by Ian Doescher
For I compos’d an epic’s worth of lines
Unto the ladies pornographical
From distant lands I never knew existed.
O Aphrodite, why won’t she love me?
I sent her every token that I own’d!
DONNISON
My poems, brother, also speak of her!
Thy lady is the object of my verse—
The lady who shall love the eldest son!
ERICSON
The lady who shall save his younger kin!
DONNISON
The lady who shall tame my fervent heart!
ERICSON
The lady who shall quench my burning flame!
DONNISON
Be joyful, then, for ’tis a sign!
ERICSON
—O…brother.
Could we two dolts be any more pathetic?
DONNISON
Behold the sons of powerful MacTrump—
We are but lovesick pups in need of care.
ERICSON
How can it be that neither of us have
Found someone who shall love us in return?
Yea, love is an elusive woolly mammoth.
’Mongst ladies I conduct myself correctly;
I follow Father’s adage: “Grab them by the—”
DONNISON
O, purse thy lips, I too am such a stud!
I rival Priapus; yet I’ve no love.
Belike ’tis politics that ruins ladies,
And makes them frigid unto kindly men:
They either speak too much of girly rights,
Or prattle on about inequity.
ERICSON
Or dress in pantsuits built to choke men’s loins.
DONNISON
Or some foul combination of those three.
ERICSON
Sage words, wise brother, thou hast reason’d well:
Thou couldst a spokesman be for ladyhood,
Since thou dost understand them utterly.
DONNISON
Perchance, young Ericson, this dialogue
We two have shar’d may change our very lives.
Both thou and I are sick for love, ’tis so?
ERICSON
Indeed.
DONNISON
—Yet for some cause beyond all sense—
And though we conquer elephants aplenty,
And slay rhinoceroses by the crash,
And overcome e’en lions by our pride,
And now our father claims the highest office,
Which shall, in time, be ours by ev’ry right—
We somehow have not captur’d lasses’ hearts.
ERICSON
Indeed!
DONNISON
—Then let us, brother, now resolve
To find two ladies we may overcome.
We’ll undertake our greatest conquest yet!
There’s much we two deserve—the world entire—
But loneliness is not our heritage.
If Father can trap not one wife—not two,
But three!—then there are ladies plentiful
For Donnison and Ericson to mount
Upon our walls, the trophies of our hunt!
ERICSON
There are, and we shall have them for ourselves.
DONNISON
The hunt begins, and we are ably arm’d!
ERICSON
My thanks, kind brother, for thy rousing words.
DONNISON
Come, let us seek some ladies in their herds!
[Exeunt.
SCENE 4.
The Montothello Memorial.
Enter LADY NANCY PROSPEROSI in a blue winter cloak, holding her war hammer. Marble columns surround the temple. At its center, a bronze colossus stands with its eyes fixed on the White Hold across the Tidal Pool. The sound of footsteps is heard.
PROSPEROSI
Who cometh? Whether thou be friend or fiend,
I bid thee speak thy name and show thy face!
Enter SENATOR CHARLES SOOTHER.
SOOTHER
Bestill your hammer, Lady Prosperosi.
’Tis but an old and chummy colleague who
Doth burn with questions and shall warm to answers
On this unhappy winter’s night.
PROSPEROSI
—My friend,
I bless thee. Do the other senators
Know of this midnight conclave that was call’d?
SOOTHER
’Tis just the Democrati tried and true;
The rest are waiting in the wings—they hope
And pray MacTuttle somehow grows a soul.
PROSPEROSI
My colleagues in the chamber south feel likewise—
They weep for thee and for the future ta’en
When Judge Garlando had his seat denied.
No more with tears; the time for action comes.
I trust thy former lord chose these environs?
SOOTHER
In faith, Herr Reid did not. Indeed, methought
A secret session had been call’d to order
When I receiv’d the instant message from
A secret sender yet unknown to me.
PROSPEROSI
As did I, too, but if it was not sent
By neither he nor thou, who is our host?
SOOTHER
Aye, there’s the rub.
[A clock strikes.
PROSPEROSI
—The time doth turn past midnight.
This day of darkness finisheth at last.
SOOTHER
One day down, seventy-three score to go.
[Footsteps are heard from all around.
Dost thou hear that?
[Prosperosi and Soother take defensive positions at each other’s backs.
PROSPEROSI
[to the darkness:] —Take heed, approaching villains!
We are the Democrati, who fear naught
But fear itself!
SOOTHER
—Hear, hear! We’re not afeard!
The bells go silent. Enter two DEMOCRATI SENATORS.
PROSPEROSI
My noble sirs, good even to you.
SENATOR 1
[bowing:] —Ma’am.
SOOTHER
Are you alone, or are there others?
SENATOR 2
—Yea—
Enter other DEMOCRATI SENATORS.
PROSPEROSI
Say, is this ev’ryone? Have all arriv’d?
Enter SENATOR BERNICARUS.
BERNICARUS
Nay, ’tis not, and I’ll tell thee swiftly why:
This whole clandestine system hath been rigg’d!
It was design’d by folks like thee to keep
True workhorses like me out of the race!
SOOTHER
My friend, I did invite thee to this conclave.
BERNICARUS
Yet not to lead it! Thou hast come to be
Too out of touch withal the hoi polloi.
I give no speeches unto Golden Sacks
Or to—
PROSPEROSI
—Bernicarus! Decorum, please.
BERNICARUS
Who gave thee charge?
SENATOR 3
—Respect our honor’d sister!
The meeting breaks into an argument, which is interrupted by a whistle. Enter MCTWEET from atop the bronze statue, holding a scrap of paper.
MCTWEET
[reading:] “Birds of a feather should make flock together.”
&nbs
p; That was address’d to all of you, no doubt.
Good Master Soother, Lady Prosperosi,
Ye senators and parliamentarians—
I have a new group message for you all
From he, your former liege, Banquo O’Bama.
SOOTHER
O’Bama plann’d this? Wherefore knew we not?
MCTWEET
It was a private group.
PROSPEROSI
—Bird, share his tweet.
[McTweet unrolls a scroll of parchment.
MCTWEET
The message reads, “The writing’s on the wall.”
[McTweet puts the note away.
PROSPEROSI
And?
MCTWEET
—And “The End.”
SOOTHER
—Yet is there nothing more?
MCTWEET
My use agreement, sir, doth not permit
Me to uncover further information.
[Exit McTweet.
BERNICARUS
That message was unhelpful in the height!
I e’er was disappointed in O’Bama.
He was a bogus Democrato.
SENATOR 3
—Cease!
I understood the meaning of the message,
Which is more literal than metaphor—
We must seek something written on the walls.
SENATOR 4
’Tis far too dark.
SENATOR 5
—Hath anyone some flint?
SENATOR 2
I have a stick.
SENATOR 3
—Here’s flint.
PROSPEROSI
—Then gather round.
[Prosperosi strikes the flint with her hammer, creating sparks. The torch ignites, illuminating the temple.
SOOTHER
A sight for sore eyes, by my troth.
SENATOR 3
—Indeed!
BERNICARUS
Behold: the first time in my life I’m speechless.
[The Democrati look at the golden lettering covering the walls of the temple.
SENATOR 3
[reading:] “We hold these truths to be self-evident
That all men are created equal”—men!—
“They are endow’d by their Creator with
Inalienable rights—’mong these are life
And liberty, pursuit of happiness—
That to secure these rights have governments
Been instituted in the midst of men…”
SENATOR 4
Pray, stop thy reading there. I would not hear
Of governments rul’d o’er by men right now.
SENATOR 5
Yet ’tis our Declaration!
SOOTHER
—Let it be—
Thou takest on a losing fight, my friend.
BERNICARUS
[reading:] “Almighty God created the mind free.”
Yea, free of ruggèd, independent thought,
If thou ask’st me.
PROSPEROSI
—Nobody asketh thee.
BERNICARUS
And yet ’tis why I spake! For someone must
Admit that independent thought hath died—
’Tis how MacTrump purloin’d the presidency!
SENATOR 1
’Tis not God’s fault thou grow’st more narrow-minded.
A noble Democrato would concede
The race on Super Tuesday, saving face.
Of course, thou art no Democrato true.
BERNICARUS
Forsooth. I’ll be goddamn’d before I join
Thy party!
PROSPEROSI
—Pray, Bernicarus, be silent!
BERNICARUS
’Twas he made mention of the primaries.
Shake thou thy silly hammer in his face!
I shall have done with this assembly here;
I’ve neither time nor state of mind. Call me
The next time ye elect some crookèd witch.
PROSPEROSI
Bernicarus, hold thou!
BERNICARUS
—Nay, I shall fly!
[Bernicarus stomps away. Soother stops him.
SOOTHER
Pray sir, Bernicarus, a word?
BERNICARUS
—Not now.
My temper doth o’erwhelm my skill with words.
SOOTHER
Then listen to me, brother. I pray—nay,
I dream—perchance, the day will sometime dawn
When bolder Democrati shall elect
Another woman as their champion,
Or else a man not born of our own race,
Or an adherent to another faith,
Or still another choice that is not thee—
That thou shalt offer more than muted lips
And shirk’d support for weeks and months on end,
That thou shalt keep misgivings in thy breast,
And, gracious in defeat, thou’ll knowest that
To quit the stage with grace and dignity
Is, of all things, the utmost difficult.
BERNICARUS
My friend, an agèd man’s a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
His soul doth clap its hands and sing, and louder
For every tatter in its mortal dress.
This one I’ve worn for threescore-fifteen years,
Three quarters of a century’s expanse.
’Tis far too late for me, Bernicarus,
To forfeit any shred of soul I have.
A wasted life is not worth living, friend,
A wasted cause not worth defending, either.
So, brother, please, I pray thou wilt permit
Me, at the end, to shuffle off life’s stage
In th’manner that shall do the greatest good.
[Exit Bernicarus.
SOOTHER
[to all:] Our brother passes, and so doth the hour.
Have we drawn nearer to discovering
The writing that O’Bama referenc’d?
PROSPEROSI
Nay. Naught appeareth to have written been
As an addendum.
SOOTHER
—I allot my time
To anyone who wishes to make known
Their honest thoughts of President MacTrump.
SENATOR 1
In that case, I believe he is a bastard
Who driven is by greed and blind with lust.
SENATOR 3
I say his lust makes him an easy mark
For enemies abroad who own his all.
SENATOR 4
I fear the safety of th’United Fiefdoms
And for our allies kind, both near and far.
SENATOR 2
Methinks he is our foulest president,
As passing racist as his ties are long.
SENATOR 5
He is a symptom of the ills that ail
This nation rather than its leading cause.
MacTuttle rules our chamber cruelly
And any sense of compromise is gone.
If government demands two active parties
And only one doth undertake the work,
Then we are like a cart with half a horse.
SENATOR 1
He is the vilest fiend to haunt this land
Since pass’d the darkest days of old Jim Crow.
The man did slight our former lord O’Bama
With the selfsame perverted energy
As shows a Klansma
n at a public lynching.
His faith is faker than his golden hair,
And his alliance with the Christian right
Doth frighten me e’en as if Lucifer
Climb’d up from hell to conquer heaven with
A wooden ladder form’d of crucifixes.
SENATOR 3
I would hear Prosperosi speak her mind.
SOOTHER
[to Prosperosi:] Bold Madam Speaker?
PROSPEROSI
—Pray, name me not that.
Not yet, at least, until I do deserve’t.
We know the oaths that we have taken, friends:
“Support, yea, and defend our Constitution
From enemies both foreign and domestic.”
If, then, MacTrump be principal among them,
It is our charge to see him punishèd
Unto the fullest measure of the law—
Which meaneth, simply put, by legal means.
SENATOR 2
If thou dost mean impeachment, then thou mayst
Give him thy hammer. Thou didst not impeach
When George the Lesser was in office, nay!
So wherefore should we think thou wilt pursue
Such justice in this case?
PROSPEROSI
—Impeachment is
Not in our arsenal, just isn’t worth it.
If, soon, Dogcomey and the Deaf Beehive
Start buzzing much too closely to MacTrump,
The fool will swat him, which will then unleash
Each faithful agent in the hornet’s nest.
SENATOR 2
Canst thou so quickly set aside impeachment,
Which may yet prove our only remedy?
And settest thy reliance on Dogcomey,
The mangy dog who doomed Hillaria?
Dogcomey’s guilty as Putain the Prussian!
PROSPEROSI
Impeachment for its own sake isn’t wise—
It is no remedy, unless removal
Doth follow on, which takes the Northern Chamber.
’Til public outcry move th’Republicons,
Impeachment is a sport, and nothing more.
I do not trust Dogcomey any more
Than I may trust MacTrump to rule by law.
Yet, still, there is no table big enow
For these two men to share. Pray, mark my words:
Dogcomey or MacTrump cannot both stand—
One domino shall cause the other’s fall.
SENATOR 2
That soundeth optimistic to mine ears.
The Constitution was not written with
The notion that th’imperfect Deaf Beehive
Would check and balance presidential pow’r.
That charge belongs unto the Parliament,
And it is lost to us. Our allies have
Grown fewer and still weaker ev’ry year.
We pride ourselves on our diversity,
Yet our divisions lead to nasty schisms