I believe you mean calling constantly, texting, and dropping by the office unannounced. Luckily, Lisa had had no problem showing her to the door each time. Of course, then he got the whole “men are pigs” look from her, but it was still better than having to do it himself. “I’ve been busy, Bethany.” Yeah, he called her the wrong name on purpose, hoping she’d get the hint that she wasn’t special. You are an asshole.
Unfortunately, Brittany didn’t even appear to notice. Hell, he had a problem with names so that could have been the right one, for all he knew. If he’d thought her pout was impressive, she kicked her game up a notch by putting her middle finger between her lips and sucking on it while staring at him. Does she have any idea the amount of germs there are in a bar? “I’ve missed you, baby,” she said as she finally took her hand away from her mouth. She moved to stand beside his barstool, then leaned over, putting her impressive cleavage in his face. He knew his way around a set of tits, and those puppies had screamed fake from the first time he’d met her. But being the nice guy he was, he didn’t discriminate. Now they seemed way too big for her thin frame. He was actually afraid she’d overbalance and face-plant in his lap.
Then her tongue swiped up the side of his neck in a move that would do a golden retriever proud. Ugh. Someone bring me a towel, some hand sanitizer, and maybe a bib for Brittany-Bethany. “I—er . . . that’s nice,” he sputtered out as he leaned back as far as his chair would allow. “It was good seeing you again.” But his hint fell on deaf ears. She was now damn close to inhaling his ear. Her tongue felt like it was going to come out the other side at any moment. She was also grinding into his waist and making some disturbing noises. Surely she wasn’t getting off on this. “Um . . . what’re you doing?”
Holy crap, she was growling at this point and using his earlobe like a chew toy. “Ashey, come out and pway with me.”
If she thought this was exciting, she was way off the mark. His cock had practically packed up shop and was retreating inward. It’d been bad enough the first time they’d had sex. Then he’d made the mistake of repeating it once more. There was something alarming about a woman going down on you while talking like a toddler. He just couldn’t get past it. Maybe she’d been taken off the bottle too early in life and it had created a shit storm of problems for her and every man in her path. Rosa would have a field day with this one. “Ashey needs to be going,” he choked out as she continued to slobber on him. He could feel saliva beginning to ooze down his neck as she slurped at him noisily. He glanced around and noticed a group of what looked like college kids laughing hysterically. A couple of them had their cell phones out and pointed in his direction. There was no question that the footage would end up on YouTube. “Listen, Brittany, you really need to stop that,” he said sternly. “You’re soaking my shirt and I believe the bartender is close to calling animal control. You’re up to date on all your shots, right?” he asked, only half joking. I wonder if you can get a sexually transmitted disease in your ear. If that was a possibility, then that sucker would be falling off shortly. She hadn’t left an inch of it unmolested.
He was desperately trying to decide his next move when a man that he assumed was the manager walked up and cleared his throat loudly. “You two are causing something of a scene. Could you take this elsewhere?” Ash could feel his face flushing, which never happened. He wasn’t a man easily embarrassed, but this was humiliating.
“I’d love to leave if I could get loose,” he grumbled as he pointed to whatever the hell her name was. The manager’s lips twitched as he tried to maintain his professionalism. “Go ahead and laugh,” Ash added. “I would if this was happening to anyone else. Could you maybe give me a hand though when you’re finished? I think she’s in some kind of weird zone. She doesn’t seem to be hearing any of this.”
“I’m not allowed to touch customers, especially a, er . . . lady,” the manager said, “but I’ll have one of our female security members assess the situation.”
Ash wanted to beg the man to stay. He wondered if Brittany was stoned because she gave no indication that she’d noticed any of the conversation going on around her. Instead, she continued to lick and suck on the side of his face like she was preparing to take a fucking bite. He’d just opened his mouth to attempt to reason with her again, when he caught sight of someone familiar. And I thought this couldn’t get worse. Please tell me it isn’t her. But even closing his eyes and quickly opening them again didn’t change the fact that Dana was now only inches away and looking as if she was trying to keep from laughing her ass off. She was biting her lip as she stared at the woman clamped on to him.
“Hey, Dana, you come here often?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
Shrugging her shoulders, she said, “Occasionally.” Nodding to Brittany, she added, “You need some help? Maybe the number of a good therapist? Were you weaned off the bottle too early as a child? A good pacifier might really be of help here.” He gave her a helpless look, damned close to crying in desperation for an escape while all these people gawked at them. Then a miracle happened, and he wanted to fall to his knees in gratitude.
“Asher, what in the world is going on here?” Dana’s voice rang out shrilly. “Who is this tramp and why is . . . Wait, is she licking your armpit?” Dana asked in disgust. “I can’t believe you left me and our three kids at home for—this. I sent you out an hour ago to get some drops for little Asher and this is what you’ve been doing? Your son is so gassy he’s about to take flight and you’re in a bar? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
As far as performances went, it was Oscar caliber. Even Brittany had stopped in her efforts to check him for deodorant and was staring at the petite dynamo before them. “Who is this, Ashey?” she asked as she popped a finger back into her mouth. The girl obviously had some issues. No wonder she did the baby talk—hell, she probably had a speech impediment if she walked around sucking her digits all the time.
Dana straightened to her full height, which was far less than Brittany’s, but even Ash felt rather intimidated by her. “I’m Ashey’s wife, that’s who I am. And I’d better never catch you mauling my husband again. Now how about calling your parents and having them pick you up. Wait, do you need me to do it for you? Have they given you a phone yet?”
Ash had a hard time keeping his laughter at bay as Dana continued to toss questions at the other woman. Finally Brittany asked, “Why would I call my mom? I have a car outside.”
Dana overenunciated her words as she said, “Oh. Great. I wasn’t sure if you were old enough to drive. Plus, there was the whole ‘licking a man in public like he’s a teething ring’ thing.”
God help him, if he didn’t get out of here soon, he was gonna lose it. In all the times he’d been swapping insults with Dana, he’d never realized how funny she was. Her body language alone was hysterical. With her hands now on her hips, she insulted Brittany in a way that flew right over the blonde’s head. In that moment, he was strangely proud to have everyone nearby think that she was his wife. From the admiring glances being leveled her way, it appeared that quite a few other men were thinking something similar. A woman with a sense of humor as good as hers was a huge turn-on.
Brittany pulled on his arm, appearing confused. “So does this mean I should go, Ashey?” After all that, she still needs to ask?
Shrugging away from her, he nodded. “Yeah, I’d listen to my—wife if I were you.” Hanging his head, he added, “I need to get home to all my kids. I’m a shitty father. You don’t want to be mixed up with a guy like me.” Dana’s snort told him that she agreed with his last statement, but fortunately she didn’t comment out loud.
Dana stepped forward and put a friendly arm around Brittany’s waist. “Sweetie, do you need any help getting into your car seat? Oh sorry, I meant your seat belt. I know those suckers can be complicated. Are you sure I shouldn’t call your mom for you? You know, too much hair dye or silicone can really have some long-term a
dverse effects. Do you often find yourself making poor decisions?”
Brittany twirled a strand of hair around one finger as she pondered the question. “Well, I did buy regular Coke instead of diet a few days ago.” Glancing at her impressive chest, her eyes widened. “Do you really think these might be the cause? I also slept with my sister’s boyfriend last year.” Smacking her hand to her forehead, she grinned. “I knew it wasn’t my fault. My sister said I was a whore, but it was out of my control, right?”
Asher saw Dana’s eye twitch, but she held her composure together. “Um . . . sure, honey. Let’s blame that one on lack of oxygen. Those pants you’re wearing are so tight you’re not getting enough air to that little brain of yours. Tell you what, why don’t you buy some of those nice sweatpants they sell at Walmart? You know the ones with the elastic around the waist. You’d look adorable in the bright pink. Plus, you can get the complete set for like ten bucks. There’s a twenty-four-hour store right down the street. You stop in there on your way home and take care of that. By this time next year, you could be almost normal.”
Brittany jumped in place, clapping her hands. “Oh my God, thank you! I’ll do that now. Bye, Ashey,” she tossed over her shoulder as she took off toward the exit.
Shaking his head, Ash smirked at Dana. “That was the most surreal moment I’ve had in a while and that’s saying something. I almost feel sorry for the people at Walmart. She’ll need at least a dozen of them to help her find and buy that nightmare of an outfit you just conned her into.”
Pushing past him, Dana ordered a glass of wine from the bartender before facing him once again. “You so owe me for that. By the way, does that stuff happen to you a lot? I mean, I’m not surprised that you go for the dumb blondes, but I’d have given you more credit than that. How much fun could she have been in bed? Wait . . . I’m guessing that whole suction thing is more interesting when it’s not being used on your armpit. She could clearly suck rusted lug nuts off a passing pickup truck.”
Asher had just stepped up to the bar and taken a drink of his now warm beer, which unfortunately he sucked up his nose and damn near choked on at Dana’s matter-of-fact description of Brittany’s talents. He felt her whack him on the back, perhaps harder than was necessary, but he couldn’t really say that he blamed her. He certainly deserved a good ass kicking for all the shit he’d said to her lately. Even after all that, she’d still saved him from further public humiliation and the unpleasantness of getting away from Brittany. “I really appreciate what you did,” he said honestly, as soon as he had his laughter at her earlier statement under control.
“I’m guessing this kind of thing happens to you often,” she replied ruefully.
He gave her a sheepish grin and a shrug. “I’ve had some issues. I seem to attract all of the crazy ones. Believe it or not, tonight was one of the most bizarre.”
Dana raised a skeptical brow. “You mean women aren’t trying to nurse from your neck and armpit on a regular basis? I’ve gotta say, that was disturbing. She was in some kind of trace. I’m surprised we were able to break her concentration that easily. I thought for sure it would take physical force to pry her loose.”
Ash settled on a stool next to where Dana had taken a seat and signaled for a fresh beer. “I’ve only seen her a few times and it was a whole lot of baby talk on those occasions. This was something new. Maybe she’s broadening her horizons.”
“Or you drove her nuts,” Dana pointed out. “You’re not the easiest man to get along with, so she could have been desperate for another way to connect. I’m not saying this was it because, yeah, it was insane, but still I believe we can lay the blame squarely at your feet.”
Raising his glass to hers, he grinned. “Touché. I deserved that. You know, you’ve missed your calling in life. You should have been an actress. Even I was buying into you being my wife. Hell, I still have the urge to run by the store for those gas drops for our kid that you mentioned. Guys would pay a fortune to have a woman handy to keep the Brittanys of the world at bay. Shit, I’d like to take you to some parties and business functions so I can relax on the nights I don’t want to have someone make my life a living hell.”
Dana paused with her glass of wine halfway to her mouth as she gave him an assessing look. He was both intrigued and a little scared that she appeared to be giving his offhand comment so much attention. Finally she asked, “So how much would something like that be worth to you?” Wrinkling her nose in a way that made his pride sting, she added, “I’m not talking anything physical here. But if you wanted me to run interference for you, what figure would seem appropriate?”
Despite his better judgment, Ash was intrigued. Hell, he felt like he was being both propositioned and slapped down all in one smooth move. What man wouldn’t want more information about that? So he found himself asking, “Would that be a gig that you’d be interested in doing? You know, pretending to be my significant other on occasion when I asked? I don’t think I could pass you off as my wife because a lot of the women know I’m not married. But fiancée or girlfriend might work.”
He could almost have sworn he saw her shudder before she straightened her shoulders and said, “I’d do it for five hundred dollars an evening. If it was longer than that, we’d have to renegotiate ahead of time.” He had no idea what he’d even been going to say, but as soon as he opened his mouth, she held her hand up. “Normally I’d laugh in your face. You’ve been such an asshole to me that I personally think you deserve to be eaten alive by the bimbos of the world. But—I just found out a few hours ago that the transmission is shot in my car, and rather than pour more money into it, I’d like to be able to afford a replacement. I was already considering a second job, and at least you’d mostly only need me in the evening hours, which would work perfectly with my daytime schedule.”
He really should nip this whole idea in the bud before it got out of hand. What they were talking about was insane. Sure, he’d gotten frustrated dealing with the same old crap, but that was life, right? He’d lived in Florida for only a year, so he wasn’t completely sure how he’d managed to gather such a collection of irritating and pissed-off women. To be fair, he hadn’t actually had sex with all of them, but they seemed to be as bitter about being turned down as the ones that he’d never called again after the deed. Plus, he had visited the resort a good bit before he had relocated, so it wasn’t as if he’d met them all since his move. Even he didn’t move that fast. Looking Dana up and down, he couldn’t resist a small dig. “You realize you’d have to dress better.”
She stared at him with disdain before saying, “No problem as long as you’re paying. I’m guessing you want me to wear the same type of clothing as your usual dates. Where are the teenagers shopping these days? One of those trendy stores in the mall where a tiny T-shirt costs fifty bucks? Wait—what about Baby Gap? Or is that too young even for you?”
Ash couldn’t hold back his chuckle of amusement. Normally every word from her mouth irritated him, but that ire was curiously absent tonight. Strangely, he was enjoying himself more than he had in a while, which surely said bad things about his social life. His thoughts flashed back to his conversation with Rosa that morning, and it hit him that Dana was like a younger and hotter version of his housekeeper. Neither of the women took any shit from him, and they were both brutally honest in their disdain of his casual dating lifestyle. And even though he knew it was a disaster in the making, he found himself ignoring her dig and holding out his hand. “You’ve got a deal, munchkin. And how about including some high heels in your shopping? It would be nice if you at least reached my waist.”
Her nose turned up as she rolled her eyes and pointed to his crotch. “I’d think one of the requirements of your dates would be that they spend a lot of time around that area. Although things went terribly wrong earlier. She wasn’t the brightest bulb, so maybe she thought your penis was located in your armpit. She certainly appeared to be hunting for s
omething in there.”
Again, he was unable to hold back a grin. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled this much. And most of it was at his expense. They both knew he didn’t have much of a defense after Brittany’s public spectacle. He could only imagine how much his sister-in-law Zoe was going to enjoy this, because Dana would certainly tell her. Maybe he should make her sign some kind of confidentiality agreement. There were bound to be more moments ahead that he wouldn’t want his family to know about. “Let me assure you that Brittany does not represent the type of women I’m attracted to. It’s a sad fact that sometimes you can’t spot crazy until it’s too late. Other than the baby talk, I had no clue she was that strange.”
Dana giggled, which he thought sounded adorable. Hell, what was wrong with him? Too much stress? Since when had he indulged in sappy thoughts like that? Five years ago and look how that ended up. “So that’s where the whole Ashey thing came from? Did she have a nickname for your pecker too? Maybe little Ashey? Wow, that’s emasculating, isn’t it?” In a perfect imitation of Brittany’s voice, Dana said, “Can wittle Ashey come out and pway?” He groaned and lowered his head because that was exactly what she’d said that first night. Why in the world had there ever been a second time?
Reading him correctly, Dana began laughing so hard she was shaking. “Oh my God,” she sputtered. “She actually said that to you and you were able to perform?” Then, lowering her voice, she whisper-shouted, “Well, unless it’s true . . . Hey, no judgment here, they can’t all be big or even average. It’s not the size, but how it’s used. She must have been okay with your petite member because she was mauling you right here for all to see. Actually this explains a lot about your hostile personality. You obviously get around, but I always assumed it was because you were a man-whore. When in actuality it could very well be that you’re leaving a trail of unsatisfied women behind you and they’re angry about your false advertising. Kind of like men who complain about us wearing padded bras.”
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