by A. E. Radley
Gideon stirred the straw in his drink and looked at her thoughtfully.
“Cards on the table,” he said. “How do you feel about her?”
She slid down in her chair a little. “Gideon,” she whinged.
“You can trust me, I won’t tell a soul.”
It wasn’t telling him that worried her. It was admitting it to herself. She’d gotten as far as being able to confess that she thought Victoria was attractive and brilliant. There was more, she knew. But giving voice to it was a bad idea.
“In Paris, you told me you loved her,” Gideon suddenly announced.
She gasped. “You… you never told me that! You told me that you suspected my feelings but I never said anything directly!”
“I did. I lied.” He sipped at his drink.
“W-why?”
“Because you were living with Victoria at the time you asked me. Because you’d suffered some terrible accident and memory loss. I didn’t know if I should tell you or not. I was sort of being honest. Prior to Paris you’d hinted at an… admiration for her. But in Paris you told me that you were in love with her.”
“Did… did I tell her?”
“I’ve no idea. It was the last real conversation we had before you left, went missing. At the time, I told you to ignore it, bury it.”
She picked up her glass and, despite the lack of alcohol, took a few hefty gulps to brace herself. Not long before she left for Paris she’d journaled about dreams in which she was intimate with Victoria. Not to mention started drawing pictures of her. Clearly, her feelings were growing in intensity around that time.
“At that time,” she mumbled. She looked up at him. “You said, at that time you told me to ignore it…”
He nodded slowly.
“But… now?” she asked hesitantly.
He licked his lips and leaned in closer, as if worried that Victoria’s spies may be watching them at that very moment.
“Victoria isn’t known for putting her feelings on display. To most people, she doesn’t have any. But after you left, she changed. Assistants had left before, but this was different. And when she found you… she stayed behind in Paris to get you home. She put you up in her house. She… she acted about as un-Victoria as I have ever seen her.”
Holly felt her hopes lift off the ground for a brief moment. Until reality hit and she remembered the decidedly cold shoulder that Victoria had given her when she was a guest in her home.
“I wondered the same, for a while,” Holly confessed. “I kind of tried to flirt with her at her house, but… nothing. If anything, it had the opposite effect. She locked herself in her office to get away from me.”
“Flirting?” he asked.
Holly rubbed the back of her neck. “Yeah, Alexia kind of called me out on having feelings for her mom.”
Gideon covered his mouth to hold back a chuckle.
“So then I had to decide whether I would deny it, which Alexia wasn’t going to buy. So, I decided to admit it and let her help me flirt. But it bombed, so badly. Victoria avoided me all the time, and it became harder and harder to be there.”
“And that’s why you left,” he guessed.
“Yes. It was so nice being there, like this exquisite torture. Being close to her, being with a family. Neither really being mine and knowing it had to end one day. I made the decision to go before I got too attached. Or I tried to.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “It sounds like a hell of a situation.”
“It was.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, staring into their respective drink glasses, pretending to be interested in the floating mint sprigs.
“I wonder if your journal told you about the conversation we had at Gustav’s? It was about three months before we left for Paris, when things were really coming to an end between you and Kate?” Gideon asked.
Holly searched her memory but couldn’t think of the specific encounter he was alluding to.
“I’m not sure?”
“There was this guy.” Gideon leaned back in his chair and smiled at the memory. “Gorgeous. Well-dressed. I looked at him with interest, but then I thought about how young he probably was and I looked away. You asked me what I was thinking, and I told you. Do you know what you said?”
She shook her head.
“You asked me what I would remember more in six months, being rejected by him or having dated him.”
She laughed. “Yes, that sounds like something I’d say.”
“Well, I’d approached men before and been turned down. It wasn’t the end of the world. Especially after some liquid courage. But for some reason at that moment, I got cold feet. You told me to go for it. You said that if he said no, then we’d drink all night and discuss how stupid his hair was anyway.”
Holly smiled. “I wish I remembered that.”
“Oh, I wish I could forget! He turned me down. I went over there, thinking I was on top of the world and he looked at me like I was his grandfather. Said no, politely, but still no. And then you and I drank all night and laughed at his stupid hair.”
Holly bit back a giggle. “Oh, no! I’m so sorry!”
“Don’t be. You reminded me to be brave. You reminded me that the fear of failure is so much worse than the actual event. So, I got turned down. We drank all night and had a blast. We were so hungover the next day and had to hide it from Victoria or she’d fire us both.”
Holly felt her eyes bulge. She couldn’t imagine Victoria not noticing that her second assistant and her second-in-command were hungover.
“And that’s what I remember,” Gideon was saying. “I remember that you helped me find my courage, and then you propped me up when I fell.”
Holly loved learning things that weren’t in her journal. She wasn’t surprised she didn’t chronicle the evening, she probably couldn’t even remember it the next day.
“Is this the part where you tell me to tell Victoria how I feel?” Holly asked.
Gideon shook his head. “No. That’s for you to decide. Just remember to find your bravery. You once helped me when I lost mine, I want to make sure you haven’t lost yours.”
39
Holly arrived at the Hastings residence for dinner ten minutes early. She didn’t want Victoria to perceive her as being late, primarily because Holly had decided that tonight would be the night. She had spent the last twenty-four hours planning how to corner Victoria and speak to her openly and honestly.
For once, the boring hours she spent at her dull reception job were put to good use. She dreamed up conversation openers, how to prevent Victoria’s silences, and just how much she was willing to tell the woman.
The lunch with Gideon had opened her eyes. She’d read in her journals that she was trying to turn over a new leaf and start a new life before she went to Paris. Returning from Paris was supposed to be the start of a brand new Holly Carter.
Somewhere along the line she had forgotten about that. She’d become consumed with getting her life back on track but not focused on what she wanted that life to look like. Moving forward had become more important than moving in a certain direction.
And now there was another mystery to unwrap. The fact that she had admitted being in love with Victoria to Gideon. Had she said anything to Victoria? Did Victoria suspect something? She was an astute woman, able to pick up the smallest of details. Surely, she had seen her second assistant falling in love with her? Was that the reason for Victoria’s distance?
Whatever the case, she needed to know for sure or the not knowing was going to tear her apart.
Tonight was the night that Holly would find some answers. She’d spent a lot of time respecting Victoria’s boundaries and trying to not bother the publishing titan. But tonight, she wasn’t going to allow Victoria to run and hide. Tonight, they were going to talk.
“Holly!” Alexia screeched as she opened the door.
Alexia ran into Holly’s arms, and Holly held her tightly. It had been two weeks since she’d seen
the girl, and she’d missed her fiercely.
“Hey, it’s so good to see you,” Holly admitted.
She looked up to see Hugo walking down the stairs. He offered her a small wave, and she smiled back.
“Maybe you should let Holly into the house?” Victoria’s voice floated from the kitchen.
Alexia dragged Holly in and closed the door behind them. She started to pull on Holly’s jacket to assist her putting it into the closet.
“Mom is making pasta,” Alexia said excitedly. “I made the sauce. And then we’re going to watch a movie, and th—”
A loud cough came from the kitchen.
“I mean,” Alexia corrected, “I’d like to watch a movie if that’s okay with you?”
Holly grinned. “That would be great, but only if your mom and your brother join us. I’m here to see everyone, remember?” she said loudly enough for Victoria to hear.
“Cool, they’ll join us,” Alexia said as if it were already a done deal. Holly presumed it was. Whatever Alexia wanted she generally got. Especially now, she guessed.
She took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen to greet Victoria. As soon as she crossed the threshold, she felt the familiar clenching feeling in her chest. Victoria looked as beautiful as ever.
Her designer clothes were protected by a white apron. She spoke softly to Hugo about his politics homework while she stirred a large saucepan. She hadn’t yet noticed Holly in the room. She took the opportunity to enjoy seeing the domestic Victoria most people wouldn’t believe existed.
Hugo realised Holly had finally been released from Alexia’s clutches and looked at her with a big smile.
“Hey, Holly,” he said.
Victoria turned around to follow his gaze. Two sets of piercing green eyes looked at her, and Holly lifted her hand to offer them a cheesy wave.
It was good to be back.
* * *
The food was stunning, as Holly had suspected. She didn’t believe for one second that Victoria would ever waste her time with something like cooking if she didn’t excel at it. Alexia and Hugo chatted animatedly, making this dinner feel just like the ones she’d enjoyed when she was living at the house.
Unfortunately, it was also exactly the same in that Victoria seemed stilted and withdrawn. Holly tried to draw her into the conversation a couple of times. It worked for a while, but Victoria soon realised what she was doing and retreated back into herself.
Holly had predicted this and had a plan.
“Victoria, I hope you’re watching the movie with us?” she asked.
Victoria’s fork paused on the way to her mouth. She looked at Holly with slight panic flashing in her eyes.
“I do have some work to do,” she said apologetically, not committing herself either way.
“Mom, you promised,” Alexia argued.
“Join us,” Hugo requested.
Victoria looked at her children and opened her mouth to reply.
“Yes, you must join us,” Holly said. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.”
Victoria’s cheeks started to blush under the pressure. She inclined her head. “Very well, for a little while, at least.”
Holly could feel the telltale pressure in her temples. She’d had a few headaches and migraines since she’d been back in New York, and they always started when she was feeling stressed. Picking apart the mystery of Victoria Hastings was certainly stressful.
“Great,” Holly said. “What movie are we watching?”
Victoria and Hugo turned towards Alexia, the keeper of the remote control.
“Toy Story 3,” Alexia replied.
“Do I need to have seen the first two?” Holly asked.
“You’ll get the gist,” Hugo told her with a roll of his eyes, clearly not excited about the children’s movie.
“Hey! They’re good movies!” Alexia argued at the slight on her favourite franchise.
“I’m sure they are. I know I must have seen them, even if I don’t remember them,” Holly interjected to keep the peace.
“Have you remembered anything else?” Alexia probed.
“Alexia,” Victoria warned.
“It’s okay,” Holly said. “I remembered that I don’t like cheesecake.” She winked at Alexia. She knew the young girl wasn’t a fan of the treat either.
“Ick, you should stick to ice cream.”
“I will,” Holly assured. “And I have a faint memory about skating at Rockefeller Center. I think. There were skaters and really loud music.” She was still hazy on that one, but she’d seen a photograph of the rink at Christmas time and it stirred some kind of memory inside her.
“That was for work,” Victoria said softly. She straightened and looked a little uncomfortable at the admission. “A photo shoot.”
Holly thought about it for a moment. It made sense. It was a memory that had felt stuck to other memories. She remembered the sensation of skating, but she also remembered Victoria being there.
Her headache started to pound, and she winced slightly.
“I have a phone call to make,” Victoria announced. “Please start the movie and I will be up as soon as I am able.”
She vanished from the dining room. Alexia let out a sigh and pushed her plate to the middle of the table.
“So, how have you guys been?” Holly asked to try to lighten the mood.
“Mom misses you,” Alexia said. “She won’t admit it, but she does.”
“She does,” Hugo confirmed.
“I miss her, too,” Holly admitted. “I’m going to go and talk to her. I need to fix whatever this is that keeps happening. Are you two okay to start the movie without us?”
Alexia’s eyes widened. “What are you going to say?”
“I just want to talk to her. Something is on her mind, and I want her to tell me what it is.”
Hugo snorted a laugh. “Good luck.”
Holly put her napkin on the table. “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”
She walked out of the dining room, hoping that Victoria wouldn’t call her bluff.
40
Victoria drummed her fingers on the desk. She’d seen the wince on Holly’s face at the memory of the Rockefeller shoot. She wished she hadn’t said anything. Maybe Holly would have attributed the memory to some delightful day out with friends rather than a terrorising work event.
She narrowed her eyes as she tried to recall the finer details of the day, what she had said, what she had done. She remembered being bitterly cold and frustrated that most of the models were useless on skates.
There was a knock on the door, and she scrambled to pick up her mobile phone and put it to her ear.
“Come in,” she called.
Holly walked into the study and closed the door behind her. She walked straight over to the desk and leaned over it, causing Victoria to back up into her chair. Holly snatched the phone and looked at the blank display.
“Thought so,” she said smugly. She placed the phone on the desktop, sat in the chair in front of the desk, and looked at Victoria.
Victoria pressed her back into her office chair. Her hand raised, and she started to play with her necklace.
“I was… just finished,” Victoria said.
“Of course you were.” Holly didn’t sound convinced. “We need to talk.”
“Do we?”
“We do. I want to know what is going on. Why do you keep hiding out in here?”
Victoria balked. “I am not hiding out, I am working.”
“No, you’re not. I’ve seen you working, you’re focused, you don’t hear the knock at the door. And this … other behaviour… seems to happen around me, so I want to know why.”
Victoria wondered if there was a way to escape the room. Her brain wasn’t coming up with any useful excuses. She swallowed hard. This was it. They could no longer pretend that Holly didn’t recall her terrible behaviour.
“I think you know why,” she said.
“No, I don’t, that’s wh
y I’m here,” Holly said plainly. “I don’t get it. One minute you’re fine, the next you clam up. Or run away.”
“I do not run away,” Victoria denied.
“You do.” Holly folded her arms and sat back in her chair, pinning Victoria with a glare.
Dread was giving way to frustration as Victoria leaned forward.
“If I do, and I’m not saying that I do, but if I do… it’s for your benefit. So you don’t have to be around me.”
Holly frowned. “But… why?”
She slapped her desk. “Because I know you remember! Or you know everything through your journals. I’m sure all twenty-six volumes are dedicated to how… how horrible and spiteful I am!”
Holly’s eyes blinked rapidly. A moment later the girl winced and rubbed at her temple.
“And that look,” Victoria said as she gestured to Holly. “That… horror at remembering. I saw it after I reminded you about Rockefeller Plaza. You remembered what I said to you. Whatever it was. How I’m expected to remember every single conversation, I don’t know.”
“Whoa, whoa.” Holly held her hands up. “I don’t remember. And this look, this is a headache starting. Which, by the way, you are causing because you stress me out.”
Victoria felt the wind leave her sails. “You… don’t remember?”
“No. If I’d had memories, then I would have told you. Why do you…” Holly’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, is that what all of this has been about? Have you been worried that I’ve remembered working with you? And you… you’ve been taking yourself out of the situation. For me?”
Victoria’s nose flared. She felt like she was being mocked. “But your journals…”
“My journals told me a lot about my life,” Holly admitted. “And, yes, they did say that you were a royal bitch most of the time. But I don’t care. Did you worry that I… what? That I hated you?”
“You will hate me,” Victoria said with dead seriousness. “It will come.”
“No, it won’t,” Holly replied.
“It will. You may not remember now, but one day you will. And that is why I pulled away. For your sake. Because I knew that one day you would remember how terrible I was to you, and it would break us apart.”