
He turned to go, but I was faster. I had my hand wrapped tight around his wrist before he could take a step away.
“Kev?” he asked breathlessly.
“Don’t you ever fuckin’ leave me,” I growled.
His eyes were huge and round when my gaze flicked up to meet his.
“Did you hear me?”
He nodded, fast.
“Then sit down.”
Moving quickly, he sat down close, crowding against me, his hand gripping the inside of my thigh as he wedged his shoulder against mine.
“How long have you wanted me?” I asked.
“Since I was thirteen,” he said, watching Alice, his eyes on her but his focus on me. “I thought I explained that already?”
“You married Anne.”
“I loved Anne. Still do, she’s one of my best friends. And I thought marrying a woman would give me all the things I wanted.”
“Home. Kids. Stuff like that.”
“Yes.”
“But it didn’t.”
“Because I wasn’t happy. You can’t live half a life, Kev, and now I know that.”
I lifted my hand and put it on his back, gently, reverently, knowing that under the leather jacket and heavy wool sweater was smooth, sleek skin that I really wanted to touch.
“It was stupid to not go directly to you the second the divorce was final, but I was scared too. What if you didn’t want me? You’re my best friend; I didn’t want to lose you. It’s scary to know when you should look and when you should just leap.”
“I know.”
“And then you walked in that night and found me kissing that guy, and it was an experiment, but how horrible would that have sounded?”
He was right.
“I had to know if I should start dating or simply lie in wait for you.”
“What was your conclusion?”
His gaze moved from his niece and met mine. “That waiting on you was my only option.”
“I left because I thought you didn’t want me.”
“You communicate for shit.”
“You’re no better.”
He nodded. Then he looked back toward Alice, and she was suddenly there, right there, in front of him. She startled both of us.
“I had no idea you could move that fast,” Wade teased.
“Or that quiet,” I chimed in, scowling at her.
Her fingers were laced together, her eyes were wide, almost hopeful, and the smile was disconcerting. It was her mother’s
mischievous grin curling the daughter’s lips, and for a moment, she took my breath away. God, she was going to be stunning, and a handful.
“Uncle Wade, are you going to kiss Kevin?”
“What?” he gasped, obviously surprised by the question.
She looked like she was positively thrumming with anticipation. “Mommy said I could live with Kevin if she went to heaven, and she said that you could stay too, but you had to kiss him.”
“Your mother…,” he rasped, because there was so much to say. “Your mother.”
She swallowed hard. “Will you read to me tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Will we sleep here or at Kevin’s house or at your new house?”
“You have a new house?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said pointedly, speaking to both Alice and me at the same time. “I was looking for a fresh start, and so I bought a home in Pacific Heights. It’s a chateau style, and there’s lots of room for the three of us.”
Alice clapped her hands and lunged at her uncle, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing tight.
“I can visit,” I told him. “You keep her with you and—”
“No,” he said huskily. “This is not something that was forced on me; I’m ready for my life to start with you. I was coming to get you anyway, Kevin. At this point, right now; you would have been mine.”
He was so matter-of-fact.
“You would have said no to me?” His cobalt eyes were locked on my face, and I found that for all my bravado and repression and stiff upper lip, I just wanted him. He was always supposed to belong to me.
“No. I would have said yes. It was always yes.”
He leaned forward with Alice in his arms, slid a hand across my cheek, and plastered his mouth to mine, his lips parting the second they made contact.
Finally.
Epilogue
HE WAS right: the house was gorgeous, and there were no bad memories there, nothing but new everything everywhere I looked. And that fast, it felt like home after just one evening, because Wade was making grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner and Alice was sitting in the reading nook looking out at the lights of the city. She had explained that she wanted her room just like it had been, except with a picture of Mommy on the nightstand by her bed.
We could do that.
She was so brave and hopeful. Wade promised her a puppy; I agreed to take her to the zoo on Monday morning. We were all playing hooky, her from school, me from crime, Wade from the auction house where he worked as an appraiser. That night in bed, he was lying beside Alice, reading, and when I leaned into the room to check on them, he threw back the cover on the queen-size bed. I walked around to the side, padding across the floor in my bare feet, to slide in next to him.
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