Guarded Hearts

by L. A. Corvill

  I get up from bed with what little energy I have and go to the bathroom to wash my face, debating whether or not to take some more melatonin. I don’t even bother to look at myself in the mirror, afraid of what I’ll see. So I just open the medicine cabinet and take another three pills. I walk back to my room and feel the towel fall to the floor where I leave it. I climb into bed. I hear my phone chime. I turn to grab it and see missed calls from Nix. I throw my phone and hear it hit the wall.

  I go to sleep with the covers pulled over my head to cover the light, and within minutes I drift off into sleep.

  “Livi, wake up. You’ve been sleeping since yesterday. Get up, get dressed, and get downstairs,” Heather demands. She gives me no time to protest. I don’t even open my eyes to look at her.

  Love, laughter, and happiness are things that are no longer familiar to me. I haven’t given myself a chance to feel any emotions. I feel at loss for all things. I want nothing. No, that’s not true. I want her, my best friend, my sister. I want him, I want to feel his warmth but I can’t. I feel the sting in my eyes as they fill with tears.

  It takes me a while to get out of bed. She’s right, I have been sleeping since yesterday. I don’t even know what time it is, and I realize I’m still naked. I search for my robe and put it on.

  I see Heather in the hallway as I walk out.

  “Good, you’re up. I was about to come drag you out of bed.”

  “What day is it?” I ask.

  “It’s Sunday night, and I’m taking you out for a drink, so get ready.”

  I know it’s no secret what happened between Nix, Mandy, and I. Everyone heard us that morning and obviously Mandy is no longer here. I don’t know where she is, and it’s not like I care at this point.

  I step into the hot shower. I’m hoping the water will help my swollen eyes. I turn the temperature up and place my hands against the wall, letting the water fall down my back. I can’t hold back the tears that begin to flow. I close my eyes, hoping that will stop them from flowing. I can’t believe love has made me weak. I wish I could be stronger. My mother was right; all a man wants is to get between my thighs, break my heart and leave me broken and weak. Mensa. The dumb thing is I let myself. I guess after the life my mother has lived I should’ve listened to her. I always thought she wasn’t wise, but was I wrong. I shut the shower off, step out, and look at myself in the mirror. I hate that they have made me feel insignificant, insecure, and pathetic. I look so ugly, defeated, and miserable. I stand here in front of the mirror, but I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. A knock breaks me away from the stranger I see.

  “Yes?” I respond to the knock.

  “Get your ass out! Happy hour is going to be over by the time you get ready,” Heather yells from behind the door.

  I slowly unlock the door and step out. I drag myself to the room where I see Kylie sitting on Mandy’s bed. I sit on my bed facing her, but I can’t look at her. I feel ashamed, stupid, and naive. I know once I look up the tears will flow right out. We both sit there in silence for a few seconds longer.

  “I didn’t come in here to tell you let’s go out and get drunk. I’m here because I see how much this is hurting you.” She moves to sit on my bed. We are sitting shoulder to shoulder, and I feel her put an arm around me. I lean in, allowing her to comfort me, without warning my tears begin to flow with no intention of stopping.

  “I just can’t believe she did this to you.” My tears continue as I hear the words, and it makes my hurt feel like it is being magnified. “I can’t believe he did this to you.” The sound of her just talking about them stabs me in the heart.

  “You know you have a right to want to seclude yourself from the world and let this all out. I know how you feel, I’ve been there,” she claims as I sit there in my robe, not caring about how I look. She’s right, I deserve to seclude myself until I can face the world. I want nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep. The hurt is too raw, and I need time to heal.

  “You’re right,” I manage to say to her, my voice barely audible. I feel like I have no strength. Walking, talking, and crying feels like it’s draining me.

  “You need to eat. I will get you something,” she says, and at this point I have already moved from her arms into my bed, getting ready to keep out the world.

  “No, I don’t want anything. Thanks.” I know she means well, but I can’t even think of food right now.

  “Livi, if you don’t eat you’ll only feel more drained, trust me. I’ll be right back.” Those two words, trust me, reverberate in my mind. Trust her? I don’t even know what those words mean. How can I trust someone when the ones I trusted most betrayed me? At this point I can’t even trust myself. I hear her returning but I can’t manage to sit up. She helps me by propping me up with pillows behind my back.

  “Here, eat this, you’ll feel better.” She holds out a large mug with soup. I look at it for a moment and slowly begin taking small sips. She watches, making sure I’m eating. After a handful of them I can’t manage anymore and I set the mug aside. She was right, I feel a little better. My body doesn’t feel so weak.

  “See, I can already see some color on your cheeks,” she says, smiling at me.

  “Thanks, I guess I needed that,” I tell her, but I can’t manage a smile I want to give her.

  “Livi, I know you don’t feel up to anything and I completely understand. I want to help you. I can step in for you in the sorority as the Vice President. You just need to grant me permission. I don’t want you to have to worry about that right now, you need to focus on getting better. The only way you can do that is by letting it all out. You have a right to mope, cry, and scream if you have to. But I know that the last thing on your mind is the sorority, so don’t worry, I got it.” Deep down I know she is right. I need to better myself before I can be able to take on any responsibilities.

  “Okay,” is all I say. I just want her to leave so I can crawl back under my covers. I feel her weight lift off the bed and I hear her shutting the door as she exits my room. I close my eyes and darkness fills me, numbing me from all the pain.

  It’s been 30 days, 720 hours and 43,200 minutes since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.

  Winter has really set upon us, and the skies have turned gloomy and grey, reflecting my soul. A coldness has swept into my inner being. The days have been endless; they run together in a never ending cycle that now marks my lonely existence. Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? That’s how I feel living in this house and going to school. I get up, drag myself to class, get home and bury myself underneath my covers seeing the days pass by.

  I would feel completely robotic if I didn’t feel this oppression in my chest that doesn’t leave. Something heavy has taken residence there, making it hard to breathe. My tears never seem to end, anything triggers an outburst. I have no idea when was the last time I ate or took a shower, nor do I care. I didn’t want to go back to class the first few days, but Heather stated that I would lose my scholarship if I didn’t at least attempt to go to class, and I wouldn’t want to lose something that I worked so hard for because of a prick and his trailer trash whore.

  They were not that to me. She was my sister, the only person that had been there all along, that had stayed by my side and hadn’t hurt me. The only one that was there before the armor was placed around my heart at a young age. And that prick, because saying his name is painful, was the one that cracked that armor to let the light come into my heart, the light that I craved for such a long time. Our relationship happened so fast, but I guess that is what happens when you meet the person that you might fall in love with. Time is not a factor. And I fell so hard for Nix. He made me feel loved and protected, safe for the few weeks we were together. Something I have never felt in my life, but life just keeps proving how good things are fleeting it can be to let all your defenses down before it comes in for the kill.

  My mother kept telling me that no one could love something born out of sin. That I was di
rty, a bastard child, and that God will never bless me with happiness. That I was destined to be like her because she was bad, too. Mother knows best. I should’ve listened to my instincts since the beginning, I should’ve kept my distance from Nix and kept going out with Brett. But I craved the light like an addiction. Ah, why am I so stupid?

  I cry into my pillow for the thousandth time this month. I keep repeating every interaction that they have had together, looking for any signs that I might have missed. Am I that stupid? Was there always something between them that I didn’t see?

  My heart stopped that day. There’s no rhythm, no beat, no sound left in my shattered world. How am I going to pick up all those pieces of my heart again? How am I going live without Mandy? The questions never stop from running around in my head, and my brain hasn’t taken a break since D-day. Yes that’s how I see it in my mind, when my heart was destroyed. I recap every moment that Mandy and I have had together growing up, every joy, and every heartache. We have been friends more than a decade. Her betrayal hurts the most, because she was my anchor, the soothing voice that gave comfort and hope when my mother was at her worst; she brought a little light into my life when everything around me was in shadows as it is now.

  Mandy was there to keep me company so I wouldn’t fall into the shadows that surrounded my family life. Away from the drugs and following my mother’s footsteps. But my mother was right; the people you love the most hurt you the worst. Now that I need her to help me alleviate the hurt that Nix caused, she is not here because she caused that hurt with him. Kylie has been trying to fill in the place Mandy left vacant, but there is no place in my heart, because there are just pieces left and I don’t want to bring anyone in my life again.

  “Nix, leave! I told you she doesn’t want to see you. I’ll call the cops,” I can hear Kylie yelling from downstairs.

  “OLIVIA!” Nix yells. “God, Olivia, come down. We need to talk.”

  “Just fucking leave,” I whisper to myself since I know he can’t hear me as I bury myself deeper into my bed.

  That is what happens every time he comes to see me, begging for an audience. But I can’t. I am devastated. I can’t see his face because I will crumble even more. Kylie or one of the other sisters always stops him from coming to seek me out. Mandy hasn’t come to see me once. Why would she? She got what she wanted in the form of Nix.

  “You and your fake ass skank can leave. Olivia doesn’t want to see or need you. So just go because I won’t hesitate to call campus police and report you for harassment,” Kylie threatens.

  “Livi, please, we need to talk,” Mandy cries out. Now that’s different, she hasn’t been here before. Wonder what she wants now after being gone for so long. I want her to see the pain she has caused me by not valuing our friendship as much I as did. So I roll out of bed and head downstairs. I don’t bother checking myself in the mirror. I have lost weight and my natural brown skin looks sallow. I want them to feel ashamed and remorseful from what they did to me. To feel the pain that I feel about their betrayal.

  “Isn’t this nice? The happy couple came for a visit,” I say with no emotion as I near the door that Kylie is blocking with her body.

  Everyone stops what they are doing as they look up to see me coming down the stairs. The looks of shock and pity pass through their eyes as they take me in. Yeah, take in what you have done to me.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” I ask over Kylie’s shoulder. “Let them in, Kylie. Let’s see what excuses they have to say. Not that they will matter, but I am feeling charitable today.” Maybe I need to hear what they have to say to be able to move on, to pass to the next level of my grieving process, because I am tired of crying of feeling like this.

  “You don’t owe them any of your time, Olivia, or to hear any of their excuses,” Kylie states, still trying to protect me. I push her out of the way and motion Mandy and Nix to follow me to the office. We need to have this out. They have been silent since I came downstairs, but I could feel Nix’s eyes on me, my body humming, coming alive with his nearness. I walk into my office, motioning them inside, and I close the door. This is my business only.

  “So you guys were screaming my name, wanting to talk, so go ahead talk. Give me all the excuses you can think of so we can end this and never see each other again. I can finally move on. Come on, make me understand how you can throw away years of friendship for a guy, Mandy. Fuck, come on talk!” I yell at her. The rage is coming out again. I can’t seem to simmer it down; it’s clawing its way out. As I wait for Mandy to talk I take in her appearance. She looks exactly like I do, lost and broken. But I’m not feeling sorry for her. She did this, they did this.

  “O, we want to tell you…”

  I stop Nix from talking with a move of my hand as I glare in his direction. “I was not talking to you Phoenix Ryan Jackson,” I emphasize his last name, something else I’m pissed at him for. He knew I was looking for an in to a top law firm to internship, and he ends up as the son of one of not only a top lawyer, but his father is running for Supreme Court judge. I understand him not wanting to share more about the night Sky died, but him not talking to me about his family. I told him about my mother and part of my past, but I got nothing from him.

  “Livi, I am so sorry for my actions and the hurt they have caused you,” Mandy says in a barely audible voice.

  “How long?” I question.

  They both look at me like they don’t understand what I’m asking.

  “How long have you two been fucking behind my back?” I yell, slamming my hand on the desk. I hear Mandy whimper and Nix looks hurt that I would ask that. Now I’m the bad guy, seriously.

  “We never betrayed you, Livi. We can’t remember what happened that night, we were both drunk. We can’t even recall even getting to the apartment.”

  “Do you really think I’m that stupid? Mandy, you hardly touch alcohol, and Nix doesn’t even drink. Or is that another lie? Don’t patronize me and just tell me the truth,” I demand. I am getting tired of asking the same fucking questions. Dios mio, give me patience.

  “Olivia, that’s what happened. We just took a shot of tequila with Taylor to celebrate her just doing the show. And yes, I might have had some more because I was upset about you and Sky’s anniversary. I swear I didn’t drink that much, but I remember feeling drunk and weird, and then the next thing I know, you were running away from me crying the next morning,” Nix explains.

  “How many excuses can you blame on alcohol? My mother used that excuse very time she hit me or locked me in a room for the night, so don’t bullshit me, Nix. At some level you knew what you were doing. Both of you.” I can’t believe people that hurt me will blame everything on being wasted, like that excuses the destruction they leave in their wake.

  “We would never hurt you on purpose, we both love you. We both know the hurt and pain you have suffered in the past. We would never hurt you,” Mandy sobs.

  “But you did, can’t you see that? You both accomplished what years of abuse at the hands of my mother never did; you took my light. You broke me,” I sob at them. I turn my back on them, hating that they can see my tears.

  “Olivia, you came into my life and shone that light back into it. I was scared of caring for someone else, and hurting them again. The times I spent with you were the best times of my life even counting the times I spent with Sky. I fell in love with you, O.”

  “No, you don’t get to say that to me,” I interrupt him as I turn back towards them.

  “I am in love with you and it hurts my heart seeing you like this and knowing that I caused this,” he declares, emotion coloring his voice. “But we have something else to tell you and we wanted, no, needed it to come from us before you hear it from someone else on campus. You have to realize that we never wanted to hurt you, Livi. If you look closely you will see that, because you knew us both, and you are the only one that truly knows us.” He moves closer to Mandy and takes her hand in his to comfort her since she is crying
harder as we stand here. She gets that comfort when I get nothing.

  “Mandy, do you want me to tell her or do you want to?” Nix asks her with concern in his voice. She clears her throat and looks at him with hurt and pain.

  “I will. Livi, do you remember the first time we met? We were around four years old, and you were playing outside with a stick in the dirt. I walked up to your yard to see if you wanted to play dolls with me, and you looked like you had no idea what I was talking about. Remember what you asked? ‘What are dolls?’ And then I looked at you the same way. Like I had no idea what kind of question that was.

  “I told you that they were fake babies, because we were girls and we had to learn to practice so when we grew up we would know how to take care of real babies, and then you said, ‘my mommy never played with dolls then because she doesn’t know how to take care of her real baby.’ But you still walked back to my yard and I showed you how to play. I had no idea what to do with you, but I promised I was going to help you learn how to play. And we hung out every day after that. We grew up together, protecting each other from bullies and our own thoughts. You became my sister that day. You looked so lost, and in my four year old mind I wanted to be your fairy Godmother, even when I didn’t understand the extent of your pain, but I wanted to protect you. I didn’t know until later what your mother did to you, even when you didn’t talk about it. You became so closed off with everyone, so cold that nothing scared or fazed you, and I felt lucky to be the only one you trusted. Then we came here and met all these different people, but I still was your best friend, you made me join this sorority with you, so we wouldn’t be apart. Then one day I saw the light in your eyes grow and I knew you that you had fallen in love, that I was getting replaced in your heart. And when I learned it was Nix I was happy for both of you. I am telling you this because as Nix mentioned what happened that night was something we both didn’t want to happen. We don’t know why it happened. But we can’t change the past any more than I could change your home life back then, because that is all I would always pray for, for you to have a better mother, a better life full of love. I never meant to hurt you. We know that you will never believe that. I can see the light has gone from your eyes and it tears me apart knowing that I caused it. I love you, Livi.”