by BJ Wane
He grabbed her wrist but smiled to soften his refusal. “I know, and appreciate it, but I’m good.” At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.
Nothing has changed. Nan Meyers breathed a sigh of relief as she peered out the taxi window as they drove through her small hometown of Willow Springs, Montana on a quiet Monday morning. There had been so many changes in her life the ten months she’d been away, she didn’t think she could handle it if she’d finally gotten the nerve to return home and found a lot of things weren’t as she’d left them. She needed the soothing comfort of small-town living, the embrace of warm friendships and the time to find herself again more than a spring blossom needed the sun to survive.
Looping around the quaint town square with its gurgling fountain and century-old buildings, she instructed the cab driver to take her around the back of the block of small shops and businesses. Parking behind the tea shop she inherited from her grandmother, she grabbed her bag and got out, handing him his fare through the window.
“Thank you. Have a nice day.”
She waited in the empty alley until he drove away, standing next to her car where she’d left it parked so long ago. She’d timed her arrival during mid-morning, when everyone would be at work and few people were out and about shopping yet. With her emotions in a turmoil and her confidence still shattered into a million pieces, she needed to get her bearings before seeing anyone she knew well yet.
Nan took a moment to bask in the mid-May sun warming her face before clutching her suitcase and reaching for her keys. When she’d left for a short visit with her brother in New Orleans last summer, she had only planned on being away for a few weeks, thus the one bag. Getting involved with Gerard Avet and her own stupidity kept her away much longer. A shudder ran through her as the memories she was determined to overcome flitted through her head. Her brother, Jay had begged her to hold off a little longer on returning, insisting she wasn’t ready to go it alone. But she wanted her life back, and her life was here, in the beloved town where they’d both grown up before Jay left for college and their parents died in a car accident a few short months after retiring.
Nan inserted the key and let herself into the back door of the two-story shop, veering left and up the rear stairs to the apartment she’d lived in with her grandmother following the loss of her parents shortly after her seventeenth birthday. With Jay settling in New Orleans following college instead of coming back home to Montana, it had been just the two of them the last seven years of Nana’s life. Jay visited often and the three of them had remained close, sharing the burden of grief along with the cherished memories of their family, but Nana passed away over eight years ago and Nan returned to the apartment with a stab of nostalgia.
Opening the door, she was unprepared to face the darkened interior, the flash of instant terror keeping her rooted on the threshold. Gripping the doorknob, she sucked in a deep breath, fighting off the throat clogging fear threatening to choke her. I’m fine, this is home. Gerard is in New Orleans awaiting trial. The silent assurances did little to calm her racing heart or settle the nausea churning in her stomach that darkness always produced. She had spent three long, terror and pain-ridden days locked in Gerard’s pitch-black basement before her rescue, long enough for fear to become entrenched into her soul with a tight clutch she’d failed to loosen in all the months since.
Sliding a shaky hand along the inside wall, she found the light switch by touch and flicked it on. The center bulb in the overhead fan lit up, dispelling the dark and easing her terror as she scanned the combined living, dining and kitchen room and breathed in the musty odor of a closed-up space. There was no distant sound of slow dripping water or the dank smell of an unfinished cellar. Shaking off the paralyzing remnants of her neurosis, she entered the small cozy home, set her suitcase down and went straight to the window to shove the blinds up and let in some much-needed fresh air and sunshine. The last of her jittery nerves settled down with the incoming breeze and bright swath of light spreading across the hardwood floor.
“Much better,” she said aloud with a decisive nod, gazing out at the mountains towering behind the buildings of the square below.
New Orleans might be rich with history and offer an array of twenty-four-seven entertainment, but Nan still preferred the wide-open, less populated spaces she’d known her whole life. For fun, there were large barbeques at the neighboring ranches and riding pell-mell across a prairie dotted with daisies and glimpsing elk among the Ponderosa Pines or Douglas Firs. The annual county fair brought a crowd from the nearest towns in the spring and with both the Red Lodge Mountain and the newest dude ranch within a thirty-minute drive, they enjoyed tourism benefits year-round.
Thinking of the new ranch and lodge that opened right before she left reminded her of meeting the owners, Greg Young and Devin Fisher, and the one ménage she’d indulged in when they’d become members of The Barn. Just thinking about the kink club owned by her closest friends’ now husbands drew a ripple of longing through her. Leaning her forehead on the windowpane, Nan closed her eyes and recalled the fun and pleasures she had indulged in as a member of the nearest BDSM club. Master Clayton, who moved away a year after the club opened, had tutored her into accepting and then embracing her sexual submissive needs, and taught her not to be ashamed of getting those needs met through pain, bondage and dominance.
It had taken Master Gerard just one short week to strip her of everything she craved and cherished about the lifestyle she’d reveled in for five years.
Pivoting from the window, Nan turned her mind to the tasks of settling back into her apartment before venturing downstairs and getting to work on what needed to be done to open her tea shop again. Her phone rang as she started to toss her purse on the kitchen counter. Pulling it out, she wasn’t at all surprised to see Jay’s name pop up. “Hello, big brother,” she answered with a warm smile.
“You got in okay? How are you holding up?” he asked, getting right to the point.
Discounting that brief lapse into fear at the door, she answered him with all honesty. “Yes, my flight arrived in Billings with no problem and I just got home. Other than looking around at the cleaning I need to do, I’m fine. But I love you for caring.”
“Always, sis. I’m a plane ride away if you need me. Don’t hesitate to call if you can’t cope.”
Nan stiffened against his good intentions. Damn it, she vowed. She would get her act together, and her life back, one way or another, without continuing to lean on her brother. “I have to do this, Jay. You know that.”
His sigh came through the line. “Yeah, I know. That doesn’t make it any easier. Remember, I saw the state you were in when we got you out of Avet’s house.”
She didn’t need the reminder. She would carry the scars on her back forever, mementos of the mistake she’d made in trusting the wrong person. “Trust me, I remember. I’ll call after I get settled back in, I promise.”
“I’ll hold you to it. Bye, sis.”
Nan hung up feeling better just from hearing her big brother’s voice. She would give anything if Jay moved back to Willow Springs but had given up trying to persuade him. He’d tried just as hard to entice her into relocating to New Orleans, but just as he’d made a life for himself there, she fostered no desire to start over anywhere else.
Brushing her hands down her jean-clad thighs, she tightened her jaw with determination and muttered aloud, “Okay, down to work.”
Chapter 2
Nan spent all of Monday doing nothing but cleaning, both her apartment and the tea shop. The good news was she fell into an exhausted sleep without nightmares and woke refreshed this morning, eager to get her butt in gear. She brought back a variety of new teas, a sampling of gourmet coffees and a large assortment of French cookies to sell in the shop, but after taking inventory yesterday and throwing away almost everything still shelved, she spent the morning in Billings on a shopping trip.
As she carried in her purchases, she knew she should let her fr
iends know she was back, but every time she thought of calling, she cringed. They’d texted and spoken often the first few weeks she’d been in New Orleans, but after her ordeal with Gerard, she hadn’t had it in her to talk to anyone from home. Her silence these past months would be hard to explain without revealing too much.
She didn’t worry as much about her three closest friends insisting on answers – they wouldn’t be happy with her but would accept her need to come forth with the whole story in her own time. Master Dan might not be so understanding. It shouldn’t have surprised her to find herself missing him the most, thinking about him the most during those traumatizing days and subsequent recovery. One reason she had searched out a BDSM group was because she’d needed a diversion from thinking about him so much.
Of the Doms Nan had submitted to at The Barn, he was not only her favorite, but knew her needs, and how to meet them the best. Despite the number of years she’d known the owners, both Dunbar brothers and Sheriff Monroe, Dan was the only one whose friendship outside of the club went a step beyond casual and stayed a comfortable margin short of committed. They’d met after her initial training and over the years had enjoyed each other enough to keep them interested in coming back for more.
Nan knew he wouldn’t accept an evasive explanation for her actions, which meant she would have to stay clear of him for a while, even if a part of her yearned to see him again.
Carrying in the last packages from the car, Nan set the bags on the long glass-enclosed counter separating the seating from her prep and serving area. She didn’t plan to reopen for a few days but filling the display case and unpacking the cute new teacups and saucers to add to her collection tempted her to flip around the closed sign and lift the shades on the glass door. The inheritance she and Jay had received from both their parents and Nana left them financially free to pursue careers regardless of the salaries. Jay had spoken of going into law enforcement in a large city for as long as she’d thought of nothing but running the tea shop. A pang tightened her abdomen as she recalled the losses that afforded them financial stability at a young age.
She was just finishing setting an array of pastries from the bakery into the refrigerator in the back room and wondering how long news of her return would take to spread when she heard a demanding rap on the front door. “I guess not long,” she mumbled with a wry shake of her head. Nan opened the door to her good friend, Tamara Barton, now Dunbar, and took a hasty step back as she pushed her way inside with a gray-eyed glare. “Hey, girlfriend.” Nan beamed in welcome, happy to see her again.
“Don’t you ‘girlfriend’ me, Nanette Meyers. You have a lot of explaining to do.” Whirling as Nan closed the door, Tamara threw her arms around her for a quick welcome-back hug and then let go to give her another disgruntled look. “Wasn’t it just a few months before you took off that you were berating me for being away so long? At least I had the decency to keep in touch.”
Nan winced with guilt. “I know, and I’m sorry.” Waving a hand toward a table, she said, “Have a seat and I’ll brew us some tea.”
“Better make enough for several cups. Avery heard of your return at the diner and called Sydney after she talked to me. They’ll be here soon.” Tamara pulled out a wrought iron chair that matched the quaint, round tables, and plopped down.
Despite the reasons for her long absence and silence, Nan had missed her friends and looked forward to catching up with her and Sydney and Avery. But she could have used a little more time to prepare for their reunion. “You look as if married life agrees with you,” she commented, changing the subject as she moved behind the counter. “How is Connor?”
Tamara waved an airy hand. “He’s good. Busy with the ranch when he’s not tying me up. Seriously, Nan.” She leaned her arms on the table with an earnest expression. “Are you all right?”
Looking away to hide the guilt rearing its ugly head, Nan chose a sweet black tea and flipped on one of the brewers. “Yes, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.”
“Or had your brother return my calls and texts. Why did you?” she persisted, concern lacing her voice.
Shaking her head, Nan dropped individual tea bags into four cups as she heard the door open behind her, followed by Sydney and Avery’s voices. Tamara had just moved back to Willow Springs last year after living in Boise for five years and Nan remembered how put out she’d been when her closest friend refused to tell her why she’d accepted a job so far away. She’d known all her friends would expect an explanation, and she owed them one, but wasn’t ready to divulge everything that had happened in New Orleans. All three had embraced the lifestyle over a year ago, but compared to her experience and needs, they were still newbies. She doubted if any of them, if single, would have sought the diversion of a Dom while away on a short vacation. Nan would pay the price for that mistake for a long time.
“We missed you, and our weekly get-togethers here. Why didn’t you tell us you were back?” Sydney asked as Nan turned and carried a tray holding the four steaming cups to the table.
“I’m waiting for an explanation for her silence.” Tamara reached for a cup, her eyes staying pinned on Nan as she took a seat next to her.
With a mock frown, Nan berated Avery even though she was at fault for putting off telling them of her return. “You had to go and blab before I got around to calling, didn’t you?”
Avery nodded without remorse, blowing on her tea. “Yes. I’ve got the hang of this small town living now.”
“Didn’t take you long,” Nan muttered. “I’m sorry. I suffered a bad experience I’m not ready to talk about yet, other than to say it has taken me this long to recover enough to come back home. But, God, I really missed you guys.”
Worry mingled with curiosity on all three of their faces, but Nan had never been more grateful for their understanding and quiet support when they let it go at that. It helped that each of her friends had, not so long ago, gone through a troubled time and also kept the details to themselves until their guys pried the truth out of them. Luckily for her, no one was interested in her that way, or she in him, to fret about being pushed into revealing her trauma before she was ready.
Avery reached out and squeezed her arm. “We missed you, too, and you know we’re here for you when you’re ready to talk.”
“Thanks for understanding.” Avery’s large diamond studded wedding band glittered under the light, catching Nan’s eye, a reminder of one important event she had missed. After hearing about Tamara and Connor’s quick engagement last year, and their plans to hold a double wedding with Sydney and Caden, she hadn’t hesitated to postpone her trip for several months to attend. She wouldn’t have missed that wedding for anything, but Avery and the sheriff’s engagement came after she was already in New Orleans. Missing that special occasion because of her traumatized emotional and physical state was only one of Nan’s lingering regrets.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for this.” She ran a finger over the stunning ring. “All I can say is I was in a bad place, one that has taken me all these months to struggle out of.”
“If someone is responsible, give us a name and we’ll sic the guys on him.” Sydney’s teasing tone was at odds with the glint of anger in her green eyes, both expressions warming Nan with gratitude.
Smiling, she relaxed and reached for a cookie. “You know, I just might let you do that sometime, but my brother will insist on getting first crack.”
“It must be nice having a close sibling,” Avery said on a wistful sigh.
Nan thought of Jay’s unyielding support and tireless efforts to get Gerard extradited back to the states after he fled the country when he’d discovered her rescue. She would not have made it through those first grueling months without him. At least she’d been smart enough not to tell Gerard about her brother, the cop.
“It is. But you have someone just as loving and supportive that I don’t, so we’re even.”
Tamara sipped her tea, eying Nan over the dainty china cup.
“You could have that too. There were several complaints from the Doms at the club over your absence. They missed you too. Master Dan questioned me several times on whether I had heard from you. You’re coming this weekend, aren’t you?”
Nan thought of the club she used to love spending weekend nights at, the Masters who were so good at giving her what she craved, dominant men she trusted with her body and who had never let her down or betrayed her feelings. It was no secret the subs favored Master Dan; he enjoyed a reputation for delivering on the promises reflected in his dark eyes. A delicate shiver trickled through her as she recalled praying for his help during those dark, painful days of captivity.
While grappling to hang on to her sanity, she’d taken to conjuring up her favorite scenes from the lifestyle her sexual dissatisfaction had led her into, all of them scenes with the Master who knew her best and she trusted the most. For short periods of time, those memories would sustain her, had kept her mind off the pain and terror she’d endured. Gerard wooed her by promising what she still craved after five plus years of embracing her submissiveness only to strip her of that pleasure by turning into a monster. She lifted a hand to trace over her bare throat. How could she continue to miss something she’d worn for so short a time yet glory in the significance of its absence? Maybe, if she ever came up with an answer as to how she could have been so stupid and trusting and changed her mind about committing to one person, she might solve that question.
Dropping her hand, she noticed her friends’ quizzical, troubled faces and rushed to reassure them. “Yeah, I should be able to make it. I’m planning an open house on Saturday but will close by seven. Now, why don’t you fill me in on what’s been going on around here, and with you guys. Avery, I need to catch up on our book comparisons. I did manage to get quite a few read while I was gone and found some new authors I like.” The two of them shared a love of suspense novels and had spent hours discussing books.