by Abbi Glines
“Beulah!” Heidi’s voice rang down the hall.
“Guess she was headed back for her fourth visit,” I said, then waved goodbye to Tammy and headed to meet my sister. Her smile always cheered me up.
“May is in the activity room. We got to get her,” Heidi told me as I reached her. She clapped her hands when she saw the treats I was carrying. “Oh boy! May’s gonna be so happy.”
“Then let’s get her and find a spot for a picnic. We will eat dessert first.”
Heidi giggled with delight. “I love you, Beulah.”
“I love you more.”
She didn’t argue. She was too excited about the picnic and desserts. We collected May from the activity room and made our way outside. Heidi told me all about the game of soccer they played yesterday and how May scored the winning goal. May blushed a lot and then gave me a bashful hug once I put the treats down on the grassy spot under the tree they picked out.
“I missed you,” May said sweetly.
“I missed you too,” I assured her.
May and Heidi both took a cupcake. The cupcakes were pink today, sprinkled with Skittles. Heidi loved Skittles and squealed when she saw them. “It’s like my birthday. But it’s really Vern’s birthday. I should save him a cupcake.”
I didn’t know Vern, but I nodded in agreement.
“You have new shoes,” May noticed. “They’re pretty.”
“Yes, I do. My others were too small.”
May frowned. “My feet stopped growing.”
“They’re supposed to. Mine did too. Those shoes were too little all along.”
She nodded but she didn’t seem convinced.
“Can we play soccer today?” Heidi asked.
“Of course. I want to see May show us some of her fancy footwork.”
May lit up. She was proud of herself.
“Yeah!” Heidi agreed happy to cheer her friend on. “Where is your boyfriend?”
Her question startled me. “My who?”
“Your boyfriend that came this week when I was sick.”
Jasper. “Oh, that’s my boss. Remember? He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Heidi grinned. “He is too. He’s handsome. He smiles at you a lot and he likes to look at you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. “He does?” I asked.
Heidi nodded, and then she and May giggled. “Beulah has a boyfriend,” they began to sing over and over.
I wouldn’t be able to ever bring Jasper back. Heidi would be sure to mention this to him. I just laughed at their silliness and ate another cupcake. The warm sunshine had a cool breeze that made it a perfect day to enjoy outdoors.
Momma would have loved today. She always took us outside to spend our Sundays. Picnics and treats. She’d be happy Heidi lived here, and that Heidi had a place where she fit. Where she had friends. I was thankful I was going to be able to keep her here. This was a life for Heidi. One where she fit in and she had security.
“I wish you were here, Momma,” I whispered before getting up and following the girls out to the open field where the soccer nets were. They were inviting others to play and the excitement of the game was obvious.
My weirdness with Jasper was soon forgotten.
Jasper
THE WHISKEY BOTTLE IN FRONT of me had started out as a way to get my mind off Beulah, and with each glass things became clearer. Now I’d almost had a fifth of whiskey and I knew I was drunk. I should go to my bedroom to sleep it off, but I didn’t. I waited for her. I had to see her and explain about this morning. About how fucking scared I’d been.
Stone had left after we argued again. He said he’d be back in a week and that he had his own shit to deal with. Which I understood. He was running from his father and the Richmond department stores and malls all over the goddamn country that would one day be his. I didn’t know why, but Stone hated the man who would give him his fortune. Just last month, he talked about running off and joining the rodeo circuit, which was a crock of shit. Hilarious, and a crock of shit. He’d grown up much the same way I had, and neither of us was getting on some crazy as hell bull.
I was either more intoxicated than I assumed, or so lost in thought I wasn’t listening, but Beulah entered the room without me realizing it.
“Jasper?” Her voice was unsure. Sweet and kind.
“You’re back. Have a good visit?”
She hesitated. I assumed she saw the whiskey bottle. I sat there with my full glass. “Yes. It was nice. They enjoyed the other treats you told me to take.”
How did I do this? How did I love her? How did I do it and not hurt her? Could I? She was so damn sweet. I was scared I would mess up. Fuck that. What if she saw me for who I was and left me? How would I survive?
“Shit,” I muttered.
“What?”
I sat my glass down and laid my head back closing my eyes. Not looking at her was easier. I couldn’t face what I was about to say while I admitted it. Because that’s why I’d stayed up. To tell her before I lost her.
“Do you know why I ran out this morning?” I asked her. Hell, she may have this all figured out by now anyway.
“No,” was her uneasy response. This was making her nervous. I didn’t want to do that.
“I left because I was fucking terrified,” I admitted.
She didn’t say anything. I heard her shuffle her feet. I continued. “You scare me. I’ve never been scared before. Not about women. But you, Beulah Edwards, scare the fuck out of me.”
“Oh,” her voice was soft and she sounded confused. I didn’t have to see her face to know that. She still had no idea.
“I don’t fall in love. Not my thing. I had parents who hated each other. I figured they must have been in love once. And saw what love had done to them. Hell, I could be just like my dad and fall in love with someone as fucking cruel and cold as my mother. I stayed clear of having feelings for a girl and it was easy. It was easy . . . until you. And you didn’t even try. You were just you and I have fallen so hard that I can’t believe it myself. You’re different,” I said opening my eyes and turning my head to look directly at her. “You are the different, the special that breaks a man. Makes him want more. Makes him want a life he thought he’d never have. Until you, I never wanted to love someone, Beulah. But you . . . I want to love you. I think I’ve waited my whole life to love you.”
Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open in surprise or shock. She was frozen in place. Not moving. It looked as if she were barely breathing. If she ran from me or she didn’t want this, I’d suffer. I had gotten my stupid ass drunk and thrown myself out there to be trampled.
“Me?” she finally said just above a whisper.
There it was again. The thing that made her different. If I had told this to any other girl I’d ever dated she would have immediately taken what I’d said and ran. Gotten all she could out of me. But Beulah just stood there. Unable to move. Wondering if I meant to say all this to her.
“Yes. You. I don’t think it could ever be anyone else.”
She blinked and touched her temple, rubbing her forehead with her hand, then she shook her head. “Are you drunk?”
I laughed then. She made me laugh a lot. Something I needed. I wanted to be close to her for many reasons, but her joy about life was part of it. She made me happy. I’d been pretending so damn long, I had forgotten what real happiness felt like. She knew though. She found it even when life sucked.
“Yes, I’m drunk. But everything I just said is why I’m drunk. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting to be near you. I gave you a job in my office so you’d be close to me during the day. Even when I acted like a dick it was because I was attracted to you and I didn’t want to be. Then I spent more time with you, got to know you, and it was more than your beautiful face. It was your beautiful soul.” I wondered if I’d be coming up with such fucking great prose if I was sober. I doubted it. I’d be so damn nervous I wouldn’t say half this shit. I
meant it. Every word. The words flowed easily with the alcohol involved.
She still wasn’t moving. So I got up and walked over to stand in front of her. Close enough that I could feel her warmth, but not touch her. She tilted her head back to look up at me. “I-I love you too. But . . . we can’t do that. Love each other. When you’re sober you will realize that. This,” she looked around her. “We live two different lives in two different worlds. That won’t mix.”
I had tried to tell myself that. Stone had tried to fucking drill it into my head. But if life only gives you a Beulah once . . . how do you walk away? I didn’t want to be my dad. I didn’t want his unhappy life. I wanted a life with sunshine in it. A life with Beulah. “Let me show you I can make this work. Please. I can’t just let you slip through my fingers. I’m lucky enough to have found you. I won’t find another girl like you. And in this life, I need you. I’ll do everything I can to make you need me.”
She blinked again, and sighed. Her eyes were damp. “I don’t believe this is happening. I’m afraid to believe it. When you wake up tomorrow you’re going to regret you said all this. It’ll be awkward and . . . I need this job. Both jobs.”
I reached out and put my hand on her waist, gently tugging her to me. “I won’t change my mind. And I sure as hell won’t regret this. Let me hold you tonight. When you wake up in my arms you’ll know it’s going to be okay. We found each other for a reason. It was fate. It’s supposed to be. We’re supposed to be.”
She was stiff, but with my words she slowly eased and relaxed. Her body molded against mine. “I think fate sometimes can be cruel,” she whispered against my chest.
“I won’t let fate hurt you. I swear.”
Beulah
I HAD BEEN IN THIS room many times to clean it. Now I stood in Jasper’s massive bathroom with a towel around me after taking a bath and looked at myself in the mirror. Was I making a mistake? He was drunk. I could smell the whiskey on his breath. But he’d also been very serious. He hadn’t tried anything. He had said words, such beautiful words. Words that a drunk mind doesn’t just make up, right?
“You okay in there?” his voice came from his bedroom. He wasn’t passed out. He was waiting on me.
“Yes.”
He didn’t say more. I slipped on my pink pajamas and looked at myself one last time in the mirror. My ratty pajamas weren’t exactly something a woman wore to attract a man. But we were just sleeping . . . in his bed . . . together. I should have said no. I should have gone to my room.
But I wanted this. Jasper. Us.
This was a gamble. Maybe the biggest of my life. I couldn’t let Heidi be affected though. If he changed his mind would I lose my jobs? Could I let my heart guide me when I had a sister to take care of?
I opened the door and was going to tell him my concerns. My worries. Because he needed to understand how this was more than me taking a chance. I had much more at stake than my heart. I was barely through the door, and he was there. In front of me. His body was warm and his hands cupped my face. Those eyes of his that had been breathtaking the first time I saw him study me. They were open. Clear. I could see the raw emotion in them. This was a chance for him too. One that obviously scared him.
I started to ask why when his mouth covered mine and he pressed me back against the door I’d just walked out of. I’d never been kissed quite like this. It was heady and delicious. The taste of the whiskey he’d drunk was dark and wicked. I closed my eyes, and wrapped my arms around his neck. I forgot everything I’d been worried about, and soaked in the smell of him. I reveled at the way his body made mine tingle with excitement.
Our tongues danced and our breath mingled in the dark room lit only by the moonlight streaming through the windows. I was hidden here. We were alone, and my body was humming with need. A need that demanded more. I pressed closer to him. My fingers laced through his hair and he made a low sound that vibrated his chest.
His mouth left mine and trailed kisses down my neck, then my feet were off the ground. I was in his arms as he walked the distance to his bed and laid me down gently. His shirt was off in an instant, and all he wore was a pair of shorts that hung loosely on his hips. He was beautiful. I lifted my eyes to his as he moved over me, caging me in. The softness of the bed was under me, and his hard, chiseled body was on top.
My back arched as his tongue traced my collarbone. Jasper unbuttoned my top just enough that he could kiss to the tops of my breasts. Then he looked up and into my eyes. His eyes burned as brightly as my body. “I won’t do more. I’ll go slow. I’ll be sober when I’m inside you. But I just want to taste, to feel a little.”
The idea of him being inside me caused me to shiver. My body felt a tightness of anticipation. But I wanted him sober too. “Okay,” I said breathlessly.
He rested his head on my shoulder then lowered his body until I could feel the hardness of his arousal between my legs. We were separated by clothing but the pressure made me squirm.
“Feel good?” he asked, his voice a dark whisper in my ear.
“Yes,” I admitted. There was no denying I wanted this.
He pressed and rocked against me and on impulse I grabbed his arms and moved with him. The friction from his body felt better than the actual one experience I’d had with sex. Then I’d been nervous and scared. Unsure. Now I ached with the tease of real pleasure. This was Jasper. I loved him. Maybe that was the difference.
His breath was hot against my neck as his hand slid down my body, over my hips and down to my thigh to pull my leg up high against his hip. He continued working his body against mine and the deep sound of his groan almost made me climax.
“I want inside you so fucking bad,” he said. His face was buried in my hair. His breathing becoming as erratic as mine. “I’ve got to stop. But I want you to come for me. Can I make you come for me?”
If I didn’t come, I might explode. I nodded my head because I couldn’t say words. Not at that moment.
He moved off me, and I started to grab him to bring him back. But his hand slipped under my pajama bottoms and he lifted his head until his eyes locked with mine. My body went still and I could barely breath. I began to pant as he eased his hand under the silk of my panties until his fingers slid between the wetness of my folds. My body took over then, and I jerked in response.
“Fuck, you’re soaking,” he said, his eyes dark as he watched me. He entered me then. One finger at first, then two. Slowly pumping to delay the build. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. My head fell back, and my body took over, climbing toward that pleasure it knew was coming. I grabbed at his chest, my nails raking down. His mouth hoovered over my neck as his tongue flicked at my heated skin.
“Please,” I begged because I had to get there. I needed him to go faster. Harder.
“Enjoy it,” he said as he pressed deeper. I began to tremble as he held back from pushing me over the edge. My head tossed back and forth against the pillow and I cried out as the clawing need inside me grew.
Just when I was about to beg him again, his thumb pressed my clit with the right amount of pressure and his fingers slammed into me in one move.
“Oh, God!” I cried out and the world exploded around me. The electricity of an orgasm given to me by a man I loved. An orgasm I didn’t give myself. The strength of it rocked my body so hard I lost my breath. I was okay like this. Lost in this world floating from a high that had been amazing. And he’d only used his hand.
He pulled me into his arms and rolled to his side taking me with him. I floated down from my euphoria, wrapped in his embrace. His breath on my neck and his smell all around me.
Exhaustion from the day and the experience took over, and I let myself relax and trust this. Trust him. I didn’t bring up my concerns. I wasn’t sure I needed to because this felt right. It was safe . . . I felt safe. The way he held me against him I didn’t feel alone. Not anymore. No words were spoken by either of us, but we didn’t need any words. Moments came in life that you didn’t question. I hadn
’t had many, but this was one.
It was a terrible idea, but a perfect one all the same. Loving Jasper would be the easiest thing I had ever done. Was it fair not to take a chance on love? I saw his heart. He was good. He was trustworthy. He wasn’t going to destroy me and leave me unable to take care of Heidi. His heart was too big for that. This wasn’t a mistake. It couldn’t be.
My eyes fluttered open slowly and I turned my head to look up at him. His eyes were closed. Long eyelashes fanned his cheekbones. Perfect cheekbones. He didn’t have a flaw. It was the man inside, the one overcoming his own pain that I loved. He was so much more than a spoiled rich kid. He was a fighter, and I respected that. If I didn’t, I couldn’t have fallen in love with him.
Jasper
I HAD STEPPED OVER THE line. No, I’d blown the line completely away. There was no line anymore. It had taken the whiskey to push me over, but I would have eventually done it anyway.
There was no keeping Beulah at arm’s length. I didn’t want her at arm’s length. I wanted Beulah right where she was at this moment. In my arms. Asleep, looking so damn beautiful it hurt.
We had to figure this all out now. Find a way to make it all work. Because I wanted this. I might have been drunk last night, but I’d been honest. Being with her made me happy. Happier than I could ever remember. I was willing to do anything to be with her.
I needed to prepare myself for her arguments, though. She wouldn’t be okay with moving out of the basement. I knew that was going to be the first issue. But I wasn’t going to sleep up here in this bed knowing she was down there with the washing machine. I’d sleep with her if she refused. That should fix that.
Stone would be a problem when he returned. I’d have to talk to him. Make sure he changed his attitude with her. I wasn’t going to allow him to talk down to her any longer. I hated he did it before. I’d let it slide for selfish reasons. Mostly because I knew the affect Stone had on females. He’d been able to charm women his entire life. I was afraid if he were nice to Beulah she’d fall under the spell he so easily cast when he wanted to.