This sense of nostalgia comes over many when they picture prairie living, ironic since it certainly didn’t appear romantic to those who endured its hardships. So what, exactly, keeps drawing new generations to Little House? I believe it’s the concept of living slow. That’s what the Ingalls family embodies, and what some part of us cries out for, even as we inhabit a society drastically different from theirs.
Laura Ingalls Wilder (1867–1957) created this world that now resides in our imaginations. The second daughter born to Caroline and Charles Ingalls just after the Civil War, her family lived at the cusp of a new American Dream, part of a wave of pioneers ready to take on the world and the land. Their quest took them from Wisconsin to Kansas, back to Wisconsin, on to Iowa, then to Minnesota, and finally to South Dakota, where they settled long-term.
It was so wonderful to be there, safe at home, sheltered from the winds and the cold. Laura thought that this must be a little like heaven, where the weary are at rest.
THE LONG WINTER
The family included adventure-seeking Charles (Pa), loving and orderly Caroline (Ma), prim and proper firstborn Mary, and mischievous half-pint Laura. Later two more daughters followed, Carrie and Grace, as well as a son who, sadly, passed away. In the books we get to know our young heroine as a tomboy, a nature lover, an occasional rule breaker. As Laura grows older, we glimpse a young lady with a gift for writing, a desire to learn, and an openness to try new things. We also see a grim determination to persevere through opposition and failure.
Researchers think that Laura may fit into the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator as an INFP—the introverted type referred to as the Mediator, known for being “poetic, kind, and altruistic, always eager to help a good cause.”2 I find it interesting that of the four authors we discuss in this book, Laura alone carries a “P” in her personality letter lineup. This stands for perceiving, which has to do with the way one mentally views, and practically orders, one’s outer world. Someone with a Perceiving function prefers keeping their options open, going with the flow, and is usually gifted at adapting to whatever comes, all qualities that would serve a pioneer well and might also help explain why Laura waited until her retirement years to start writing.
The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.
WRITTEN IN A LETTER TO CHILDREN IN FEBRUARY 1947
Laura became a mother at a young age, like many women on the prairie. She married her first love, Almanzo, in South Dakota at the age of eighteen and gave birth to her daughter, Rose, a year later. Her son, born a few years afterward, died tragically in infancy. The young family of three eventually moved to Missouri, where they bought land they called Rocky Ridge Farm. Rose grew up to become a well-known writer and journalist, and at the start of the Great Depression, she encouraged her mother to write about her childhood experiences, both to earn income and give hope to those suffering through another difficult time in history. After a handful of rejections, an editor suggested that a title for eight- to twelve-year-olds might be more marketable than what she’d previously submitted. Laura went on to pen eight such novels, each more successful than the last, with the draft of a ninth published after her death. Later came the popular television show, which strayed far from the novels’ story lines yet held to the same ideals and values.
Though still popular, controversy swirls around the Little House series. Some find it troubling that the novels are only semiautobiographical. Indeed, Laura herself once said, “All I have told is true but it is not the whole truth.”3 This never disturbed me as a reader, since the Ingallses lived in my head as a fictional family based on a real one. Next comes the suggestion that Rose wrote the Little House books herself, taking her mother’s notes and memories, then filling in the gaps with her polished writing skills. Entire books have been created about this conspiracy theory, both for and against it. In the end, I think it likely that Rose guided her mother through the complicated world of publishing and served as her in-house editor, making suggestions and cowriting or rewriting passages when she thought she could improve them.
Of course, we must also discuss the racism toward both Native and African-Americans in certain passages of the series. At times Laura and Pa display acceptance of those who differ from them, but in other instances the novels reflect wrongly held prejudices and injustices of the period. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend handing the books over to your children, but instead reading them together, discussing excerpts as you come to them or skipping those with which you disagree.4 I appreciate how the television series delivered Laura’s ideas to a new generation, advocating for more diversity, equity, and inclusion of those with all skin colors and abilities.
Some old-fashioned things like fresh air and sunshine are hard to beat. In our mad rush for progress and modern improvements let’s be sure we take along with us all the old-fashioned things worth while.
A FAMILY COLLECTION
In spite of my misled, starry-eyed notions of the past, I don’t want to go back to the days before indoor plumbing and modern conveniences. But I do want to see the wonder in the ordinary again. Laura understood this desire, and I long to recapture the beauty of my everyday by following her example.
INTROVERTED MOM TAKEAWAYS FROM LAURA INGALLS WILDER
Community matters.
On the prairie, you depended upon whoever lived near you, for both friendship and survival. Today we see loneliness on the rise as we’ve become more isolated and lack deep connections. Whether or not it’s with those next door, community still matters for extroverts and introverts.
Work toward greater self-reliance.
Pride comes from knowing how to take care of yourself, a fact those on the frontier understood by necessity. Study gardening, sewing, candle or soap making, preserving food, chopping wood, or whatever sounds fun, then share it with your children to nurture confidence and family bonds. I am far from the crafty type, but even I made taper candles out of beeswax a few times! (Find the link to my detailed instructions in the endnotes.5)
Appreciate small pleasures.
Those of us who’ve never had to go without can struggle with gratitude; it’s tough to feel grateful for what we’ve always known. Whether it’s writing in a journal or using a gratitude app, let’s find a way to hold onto and count our blessings. You don’t have to do this daily to reap the benefits; once a week I try to keep a journal page by my side throughout the day, writing down the good things that come across my path, large or small. It’s a mood shifter!
Family lasts forever.
If you’re blessed to have family, and not everyone does, pause for a moment to honor that imperfect miracle. Our family is the closest we get to the eternal this side of heaven. The Ingallses depended on each other, entertained each other, and supported each other. I pray this unconditional commitment takes root in our home, too.
An ordinary life is beautiful.
It’s ironic that the Ingalls family became famous for being ordinary, for the common life thousands of others also lived at the time. We mistakenly have the idea these days that we must be more, do more, build an impressive legacy. The Ingallses lived small, yet around the world millions still long for what they represent.
WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT LAURA? CHECK OUT:
•The first full-length work she had published: Little House in the Big Woods (published in 1932, when she was sixty-five)
•Her (fictionalized) love story: These Happy Golden Years, Little House Book No. 8 (published in 1943, when she was seventy-six)
•Something a little different: Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography (first published in 2014, yet written in 1929 when she was sixty-two, it served as the basis of the Little House novels)
•This work about her: Laura Ingalls Wilder: A Writer’s Life by Pamela Smith Hill
REFLECTIONS FOR INTROVERTED MOMS
A Dishwa
sher’s Meditation
The clear water runs over and around my hands, pours warm from the faucet as I stand at the window.
Eager to end, I tackle the sink’s pile one by one, a needed chore to get over and done.
Then I think of those who spend hours walking for water, those who’d marvel at this mundane miracle.
Pausing, I reconsider what my mess represents: Abundance, family, enough.
Years ago, one of the kids scribbled in my Bible with a crayon.
I cried, feeling like nothing was sacred, nothing my own.
Now I wish I’d cherished the gift, written the date, age, smiled:
Often the things that go wrong create the best memories.
I hold that lesson today: not wishing my mess away, but savoring the sacred around me.
Soon the dish pile will dwindle as young adults leave this home.
And ten years from now I might long for scribbles and dishes to wash,
which means that what I’ve wanted all along is right here:
my heart’s desire in my own backyard. I don’t want to lose it.6
Reflections from Introverted Moms
HOW DO YOU BRING MORE CALM AND QUIET INTO YOUR OUTER LIFE AND / OR YOUR INNER LIFE AS AN INTROVERTED MOM?
By refusing to participate in the outer chaos of “too much” and all the other “must-dos” that so many around us participate in. Most everyone we know is committed to something almost every night or day of the week and often eat in the car on the way to the next “thing.” It’s difficult to stay out of this fray since that’s often the only avenue to friendships where we live, but we’ve found that it only leads to transactional living rather than relational living and that, too, is exhausting. We choose slow and quiet to ensure peace.
TARA, TENNESSEE
I read once that Susanna Wesley used to throw her apron over her head when the chaos around her got to be too much. So when the noise or chaos gets to me, I pull my sweatshirt or blanket or even just my hands over my face and pray. It helps to refocus me, but also alerts my kiddos that they have crossed the line in some way and need to calm down. Double win!
ANNIE, PENNSYLVANIA
Two or three times a year, I spend a day alone and (more or less) in silence. I journal, read, plan, take a walk—anything that is quiet and reflective. There is an older, retired lady in my church who is a prayer partner and mentor to me. She encourages me to do this. She also volunteers to babysit if I can’t get a sitter. It has been such a beneficial time to refocus and renew my energy.
HEATHER, SINGAPORE
I purged my house of anything that didn’t serve a specific purpose or make our space more beautiful. Painted our open concept a calming color. I basically reduced the visual clutter and made specific places for my eye to rest. It helped so much more than I thought it would.
SHANNON, GEORGIA
As a young single mom, I tried to keep up with my single friends. As an older single mom, I learned to take care of me and not try to keep up with my extroverted friends. I remind myself that I am a person with wants and needs that matter. I remind myself that telling my kids “no” to extracurricular activities (or limiting them to one) will not kill them. I will be a better mom without the stress of running to practices / rehearsals / recitals. Whatever relaxes me, I’ve learned to schedule that in like an appointment. There was a point in time when I needed a nap in the afternoons. That was the thirty minutes I allowed my kids to watch TV or use their tablets. I refused to feel guilt over that, and I was a much nicer person because of it.
KARYN, CONNECTICUT
I have realized that I don’t need to apologize for my need to have “real” conversations. I tend to keep things to myself otherwise. Luckily, I’m blessed to have a husband and a few close friends who will sit down and have meaningful conversations about dreams for the future, God, politics, and insights on self-reflection. I have met myself for the first time over these last few years, and I’m thirty-five. Some people know who they are early on. I’m a late bloomer. What I’m trying to say is that when my mind and my soul are being fed, and are expanding, my outer and inner life experience a calm, quiet kind of peace unmatched by anything else I’ve ever known.
KRISSY, WISCONSIN
CHAPTER 11
your own happiness
ON UNCOVERING JOY
You must be the best judge of your own happiness.
JANE AUSTEN, EMMA
Just because you can do something, Jamie, doesn’t mean you have to.” Mom’s words rang true in my spirit, exactly what I needed to hear.
I had overextended myself. Again. Living in Washington DC, a higher education mecca, meant that nearly everyone you knew had either attended or planned to attend graduate school to get their master’s. As a lifelong learner who hadn’t yet found meaningful work in the world, I figured I might as well do the same. So on top of my first full-time job, I began preparing for the GRE exam and filling out applications. I studied off and on for months, then took the test. Soon an acceptance letter arrived in our mailbox. Now, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to study, but did I let that slow me down? Of course not! Instead, I barreled ahead full-steam, eventually settling on a master’s in Teaching English as a Second Language. I had never, ever wanted to teach, so why I thought this made sense, I have no idea. But I think it’s because they didn’t offer a master’s in Overnight Writing Success, a program I totally would have enrolled in.
Night classes were the only ones that fit my schedule, meaning I’d come home on the train from work, then plunge back into DC commuter traffic. Only a few weeks into this new routine, I began to suffer, and my husband would probably say he did, too! I developed aches and pains all over and felt exhausted much of the time. Yet again, it seemed as though everyone else could keep up a pace that I couldn’t. But how could I abandon the program when I had worked so hard to get in?
Nearing the end of my strength, I called Mom. (It’s probably clear from my stories that my telephone only gets used during negative emotional spirals!) Deep down, I wanted to quit, but I knew I could press on, do the work, manage, make it through. Mom reminded me that just because I could didn’t mean I should. “There are many things you’re capable of doing successfully; it’s all about finding the right ones,” she said.
Sweet relief flooded my mind as I finally accepted this truth. I became the happiest dropout in history, practically skipping into the registrar’s office to deliver my withdrawal form. Intentionally choosing less brought back my joy and brought me back. Mom’s lesson has come in handy repeatedly over the years, especially since I became a mother myself. I still have to tell myself that just because I can do something as a mom doesn’t mean I have to. When I forget this, I crumble under pressure to grow and cook all my family’s food from scratch, have a dazzling career, and make my kids’ childhood idyllic. When I remember, I release the pressure and find myself one step closer to happiness.
Have you ever taken a walk with a toddler? They rarely care about the destination or about how quickly we get there, but instead exclaim over every small insect, every interesting flower (or weed) along the way. From them we learn that joy can never be rushed. It’s much easier to find it in life’s wide-open spaces, which is why we must protect them.
STOP TRYING TO BE HAPPY AND YOU JUST MIGHT BE HAPPIER
Eleanor Roosevelt once wrote that “happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”1 Although we now live in a society that makes this elusive quality its one great aim, this wasn’t always the case. Throughout most of history, people viewed happiness as something they didn’t have much control over. But during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, the idea began to circulate that anyone could walk through the doorway to happiness. They simply had to discover and unlock it. Thomas Jefferson cemented this sentiment in Western culture when he wrote in the Declaration of Independence that all men had the right to “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”2 Did he understand that this pursuit could go on and
on, however, and could actually detract from its desired purpose?
Not long ago, I enrolled in a free online course hosted by the University of California, Berkeley, called The Science of Happiness. Together with thousands of participants worldwide, I spent two months delving into what brain researchers have learned about this topic and how we can implement their findings in our daily lives. One of my biggest aha moments happened in the very first week, when instructors described the modern-day condition they call “the unhappiness of not being happy.” I recognized right away an ailment I have suffered from. They went on to explain that studies have shown those who pursue happiness relentlessly seem less able to obtain it, setting too high a standard for their emotional state, then experiencing disappointment when they don’t meet that level. But those who accept their current emotions, understanding that life will inevitably have ups and downs, tend to rate themselves as happier overall.3
If striving after happiness tends to squash it, what have researchers found that works better? According to professors Lahnna Catalino, Sara Algoe, and Barbara Fredrickson, the answer is “prioritizing positivity.” In one study they found that participants who added positive experiences to their days reported more positive emotions, more life satisfaction, and fewer depressive symptoms than those who endeavored to feel good nonstop.4 What can we learn from this? Instead of analyzing our emotions, let’s analyze our schedules. Let’s build in time for the interests we know bring us to life. Not just those we do alone, but activities we do with and for others as well—because kindness also correlates strongly with a happy life. As we structure our daily rhythms around these moments, we’ll begin to see happiness grow naturally.
Introverted Mom Page 14