Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

by Phil Foglio

  Down on the meaner-than-usual streets of Mechanicsburg, the presumptive ruler thereof was trotting along at a fair pace when she noticed the man beside her was having a rough time keeping up with her. She stopped and Van gratefully stumbled up alongside her, gasping mightily. I’m not even breathing hard, Agatha realized. Thank you, Zeetha. From behind came the giant tiger clank that was now Otilia. Krosp rode on top, looking about with great interest.

  Clamped delicately in its jaws was the scruff of Violetta’s tunic. The Smoke Knight had been hit particularly hard by the Doom Bell and had yet to revive. Agatha had thought about leaving her somewhere safe, but looking around she was forced to come to the conclusion that no such place existed within the town walls. “I think we’ve lost them,” she told Van.

  “Good,” he panted. “I didn’t know they even made those electric wasps anymore.”

  “They don’t. You can’t get the parts.”

  Van looked interested. “Really? We should sell those.”

  Agatha rolled her eyes. “I think the first thing I should do is get up to the city walls. See what we’re facing.”

  Van sucked in a huge lungful of air and tried to look authoritative. “No way. I’m taking you to the cathedral, where it’s safe.”

  “How am I supposed to get anything done from there?”

  “You won’t. The Jägers and the other monsters will do the fighting. That’s what they were made for! You are the last Heterodyne. You have to be kept safe until the town is secure. You’ve done your part! You fixed the Castle. The Doom Bell rang. At this point, what else can you do?”

  Agatha was startled by Van’s vehemence and stepped back, only to run into a wall. No, she looked around, not a wall. A statue. They were in Heterodyne Square, and she found herself staring up at the famous iron statue of the Heterodyne Boys. Her father, personified in metal, standing there so strong and so pleased with himself. Uncle Barry, recognizable to her, but oh so much younger and happier than she had ever seen him in life, confident and ready for anything. Both of them were giving their famous “thumbs up” signal, implying there was nothing they couldn’t handle. They were before her larger than life and, as far as the town was concerned, completely useless. Well, unless I could find a way to drop them onto an attacker, she thought.

  Mechanicsburg has always needed a Heterodyne, Agatha noted to herself. And the Heterodyne it has right now when it needs one more than ever is me.

  “Wrong question, Herr von Mekkhan,” Agatha said in a voice rich in the harmonics of the spark. Vanamonde stared at her as she went on. “I am the Heterodyne. My town is under attack. The question you should be answering is: What can’t I do?”

  Agatha wouldn’t have been a spark if she couldn’t have continued in this vein for several more minutes, but she was knocked out of the moment by a burst of cheering overridden by a strong female voice. “Ho! Now dot’s de right attitude, sveethot!” Agatha whirled and saw crowds of Jägers pouring into the square from all different directions. Foremost was Mamma Gkika, clad in her shining golden armor and toting a gigantic battle axe over her shoulder. “Bot effen if hyu iz a strong spark, if neffer hurts to half a nize army to back hyu op!”

  Before Agatha could move, she was swept up into a fierce hug that lifted her off the ground. “Zo hyu iz de new Heterodyne,” the giantess murmured as she gave her another squeeze. “Velcome home, sveetie!”

  Agatha struggled to breathe and gasped out, “Who . . . are . . . you?”

  “Ho!” Agatha found herself gently deposited on the ground, and the Jäger fired off a crisp salute. “Jäger General Gkika at hyu service, m’Lady!” She clapped her hands and continued, “And deez iz my boyz.” As one, several hundred slouching Jägers snapped to parade-ground attention while issuing a joyful roar that echoed all over the town. Gkika nodded and smiled proudly. “Hyour boyz, ektually.”

  “Thank you,” Agatha said. She turned to the assembled monster soldiers. “I’m so glad you’re here.” She couldn’t really think of what else to say. Her throat tightened and the tears were threatening to return to her eyes. “I’m . . . sorry it took me so long to return.”

  It was evidently the perfect thing to say. The group simultaneously dropped to one knee and with one voice shouted, “Dot’s hokay, ve kept busy!” This was apparently as much formality as they could manage. The shout dissolved into great peals of wild, delighted laughter.

  Agatha turned back to General Gkika. “I didn’t know there were other generals.”

  Gkika grinned. “Hyu just met dose three old ogres on Castle Wulfenbach, yez?” She gave Agatha a conspiratorial nudge. “Lucky for hyu dere iz more of us dan dot.” She stood up. “Ven dis iz all calmed down, hyu vill get to meet all ov us. But for now, my boys tell me dot dere iz more trouble on de vay, und hy haff not seen any decent trouble in ages! Dis iz gonna be fun!”

  Agatha felt a touch of relief. Here was someone she could ask for advice and probably even get it. “Okay general, what should we do first?”

  Gkika nodded. “De first ting ve gots to do iz collect all de invaders dot iz schtill messed op from de Doom Bell. Den ve start pooshink out the vuns dot ain’t messed op and mess dem op ourselves. Der townspipple should start shoring op de defenses, although . . . ” She looked troubled.

  “What?”

  “Ve iz unprepared, Mistress. No enemy has effer breached our valls like dis before. De Kestle is supposed to be in charge of de town defenses, but it iz obviously schtill damaged.” She looked at Agatha seriously. “Dis iz not goink to be easy.”

  Agatha took a deep breath. “Well, let’s find out just how tough it’s going to be.”

  Gkika nodded. “Hy gots just de place.”

  Shortly thereafter, Agatha stood atop a precarious-looking tower that rose several stories higher than the buildings around it. The rooftop area was girt with odd observation devices as well as assorted levers Van assured her did nothing “. . . at the moment.”

  Mamma spread her arms proudly. “De Heterodyne’s Observation Tower! Iz de perfect place to direct battles und speet on pipple!” Agatha looked around. It was perfect. The Jäger continued, “Und ven hyu iz not fighting, hyu ken bring hyu boyfriend op here. Diz plaze gets hit by lightning all de time. Iz verra romantink!”

  The thought brought a flush to Agatha’s cheek. She covered it by looking through a massive telescope. The Awful Tower swam into view, lightning crackling along its length.98 Agatha jerked back in surprise. A quick search found a dial that was currently set to PARIS. She nodded in appreciation and snapped it to LOCAL. The tower shuddered as gears began adjusting the viewer’s focal points. Agatha turned back to the Jäger. “You say there’s trouble coming. What kind?”

  “Ve haff a bit ov breathing spaze,” Mamma admitted. “Bot ve gots vun beeg army coming up de pass from Sturmhalten. Lotsa nasty monsters,” she said with a touch of admiration. “De Baron looks like he’s throwing effery ting he’s got at us from all sides. Der armies ov de empire iz schtill in control ov de overall area, includink a fair amount ov de valley.99 At de moment, dey seem to be preoccupied vit dealink vit odder attackers.” Gkika smiled. “Vitch iz mighty sportink ov dem, since most of dem are determined to take de town. Ostensibly to support de new Heterodyne.”

  “Support me?” This was news to Agatha.

  Gkika shook her head. “Dun hyu gets hyu hopes op, sveety. Dot’s just vot dey iz sayink. Most of dem sound like dey iz here for dot pink gurl. Dey iz not hyu friends. Und they gots factions und divisions und fightink among dey own rebellion.” Her lip curled in contempt. “Dese guys iz a mess.”

  Agatha looked hopeful. “So that should make them easy to crush, right?”

  Gkika shrugged. “In de old days, yah, hyu betcha. Right now? Vell, all our really goot veapons iz out ov commission and de Kestle iz schtill acting all broken-like. Back in hyu grandfodder’s time it vould haff already sent dese jokers packink, yah!”

  “It’s not the Castle’s fault,” Agatha explained. “I repair
ed it, but it was operating on stored power. It can’t generate any more at the moment.”

  “Technically no longer true, Mistress.” The Castle’s voice seemed to be emanating from a small grill set in a nearby wall. It sounded small and far away. “It was a close call, but I am pleased to report that your chief minion has restored my main generators.”

  “Dot’s goot,” Gkika said.

  “That’s wonderful,” Van declared.

  “To a point. But I am still weak. It will take time to build up sufficient energy to do anything truly useful.”

  Agatha looked wary. “How long?”

  The Castle hesitated. “All nonessential systems are already shut down. With everything shunted to the charging of offensive weapons alone . . . I would say about three years.”

  Agatha stared. “Three years.”

  “At the present rate. Give or take a few weeks, yes. Less than ideal I’ll admit, but I still have systems—exterior systems—that need repair. Ah, but three years from now, watch out!” It paused. “Well, assuming you’re still alive, of course.”

  Agatha rolled her eyes. “This is terrible.” Glumly she looked out over the town. “At least it’s not just us. Our enemies are also running around like headless constructs. That’s unbelievably lucky.” She turned to Van and General Gkika. “But, I have to say, I’m not impressed. To let all of the town’s major defenses fall into such disrepair—just because you were under the empire’s protection—”

  “Dot vos not our fault,” Gkika objected. “De Baron disarmed all de really goot schtuff.”

  “Why? If you were part of the empire—?”

  “To keep the rest of the empire happy,” Van interrupted. “Wulfenbach may have been friends with Masters Bill and Barry, but historically the House of Wulfenbach and the House of Heterodyne were adversaries. The old Castle Wulfenbach was part of the system of picket fortresses the Storm King established to keep the Heterodynes contained.100 The Baron’s conquest of Mechanicsburg served several purposes. Having the town under his control was great for the Baron’s image. Everyone assumed he had full access to the Heterodyne’s secrets.

  “He didn’t, of course. He tried to learn as much as he could, but this town has a lot of secrets. He made a great show of dismantling and decommissioning some of the masters’ more horrific devices.” Van sighed. “But so many of the townspeople believed the masters would someday return, they would just quietly repair what the Baron had destroyed. Then the Baron would send people in to disarm things again and then our people would sneak back and fix things so that they only looked broken. Then the Baron’s people would come back and break things again in new and more subtle ways . . . ” Van spread his hands. “It went on for years.”

  Keeping you all quite busy, Agatha thought to herself with a touch of admiration. Aloud, she asked, “Why didn’t he just haul it all away?”

  “Oh, he did take some of it.” Van waved a hand towards a bronze statue of a huge, horse-headed pikeman. “But frankly, it would be hard to move everything and, in every other way, we were good subjects of the empire. We never gave them a reason to worry.” Van reached up and inserted a finger into the horseman’s nose. Its eyes began to glow and it shuddered into a defensive position, pike held forward. “As a result, we’ve managed to retain a number of things the empire overlooked.” He grinned. “Like the Torchmen. A lot of them crashed because we couldn’t maintain and test them properly, but they still gave the Baron a nasty surprise.”

  Agatha regarded Van for a moment, then looked up at the clank beside him. Yes, she thought. The Baron will remember that Mechanicsburg is a place where he can’t expect the rules to apply. He’ll assume that everything is more dangerous than it appears to be. She felt a wave of exhaustion wash through her. She shook her head and examined the cane in her hands. “How quickly do you think we can get Gil’s lightning generators analyzed and replaced? You know, those things he had all along the town walls? I know most of them melted, but—”

  Van waved a hand to cut her off. “Lady Heterodyne, please! We’ve had people working on duplicating them since we saw them in action! Those things are amazing!”101

  A wave of pure happiness suffused Agatha’s being. I knew there was a reason I liked this town, she thought.

  Gilgamesh marched, scowling, through the halls of Castle Wulfenbach. Atop his head was the magnificent hat that had been the gift of the Jägermonsters at Mamma Gkika’s. It was a glorious, handmade creation adorned with wings, spikes, a burner on top that could be set to spout a small burst of flame, and a banner around the band that declared the wearer to be “Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, Schmott Guy!” It was ridiculous in every way, and yet it was astonishingly effective at speeding him through what was supposed to be an iron-tight ring of security. Gil had landed his small air pinnacle at one of the outer loading docks—tense and fearful, not knowing what he would find now that the news of his father’s death had spread. The guards had been jumpy and unsure, suspicious even of him. They had slowly and meticulously begun with the proper procedures, until Gil, frustrated, had retrieved the stupid thing from the ship and hefted it onto his head. To his disgust, it was as if a magic switch had been thrown. Their eyes widened and they bowed obsequiously while waving him on. As he moved through the halls of Castle Wulfenbach, similar scenes took place again and again. Guards would initially challenge him, only to defer to the majesty of the hat that proclaimed him their leader. Gil grew more and more furious yet perversely curious: would this phenomenon actually take him all the way to the Command Center of Castle Wulfenbach? Only once did he encounter a no-nonsense captain who had refused to accept “that ridiculous hat” as proof of identity. Gil had knocked him out with a single well-placed blow and continued on, making a guilty mental note to promote the man when time allowed.

  And now he strode into Castle Wulfenbach’s great hall, making straight for Boris, who seemed incapable of deciding whether to focus on Gil’s stormy face or the monstrous hat.

  “Boris!”

  “Ah—Yes? Master Gilgamesh?”

  “Yes! That is in fact who I am. Who else could ever wear so majestic and commanding a hat?”

  Boris stared. “Um. Surely no one, sir.”

  “Good. So we’re all agreed I am, in fact, me?”

  “What? Yes! Of course!”

  “Good!” Gil turned on his heel and stepped towards the nearest soldier. “You!” He snatched off the great hat and bundled it into the startled man’s arms. “Take this, hide it in a safe place, and never speak of it again.”

  The soldier opened his mouth, saw the look in Gil’s eye, and swallowed. “Yessir!” He barked before scuttling away.102

  As soon as the hat disappeared around the far corner, Gil allowed himself to relax. This lasted all of three seconds until Bangladesh DuPree charged into the room, eyes wide with excitement. “I heard there was a hat!” She called.

  Gil fixed her with a sideways frown. “You’re delusional.” Then he turned fully to face her. His serious expression made her stop short. “Weren’t you supposed to be with my father?” He asked, “What happened?”

  “He sent me out of the hospital!”

  Gil stared at her. “And you went?”

  “Well, yes! Because doing what he says is my job!”

  “Oh, and you always follow orders.”

  “Hey! I followed his orders! Even when I thought they were stupid! He says go do this stupid thing—I go do it! And when the attack came, I had to run all the way back to the hospital! But I couldn’t . . . I couldn’t find him! I couldn’t find him anywhere! And . . . and—” To Gil’s horror and amazement, tears started to appear in her eyes. “—and then the whole place came down and I couldn’t save him,” she sobbed. “And I really, really tried.”

  Automatically Gil folded her into his arms and held tightly as her body shook. “I know,” he murmured. “And if you couldn’t do it, no one could.”

  He felt fingers dig into his spine. “You have made me cry.�
� The muffled voice came faintly from somewhere near his dampened waistcoat. “For this I will kill you.”

  “Yes, yes,” Gil murmured as he gently stroked her hair, “you do that.”

  It was the silence that made him look up. Ranged around the two of them were all the powers of the empire, not just the leaders of its military forces or Klaus’s inner coterie of sparks, monsters, and adventurers. Ranged behind the great figure of Captain Patel103 stood the crew bosses and chief technicians who spoke for the huge staff that ran Castle Wulfenbach. Also present were representatives of the vast trading houses that kept the empire supplied, as well as functionaries from the foreign services. With them, Gil noted with a rising wave of panic, were the ambassadors of the empire’s most important neighbors.

  Gil looked back to Boris, who met his eyes and slowly bowed before him. The crowd behind solemnly followed his lead. Boris straightened and said the words that had haunted Gil’s nightmares for over a decade: “Everyone is waiting . . . Herr Baron.”

  Gil felt Bangladesh freeze. He gently released her and saw that, although she was still wiping away tears, her eyes now held an expression of deep amusement. She was back to laughing at him. Good. He squared his shoulders, prepared to issue his first command . . . then hesitated. “No.” He shook his head. “This doesn’t feel right.”

  Boris stepped forward and gave him a look that any parent would recognize as a variation of Not in Front of the Children, while surreptitiously indicating the assembled onlookers.

  Gil lowered his voice. “Calling me Baron,” he chided. “Surely you have more faith in my father than that.” A thought struck him. “Unless . . . have you found his body?”

  Boris waved a hand quickly. “No, sir, but I am acting on his direct orders.”