“No, because you are you. I’d want you to be happy even if I couldn’t feel it.”
I launch myself into his arms, catching him by surprise. He tenses slightly before relaxing into me.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
A warmth spreads through both of us, uncurling in the pit of our stomachs. It’s not quite wildfire. It’s more like butterflies. I remember the first time he kissed when we were children, terrified we would not survive the day. We were raging balls of fear, but when our lips met, that was normal. That was peace.
Gabe inches back. “I’d like to kiss you again, if I may.”
“Yes.” My voice is strange and breathless. Someone else’s. “But–”
“Slowly,” Gabe nods. “I know.”
◆◆◆
We go back the following morning, waiting outside to be let in. Rudy has followed through with his threat. I half expect not to be let in at all, and have half a mind to break the goddamn door if no one comes.
“Hello, Ashe-Ashe!” says a little voice.
I wheel around. Xaph emerges from the shadows. He really is incredibly quiet.
“Hey, bud. What are you doing out here? It’s a bit–”
Cold, dark, damp. All things he’s familiar with.
“It’s a bit loud inside,” he says. “Lots of people.”
“Are they being nice to you?”
“Very… friendly,” he says, as if he’s unsure he’s used the word correctly. “But loud. All in…” he gestures to his face.
“You could go outside?” It seems monstrously unfair that he’s escaped one hole in the ground only to swap it for another.
He shakes his head. “Too many… other people. Not as nice. I don’t think.”
This still doesn’t seem right to me, which Gabe must sense.
“How ‘bout I take you out to the woods some time?” he offers. “I’d be glad of the company.”
Xaph nods his head readily, and I promise I will join them. There’s nothing in the woods that will be wary of him.
I pound again at the door. It opens a few seconds later. Pilot is on duty today, his face a blank slate. It’s better than his usual sneer, but it catches me off guard. It’s like there’s something missing.
“Hey,” he says.
“Rudy tell you not to let me in?”
“Not in so few words…”
“But you are anyway?” I raise an eyebrow. He must know opening the door is enough of an invitation. There’s no way he could stop me going in.
“Rudy knows you’re going to do whatever you like anyway.”
He doesn’t sound as disheartened as Harris, which is strange in itself. He chews his tongue.
“Spit it out,” I say.
“Rudy always has his reasons. Even if he’s not telling you something, he has his reasons for that too.”
“Why… why are you being so… calm and reasonable?”
He shrugs. “Something in your little outburst the other day got to me, I guess.”
I wonder which part? But then I see a tightness in his jaw that wasn’t there a moment ago. It doesn’t matter which part got to him. It matters what I reminded him of. Nick. Something… something in my words either sounded like something he’d said, or showed Pilot why he’d liked me to begin with.
How can he still get to us, even now?
“Right, well… whatever.” I loosen my shoulders, barging past him. “I’m going to the gym. Thinking of having a tournament of a kind. Want to join us?”
Pilot looks up at Gabe, and clearly decides he probably would like to see him fight. Or maybe he’s still hoping to see me get punched in the face. He nods and says he’ll round up some extra folk.
The young chimeras are already in training, following some of the exercises I’ve had them run earlier. Scarlet is watching from the side, nodding approvingly as I enter.
Joni turns on the climbing wall, sees me from afar, and bolts down to tackle me into a fierce hug. “You’re back!”
“‘Course I am. Nice to see you’re still training.”
“Lili told me too. She’s kinda bossy.”
“I’m not bossy,” Lili says matter-of-factly, “I’m the boss.”
I raise an eyebrow at her.
“At least while Ashe isn’t around.”
It occurs to me we’ve never really instigated a chain of command. We never had to, at the Institute. Our numbers decided for us. I hated having them, but it’s important to know.
“Actually, when I’m not around, Scarlet’s in charge.”
“Scarlet?” Lili crinkles her nose. “But she’s not–”
“Not what? Intelligent? Experienced? Smart enough to listen to others?”
Scarlet bats a hand. “I’d tell you to stop, but I love this. Do go on.”
“There’s more to being a leader than being physically strong or incredibly smart. You’re only smart if you know when to ask someone else for help.”
Gabe chuckles.
“What?”
“You’re terrible at that.”
He’s not wrong. “I’m getting better.” I turn back to the other three. “Me first,” I tell them. “Gabe if he’s around. Mi. Scarlet. Abi. Lili. Let’s pray we never have to get down further than that in the train of command.”
“What about the big guy with the metal arm?” asks Joni.
My eye twitches. “You can make up your own mind, there.”
The door bangs open, and in walks Pilot, Jack, Blue, Thor, Odine, and a handful of others I recognise only by sight. “Sorry,” Jack says, glancing at the six of us, “you said something about a tournament?”
The rules of the tournament are simple. To save anything getting too violent, two circles are drawn on the floor. Whoever gets pushed outside first loses. Blunt weapons only are allowed. Scarlet, Gabe and I are moderators, although Gabe and I will join in at the finals.
It’s much more fun to watch than the ones we had at the Institute. It is clear everything is being done in the spirit of friendliness. It’s also interesting to watch the different fighting styles and tactics. Xaph elects not to participate, and scoots up onto a climbing frame for a slightly more private viewing platform. I would like to see what –if anything– he is capable of, but I’m not going to pressure him when he’s still adjusting to life outside. It’s only been a few days.
Joni is paired with Thor for round one, with his sister facing off against Lili in the other circle. Joni is out fairly quickly. He looks at Thor –who is barely any bigger than he is– and assumes that because he is human, he’ll be a pushover, and charges at him. Thor steps out of the way at the last minute, sending Joni hurtling to the edge of the circle. He stops himself just in time, but as he’s struggling with his balance, Thor neatly delivers a kick to the back of his legs and sends him sprawling.
His sister doesn’t fare as well against Lili. Lili might not be the strongest or the fastest, but she is the smartest. She weighs up her opponent well and lets her make the first few moves, until she’s formulated an idea of her pattern. It lasts only a little longer than Joni and Thor’s.
Thor and Lili go head-to-head, but he doesn’t do much better than his sister. Meanwhile, Blue steps into the first ring. I lose focus on the starter ring after that. Mine is far more interesting. Lili remains in the running for quite some time, beating Blue, Jack and the two others that come after them. More volunteers keep trickling in. People start to bet their lunch rations. Others want to participate.
Bullet finally works his way up to Lili and beats her, much to her annoyance. He’s smart; he uses a non-regulation move, something I haven’t taught him, something she wasn’t anticipating. I wonder if he’s been practising in secret, saving it for just this sort of occasion. Bullet stays in his circle until I join it, besting him not as quickly as I would have thought. I’m proud of him. He’s proud, too.
Finally, I turn to face my final opponent, expecting it to be Gabe.
It isn’t.
It’s Nick.
I avoid his gaze, glancing behind him at Gabe, desperately signalling for him to explain this, right now! How could Nick win against Gabe? How could anyone win against him?
Gabe just shrugs, massaging his shoulder. I guess when you don’t feel anything, you can be a formidable opponent. If no punch can knock affect you… Wait, is he hurt? Gabe wouldn’t have held back–
“Well?” Nick says icily. “Shall we?”
The room is far too quiet. How many of them know our history? All of them? I feel sick to my stomach, like a creature on display. Whispers coil into snakes. No one is entertained by the idea, but no one looks away either.
Could I call it off? What message would that send? Here lies fearless Ashe, defeated by an ex boyfriend...
I want to tell him I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t… and at that thought, I realise I do. I do want to hurt him. I want him to feel what I feel, the sensation of a grater against my heart, every time I look at him. Every time I think of him.
I steel myself. “Sure.”
Nick takes a swing at me, which I dodge easily. The force strikes the air beside me, sucking it away; it would have been a hard blow. He tumbles slightly, but regains his balance within plenty of space. I wait for him to attack again before smacking my fist into his stomach with the strength I’d use to knock out an enemy.
Never, in all my years of fighting, has that done absolutely nothing. He doesn’t collapse. He doesn’t stumble. He doesn’t pause. He just keeps swinging.
This is how he managed to beat Gabe. He just kept going, and Gabe was probably just as taken aback as I was.
Why does he even want to fight me? Does he remember that moment, all those months ago, when he said he wanted to spar with me to learn how to be my asset? Is he somehow clinging onto that?
Or am I the one clinging on?
Focus, Ashe.
I punch him in the face. The flesh beneath me yields. It isn’t metal, or concrete. It’s spongy skin and muscle. The sensation crawls along my arm. This is wrong. All kinds of wrong. Why won’t he stop?
Finish him, Ashe.
Another time, another boy refused to stop fighting me. He kept coming until I made him stop. I can’t do that again. Not to Nick. Not to anyone.
The words ring in my head regardless, a screaming chorus of discordant orders. A hard snap at the end of them. Breath hammers inside my chest. My body burns. Flames brew inside my fists, waiting to be released.
I can’t wound him. That much is clear. But wounding isn’t the aim of the activity. He’s too fast and too clever to manovre out of the circle, judging every punch and lunge carefully. But I am still stronger than he is. I wait until he runs towards me, then catapult over him, yank his legs out from underneath and swing him out of the circle. It’s not the most elegant of executions, but it does the job. I employed a similar tactic on Vixen, but with a kick. I broke her spine. I can’t do that to Nick.
Nick rolls onto his back and shuffles onto his feet. He is breathing heavily, his lungs working hard even if he can’t feel them.
I’m breathing heavily too, and my fists are coiled and smoking. I shake them away. The rest of the room is utterly silent, and I wonder for a moment if a few stray sparks didn’t escape after all.
“Is everyone all right?” I ask the rest of the room. There’s a series of shocked nods. “Good.”
I leave the room. Gabe follows me, grabbing hold of my still-burning hand and turning me around in the corridor. “Ashe–”
“I’m all right.”
“I tried to defeat him. He just caught me off guard. I’m sorry. That can’t have been–”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I… I felt where you went, for a moment.”
I swallow. “I… I went back to the Institute. The day I killed Beta.”
Gabe’s jaw tightens. “I remember.”
“I hate being a killer. I hate having that inside of me, all of the time. I hate knowing that I can hurt people. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it–”
Gabe stops me with a kiss, grabbing me in his arms, holding me tightly when all I want to do is splinter apart.
“Sorry,” he says, drawing back. “I just wanted to calm you down.”
I’m not sure it did, but at least I’m breathing properly now.
“However much you hate what they made you,” Gabe whispers, “I love that person. I always have.”
There is a creak, and the doors to the gym open. Nick is standing behind him, his expression as flat as ever. Did he see all that? Hear all that?
“I… I need to go,” I tell Gabe flatly. “I just… I have to tell Julia something.”
I pull myself away, not looking back at him, hoping to get far enough away before my feelings fall out of me.
Gabe just told me he loves me.
I mean, of course he loves me. I don’t remember a time when he didn’t. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t. We must have said it to each other before. But it’s different now. It means something different, now. Something I both return and don’t, in equal measure.
I can’t let myself think anything right now. I don’t want to hurt him. That much has never changed.
I march to Julia’s. She leaps up as I enter, as though anticipating some major incident. I’m not sure I like installing that sort of reaction in her. I try to calm my features, but I’m not sure I’m successful.
“There’s been a minor incident in the gym.” I tell her. “Nick might need a check-up.”
“Is he OK?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you OK?”
Of all the questions Julia could have asked me, this one is the worst. I want to lie to her. A lie should be easy. One word, Ashe, just one word. Just say yes. Shrug. Leave the room…
But the lie does not come, and Julia’s unwavering gaze sucks the remaining strength from my limbs.
“No!” I rush, as the tears break away from me. “I’m not OK, I’ve never been OK. Not ever, not for more than a handful of fleeting moments. I barely even know what the word means! What does it feel like, not to be hurt or scared or angry or bitter or resentful or disappointed or lost? I’m so, so angry. I’m disgusted with myself. I’ve spent my entire life being beaten and mistreated… but this… this is what breaks me? A boy?”
Julia stands perfectly still, as if my words have wounded her. “We don’t get to decide what breaks us,” she says, perfectly calmly. “And you have every right to feel everything that you feel.”
“But I don’t want to! I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have to! I never… I never used to be like this. I could have just folded it all away. And it’s his fault. It’s all his fault. He came crashing into my safe ordered life and made me… and made me…”
“Made you what, Ashe?”
“Human!” The word chokes me. It hangs in the air between us. “I… I don’t want to feel any more. But… but I want to feel something… I’m so confused, and hurt, and I don’t understand how I can hate someone I love so much…”
Julia’s arms circle around me. Hands stroke my hair. “You are the toughest person I know,” she whispers. “You can get through this. I will help you through this. Broken is not the same as unfixable.”
Chapter 51
It’s not just the situation with Nick that’s breaking me. It’s years and years of shoving things away and not feeling. It’s boxes of nightmares, old wounds torn open. It’s flashbacks and bandaged memories. It’s losing those twenty-seven chimeras, and finding that creature in the labs. It’s loving Gabe and not loving him at the same time. It’s about so little being calm and normal and ordered. It’s about missing Eve, ever so slightly, because sometimes being her felt easier.
Then the sensation of Beta’s neck snapping, of guns going off in my hands, comes crashing back.
Being Eve was no easier, no less painful.
I tell Julia everything. I recount every detail of my time in the Institute, after she left. I tell her
about my siblings, the ones that we lost, the things they say to me in my dreams. I describe what they made us do. Finally, I tell her about Nick, about the crushing pain I felt returning to find him… gone. This one hurts most, especially since I know this must hurt her, too. I weep a great deal, blubbering that I’m sorry.
“You apologise a great deal,” Julia remarks. “Do you have any idea why that might be?”
“Because I feel awful. Like there’s something I could have done. Escaped earlier.”
“Could you?”
I think carefully. Escape was always the goal, but the opportunity didn’t present itself until that moment. There wasn’t an earlier one.
“No, not really.”
“So why do you feel guilty?”
“Because I still think I should have found another way.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m supposed to be the best!”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you have to be the best?”
I pause for a moment. The first answer –the easiest one– is because they told me I had to be. But haven’t I rebelled against their programming enough? Haven’t I tried to be anything other than what they made me in every other respect?
“I… I don’t know,” I respond. “I guess… I guess I feel like bad things happen when I’m not.”
“You feel responsible.”
I nod.
“For the current situation. For your family. For Gabe.”
I’m not sure if she’s talking about my romantic entanglements, or for his supposed death. The weight of that nearly crushed me.
“You don’t control the world, Ashe. You don’t have to feel that way.”
“I don’t know how not to.”
Julia reaches across and places her hand in my lap. “I’ll help you.”
She says nothing about herself in all this, but it occurs to me that Julia must feel a crushing sense of responsibility and guilt too. Not just in capacity as a doctor, but in her relationship to us. She feels responsible for what happened at that facility, and abandoning Xaph. She took in Nick and Scarlet because of it. Good things came from her guilt. Maybe good things can come from mine.
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