“I don’t mean to change the subject, but I find it hard to believe that Sumi grew up with the Älvolk, yet she has no idea what they did to Ulla or Eliana,” Pan said, a harsh skepticism hardening his words.
“Sumi hasn’t lived with them in quite some time, and their motivations never made sense to either of us,” Jem said.
“She thinks they’re trying to open the bridge to Alfheim,” I said.
“And that’s a bad idea because Alfheim is dangerous?” Pan asked, still sounding dubious.
“Forgive me. I overstated myself,” Jem replied with a sharp smile. “I can only truly say that nothing I have seen in your kingdoms would withstand a single attack from a wyrm.”
Pan looked away then, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stared down at the floor. “The Älvolk stole Ulla’s blood to let monsters from your land into ours, and we don’t know how to stop it.”
“We would know a lot more about what’s going on if I could just remember the Lost Month,” I said.
“Yeah, it’d be nice if any of us could remember,” Pan muttered.
“But maybe I can,” I said.
Pan narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Elof tried something with the Ögonen and Dagny,” I said.
“The thing where Dagny nearly died?” Pan asked incredulously. “No way. That’s way too dangerous.”
“She didn’t nearly die,” I argued—though, truthfully, he probably knew better how it had gone, since he was there and I wasn’t.
But the way Dagny had explained it to me, it didn’t sound that bad. Elof had brought an Ögonen into his lab, and they did something like what Sunniva and Tove had done with me back in Förening. Dagny lay down, the Ögonen put their hands on her head, and in their attempt to restore her memories, she’d overheated—dramatically enough that she had singed off her eyebrow and required healing for internal injuries.
“You don’t know that,” Pan replied.
“I know that she’s fine now,” I persisted. “And I’m stronger than her.”
His jaw set, and he inhaled deeply through his nose. Then, almost quietly, he said, “I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“Neither do I.” I gave him a weak smile, but that did nothing to assuage the worry darkening his eyes. “I survived the Lost Month. I think I can survive remembering it.”
“The Älvolk magic is very old and very powerful. It’s not something to combat lightly,” Jem advised.
“I won’t,” I assured him before Pan could latch on to his comment. “And Elof would not let me do anything like that.”
“So that’s what you’re doing today?” Pan asked. “Contacting Elof?”
“Yes,” I said, as if that had been my plan all along and not something that had just occurred to me when Pan suggested it. “That, and helping everyone get settled.” I motioned around.
Jem took that as a cue and went into the living area to join Eliana in her dance.
“So brunch is off the table,” Pan said.
I walked over and leaned back against the counter beside him. “Dagny and Sumi went to get food and supplies. I’m sure there’ll be enough for one more.”
“Thanks.” He hesitated, holding my gaze heavily, and I once again marveled at the beauty in the depth of his warm, dark eyes. “But I think you’ve already got your hands full here.”
I tentatively put my hand on his. “There’s always room for you.”
“Ulla, can I talk to Hanna again?” Eliana asked loudly.
They’d already chatted for an hour that morning, and so I wasn’t depriving her when I told her, “Not right now. Can we talk about it in a little bit?”
“Fine,” she said, but her expression turned poutier than normal. She always looked kinda pouty because her bottom lip was slightly larger than the top, but now she was especially sour.
“Actually, I should head out, so you can talk about it now,” Pan said, and stepped away from the counter.
“Pan, you don’t have to go,” I said.
“I know,” he assured me. “I thought I’d hit up Calder and see if I can find any books that might help us figure out what the Älvolk are up to.” He looked back at me. “You can see me out, though, if you want.”
Once we were out on the landing and the front door was closed behind us, I asked, “Is everything okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I think I’m still in shock seeing Eliana and everything.” Then his expression shifted. “And you! You found out who your parents are. How are you really doing with all of that?”
“Truthfully, I don’t know.” I shook my head. “That’s why I didn’t tell you about Thor being my … my dad. I just didn’t want to talk about it with anybody.”
“Hey, no, you don’t owe me an explanation,” he said. “You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready.”
I squeezed his hand. “Thanks for understanding.”
“And…” He paused and glanced back toward the door. “… and I don’t need to worry about you and Jem, do I?”
“No,” I said emphatically, hoping the shameful heat in my cheeks didn’t show. “It’s not like that at all.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” He shook his head. “I’m feeling a little insecure, and that’s not your problem. Especially not right now. Sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“I don’t know if it is, but anyway.” He forced a smile at me. “I should get going. But I’ll talk to you later, all right?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, and then he jogged down the stairs.
40
Ögonen
The next day, I headed down to Elof’s lab. It was the soonest he could see me, since he was busy trying to figure out something to help Eliana. Pan came with me, albeit grudgingly, because he still wasn’t convinced this was safe for me to do.
I was tired and walked slowly, so I didn’t mind his pace anyway. Yesterday had been a long, exhausting day, and I hadn’t gotten much sleep. Eliana had bunked up in my bed with me, where there was hardly enough room for us both. Not to mention she was a tiny furnace, and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up drenched in sweat.
Plus, she’d wanted to stay up all night, bonding over sisterly things. The hardest part about that was that she couldn’t tell me much about herself, so she was mostly asking me questions.
And I just … didn’t feel like bonding.
It was bizarre, because I’d spent so much of my life longing for family, and now I’d discovered some of my only living family members, and that I was related to someone that I already knew and cared about … and I felt stunningly blank about it.
Maybe because I’d already gone through the roller coaster of thinking that I had many sisters—including my good friend Bryn and my nemesis Noomi—to finding out that I didn’t.
Then I found that my real siblings were the amnesiac Eliana, her evil twin Illaria, and the unusual, wild Prince Furston.
And I was still digesting my parentage confirmation.
Something about all that left me feeling sorta numb and disconnected from Eliana. But I hoped once I had absorbed this all and gotten all the Älvolk/Lost Month mess behind me, I’d be able to really embrace Eliana as my sister.
That’s why it was so important that I remembered what happened during the Lost Month. So I could deal with it and move on with my life. Until I understood fully what Indu had used me for, it would all feel like unfinished business to me.
Well, that and Jem and Sumi seemed to think it would be mighty bad for everyone if the Älvolk got the bridge open.
The Mimirin was quiet because it was Sunday, and Elof was alone in the lab when we got there. He’d forgone his usual kaftan-style lab coat, and he just wore a burgundy dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the top buttons of his collar undone.
“Are you ready for all this, Ulla?” he asked, and his tight smile did little to ease the anxiety bubbling in my
stomach.
“Yeah, of course!” I forced myself to sound confident and upbeat because Pan was looking at me, and he already had serious safety concerns about this. I knew his fears weren’t exactly unwarranted, but I thought (hoped) I was strong enough to handle them.
“Wait, what is that?” Pan asked. We’d been walking toward where Elof sat at the island, but Pan stopped short.
He pointed to a big metal tub sitting nearby, filled with slowly melting ice cubes.
I winced because I distinctly remembered Tove Kroner dumping me in a cold shower in the Trylle palace bathroom. His sister had been helping to recover memories when I overheated.
“It’s only a precaution,” Elof said. “Because of how things went with Dagny.”
“Are you sure this is safe?” Pan asked.
“No,” he admitted with a rough exhale. “But I’ve made it as safe as I can.” He’d been holding on to a small jar of sky-blue liquid, and he slid it across the island toward me. “This is an elixir to help prevent inflammation and keep your body temperature down. You should drink it before the Ögonen arrives, so it has time to take effect.”
“Inflammation?” Pan sounded alarmed, and I grabbed the jar and gulped down the bitter, milky liquid before he could talk me out of it.
“Dagny had some mild brain swelling, and I hope to avoid that this time around,” Elof said, keeping his tone as matter-of-fact as possible.
Pan opened his mouth like he was about to protest, but the door at the back of the lab opened, and a slender Ögonen ducked as they came in. I’d seen them plenty of times by now, but I never got used to their appearance.
They were trollian but only in a vague, androgynous way. They were totally nude always, but they were hairless and without any obvious outward genitalia or sex characteristics. Their skin was the color of burnt ochre, but it was thin enough to let some light pass through, highlighting their veins and organs. Though I could see it wasn’t true, they moved like they were made of jelly, oddly graceful and fluid.
I hadn’t been this close to an Ögonen since I had the run-in with the guardian of the catacombs back at the beginning of summer, and that had been a rather traumatic experience. I gulped down my fear and smiled up at the mouthless face towering above me.
Creepy, creepy mouthless face with troll eyes, I thought, before remembering that the Ögonen can read minds. Or something like that. I tried to think of nothing, but my mind immediately went back to the brief and unfairly chaste make-out session I’d had with Pan the previous night on the landing outside my apartment.
He’d come back over for supper, after an unsuccessful trip with Calder down in the archives. It had been a fun, chaotic dinner, and the only moment alone we could get was at the end before he’d left.
I thought we’d only do a quick goodbye, but he pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pushed me backward, until my back was against the wall. Then I buried my fingers in his dark curls, and—
“This is Ur.” Elof interrupted my thoughts, and my cheeks flushed with embarrassed heat as he motioned to the Ögonen, who merely blinked down at me.
“Hello,” I said uncertainly, but I didn’t notice a reply from Ur the Ögonen.
“Ur doesn’t communicate much,” Elof said, somewhat apologetically. “Earlier, I arranged this all with Amalie and Ur, so they know what to do.”
With their long slender finger, they pointed to the island beside us.
“I think they want us to get on with it then,” Elof said. “So I’ll have you lie back on the island.”
“You want me to just climb up and lie down on the countertop?” I asked.
“It’ll be a bit cold, but I think that will work to your benefit,” he said.
I hopped up onto the island. Pan took my hand to steady me, even though I didn’t need it, but it made me feel better anyway. I scooted back on the counter and lay back.
Ur walked around until they stood right behind my head, and then they knelt on the floor. They brought their hands up to either side of my face, and I felt their fingertips—like ten cold pools of water pressing against my skin. The thumbs on my temples, the rest staggered down my cheeks.
“Ur needs you to try to remember something from—” Elof was saying.
But I was already there. And it wasn’t like I was remembering. I was there. Back in the Lost Month.
41
Ablaze
I was cold and wet, my hair dripping in my face. A thick, stiff robe of elk fur was wrapped around me, but aside from that I was naked. I was in an octagon made of stone, with wooden benches around the edge. In the center, a bin of burning coals slowly warmed the room.
I was alone, but I could hear water running nearby. Somehow, I knew this was our weekly bath, when Noomi and our captors let us use the bathtubs and the sauna, assuming we behaved in the days between.
And I’d behaved, but I was here alone.
Until the door opened, and Pan came in. His dark curls were wet, and his robe was snug across his broad shoulders.
“Ulla,” he gasped when he saw me, and he rushed over. When he held me and we kissed, I knew from the way my skin trembled that it had been so long since we last touched.
“How are you here?” I whispered, and I held his face in my hands.
“I don’t know. They left me alone to bathe, and when I finished, I came in here,” he said breathily. “Maybe they forgot about me.” He put his hands over mine, but his thumbs brushed the raw skin of my wrists, and I winced.
“Sorry,” I said as I pulled my hands away. “The cuffs they use burn my skin.”
“My god, Ulla.” He sounded horrified as he gingerly took my hand to get a look at the red, swollen skin. “What are they doing to you?”
“I’ve been translating old documents from ancient Tryllic, but it doesn’t make any sense. It’s like a recipe for blood pudding but written in the style of a limerick. I’ve been stuck on several words that I can only translate into literal gibberish, but they’ve been bringing me these documents in Old Norse and Irytakki for reference.”
“They’re torturing you just to get you to work in the archives again?” Pan asked.
“Yeah, it seems that way,” I said with a thin smile.
His eyes were pained and his voice was husky. “I’m sorry.” He put his hand on my face, caressing my cheek gently with his thumb. “I wish I knew how to save you.”
“I wish I knew how to save us all,” I replied softly.
He bent down and kissed me, gently at first. His lips were soft, pressing against mine, until I pushed on my tiptoes, leaned deeper into his kiss. His arms went around my waist, holding me tightly against him. I buried my fingers in his thick curls, letting them wind around my fingers.
Heat rolled over me, and it wasn’t from the steam coming from the heater bumping up against me. And then I slid my hands down and under the robe. It wasn’t so much a sexual thing—and I didn’t want to have sex with Pan in the sauna of the dungeon we were held captive in—but I suddenly needed skin-to-skin contact. It had gone far beyond craving, and it was an impatient need to feel his flesh warm against mine. To feel something soft and safe and warm in a place so cold and unforgiving.
“What are you doing?” he asked thickly.
“I just need to feel you, nothing more.” I paused—his robe half open with my hands on his chest. “Please.”
In response, he kissed me again, and his hand moved down, untying my robe so it fell open. His hand found my hips, pulling me toward him, and then there was this wonderful relief of warmth enveloping me.
We were kissing again, hungrily, greedily. Then Pan’s mouth trailed along my jawbone, down to my neck, and in a low voice, he murmured, “I love you, Ulla.”
“I love you too, Pan,” I said without hesitation, because I knew it was true, the same way I knew my heart was pounding in my chest.
He kissed me again, on the top of my head, and hugged me to him. I loo
ked over his shoulder, and on the wall behind me, I spotted a big spider crawling along it.
“Pan.”
“I know, but…” Pan said, his voice nearly lost in my hair as he held me. “I’ve wanted to say it for so long. I’m so glad I finally did.”
“No, Pan, I’m saying there’s a huge spider.” I detangled myself from him enough that I could point at the fat black spider with a jagged green stripe, but he didn’t turn back to look.
“I know,” he said gravely. “Me and Elof have been doing everything we can.”
“Wait. What?” I stepped back from him and refastened my robe tightly. “You know about the spiders?”
And by now it was spiders. I spotted another even larger one creeping along the ceiling, and a few smaller ones crept out from under the benches.
“Well, what does Indu want?” Pan asked.
I looked sharply at him. “What? Are you saying Indu wants the spiders?”
There was hardly any steam in the room anymore, but the heat kept rising. I could already feel the beads of sweat forming on my back.
“What have you translated so far?” Pan asked.
“Nothing about infestations, so I don’t think it really matters right now.” I was nearly shouting by now, because I could see more spiders sliding through the cracks between the bricks in the wall. I grabbed Pan’s hand. “We have to go!”
He frowned. “Blood pudding? Is that what they’re using your blood for?”
“Pan, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but we’ve got to—”
“Yeah, I’d say that is cannibalism,” he interrupted me.
He was looking straight at me, but it was like he couldn’t see me. I let go of his hand and waved in front of his face, but he only stared blankly forward.
“Pan?” I said plaintively as the room rapidly became a furnace. The once-cold stone floor tiles scorched the bottoms of my feet.
“An elk heart?” Pan asked, and he was backing up, toward the bench overflowing with arachnids.
“Pan!” I shrieked, but he just sat back on the bench. His expression never changed, not even as dozens of spiders crawled over him.
The Ever After Page 19