“I’m sorry, I know I have super-hearing, but I must have misheard you. To lead who, exactly?”
“Mankind, or at least a few –if you’ll pardon the unfortunate word choice– chosen ones.”
“Lead you where, exactly? Because there’s a few places I’d like to take you.”
“To paradise.”
“Oh. You really are one of those.”
“No,” he said, “I am not. They are fools, waiting around for a mythical saviour, a perfect solution, spreading chaos and terror under the guise of faith. I took destiny in my own hands. If no saviour would present itself, I would create one.”
“But you created dozens.” I stare at him. “I saw them. I know about the other Institutes. I know I’m not the first.”
“Well, it’s best not to have all your eggs in one basket.”
“Let me speak plainly: I am not an egg in your basket. I am not anything of yours. I never will be. If you want someone to lead you into whatever messed-up future you have planned: pick one of the other Eves. I am not interested.”
“But none of the others are as promising as you.”
“That one you killed looked pretty promising.”
He waves his hands. “Her test scores were underwhelming.”
“Her test scores? You used her as a guinea-pig because of her test scores?”
“Somebody had to be tried. Better the weaker.”
“You and I have a different version of weak.”
He smiles. “Precisely, Eve. That’s why I want you. Despite everything we taught you, drilled into you, you still had your own ideas. Leaders are not followers. Not without question.”
“Which brings me back to no, sorry, not interested.”
“Aren’t you curious, as to what we tested for?”
I pause. The truth is, I am. They were clearly measuring something other than just physical attributes, all of this time.
“Hit me.”
“Empathy. Understanding. Morality. The ability to solve problems without violence. The want to find other ways.”
“You can breed that?”
He nods. “To an extent. Some of the subjects… developed a little differently. Had genuine empathic abilities. Some could not control them.”
Moona. It was not just an inability to control her senses, but her emotions too. Imagine… imagine being able to feel everyone, the way I do Gabe. Mi’s a little like that, although nothing so extreme. I just know he feels things more than I do.
You don’t know what it’s like.
That’s why they treat the others as cannon fodder. Why they abandoned Vixen, devoid of empathy or understanding. Maybe why they killed all of those others. Too empathic, or not enough. Neither strong nor simple enough to be of use to them.
“I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but I’m not exactly the most caring of individuals.”
“But you see, I think you are. You’re just able to control, rationalise, compartmentalise them. The traits of an excellent leader.”
“And we’re back to that again. I think I’m just going to leave now.”
“Aren’t you interested in the rest of our plans?”
“I imagine it’s something to do with wiping out the rest of humanity and starting over. Isn’t that how these things go?”
“You’re very astute, Eve. If you believe that, why don’t you try to stop me now?”
“I also imagine you wouldn’t be so careless with your plans if you didn’t have some kind of back-up option. A clone. A holographic version of yourself. A robot you can upload your consciousness to. That last one might actually be an improvement.”
“You know, I do wish we could have bred out your sense of humour.”
“No such luck. But I will tell you this: if your plan is to wipe out humanity, I have to tell you, I’ve become somewhat attached to it. I will stop you.”
He smiles. “I count on it.”
I am halfway out of the building when my foot catches on a stray knife. I pick it up and hurl it at the Director. Somehow, he dodges, his reflexes lightening-fast. It clatters to the floor.
I was only aiming for his shoulder, just to let him know that I could hurt him, that he doesn't own me. That he never has.
"Next time you make a weapon," I tell him, "don't make one with a heart."
Chapter 60
Outside, a van is waiting for us. Julia and a handful of others are inside. The journey back is very quiet. I am sitting between Gabe and Julia, who is busy checking Nick’s wounds. I have to resist the urge to ask if he’s OK, or even look at him, because if I do, everything I feel for him will rise up and spill into Gabe, and that’s not fair, not remotely. So I sit and stew in my guilt, which he feels instead.
The nearest we come to talking is when we stop to pick up Joni’s body. We wrap him up and carry him into the van, lying him down on the floor between us. Then the space is filled with the sounds of Lili and Bullet sobbing, and Julia coughing, trying not to.
I will cry too. But not now, not yet.
I look at his face, his closed eyes. He looks even smaller now, younger too. Too young to be so cold, to have known so little warmth.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I failed you.
Gabe takes my hand at this, which is something at least, and closes his eyes.
When we reach the base, he tears away from me. He is out of the hangar before I can utter a single word. He should stay for the debriefing, but he won’t. He’s worse at following orders than I was, and yet he had to do it for five years longer.
I follow Nick out, into the infirmary. Julia runs a few more checks with her fancy equipment to ensure that nothing under the skin is damaged, and then properly bandages his wounds. He’s already dosed with low-key painkillers. She leaves the room silently, squeezing my shoulder. I almost want to follow her, I’m so lost for things to say, but then Nick’s hand flies out and gently tugs me into the seat beside him.
“Is the Director dead?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure killing him would stop what he plans, and I don’t think he would have told me what he did if he thought I could kill him.”
“Maybe he was calling your bluff.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” I breathe deeply. “He wants to remake the world.”
“No surprises there.”
“He wants me to lead whatever remains of mankind into whatever future he has planned.”
Nick raises an eyebrow. “Mild surprise there.”
“Not too surprised, though?”
“I always thought… the stories you told me… it sounded like they wanted you to be more than soldiers.”
“Some of us...” I whisper.
Nick nods, looking down. “What… what Adam said… about that girl…”
“Eva.” My throat tightens. “Yes. She’s my genetic daughter.”
“You… you said you couldn’t have kids.”
“Not any more. They made her with whatever they took from me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry that they did that to you, that they took away your choices, and that…”
“Go on.”
“She’s the only child you’re ever going to have, and you don’t even get to keep her.”
I hug my arms. “I’ve got Ben,” I say. “He’s enough for me.”
There’s a knock on the door. It’s Rudy.
“May I speak with you?” His voice is as light as I have ever heard it.
“Of course.”
He glances at Nick. “In my office? Alone?”
“I’m fairly sure Nick’s used to you insulting me by now, and in no condition to defend me.”
“I mean, I’d still try,” says Nick, weakly raising his fists.
“It’s not that,” Rudy insists. “I… I will explain. But I’d like to… minimise the… er, witnesses…”
Nick shrugs, indifferent, and I follow Rudy out. The walk to his office is a long one. When we reach i
t and close the door behind us, he remains mute, pacing around the table, rolling his metal arm back in his shoulder.
“When I was… when I was thirteen…” he says eventually, “there was a bombing in Luca. An attack. I… I didn’t know who was responsible, at the time.”
“I’ve heard this,” I tell him. “From Nick. Why wouldn’t you want him–”
“Because of what happened next.” He breathes deeply. “When I came to the slums, I was… maimed. Alone. Genuinely wanting to die. I might have, too, if not for the crowd I fell in with. They helped me. Fed me. Taught me… all sorts of things. They convinced me that Luca was an evil place.”
“That much hasn’t changed.”
“No, but everything else did.” He exhales carefully. “They made me… made me do things. Things I wasn’t proud of. Lives were lost. Innocent ones.”
“Oh,” I say, finally realising what he means. So this is how Rudy learnt about smuggling, about explosives. Everything he used now to protect… he’d used once to harm. “The Chosen,” I deduce. “They’re who… who took you in.”
He nods. “I was with them for some time. I learnt… I learnt about their beliefs. Their true beliefs.”
“You mean the part about the world ending in fire and ash?”
“You’ve heard it?”
“Their leader might have mentioned it.”
“Ramses? He was there?”
“Yes. He’s dead now. The Director –the man that runs the Institute– he killed him. They were brothers. Both part of the cult, from what I can tell, but the Director got bored with waiting for a mythical saviour and ta-da! Made me. Several versions, actually. Just to be safe.”
“There are more of you?”
“Thankfully, there is only one Ashe, but it appears I have several genetic clones.”
“So, it could be any of them…”
“Whoa, you don’t actually believe in any of this crazy stuff, do you?”
“No,” he says slowly, “but they believe. And therein lies the issue.”
“Ramses is dead.”
“His followers aren’t.”
I pause, taking this in. “You kept me away from the cult because in your weird, twisted way, you were trying to protect me, weren’t you?”
“In my weird, twisted way, yes.”
“Then why not just tell me?”
“Tell you that a crazy cult thinks you might be the destroyer of worlds? Would that ever have stopped you?”
“Hmm, good point.” I would have laughed, shrugged it off, and maybe even put more into tracking them down. “FYI, no intention of obliterating mankind. Just putting that out there.”
“I believe you.”
“Because I’m so trustworthy?”
“Because you like us. Humanity. There are moments when you even like this world.”
I chew my lip. “Some moments.”
“Ashe?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t… don’t tell anyone else about my history with The Chosen. Harris knows, of course, but… I wouldn’t want anyone else to doubt me.”
“Secret’s safe with me, boss.” I give a mock salute, heading towards the door. “Can I call you boss again? Am I back on the team?”
“I’ll have Harris give you back your access.”
“Excellent. Level six?”
“Three.”
“I will take it.”
Despite himself, despite everything he has just told me, Rudy cannot help but grin.
◆◆◆
Nick is waiting for me outside the study, leaning uncomfortably against the wall.
“What are you doing here?” I say, immediately ducking under his arm to take some of the weight off his side.
“Relax, Julia discharged me.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“No, she didn’t, but it’s fine.”
“You and I have a very different definition of fine...” I say, tugging him along the corridor.
“I just… I was worried you might slip away before, before, uh…”
“Right,” I say. “We need to talk.”
“Yeah.” He sighs. “Don’t take me back to Julia’s. My room is closer anyway.”
“She’ll come looking…”
“Let her. I’ve had enough of infirmaries.”
I relent, changing direction.
“You can’t be comfortable.”
“Honestly, after weeks of nothing, the pain is actually quite pleasant…” He winces as we go down a step. “Wait, no, scratch that. Pain sucks.”
I reach the door to his room and twist it open, lowering him down on the bed. He lets go slowly, his eyes fixed on me. “Far better than the alternative, however,” he says. His gaze seems to graze me, like mist against skin. “Better than feeling nothing at all…”
I don’t know what to say to this, and apparently neither does he. We sit for a moment in silence, almost touching.
Finally, he speaks. “Are you… going to tell Gabe about what happened?”
“He will know something happened. He does know something happened. I will have to.”
“Of course. Mind-reading connection. Little hard to compete against.” He attempts a smile. “So… is he going to try and kill me?”
“I kissed you. It’s me he should be mad at.”
“I kissed back. Quite a lot.”
“The point is, I’m responsible for my actions. He may be angry, but he won’t blame you.”
“OK, so I’m not going to have to fight for you. Because I would lose.”
“Fighting over girls is so last millenium.”
“True...” He plays with the edge of his coverlet. “So… where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know.”
“Right, so, the thing is…” He scratches the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact. “The thing is… I’m in love with you.”
My heart lurches, beating frantically. It’s as strong as I am. It’s going to break free. He said it. I heard. It’s even better than seeing it. It’s even worse.
“I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but that is the first time I’ve actually said that to you,” Nick continues. “I’ve written it a lot, but…”
“I saw.”
“Good. So you know. I’m in love with you. I’m not going to sit here and make any grand promises of what I’ll do for you or the sort of person I’ll be, but I will say this: I cannot imagine ever loving anyone else more than I love you. There isn’t enough love inside of me to spread to another person; I heaped it all on you almost from the moment that we met. I would still take our weeks together over a lifetime of weeks without. You are worth every awful thing that has ever happened. I cannot sit here and tell you that I’m the better choice, but I will say that if you want it, my heart is forever and utterly yours.”
“Nick…”
“If you need some time to think, I understand. I’ve given you plenty of reason to doubt me.”
“I don’t doubt you,” I whisper. This next part is painful. “I love you.”
Nick smiles. “I’ve heard you say that before, but it’s so different watching it–”
“But I love Gabe too. Not in the same way. Not now, not ever, really. But… I don’t want to hurt him. He… oh God, what an awful mess. He’s going to know. He’s going to be hurt. It’s unavoidable.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t think… I can’t be with you. Not right now. Not for a while. And I have to speak to Gabe.”
Nick nods. He takes one of my hands and kisses it. “It’s all right,” he says. “I told you before that I’d wait for you. Only thing that’s changed is how much I love you. I’d spend my life waiting.”
“Your whole life? That’s a lot of decades, Lilywhite. I wouldn’t want you to waste that much time.”
“So don’t keep me waiting,” he says coyly.
I kiss his cheek, but don’t trust myself to do anything more. If I spend any longer here, I’m
going to crawl into that bed with him and never crawl back out. “I’ll try not to.”
Chapter 61
I meet Mi on the way out of the base. He says nothing when I announce my presence, just runs up and hugs me. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“Mostly. You heard everything?”
“I think I’ve heard the whole story from everyone now. I’m so sorry, about Joni–”
I swallow painfully. Was that just today?
“I’ll be OK. Bullet and Lili–”
“Scarlet’s with them.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Ashe?”
“Thank you, for what you did for Nick.”
Mi’s jaw tightens. If he could look away, he would. “It wasn’t just for you…”
Of course it wasn’t. It was for Scarlet and Julia and everyone else who loves him. It was probably even a little bit for himself.
“I know. But it can’t have been easy, and… and not saying anything couldn’t have been easy either.”
He breathes sharply. “I was afraid you’d hate me when you found out.”
“You’re very hard to hate, you do realise?”
“I… I do try.”
“Gabe… Gabe knows too. About Nick. Have you seen him?”
He shakes his head. It’s a testament to his character that he doesn’t make a joke here. I thank him, dismiss myself, and head back to the loft. It’s pitch black. Both Ben and Abi are fast asleep, oblivious to the chaos that's unfolded today, but I register another presence on the roof. It’s not Cinder the goat.
I make my way up the fire escape, each foot falling like lead. I’d take another fight with Adam and Eva over this. This will be way harder, much more painful.
Gabe is sitting on the ledge, looking over the city. He does not acknowledge me as I approach.
“I need to tell you something.”
He sighs. “Something happened between you and Nick, didn’t it?”
I nod. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was just taken aback when I realised he could feel again–”
“You still love him.”
“I–”
“You can’t lie to me.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“I… I don’t understand," he says. "He left you! He thought you were dead–”
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