Chasing Stars

by Siler, Mercedes

  “You think your father loved you, but you see how fast he left you when he realized he didn’t have to and you were just another man’s garbage.”

  I shove her out of the room and close the door to continue packing.

  There’s no reasoning with her.

  She starts speaking through the door in Russian. I finish Dexter’s room and push past her to take the bag out to Ares who is waiting on the porch. He searches my face to see if I’m okay but I can’t look in his eyes. He grabs my wrist. “Let’s go Nikki. Or I’m coming in.”

  “I can’t see the look on your face when you hear the things she says about me.” I hand him the bags and go back in. I go back to my room and open another bag and start throwing clothes in.

  “His mother is only taking care of you for charity. She doesn’t care about you. When she finds out about you and her boy, she’ll drop you like so much rubbish. And when they see that you have ruined him, they’ll cut that baby out of you and then you’ll just be another empty whore like the rest of us. Do you think you were my first?” She shoves me into my vanity and my mirror breaks off and falls to the ground leaving splinters of glass.

  I hope I don’t have glass shards in my back. My skin tingles with fear of having itchy glass cuts all over. I stand and move aside, assessing myself.

  “Don’t leave me, Annika.”

  I feel sick. My stomach clenches. She’s crouched down next to all the glass, a long sliver in her bleeding hand.

  “Don’t make me do this. I won’t let you leave me.”

  Chills crawl up my spine.

  I don’t think she really wants to kill me. “What are you doing?” I think she’s bluffing. But I’m never sure if this is the time that everything goes to shit. I’m never sure if this is it.

  “I can’t live without you, Annika. You know I need you. You’re all I have left.”

  I turn away to finish, feeling the bulls-eye on my back and the hairs on my neck stand on end.

  Ares is here in my doorway, taking everything in as I blush in shame. “I told you to wait outside,” I tell him. I don’t want her to hurt me in front of him. I don’t want her to hurt him. I don’t want her to say things about him and taint him for me.

  “We need to go.” He takes the bags away from me and out to the car.

  “I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into!” she calls after him. She looks back at me, desperate tears in her eyes. “He won’t choose you, Annika.” She looks so sad for me. “He’s done everything right his whole life, why would he go wrong now?”

  “Shut up,” I say through gritted teeth.

  I’m losing it.

  She needs to do this to me, to make me weak. “Shut up!”

  She holds the shard of mirror to her wrist and looks into my eyes with her desperate ones, “If you leave, I have nothing to live for.”

  “This is crazy.” I whisper, hot tears burning my cheeks.

  “You think I’m crazy. You say it all the time. But who’s really crazy? You’re the one who thinks these people will love you after they know the truth.”

  “There is no truth, mama. I’m not like you. I’m smarter than that. I don’t need anyone. I can take care of myself. And I know why daddy left and it has nothing to do with me. You can’t hurt me anymore, mama. I’m stronger now.”

  She sobs and her lips shake as she squeezes her eyes shut and grits her teeth. She cries out in anguish as she carves lines into her arms with the edge of the piece of mirror.

  I stare at the rivers of red, already dripping blood.

  I’ve seen her blood so many times I can’t even make myself react. I know I should beg her to stop. I should get a towel to help her stop the bleeding. I’m just exhausted.

  She opens her eyes and looks at me while noises of pain and frustration leave her. She holds the sliver of glass to her throat. “Please, Annika. You’re the only thing I have.”

  “Shut up.” I beg, lowering myself to my knees to plead with her.

  “You’re doing everything I’ve already done. You don’t want to be like me. Please.”

  No one can stab themselves like that. “Stop it!” I yell at her. “Shut up!”

  She pushes the glass into her neck and keeps pushing. I can hear myself screaming but I can’t move because it’s too much, there’s too much blood and her eyes are filled with so much pain, they’re like a wild animal’s. She bares her teeth, blood bubbling, weak already.

  I’m screaming.

  Ares runs in and assesses the scene while I’m stuck in my spot. He grabs her before she falls and lays her down gently. He comes to me and touches me all over, checking to see if she got me, while I watch her lie there, gulping for air like a fish out of water.

  I’ve never seen so much gore. Her arms are shredded and her neck is pumping out streams of blood.

  My mother is bleeding to death.

  I push him away and crawl to her, looking around frantically. “I need something to apply pressure!” I hold my hand over the hole where the blood is bubbling up like they teach in first aid classes. “Call 911!”

  He looks angry and serious as he pulls out his phone and dials, putting the phone to his ear and answering questions.

  The edges of my vision dim. I’m going to pass out. There’s way too much blood. There’s a pool of it forming around me.

  Oh, Dexter. “You need to tell Persephone to take Dexter back to your house now before the police come. Have her call your mom just in case CPS wants to stop by.” My voice is shaky but I’m calm enough. Blood is flowing freely and I can’t stop it. Her skin is pale and her dark eyes are looking at me.

  Ares runs off.

  An intense loneliness washes over me. Tears run down my cheeks. I want to run away too.

  The bleeding slows and stops. Her eyes close and so do her lips.

  The paramedics come in and take over. They load her up and rush her away. There’s a peace I get whenever they take her away, like some of the constant, anxious ache in my chest is gone.

  I give my statement to the police in a fog. A policeman asks about Dexter and I tell him we’re both staying with a family friend. He asks if I need any help from a social worker and I say no. They look around for a little while but now they’re gone too, leaving me with the mess.

  I sit in the hall, hugging my knees and looking at the puddle of blood with its acrid metallic smell. I hate blood.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Ares

  She’s pale, stunned. “Can you call Persephone and make sure Dex is okay?” she asks, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor in the hallway.

  I pull my phone out and dial Persephone.

  “Hey. What’s going on? Is Nikki okay? What’s happening?” Persephone shoots at me, anxious.

  “I don’t know. Is Dexter ok?”

  “Yeah. His eyes are as big as they can get and he’s quiet. We’re watching An American Tail right now,” she says.

  “Did you call mom?”

  “Yeah. She said she’d get the next flight out. Is their mom okay? What’s gonna happen? That’s crazy shit, Ares,” she says, quiet.

  Nikki’s phone starts ringing and she pulls it out. She looks at me, eyes wide and shows me the caller ID that says the name of the hospital. She answers it.

  I walk away to talk to Persephone while she talks to the hospital. “I know. But that’s what she’s been telling us, right?” I stand in the kitchen. “She’s talking to the hospital right now. I wanted to make sure Dexter was okay. I’ll walk home with her when she’s done, I guess.”

  “I’ve been a shit friend so thanks for being there for her.”

  “Yeah. I’ve known her as long as you have, you know?” I notice the blood all over my hands. Revolted, I go to the sink to wash them.

  “Yeah, but you haven’t always been nice to her.”

  “I understand her better now.”

  “Is it because you have a girlfriend?”

  I want to tell her everything because she�
��s my sister and I’m feeling shitty, but I know it could destroy everything and there’s enough shit going on right now. “I guess.”

  “And she’s cool with you hanging out with Nikki?”

  “Persephone, I’ve been friends with Nikki a long time. As long as you.”

  “Good. Sisters before hos, right?”

  I roll my eyes. “Bye, Persephone.” I hang up and look to make sure all the blood is off my hands and arms.

  Nikki is sitting cross-legged in the hall, tears running down her cheeks. She looks young. And so very pale. It’s freaking me out. I get on the floor in front of her because she doesn’t look right. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” She breathes like she’s never taken a real breath before. “She’s dead.”

  “Shit.” My body suddenly feels super heavy.

  Poor Nikki.

  “Yeah. Do you think they messed up? What if they didn’t know who they were talking to? What if they were talking about someone else? She can’t be dead. She’s done this before. They wouldn’t have messed up, right?” She looks at me, completely dumbfounded. “Oh my God, I’m in denial,” she whispers, shocked. “It actually happens.”

  I frown, worried about saying the wrong thing. “Yeah. Shit.” I push my hair back. “What’d they say?”

  “They said I need to go there.” She’s starting to shake, like bad shaking.

  I look at her young-looking face and things stir in my heart. “I want to touch you, is it okay?” I don’t want her to break.

  She nods and lets me pull her close.

  I rub her to keep her warm because her skin is freezing.

  “I tried to put pressure on it and then it stopped so I thought I did a good job.” She’s in shock.

  “Let’s go to the hospital. I’ll call Persephone to come with the car.”

  “I need to get all this blood off me before Dexter freaks out. Is your mom able to come home?” She’s shivering so hard it’s hard for her to talk.

  “Yes. She’s taking the next flight back.”

  “Then he needs to stay away from the hospital where there are social workers until your mom comes back.” She puts a shaky, bloody hand to her mouth and looks like she might be sick seeing the blood gunking up around her nails. “I need to get this off.”

  I agree. “Nikki, I want to tell everyone about us so I can be with you and comfort you. I don’t want you to sleep alone.”

  She shakes her head. “You’ll be gone in a few days and I’ll be the one in the spotlight if you tell them and leave.”

  “They’ll understand.”

  “Please, Ares, I need them.”

  “What about me?” I ask, holding her tighter.

  “Please,” she begs.

  “I’ll do anything for you. Anything.”

  “I need to get out of this house. But there’s blood everywhere.”

  I get up onto my feet in a crouch. “I’ll go get you some clothes from your room and we’ll go to the stream on the way home?”

  She nods. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll wait outside.”

  I want to take a picture of her and her blood-streaked cheeks. If I don’t, I’ll never get the art just right. But I can’t ask her if I can take her picture on the worst day of her life.

  She nods. “Go ahead.”

  My heart races as I pull out my phone and take a quick picture before she goes outside and I head back to her room.

  On first glance the space is plain and bare and utilitarian: bed, curtains, closet, dressers, and vanity. All old furniture, all old, discolored white. But her vanity has her all over it. Makeup smudges and so much color everywhere, random stickers and doodles. She has a sewing machine on a table hidden in her closet along with an iron and a dresser with bits of things hanging out over the sides of open drawers. There’s a bare place on the floor with nothing around it. She has a beat up old iPod and headphones on top of the dresser and I can see her dancing there for hours, just to be happy. Her curtains are dusty old black lace. I can imagine anything she liked could be used against her. So she’s kept the things she’s loved hidden away. It makes sense. I get it.

  Most of the stuff is gone in the garbage bags I put in my car. I pick out an old t-shirt and pull a pair of black jeans and a black sports bra I’ve never seen her wear out of a drawer along with an old pair of rain boots off her dresser. I stop by the bathroom to grab some towels and tuck the clothes inside them.

  “When have you ever needed a sports bra?” I ask.

  She inspects what I brought. “In case I ever felt sporty? I hate these jeans. They make me look like a boy.” She looks at her bloody hands, disgusted.

  “Let’s go.” We walk down the road to the trail that leads to the properties down by the stream. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I look at the text from my sister. “Persephone wants to know what she should say to Dexter?”

  “I don’t know.” She’s at a loss.

  “It’s probably something he’s going to remember his entire life.”

  “I guess I’ll tell him.” She bites the insides of her cheeks.

  “Sounds good.”

  We reach the stream and I help her take her clothes off. She’s so trembly and pale. I get undressed to my undies and go in with her. It’s icy cold. So cold sex is almost the farthest thing from my mind as I hold her and help her wash. Almost. At least she’s understanding and not completely appalled. She’s so cold her lips are blue but she keeps finding more blood.

  I dunk myself and scrub vigorously under the water before getting out and pulling off my wet underwear. I pull on my jeans and towel off my freezing skin and hair. My shirt is ruined. Our clothes need to be burned. I sit and pull my socks and shoes on.

  I text my parents and Persephone while Nikki dries off. She pulls her black jeans on and the sports bra. She looks at the shirt and pulls it on. She pulls the rain boots on and straightens, placing her hand on her tummy.

  “You okay?” I move to touch her.

  “I feel like puking.”

  She looks a little better though, not as lifeless. “Are you going to?”

  She shakes her head. “No. Let’s go.”

  We walk to my house. Persephone opens the door for us and hands me the keys. “Do you need me to get you a shirt?” she asks me and runs off to get it when I say yes.

  Dexter comes running. He hugs Nikki. “What’s going on? I heard screaming and I thought she got you again.”

  She hugs him back. “No. I’m fine,” she says, shaky.

  “But something’s wrong. You guys look funny. Something happened to her, huh?” he says, suspicious.

  Persephone comes back and I pull on the shirt.

  “We’re going to the hospital, will you be okay?” Nikki asks Dexter.

  “She’s dead, isn’t she?” he asks, his voice thick.

  “The hospital said she is,” she tells him, holding onto him.

  “But you’re going to make sure? It doesn’t seem like she could be. She’s done this before. Why would it happen now?”

  “That’s how I feel too.”

  “Well, if it’s true and she’s dead we’re going to be okay, right? It means we’re safe?”

  She takes a jagged breath. “Yeah, that’s how I feel too. But I keep thinking about other things too. Sad things.”

  He shrugs. “I don’t have anything in my head about her to be sad about.”

  “It’s okay, either way, I think,” she says. “Will you be okay here with Persephone? I don’t want anyone to take you away from me without Natalie and Marc being here to help.”

  “Yeah. I’m okay.”

  “Okay. I’ll be back later.” She kisses his forehead and he smiles at her. She smiles back and walks out to the car with me. She gets in and sits in the corner, forehead on the cold glass.

  “You okay?”

  She bursts into tears.

  “It’s okay.” I turn on the heater full blast and reach out to rub her thigh and find her hand to hold while she cries.

&nbs
p; We get to the hospital and she starts filling out paperwork and meets with hospital people. They asked about organ donation and she said yes. She okayed the donation of her body so that she would have no funeral expenses. There was no one to call and Nikki’s parents never married so her dad won’t be notified.

  It’s midnight and I’m sure she’s starving and exhausted because I am. I’ve been texting my mom and she said she’d come straight to the hospital and be with her. I’m grateful my mother loves her so much and it has nothing to do with me.

  My mother texts me she’s here and I turn to Nikki. “My mom is here. She’s coming up. I’ll go find a vending machine when she gets here.” I kiss her cheek quickly and hug her before my mom gets here and I can’t.

  I stand when she comes in and she looks me over first. Satisfied, she moves to console Nikki.

  I stay standing as they sit. “I’ll be right back.” I walk out of the waiting room and the hall to the elevator. I go all the way down and wander around until I find a vending machine. I put a few dollars in it and keep pressing buttons, watching things fall until my money runs out. I sit in the lobby and eat a Twix.

  The adrenaline is long gone.

  Her mother is dead. I can’t even let myself think about my mom dying.

  Tears spring to my eyes and I hang my head, thinking, trying to change my thought path.

  I look at the ceiling and try to blink back emotional tears.

  I walk back to the elevator to be with my mom and Nikki. I need to be with them.

  I text Persephone to make sure she and Dexter are okay.

  Now I call Marc.

  “Hey, Ares,” he answers. “You okay?”

  I nod automatically. I’m glad to hear his voice.

  “I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’m at the airport now. Take care of everyone for me, okay? Everything’s gonna be okay. She’ll get through this. She’s a tough girl.”

  I nod and stop, getting tears again. I lean on the wall in a corridor, blinking them back.