by E. L. Todd
A second later, I heard footsteps from inside the room. Then the door clicked audibly.
I immediately stepped inside and finally relaxed once I was alone with her. But the pained look on her face made me want to walk right back out.
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me like she wasn’t afraid of anything I had to say. She held her head high like I couldn’t hurt her. It reminded me of a warrior on the field of battle. She was scared but she refused to show it. “What?” She wore a long t-shirt with no bottoms. Her legs were bare but I knew it wasn’t the time to look.
“I wanted to explain what Axel was talking about.”
“I don’t care, Hawke. Your personal life is none of my business.” The tone of her voice sounded like she was being sincere. The look on her face even seemed genuine. But I knew that wasn’t how she felt. She just gave me something so deep and personal, and she would have every right to be mad if she thought I had a serious girlfriend.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“There’s nothing I hate more than a liar.” Her eyes glowed with ferocity. “You were upfront with me about what you wanted, and I respected that. But to go back on your word and come in here and lie to my face is unacceptable. I don’t tolerate bullshit.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I repeated. “Give me five minutes to explain.”
She shifted her weight and continued to glare at me.
I assumed that meant I had the floor. “I went out with Axel a few weeks ago and he wanted to hook up with some girls. When I said I wasn’t interested, he kept pressuring me. When I flat out said no, he grew suspicious. He assumed I had a girlfriend because it was the only way to explain my behavior. I went along with it just so he would get off my back.”
Francesca didn’t drop her guard. “If you don’t have a girlfriend, why did you say that?”
She really needed to ask? “Because I didn’t want to hook up with anyone.”
“And why didn’t you want to do that?”
I bowed my head and tried to think of an appropriate response. “Isn’t it obvious?” My voice came out quiet and broken. I didn’t know how to handle this situation because I hadn’t thought it through. I wanted everything with her. But I still wasn’t sure if I could give it to her.
Her shoulders finally relaxed and the fire in her eyes turned to a smolder.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a long time…since before you stayed with me.”
“Why?” She searched my eyes for a response.
“I just don’t want to.” I knew it wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was all I could give her.
Her eyes didn’t blink as she watched me.
“I just didn’t want you to think I told you I didn’t do the girlfriend thing then turned around and did it behind your back. The last thing I would ever do is lie to you. You know that.”
She nodded slightly.
“This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had and…” I wanted to say so much more but I didn’t know how. If I did exactly what I wanted, I might hurt her more. There were times like this when I thought this could work. But then I remembered why it couldn’t. I was a monster. Actually, I was the devil. “I want you to know that.”
“It’s been a nice Christmas for me too.” She seemed slightly disappointed like I hadn’t said exactly what she wanted to hear. But she seemed relieved that I didn’t tell her I would never be serious with her then end up with someone else. I needed her to understand that would never happen—unless it was with her.
I stepped closer to her and my hands moved to her hips. Her shirt bunched up in my grasp and lifted from her hips slightly. Every part of my body wanted to have hers. I craved her in a way I never had before. It was like I was made just to be with her. Somehow, I found the strength to remain platonic. “Are we okay?”
She nodded.
“Can I sleep with you?”
She debated it for a moment, the thoughts swirling in her mind. “As long as you go back to your room before everyone wakes up.”
I smiled for the first time that day. “Thank you.”
Uncertainty
Francesca
I’ve never been so damn confused in my life.
Hawke and I had come to a roadblock that stopped both of us in our tracks. I’d come to realize that whatever was going on between us wasn’t entirely friendly. When I thought he had a girlfriend…it broke my heart.
On our first date, I immediately knew I wanted a second one. That hardly ever happened to me. Normally, I wanted the date to end because the guy was boring or just obnoxious. I’ve never wanted to sleep with a guy as much as I did with Hawke. The fact I wanted everything and Hawke only wanted meaningless sex was the biggest disappointment of my life.
If he found some other girl that changed his view on that, it would wound me beyond words. I would wonder why he wanted her and not me. It would break my heart into infinite pieces. The one-night stands he had bothered me, but since they were meaningless and quickly forgotten¸ I tried not to think about it.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved when he clarified everything.
After we came home from the holidays, I got back into my former groove. I worked a lot more because school hadn’t started yet. Hawke and I hadn’t seen each other as often as we used to. It seemed like he was avoiding me, but I wasn’t sure why.
Over the holidays, Hawke and I had become closer. Everything changed after I witnessed what happened with his mother. We’d always been close, best friends, but that brought us to a whole new level.
I couldn’t picture myself with anyone else but him. I’d tried dating but it didn’t go anywhere. All I could think about was Hawke and what he was doing while I sat across the table from some guy. I hadn’t slept with anyone even though I was going through a dry spell because I felt too guilty. How could I sleep with someone but think about someone else? And I didn’t want to hurt Hawke. Somehow, I knew it would break him.
It was becoming more obvious that Hawke and I were supposed to be together. I didn’t believe in fate or destiny, none of that bullshit, but there was definitely something holding us together. He tried to resist it and so did I, but nothing worked.
He knew how I felt. I’d wanted a relationship from the beginning, and I refused to settle for being his fuck buddy. Sometimes, I wish I had because we could have developed our relationship that way. But I also knew it would have hurt me a lot to give myself to him knowing he would never give me anything back. With a friendship, I got a lot more.
I knew Hawke wanted something more. But wanting and giving were two different things. Something was holding him back, and I wasn’t sure what it was. I would ask, but that would lead to a conversation he might not be ready for.
I would just have to wait.
***
I was having a really good dream when my phone vibrated on my nightstand.
Are you awake?
Only Hawke could pull this act. If it were anyone else, I would tell him not to text me in the middle of the night ever again and just let me get some sleep. But I lived for these midnight messages. It always resulted in sleeping together until the sun rose the next morning.
And that was never a bad thing. Coming.
Get dressed.
Get dressed? He’d never said that to me before. Why?
Just do it.
This was going to be an interesting night. I changed into jeans and a sweater before I walked outside.
He was standing at the end of the porch, his hands in his pockets. The houses were covered with frost, and his breath came out as vapor. He turned around when I opened the door. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans.
“You want to come inside?”
“No. Come with me.” He was particularly bossy this evening.
“Why?”
“Just do as I say.” He wasn’t himself at all. He was intimidating and threatening. It was like he didn’t want to be there at all.
�
�You know how well that goes…”
He stared at me with a look that said, “Not tonight.”
I sighed and locked the door before I got into his truck and sat beside him.
He pulled onto the road and drove slowly across the frozen streets.
“Where are we going?”
“My apartment.”
“Why didn’t you just ask me to come over?”
He kept his eyes glued to the road. “I didn’t want you driving down the icy streets half asleep.”
“I’m a good driver.”
“I’m a better one.” He gripped the steering wheel and didn’t turn on the radio.
“Are you mad at me or something?” Why was he being so hostile?
“No.”
“Then why are you being a dick right now?”
“Because I’m a dick.”
“Not to me.”
He finally looked at me.
I held his gaze and tried to read his thoughts through his eyes.
He turned away before I could see anything.
We arrived at his apartment then walked inside. I was glad to be out of the chilly nighttime air and inside his place. I didn’t handle the cold well, not dressed like this at least.
Hawke locked the door then stood still. His hands were in his pockets and he wasn’t looking at me.
He’d never behaved this way before. It was like I was standing in front of a different person. “You’re really freaking me out. It’s two o’clock in the morning and you aren’t yourself. What’s wrong?”
He closed his eyes for a long time like he was in pain.
“Hawke, I don’t understand—”
“Shut up.”
I closed my mouth but felt the fire rise.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m just…struggling. Let me say what I need to say. It’s not easy for me.”
“Okay…” I decided not to sass back…this one time.
“My first name is Theodore.”
Of all the things I expected him to say, that wasn’t it.
“I’m named after my father.” His voice filled with bitterness. “That’s why I go by my middle name. I want nothing to do with him. Whenever my mother calls me that…I snap.”
I remained quiet.
“As hard as I try to be nothing like him…I know I am him.”
My eyes searched his face.
“I’m aggressive and violent. I can’t control my temper, and sometimes, I get carried away…” He glanced over his shoulder and saw the area where his table had been. “I look just like him. And I can’t count the number of times my mother has told me I’m just like him.”
I had a few objections, but I knew I shouldn’t voice them.
“I can’t be with someone because I know I’ll hurt them.” He finally looked into my eyes. “I know I’ll turn into him…and hurt someone I really care about. I can’t just turn it off and forget everything. I’ve been so physically and psychologically abused that I’m emotionally unstable. I’m the kind of guy you hate.”
No, you aren’t.
“When we met, I felt that connection. And the more I got to know you, the harder I fell. When I’m with you, the pain goes away. When I’m with you, I feel like a different person. Slowly, everything changed. I stopped the one-night stands and the drinking…I stopped everything.” He came closer to me but didn’t touch me. “I want you.” He took a deep breath while he watched me. “And not in a way I want other women. I want all of you, every day. I want to sleep with you every night. I want to take you out to dinner. I want to be with you…in the way you want.”
Those were words I’d wanted to hear for so long. I couldn’t believe he said them.
“But, you need to understand…I’m not Prince Charming. I’m not perfect. I’m nowhere near it.”
“Neither am I.”
“I promise you I’ll do my best to be everything you want. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy. I want to make this work. I don’t want to be your friend anymore. I want…everything.”
“I do too…”
He stepped closer to me, just a foot away. “I feel something special for you, and I know it sounds crazy but…” He didn’t finish the sentence. “If I’m going to have something with anyone, it’s you.”
My eyes watered slightly.
“Will you give me a chance?”
My heart was beating so fast I thought it might give out. “Not until you listen to me.”
His eyes darkened in disappointment.
“You’re nothing like your father.” I held his gaze as I spoke, my voice coming out strong. “Don’t compare yourself to him. You would never hurt me.”
“But I am—”
“No, you aren’t.” I rested my hand over his heart. “I know you better than you know yourself. You’re passionate and emotional. That doesn’t make you violent. You would never hurt me. I know that.”
His eyes never left my face.
“I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’ve also been through a lot. I understand you.”
He nodded slightly.
“We can make this work. We can be happy. But you need to trust yourself, Hawke. You’re a good man. You need to start believing that.”
“What makes you think I am?” he whispered.
I cupped his face and directed his look on me. “Everything.” How could I get through to him when he was determined to believe his own fallacy?
For a moment, it seemed like he believed me. His hands moved over mine and he pulled them down, swallowing them with his large size. Then he gripped them tightly like he wouldn’t let me go. “I’ve never been in a relationship before. All I know is…what I did before. If you can be patient with me, I’d like to try.”
“I’d wait forever for you, Hawke.”
His eyes glimmered slightly, like those words meant the world to him. “I’m yours now. I have been for a while. That’s something you never need to worry about.”
I understood his meaning. Hawke was rough around the edges, but his loyalty had never been questioned. I knew him all the way through, the good and the bad, and that thought never crossed my mind. “I know.”
Both of his hands moved to my chest where my heart rested. They folded on top of each other because they were too big. “Will you give yourself to me?” He eyed my lips like he already knew the answer.
“You had me the moment we met.”
***
Hawke lay in bed beside me. He was in his boxers like every other night, but now I was more aware of his nakedness than ever before. His skin was searing hot. It burned the moment my fingers grazed it.
I didn’t have anything to wear, so I borrowed a t-shirt and boxers. But I was hoping I wouldn’t need anything at all. We’d been together, unofficially, for a really long time. I already knew him better than anyone else. Why did we need to wait? But he was the one who pulled them out of the drawer and handed them to me.
Hawke hooked his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. The rain still drizzled outside, and it made me feel warmer knowing this hunk of a man was my personal heater.
His eyes never closed and I suspected he didn’t want to sleep. His hand moved up my leg and to my waist, exploring me for the first time. He kept eyeing my lips like he was going to kiss me but never did.
“Do I have to make all the moves?” I blurted.
His lips stretched into a smile that made me weak. “The anticipation is always better than the kiss itself.”
“Well, how long are you going to make me ‘anticipate’?”
He leaned his face toward me then brushed his nose with mine. “What’s the rush?”
“Um…three months is pretty long to wait for another kiss.”
He chuckled. “It was pretty great, huh? When I had you pinned against the door, I almost picked you up and fucked you right then and there.”
My skin immediately prickled.
“And you have amazing tits, by the way. I don�
��t think I’ve ever told you that.”
“Nice to know.”
He gave me that heated look that told me what he was thinking about. “I like to make a woman squirm all night until she begs for it. Then I hit her hard.”
“Well, I’m practically on my knees.”
“One day you will be.” He rolled me to my back and leaned over me.
His words caught me off guard, and I didn’t even realize he moved me. I couldn’t get the image of me sucking him off out of my head. He leaned his head back and moaned because I gave it to him good. I wanted to make him feel like that—all the time.
He grabbed one leg and wrapped it around his waist, pinning me against the pillow with his size. Then he brushed his lips past mine, teasing me in a sexy way. One hand entered my hair and fisted it aggressively. He adjusted himself slightly, his hard-on rubbing against my hip.
It was big.
He finally pressed his lips to mine in a soft embrace. It wasn’t as aggressive as everything else he was doing. This was gentle and purposeful. He felt my lips with his then he gave me a small amount of tongue. When he felt mine, he took a deep breath like he’d just been burned. He gripped me tighter and practically yanked out my hair. His cock twitched against me.
My hands moved up his chest, paying attention to every groove and slab of muscle. He was powerful underneath all those clothes. He had narrow hips and powerful back muscles. This was exactly what I thought about when I had fun with my vibrator.
Our tongues danced together, and he breathed into me, all of his arousal evident in his movements. He gripped me tightly like he would never let me walk away. If I ran, it would never be fast enough. He would always keep me there, just for him.
Hawke abruptly broke our kiss and moved his lips to my jawline. He placed kisses along my jaw and to my neck. Then he kissed me there, sucking the skin and making my thighs squeeze his waist.
His lips found their way back to mine, and he gave me a deeper kiss than before. It was the most passionate embrace I’d ever had, and I felt like the only woman he’d ever kissed this way, whether it was true or not.
Without thinking, my hands moved to his boxers and slid them down his ass.
Hawke continued to kiss me, but he grabbed my hand and steadied it before the good stuff was revealed. He pinned both of my hands above my head. “Round the bases before you slide into home plate.”