She stops and takes a deep breath like she needs the strength to continue, she squeezes Nix’s hand. “Olivia…Livi, I’m pregnant.” She lets out a sob.
I think I just died a thousand deaths. I wonder if this is what death feels like because this just killed me. I buckle and reach out to balance myself with the desk. I see Nix move towards me. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” I growl at him
How could this have happen, my life was as perfect as it could be. I look at Mandy like a stranger.
“Get the fuck out of my house, you fucking slut,” I yell at her. She turns and flees the office, and I could hear her cries as she leaves the room. I can’t breathe, the oppression I felt earlier exploding inside my body. I clutch my chest willing myself to breathe.
“O, just breathe, baby, slow and steady. I think you are having a panic attack,” Nix says softly. He is kneeling in front of me. I didn’t even realize that he had moved. Him just been here seems to calm me, but he won’t be here anymore.
“Livi, I love you, and I know we can make it work. Mandy and I aren’t even together, and we can raise the child together, all three of us, if you can just forgive us and move on. We are still trying to piece together what happened that night. Just say that you can forgive us. We didn’t want to hurt you. I know you need time to make sense of all of this and see that we are telling you the truth. We were not cheating on you. Please say something, Livi. I can’t. I won’t lose you too.” He is crying on my lap.
“Just go,” I tell him. I feel like a zombie. I can feel the armor getting back together piece by cold piece around the ashes of my heart.
“Olivia, you are killing me. Please say you will think about it, about us,” he begs.
“No, Nix, you got it wrong. If I remember correctly, I’m not the murderer here,” I tell him with my voice laced with anger.
I feel him retreat, falling on his ass on the floor as the blood leaves his face. I regret what I just said, but I don’t take it back. I need him to hurt like I hurt. I need him to feel the pain. I need that to help me get through my life. He wants us to live like a happy family. Yeah, I don’t share well.
He gets up and walks out in silence, hurt and pain written all over his face. I know he will never forgive me for what I just said, but then again I don’t need it. Nix and Mandy are a closed subject in my life. Now I know why my mother hated me so much, because I hate that unborn child just the same or even more. It finished killing what was left of me.
Since the day Olivia ran out of the apartment, I went to her house without fail every day, begging for a chance to see her to explain, but her sorority sisters refused to let me pass through the door. They even called campus police on me several times. They turn me away every time. The need to see her became my sole purpose the first few weeks. I hardly slept and ate, trying to make sure I didn’t miss her, but it was like she disappeared from campus. I had a one track mind when it came to Olivia, to have her forgive me, us. She just had too. I couldn’t believe that this was it. I was not going to retreat back into the darkness like I did when Sky died. Olivia is too important; she is everything, my light. I can’t lose her. It’s been a week since I last saw Olivia, when she implied I was a murderer.
I felt hurt and rage, so I left before I did something I would regret. After the fog cleared, I know she didn’t mean it. I could recall seeing the regret in her eyes as the words came out. She was simply lashing out in her anguish. Hurt that I caused again, but I can’t erase her hurt or her pain.
I still can’t believe what happened. I have no recollection of anything that happened that night. There is no blur or fragments, pieces that can help us understand how we ended up in my bed. There is just darkness, which seems fitting because that is what this last month felt like: misery, pain and darkness, Hurt by Johnny Cash playing on my iPod.
I feel broken. How easy would be just to give into the pain, but there is a little soul that will need me, broken or not. And I vow I will be the best father I can be, since I am not a good friend or boyfriend.
Mandy moved in with me since the day Olivia kicked her out. She took the room that was for Sky if things had been different. I worried about her the first few weeks with the late night crying and the vomiting. I was so scared that she was falling into a depression. O was her only family here, and they have been inseparable since they were young. After weeks of not being able to keep anything down, I decided enough was enough and I took her to the campus health clinic to see what was wrong, and there they gave us the news that shook our already broken world. I tried to comfort her, but my foremost thought was Olivia and how she was going to react to this news. I felt like such a douche. Here I was hugging a girl that was pregnant and scared, and I was wishing that it was Olivia. How my life could have changed so much since the beginning of the year, I had no idea. I was a loner, now I had an ex-girlfriend, a baby on the way, and a house guest. Sky, my brother, I keep fucking up.
I don’t know how to fix this. One more thing my parent’s money can’t change. When I told my parents about the baby it went as well as when we told Olivia. My father was so upset since this could affect his campaign and my mother was disappointed that I could be this stupid, that what happened with Sky hadn’t changed me at all. When I mentioned that we couldn’t remember what happened, the first thing they asked was what other drugs I was on. Like I would do drugs again, not only for Sky, but for Olivia. I knew how drugs had destroyed her mother further.
I could hear Bohemian Rhapsody playing in the distance. I reach towards my night stand, grabbing my cell phone to turn it off. I hadn’t slept in days, and I finally took a sleep aid, since my classes were becoming affected due to my lack of sleep and Olivia stalking. I glance at the clock. It is 1:20 a.m. Who the fuck was calling this late? I have no friends, and I had talked to my parents earlier. I see the caller ID: Po!son. Huh, I wonder what happened; I was off duty today from the DD club, as I told Tom to cover for me tonight.
“What’s up?” I ask into the phone.
“Nix, it’s Mike. Can you come down to the club and pick up your girl? She is starting to cause a riot. I need her gone before I have a fight break out,” Mike, my manager and club owner, says. That wakes me up quick. What the hell is Mandy doing at the club? She has been like a ghost here at the apartment.
“Mandy?” I question. I start to get dressed in a hurry. What is she thinking?
“What, Mandy? No. The Hispanic one, Olivia. Doesn’t she belong to you? I thought I heard Taylor mention you two are together,” Mike says, sounding as confused as I am at this moment, but at the mention of Olivia’s name I sit back down on my bed. Yeah, I am the last person she probably wants to see. What the hell is she doing at the club? She knows if she went there I would hear about it, maybe that was her plan.
“Sorry to break it to you, Mike, but she is not my problem anymore,” I inform him. I have no strength to deal with her tonight.
“Well, then I’m going to have to kick her out. She is under-age and drunk out of her mind, dancing and stripping on top of my tables. I can’t lose my fucking liquor license for a stupid kid. The fraternity boys are getting too rowdy because of her. Sorry I bothered you. Goodnight,” he says.
“Wait, Mike, I’m on my way. Don’t lose sight of her, okay?” I yell into the phone. God, I am not her babysitter, but I won’t be able to handle it if she leaves with anyone tonight, especially if she is drunk. I don’t think she has had a drink in her life, so I have no idea how messed up she must be. I am about to have a very angry drunk girl on my hands.
“Nix, is everything alright? I heard you yell,” Mandy says, yawning as she walks into my bedroom. She looks so small, so fragile, so forlorn.
I know this has been hard on her too, more so now that she is pregnant. She had no one here besides Olivia. Her mother told her she could go back home, but Mandy refused. I know I played a part in her decision to stay here due to the baby, but the main reason is Olivia. I know how she feels; she wants to save her relati
onship with Olivia. They had gone through a lot together growing up in that trailer park in Texas. The feeling of hopelessness, of the uncertainty she is feeling right now is going to play a big part in her life for the next couple of months. You get used to someone being there all the time, someone who doesn’t judge you and is just there to support you. I felt lost when Sky died, like I had a path with no direction, since our plans always included each other.
“Nothing. I need to go to the club. There is a problem Mike wants me to help him with.” I didn’t want to worry her about Olivia’s behavior. She has to get herself better for the baby. She has been doing okay these past few days, and her eating is getting better. I hope everything turns out well, because if something happens to Olivia, Mandy will blame herself, and I know that feeling first hand.
“Go back to bed. See you in the morning.” I give her a kiss on her head before I walk out of the room and out of the apartment. I just don’t have any romantic feelings towards Mandy. I see her as a little sister, especially because Olivia saw her that way too. I have no idea why I would sleep with her, I don’t get it. Why the fuck can’t we remember?
I get to the club and park my car in the back alley since I know I might have a fight in my hands. I walk in to Po!son and I see her as soon I clear the bar area. She is dancing to Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo, swaying her hips seductively on top of a table surrounded by fraternity dicks. We are still attuned to each other, because I can see the moment she realizes I’m in the club; she starts scanning the crowd. Her golden eyes clash with mine, and I see her smirk as she continues to dance seductively for one of the guys in front of her. She is getting sexier by the minute because she knows I’m watching. I see her kneel in front of him and run her hands through his hair, and I see red. I stalk towards her. I’m about to yank her off the table when Mike steps up between us.
I put a hand against his chest, ready to push him out of the way. “Don’t, dude. Not today,” I say, barely controlling my anger. “Step away, I need to get her out of here.”
“I know, Phoenix, that’s why I called you, but calm the fuck down. Like I told you, I don’t need a fight.”
I try to rein in my anger, but I can’t hold it for long. I feel myself shaking. I walk up to the table just as she is about to wrap her legs around the stupid fucker’s waist, just to get me fucking pissed.
“Well, look who is here, my favorite DD. Are you here to take me home, daddy?” she asks with a pout. Her eyes are glazed and her cheeks are flushed from the alcohol. She is looking at me with a challenge in her eyes, daring me to do something, to say something. Of course I’m not going to back down.
“Baby, you know I love it when you call me daddy,” I say, grabbing her and putting her over my shoulder, and giving her a hard slap on her booty for good measure. I hear her gasp. Oh, I know I’m going to hear it in about ten seconds. “Sorry, boys, this brat is leaving,” I smirk.
“Put me down, you stupid motherfucker, pendejo. You got some nerve, Nix. Put me the fuck down!” She keeps yelling as we leave through the back. I set her down very slowly making sure every inch of her almost naked body touches every part of mine. I hear the intake of her breath as her feet land on the ground. She raises her hand, about to slap me, but I catch her hand in my grip.
“I fucking hate you, you stupid motherfucker. I wish you were dead. Te odio. Go home to your trailer trash bitch.” Her voice breaks in the middle of her rant.
I know she is about to unleash more fury, so I kiss her hard, without giving her time or space to break free. It takes her a while to return it, but when she does she lets all her rage and hurt pour out. We are both fighting for control, and I get hard as soon I feel her tongue invade my mouth and her hands running through my hair pulling on it, punishing me for hurting her.
I slam her against my car, the one she tore apart during her rage that day. I grab her thighs so she can wrap them around me, and our kissing is bruising. I can taste copper in my mouth, where our teeth are clashing. I slip my hands inside her sorry excuse of a jean skirt and yank her thong off so I can feel her wetness rubbing on my stomach. She needs me as much as I need her. I know she is drunk and will regret this tomorrow, but fuck it, I need this. I hold her up using my stomach so I can release myself, and I plunge into her so fast that she screams into my mouth. I fuck her hard against my car, and she pulls my hair harder. I need to set dominance; I need her to be vulnerable, to let me in again. I feel her convulse around me, screaming my name. I plunge faster and I come hard.
I set her shaky legs down, her breathing coming out short and fast. She pushes me away from her and walks back towards the club, not saying a word and I let her.
“Thanks, Nix, for making me feel like my mother,” she says over her shoulder as she walks back inside the club. I feel like she punched me. I fucked up royally. There will be no forgiveness.
I feel like an asshole. I get into my car, as I start it up “Runaway” by Kanye, blares from the speakers. This is not the closure I wanted.
After my encounter with Nix outside Po!son, I submerge myself in self-loathing, self-destruction. I hate that I was weak, that I let it get that far, but the alcohol had intensified my feelings of hurt, rage, and love. As soon as I got home that night I took a hot shower to scrub his touch from my body, even if I couldn’t erase it from my soul. I hated that I didn’t feel remorseful for fucking Nix against his car in an alley like a common whore.
I lied to Nix. He didn’t make me feel like my mother, I did that myself. He made me feel alive for the few minutes that encounter lasted, since the moment I felt his heated gaze when I was dancing on top of the table. My Nix sense went on full alert the moment I felt him. I hated that he made me feel so possessed by him that I was willing to exchange my pride, my self-worth, for a few seconds in his arms. I came to realize that no matter what happens or what I did, I would never be able to out run my feelings for him, but I will try.
That’s what I have been doing since that night; seeking for someone to help me yank him from my memory. I have been having meaningless encounters with random faceless guys at frat parties, kissing my way to feeling something, anything, but nothing has happened. I came to realize that I do have some of my mother’s DNA in me after all, since I’m drinking my pain away. Like tonight I am at KAO pre- Spring Break party, where I find myself wasted, swaying to the beat of Dark Horse by Katy Perry, trying to locate through the mob of drunken idiots my next victim, when I spot Tom Beverly, one of Nix’s club members and a member of the fraternity. Just the guy I need. So he can run back to tell Nix just how close we became. I dance my way towards him as we make eye contact. Not breaking it, I get as close as I can to him.
“Let’s go to up to your room,” I whisper into his ear, not giving him a chance to talk as I assault his mouth with mine, trying to give him a taste of what he can have. I still feel nothing, but the fact that this can get back to Nix spurs me further to make this happen. I break the kiss and I can see the lust in his eyes, making my stomach churn, but I play it off, smiling seductively. “Lead the way,” I order him.
Tom takes me up the stairs to his room. Even if I don’t want to be here, I need to feel in control of my whole self again. Do I feel bad for Tom? Fuck no. I don’t care about his feelings at all, because I know he doesn’t care about mine. We are using each other, me to feel and him to get off. He pushes me on his bed. I crawl my way back towards the pillow.
“Gosh, Olivia, you are so fucking hot. I have been waiting to get a piece of you since I saw you last year,” he whispers into my hair as he starts to kiss my neck.
I feel his weight on me, and all I am thinking about is him giving me my life back somehow. I feel his hand unbuttoning my shirt as he continues to kiss my neck and mouth, never breaking the contact. He starts to slowly run his tongue towards my breast, his hands all over my body, feeling his way to the waist of my pants. All I am feeling is the imprint that is on my soul, of Nix’s hands and lips on me the first time we made love. My th
oughts of the here and now are being taken over by the memories of the past awaking my body, to the onslaught of feelings that are being mirrored through every caress Tom is feeding my body, the light it craves. Even knowing that this is a mistake that I will hate myself for more in the morning, I give into the desires that are taking over.
I feel a tear running down my face. No, I can’t do this. I can’t go through with this like I originally thought. I have to cool down, I have to focus on the now.
“Tom, I need to breathe,” I say, pushing him a little bit. I hear him grunt as he uses this break to finish pulling down my pants.
“Fuck, Olivia, you have no idea the time I have dreamt about being inside of you, fucking you so hard.” Gross, I think I just vomited in my mouth. “Especially since last October when you had that red dress on that looked like a second skin. You made me so fucking hard. I had to screw some random girl that night, imagining it was you.”
Double gross, and I start to freak out. Okay, this is not what I had planned. My alcohol- infused mind has played this a whole different way. I am supposed to have him at my mercy. How can I make him stop without making him mad? He is skimming his hands down my hips, taking my panties with him. I definitely need to put a stop to this. I’m so stupid. Of all the guys I have made out with, I pick the pervert to take it to the next level. But I wanted to hurt Nix. I wanted Tom to go with the tale of our wild night together.
“Oh, look, you and Mandy share a tattoo,” Tom’s statement breaks my inner monologue. Wait, What?
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