by Pamela Clare
“Have the two of you been intimate?” At the expression on his face, Esri held up a hand. “I’m asking for professional reasons, not to gossip about it. Nothing you say to me goes outside this room.”
“Not yet, but we did kiss and stuff.” He would leave it to her to decide what “stuff” meant. “I care about her. I care about the three of them.”
The moment he said it, he realized it was true.
Esri seemed to consider this. “Sometimes when we’ve shut off our emotions to try to stop feeling bad things, we stop feeling altogether. Then, when we let ourselves have good emotions again, we turn on the spigot and the dark stuff comes up, too.”
Wasn’t that just fucking convenient?
“So that’s it then?”
“It’s possible. You’re looking for a one-on-one correlation for the nightmare, a single cause. You don’t want to have that dream again. No one would. But I’m working on a puzzle, trying to help you put the pieces together, and there are a lot of puzzle pieces you haven’t shown me.”
Shit.
Chapter 10
The bus crash had shaken Scarlet Springs to the core, and people were doing what they always did—coming together.
As Ellie drove to work Friday morning, she passed homemade signs of wood and cardboard that had been spray painted with the words, “Protect our kids from drunk drivers!” and, “Thank you, first responders!” Flowers were piled at the base of the flagpole outside Peaks Elementary School. Posters were tacked to utility poles announcing a benefit at Knockers tonight to help the Kirby family cover funeral costs. She would have to bundle up the kids and take them there for supper this evening.
Thinking of Carrie and Jim and little Tyler put a lump in Ellie’s throat. But the outpouring of love reminded her why she’d moved back here after Dan’s death. No, Scarlet wasn’t a big town. It didn’t have a shopping mall or a Starbucks or even a McDonald’s. But it had a big heart.
She parked, walked in through the hospital’s employee entrance, and clocked in. She’d gotten a text from Pauline this morning so she knew she’d be working in the pediatric unit, where every bed was full with children injured in the crash. She’d worn her special bunny scrubs and had brought a set of bunny ears to wear—anything to make the kids’ stay in the hospital less scary and more fun.
She was one of two RNs on duty—the others were LPNs—which meant she was responsible for ten patients. Sebastian, 5, Room 201, had a broken arm that needed surgery. Ryder, 7, also in Room 201, was stable after surgery for a ruptured spleen. Ava, 9, in Room 202 had been kept overnight for observation for a concussion and would be discharged soon. Ava’s little sister Emma, 7, had a broken femur and needed surgery, too, so she would be staying.
Ellie took as much time as she could with each little patient, making sure their pain was under control, letting them talk about what had happened, assuring them and their parents that they were getting good care and would be going home soon. She gave lots of hugs and held a lot of hands. Nursing wasn’t just about giving meds, checking vitals, and treating the body. It was about healing the heart and mind, too.
She worked through her scheduled lunch break, finally getting a bathroom break and a few bites of her sandwich while charting at about one. Then her mother texted to tell her that Claire was out of surgery.
That was a relief.
By the middle of the afternoon, Ava had been discharged, Emma was out of surgery and in recovery, and little Sebastian was on his way to the OR.
Ellie was hanging a second bag of antibiotics for Ryder, who was sleeping, when her father walked into the room. “Hey.”
She’d been expecting to see him. Most of the kids here were his patients, children he’d known since the day they were born. Though the children were in the care of hospitalists for the moment, he wanted to see them and keep up on what was happening with their treatment. He was just that kind of doctor.
He gave Ellie a side hug and walked over to Ryder’s mother. “It looks like Ryder’s in good hands. How are you holding up, Marie?”
Marie stood and accepted a hug, her voice quavering. “How could something like this happen? I feel terrible for the Kirbys.”
“Sometimes there’s no ‘how’ or ‘why’ in life. Bad things just happen.”
Ellie got the antibiotics flowing into Ryder’s IV, then went to check on Emma, who had just been wheeled back into her room. She and her father went room to room separately, each doing their job. They’d run into each other at the hospital many times before, but never under such awful circumstances.
Ellie was finishing the uneaten half of her sandwich when her father came up behind her, bent down, and kissed her cheek.
“I’m heading into my office. Keep me posted, okay?”
Ellie, caught with her mouth full, nodded.
“Have I ever told you what a damned good nurse you are?”
Ellie turned in her seat to look up at him. “Thanks. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.”
A moment after her father left, Kathy, one of the younger LPNs, hurried over to her. “Was that old goat hitting on you? He was totally hitting on you.”
Ellie had just taken her last bite of sandwich and almost choked to death laughing. “That old goat is my father.”
Jesse drove straight from the slopes to the rock gym, where he changed into climbing clothes and climbed laps up the wall, going for speed, building up a sweat. He told himself that he was working on endurance, but he really just wanted to get his heart pumping, burn off the frustration that had been eating at him all day, get his head straight.
He’d had his shit together until he’d let himself get distracted by a pair of pretty green eyes. Now he was having nightmares again. Why?
Hell, he didn’t know. Because he enjoyed being with Ellie? Because he had feelings for her? Because he liked her kids? Because they’d talked about yesterday’s bus crash and the little boy she’d lost?
For fuck’s sake. None of that made any sense.
He self-belayed and took a breather, shaking out his arms. His cell phone buzzed in the pocket of his climbing pants. He pulled it out.
Megs.
“Moretti.”
“Knockers is holding a fundraiser tonight to raise money for the Kirby boy’s funeral. Hawke’s having a pretty rough time of it today. He’s the one who pulled the boy out of the wreckage. I thought you might want to stop by, do your part for the Kirby family, and maybe hang with Hawke. You know what he’s going through.”
Shit. Yeah. He did.
“I’m at the rock gym. Give me a few minutes to shower, and I’m on my way.”
He hit the locker room, showered, and then headed off to Knockers. The parking lot was packed, forcing him to park down the street and walk. He pushed through the front doors. The Timberline Mudbugs were playing on stage, and the place was full.
“Jesse!” a tiny voice called.
He turned and saw Daisy running toward him, her mother standing with Daniel in her arms a few feet away. “Hey, Daisy.”
Ellie smiled when she saw him. It was a genuine smile that reached her eyes, and it lit up something inside him.
He took Daisy’s hand, walked over to Ellie. “You here for the fundraiser?”
She nodded. “I’m waiting for a table. We might have to go because the kids are pretty hungry, and there’s a twenty-minute wait.”
At that moment, Rain walked up and handed him a menu. “Hey, Jesse, the Team’s back at the usual table. It looks like you’ve made a friend.”
“This is Daisy, Ellie Meeks’ little girl.”
“Hey, sweetie.”
“Can we get a couple of—I don’t know—high chairs or whatever?”
Rain nodded. “You bet.”
Jesse scooped Daisy up and headed toward the Team table. He glanced over at Ellie. “You coming?”
Everyone was here, several tables grouped together. The surprise on their faces when he walked up holding Daisy was priceless.
“Well, now I’ve seen everything,” Megs said.
Hawke and Taylor got to their feet and said hello to Ellie.
Lexi waved. “Hey, Ellie.”
Ellie said hello back, then explained for Jesse’s benefit. “We know each other from high school. They were all in the same class as Dan.”
“Oh. Right.” Because everyone knew everyone, except Jesse, who after almost three years was still sometimes called “the new guy.”
Rain walked up carrying two wooden high chairs. “Hey, Herrera, do you mind?”
“What?”
Jesse was more direct. “Move.”
People scooted around the table to make room for them. Megs moved to a different seat entirely, opening up the spot next to Hawke. Jesse helped Ellie arrange the high chairs so that the twins could sit between them and so that he could sit beside Hawke. Only after they sat did he realize the disadvantage of this arrangement: He wasn’t sitting next to Ellie.
Megs watched this with interest.
Jesse turned to her. “What?”
She got an innocent look on her face. “I just never thought I’d see you carrying a toddler. You must like her quite a lot—not the toddler, the mother.”
Jesse ignored that and hoped that Ellie hadn’t overheard. He hadn’t come here to talk with Megs anyway. He turned to Hawke. “Hell of a day yesterday.”
Hawke took a sip of scotch. “Yeah. You could say that.”
“Ellie took care of the Kirby boy in the ER.”
Hawke’s gaze shifted to Ellie. “Yeah?”
“That’s not something anyone should really know,” Ellie whispered.
A server came to take people’s orders. Jesse opted for a burger. Ellie wanted a salad for herself and chicken fingers, French fries and milk for the kids, plus crackers for them to munch on until the meal arrived.
Ellie glanced around the table. “So this is the famous Team.”
“More like infamous,” Conrad said.
While Ellie got into a conversation with Lexi about pregnancy, Jesse found himself talking with Hawke and Taylor and distracting hungry little Daniel with crackers.
“I guess if we need a babysitter, we’ll call Moretti here,” Taylor said.
This made everyone who’d heard Taylor laugh.
“Hey, laugh all you want. I babysat these two by myself yesterday.”
Taylor stared at him. “No way!”
Ellie overheard this and came to his rescue. “He did a great job of it, too.”
That shut them up.
The food had just arrived at the table, when the band fell silent and Caribou Joe—Joe Moffat, the pub’s eccentric owner—got up on the stage and took the mic.
“I want to thank everyone for turning out tonight. Our town has suffered a terrible tragedy, and there are lots of families suffering this evening—families with kids who are still in the hospital, some still fighting for their lives. The Kirby family—Carrie and Jim—lost their firstborn, Tyler, who was only six. All of tonight’s profits go to help with his funeral expenses. Anything above that will go into a fund to help cover hospital costs for the injured. There’s also a two-gallon jar for donations at the bar. Let’s fill it.”
Cheers.
“I also want to thank this community’s first responders. Eric Hawke—is he back there, hiding with the Team?”
Hawke looked startled at being singled out. He stood.
“Let’s give a hand to Eric Hawke, our fire chief, and his crew at the firehouse. Our first responders did one hell of a job yesterday. They saved young lives. Their meals are on the house tonight.”
More cheers.
Hawke waved, a tight smile on his face, then sat again.
“One last thing—for the love of God, don’t drink and drive. You take your life into your hands and the lives of strangers, lives like little Tyler’s, when you do. Thanks.”
Jesse glanced over at Ellie to see tears on her cheeks.
Ellie traded places with Jesse so that she and Eric could talk more privately. She didn’t know him well, but she could tell that Tyler’s death had hit him hard. Eric’s beautiful wife Victoria sat beside him, listening, her fingers twined with his.
“You did all the right things—large bore IVs opened wide, c-collar, ventilation, sterile dressing over his head wound. There was nothing more you or anyone could have done except go back in time and prevent that crash. He had massive internal organ damage, and we just couldn’t get to all of it fast enough.”
Eric seemed to take this in. “Must’ve been a hell of a day for the ER crew.”
“It stretched our resources to the limit. I worked in pediatrics today, and we were busy.” Ellie took a sip of her Coke, fighting her own emotions. “I’m hoping we’ll use this as a way of revamping our response plans for mass-casualty events.”
“I’d like to work with the hospital on that if I can. I’ll give them a call, see if we can put something together with the sheriff’s department and the ambulance services that responded. Maybe we can run through this and find ways to improve.”
Ellie reached across the table, took Eric’s hand in hers to comfort him just like she would anyone in her care who was grieving. “Please don’t torture yourself. You guys did the very best you could for those kids. You saved lives. Tyler was beyond any of us.”
It broke her heart to say it, but it was true.
A muscle clenched in Eric’s jaw. “Thanks.”
“How old are your twins?” Victoria asked.
“They’ll be three in April.” Ellie glanced over at the kids to find Jesse flying French fry airplanes covered with ketchup into Daniel’s mouth.
“They’re adorable.”
Eric shook his head. “Don’t go getting ideas.”
“We agreed to wait for a few years, and I’m not changing that.”
“Yeah?” Eric looked like he didn’t believe his wife. “She and Lexi are best friends. As soon as that baby’s here, I’m afraid Vickie is going to want one of her own.”
Victoria laughed at this. “I will—eventually.”
By now, Daisy had resorted to throwing French fries onto the floor—which meant that it was time to go.
Ellie took two wet wipes out of her handbag and cleaned the ketchup off the kids’ fingers. “I need to get them home, bathed, and in bed. I work tomorrow. Did the server bring our checks?”
“I paid already,” Jesse said.
Ellie stared at him. “You paid—for all three of us?”
“Yes, all three of you. You think I’d make the kids pay for themselves?”
She laughed. “Thank you. That was incredibly kind of you.”
He shrugged it off. “It was nothing.”
She leaned closer. “There’s ketchup on your cheek.”
“Oh. Yeah.” He wiped it off. “Thanks.”
She stood. “Nice to see you all.”
“Nice to see you, too, Ellie,” Hawke said. “Come around more often.”
Ellie put the amount she’d planned to spend in the donation jar. Then Jesse helped her get the kids out to the car and into their car seats. For a moment they stood in the parking lot in awkward silence.
She reached out, took his hand. “Thanks for dinner. That’s the second night you’ve fed the three of us.”
He raised her hand to his lips, kissed it. “You’re welcome.”
“I’d invite you over, but I’m beat. I’m probably going to bed as soon as the kids are asleep.” It was disappointing to have to admit it.
He nodded. “Yeah. I need to hit the sack early, too.”
She stood on tiptoes and kissed him. “See you.”
“Yeah.” He turned and walked away.
She felt the pull of it, this parting, regret tugging at her. She turned toward him again just as he turned to face her, and they spoke at the same time.
“Maybe—”
“We could—”
They laughed.
“You first,” he said.
“Maybe you could pop over an hour from now, and we could talk.”
“I’d like that.”
Jesse finished brushing his teeth and stared at his reflection in the mirror.
What the hell are you doing?
God, he didn’t know.
His life felt like it was spinning out of control, as if he was no longer in the driver’s seat—which was absurd. No one was in control of his life but him. And yet…
In a period of two weeks, he’d helped Ellie get home, made out with her like a high school kid, babysat the twins, made her dinner, bought her dinner at Knockers. And now he was going to walk over just to talk.
Shit.
He didn’t do relationships, especially not with kids in the picture.
If it quacks like a relationship and walks like a relationship...
Okay, so, this was starting to look a lot like a relationship. That’s certainly what they’d left his fellow Team members thinking.
Maybe if he and Ellie had fucked that night, things would have stayed simple. They’d be living their own lives, hooking up a couple times a week to blow off sexual steam. He wouldn’t be having nightmares or talking to his own fucking reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Get a grip.
He walked out of the bathroom, put on his snow boots, and grabbed his parka.
Maybe he was just horny and this desire to be with her was nothing more than lust. It had been a long time since he’d gotten laid, after all, and he had the same urges as any man. Then again, he’d never let the need for sex drive him. Repeated deployments meant that he was used to going long periods with just his right hand for company. It wasn’t like he was going to come undone if he didn’t get pussy.
Yeah, he wanted Ellie, but there was more to it than that. He enjoyed spending time with her, enjoyed listening to her voice, liked watching her interact with her kids. He admired her, too. She was smart, sweet, compassionate. He’d watched tonight when she’d spoken with Hawke and had seen the effect her words had had on him. She’d helped Hawke more than he ever could have.
Terra incognita.
Unknown territory.