For a few moments, I let everything else melt away.
Chapter 55
If Abi finds it strange when Gabe emerges from my room the next morning, she doesn’t say it. Neither does she comment on the twigs in my hair, or the debris we accidentally tracked in the night before. She simply hands me a hairbrush and thrusts a broom into Gabe’s hand. It’s impossible to tell if she approves or not.
Ben, however, is another matter.
“How did you get all that in your hair?”
“Oh, you know, we took Xaph to the woods yesterday.”
“Did you run through a bush?”
Gabe spits into his drink.
“So many questions this morning, bud!”
“There’s dirt on your neck,” he points at Gabe. “Let me help… oh wait, it’s a bruise. How did you get that?”
“I’m very active.”
“I never get bruises on my neck.”
“You might when you’re older.”
I shoot Gabe a look, and pluck a piece of wilted fruit from the bowl. Gabe bites into it and draws back, slowly. I want to be mad, but I just grin foolishly. I can’t help myself.
Ben beams. “Everyone’s so happy this morning! Yay!” Abi places a bowl of porridge in front of him. He digs in. “I miss Mi,” he says, after a few mouthfuls.
“If that is a comment on my cooking, child-of-ours,” Abi scowls, “you’re doing it tonight.”
“No! It isn’t! Promise! I just think of him when I eat… and when I’m happy, because I’m happy when I’m with Mi, but he’s not here, so I’m hoping he’s happy too.”
Gabe whispers in my ear. “Weird phrasing, but that makes perfect sense to me.”
I smile. “He’ll be home soon, buddy. It’s been over a week now.” I glance at Abi, hoping she might have heard something, but she just shakes her head.
◆◆◆
Back at the base, I call in on Scarlet. She heard from him briefly last night.
“Did he seem OK?”
“He sounded tired. Ready to come home. But he said it would be a few more days yet.”
“Do you know who he’s with?”
“Nick, and I think a couple of others I’m not familiar with? He was vague on the details. But Nick’s clearly not here, so…”
Nick? What could he be doing with Nick?
“You look tired too,” Scarlet remarks. “But like… a good tired?”
I cannot help but smirk.
“Oh, all right then. Good to know!”
“I said nothing.”
“You didn’t have to.”
Training the others today is a gruelling task. Gabe is here, and his eyes are constantly searching for mine, holding my gaze and smirking irresistibly. It makes it very hard to concentrate, to focus on anything. I feel like I’m on fire, and a few times am sure I’m about to actually, physically erupt. I have to excuse myself halfway through the session to take a lukewarm shower. I half expect him to follow me.
That night, Gabe comes back to my room, and we attempt a quiet, less-destructive version of the previous night’s escapades. We continue in the same pattern for several days. I am not used to feeling so worn out afterwards. He’s not used to feeling anything at all. I didn’t know it could be like this, I think as I lie in the crook of his arm. I trace the muscles along his abdomen. It still feels strange that he’s such an adult now. How strange to find us here. But it makes sense, I suppose. Of course we’d end up here.
“You are thinking lovely thoughts, and I should dearly like to hear them,” he whispers, kissing my head.
“I was just thinking that it was always going to be you.” This is not true, not quite, but I know it will make him happy. It’s true enough to fool him. He kisses me deeply and I drown a little in his embrace.
Maybe there were parts of destiny that I should embrace, parts that could bring me happiness. Maybe sometimes it was OK to give into fate.
Two floors down something is moving. Gabe and I bolt up, focusing on the noise. One person, stumbling slightly, moving slowly.
“Mi,” says Gabe, before I do. We pull on some clothes and meet him in the main room. Even in the dark, we can see the hollows under his eyes. He looks drained, empty, scooped out.
“Hey,” he groans.
“Hey,” I return. “Mi… are you all right?”
“Physically, I am uninjured. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. Also, exhausted. I’m going to bed. No one except Scarlet disturb me for the next twelve hours or so.”
Scarlet is round at first light. She slinks silently into his room and closes the door. There are no words, just the sound of her shuffling into bed with him. They do not come out until the afternoon. When they finally emerge, he looks a bit brighter, although more subdued than usual. He slides into the table and lets Scarlet press food into his hands.
“So, Scarl informs me that I no longer have to bunk with my brother,” he says, not even turning towards me. “That’s good, I guess. She’s a much more preferable roommate.”
Scarlet says nothing, but she kisses the top of his head as she passes. “I have to get back to base. I’ll see you later.” She waves goodbye.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Gabe asks. “You seem… disappointed.”
I didn’t get that emotion at all, but Gabe does tend to have a knack for his. Mi shakes his head. “I’m sure I’ll be able to explain at some point, but not yet. I’m going to Baz’s, seeing if he’s got any work for me. I’ve been cooped up too long.”
“You’re going to hack up animals because you’ve been cooped up too long?” I ask incredulously.
“You’d go hunting.”
“Fair point. Continue.”
He shuffles off down the corridor to dress.
Chapter 56
I’m due back at HQ for another session with Julia. I’m getting more used to them now, although this morning she seems as wiped out as Mi. We get through about half a session before she almost drops off in her seat.
“Something on your mind, Doc?”
“Sorry, late night.”
“Everything OK with… Nick?”
“Nick? Why would you–”
“Well, him and the others that Mi was on the mission with. Mi looks exhausted. I thought maybe something had happened–”
“No,” she says resolutely, “everyone’s fine.”
“Good. Good, I’m glad.”
“I think… that’s enough for today. Next week?”
“Sure.”
I do a spot of training with the chimeras before I leave, but I’m not really feeling it. I can hear the distant sound of thunder rumbling in the distance, and long to be outdoors. I like rain, I like storms. Plus it might be interesting to try practising my fire powers in the rain.
I head outside with that exact thought, along the old road.
I do not get far.
Nick is standing out there in the pouring rain.
My jaw tightens. I should ignore him. I should pick another route. Why? Why does he still make me feel this way… make me feel anything? I’m with Gabe now. I’m supposed to be with Gabe.
“What are you doing?” I snap.
Nick wheels round to face me. His skin is pale, his eyes dark, and his cheeks sharper than before. The mission did go on for a long time; has he been eating properly? He looks worse than Mi.
Not your problem, Ashe. Not any more.
“Ashe.”
“Ever heard of the saying, ‘too dumb to come in out of the pouring rain’?”
“You’re out here.”
“I’m a superhuman, here to do superhuman things. You are a mere mortal. You could catch your death and not know it.”
“I think I’d notice if I died.”
“Tell that to my victims.”
Is that a flinch? No. A reaction, an automated response, from getting water in his eye.
“That day, when I came back from trying to free the other chimeras, and Rudy attacked me… did you… did you hear wh
at I said? About the things I’d done?”
Nick’s jaw tightens, almost imperceptibly. “I heard.”
“The first person I killed was a boy named Beta. I was ten. He was a few months younger. It was a duel. I won. I hated myself for it afterwards, but in the moment, I enjoyed it.”
Nick says nothing. What do you say, after all, to a confession like that?
“I say first person. He’s the first I knew was a person. They used to get us to hunt other… hybrids. Creatures more like Xaph. I don’t know if any of them could speak. I don’t know if that matters. I didn’t stop to check. Some of them… when they looked up at me, their eyes were more human than mine.”
Nick remains mute.
“I killed another one, when I was back at the Institute. I needed them to be convinced that I was on their side. If they’d asked me to do it again, I would have. I’m not sure, at that point, if I would have cared.”
“Why… why are you telling me this now?”
“I was too afraid before. Too afraid of what you’d think of me if you knew. That’s the one good thing about this; I’m not afraid anymore. If you truly think nothing of me, it won’t matter that you were in love with a killer.”
Nick swallows, his gaze unreadable. “I’ve killed too.”
“Not like me. There’s a difference between pulling a trigger and snapping someone’s neck. It’s like pulling out their soul yourself. I did that. Many times. And sometimes… sometimes I liked it.”
“You regret it. You told me–”
“It doesn’t matter if you regret it. They’re still dead. Feelings do not justify actions, they are only a balm for our guilt. It does not matter how you feel about doing something awful.”
“It might matter what you do next.”
For a moment, just a split second, he sounds like himself again. The old Nick, who always knew what to say.
“Thanks for the advice, Nicholas.”
I march past him, determined to move on. He reaches out to grab me, but I shrug him away. I have to conquer this. I have to. For Gabe, for myself. No more, Ashe. No more.
Chapter 57
A week later, I take the chimeras out into the wilderness, along with Xaph. Ben is at school, much to his annoyance. He’s been grumbling a lot lately about why he has to go and Joni doesn’t, which is not an easy question to answer. In truth, Joni doesn’t need schooling as much as Ben; the Institute provided him with a very thorough education. The other truth of the matter is that it isn’t really my decision what Joni does. He isn’t mine.
We start off together, practicing our tracking skills, but we split off when we encounter a herd of deer, making a game of who can catch it first. Gabe follows Lili and Bullet; I chase off after Joni and Xaph. We end up going in deeper than I imagined, edging the river.
I came here with Nick once, when I first discovered I had fire powers. I couldn’t control them, and he tackled me into the water to stop me from setting mysef ablaze. It’s how he got those scars, scars that I now feel more than he does.
I wander down to the banks by myself, not too far away from the boys. I can still hear them in the distance, even above the rush of water. It is a beautiful sight, the crystalline waters cutting through the rock, the sun covering everything with a golden haze.
There is a figure standing beside the water’s edge, his back turned to me. Wind blows through his dark-blond hair.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!”
Nick wheels around. He must not have heard me approach. I could have got away with ignoring him. He still looks thin, although less grey than the last time we locked eyes, a week ago. I haven't seen him since that day in the rain. He's been avoiding me more than he used to.
I try to ignore the sickly pallor of his skin. “What are you doing here?”
He swallows. “It’s… complicated.”
“Isn’t everything now?”
“You have no idea.”
I turn to scramble back up the bank, but Nick calls out after me. “Ashe– wait!”
“Why do you even want to talk to me? What do you want from me?”
“What I have always wanted,” he says softly.
That stops me, because I remember another conversation we had, long ago. I just want you.
But this Nick doesn’t want anything.
“Ashe–” he starts.
“Quiet.”
Nothing stirs around me, nothing except the whir of wind, the trickle of water. I can’t hear any signs of wildlife at all.
“I can’t hear the boys.”
I creep back up, heading off in the direction I last saw them. Nick follows, not nearly as quietly as I would like. I should have brought comms, but I didn’t think we’d be so far away. And what would be out here we couldn’t manage as a team? I gave Lili the only radio, just in case we ran into trouble. I didn’t think to bring multiple in case we split up. Rookie error.
I can hear something though. A van? I didn’t realise there were any roads out here. I follow the noise, keeping my ears pricked for anything else unusual.
Something rustles overhead.
“Ashe!” Xaph's face appears in the foliage.
“What’s happened?” I ask.
“Joni’s found something. Follow me.”
He leaps along the treeline, towards the noise of the van. Slowly, the undergrowth starts to dissipate. Stone crawls out of the forest. A towering shell of a building creeps through the earth. It must have once been truly magnificent. The stone is almost gold in colour, and shattered remnants of coloured glass are still visible beneath the swathes of ivy. The remains of statues and engravings still litter the arches and stonework. What it must have looked like, long ago.
I find Joni crouched behind a bush, staring at it intently. A van is parked outside.
“What is it?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Have you seen anything?”
“Some people got out of the van. They were carrying stuff.”
“Did you see what?”
He shakes his head.
I’m in two minds about whether or not to approach. It could just be a family, or a nomadic group, who have stumbled across this structure and decided to make it their home. But it’s strange to see people out here, particularly ones well-equipped, and if they’re up to no good… it’s best to be aware of that.
“I’m going to check out the van,” I tell the others. “Keep a watch. Joni, can you whistle if anyone comes out?”
He blows a couple of owl-noises into his palm, just to check.
“Very good. I won’t be long.”
Keeping close to the ground, my body turned to present less of a target, I inch closer to the van and lift myself inside it. There are several crates and supplies in the back. Some just have food, cooking equipment, camping tools. The third has tasers.
It’s best to be prepared out here, to be sure, but what are they hoping to tase? Wild boar? Bear?
The fourth box houses guns, military issue. Not the sort used for hunting.
My fingers itch for the next crate.
It holds dozens of folded red cloaks, and neatly-stacked gold masks.
The Chosen.
I hear a hoot, but I’m already moving, scuttling away to the safety of the trees. Nick can see I’m spooked.
“What is it?”
“It’s The Chosen. Quite the weapon’s cache.”
“You certain?”
“No, Nick, I’ve forgotten how to count! Yes, I’m certain. We need to get out of here.”
I don’t know how many of them are in there, how many might be armed already. There are too many variables for me to risk our safety for a moment longer. I need to get out, find the others, and report this back to Phoenix HQ. Where’s Gabe? I can’t feel him. He isn’t close by–
“Come on–” I tug Joni’s backpack, and he starts to follow.
I do not know precisely what happens next. One of us –Nick, Joni or Xaph– steps on something. A twig. A branc
h. A snail. Or maybe they notice one of us rustling in the bushes. It hardly matters what or who it was, but seconds after my back is turned, I hear someone call out after us.
“Run!” I hiss.
Xaph hurtles through the branches overhead, but no one on the ground is faster than me, and shots are fired. They whistle past me, striking the trees, splintering the bark.
“Don’t stop!”
I should keep running. That’s what the Institute would have told me to do. Keep running. Don’t look back. But Joni and Nick aren’t as fast, aren’t as good fighters. Xaph can’t fight at all.
I hold back, diving behind a tree and waiting until the others stream past me. Nick calls out when he realises I’m no longer ahead.
“Keep going!”
Two guards plummet into the foliage ahead of me, their gazes still tight on their quarry. I leap up behind one of them, grabbing his weapon. In his panic, he starts to fire. The bullets go everywhere, and I direct the aim towards his comrade. I don’t have time to feel guilty. Not today, not right now. His body hits the floor a bloody, pulsing mess. Not quite dead. Not yet.
I wrestle my victim into unconsciousness.
That ought to be it, but more are coming. There’s a van whirring into life too, racing through the undergrowth. Someone is firing through the trees.
Don't stop, don't stop.
I’ve almost caught up to Joni and Nick. I am mere seconds away. Bullets are still firing. One catches Joni in the back and he crumples to the floor. Nick drops down after him, covering him with his own body. I reach them, roll the boy over, preparing to scoop him up and onto my shoulders–
Joni’s eyes stare at nothing. A dark stain grows over his chest.
A moan escapes me. “No…” I press my fingers over his neck, just to be sure. There is nothing.
Nick tugs at my shoulder.
“Ashe, we need to move.”
I don’t want to move. I want to scream I’m not going to leave him! Only… there is nothing to leave. A shell remains where Joni used to be. The rest of him has spilled out somewhere. Even now, even after all this time, it still amazes me how quickly a person can stop being a person. How suddenly there can be absolute nothingness where life used to be.
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