by Mark Henry
91 I knew this because occasionally, shed blurt out, six letters, third letter is a D, Lindsays definitely a lush, or Judy Garland could knock em back with the best of them. Twelve down.
92 And if you dont, might I suggest buying my previous memoir Happy Hour of the Damned: on sale now, wherever it is pretty people buy books.
93 Its what I have instead of heavy artillery. Some might say it IS heavy artillery.
94 And I dont mean Pinot Noir. Though if you need to believe that to make it through the night, then run with it.
95 As if I ever could.
96 Yeah. That was a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (and not a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) reference. I dont care how much you drip for Johnny Depp, that re-make was an assault on childhoods everywhere.
97 And if Samuel loved anything, it was a shard-spitting contest.
98 Because Im sensitive to the needs of todays trannie shapeshifter as well as the cosmetically altered. Its not going away, people. I might as well make some money. Lord knows I could use some.
99 And no, I dont expect you to bemoan my fashion budget. Were not at the crappy part yet.
100 No. Unfortunately the name is not an ode to the fabulous breakfast treat establishment, but rather Donuts particular sexual proclivity. One Id rather leave to your own imagination. Ohwho am I kidding? Hes a chipper, a food fetishist. The kind that likes to dip (or dunk, if you will) their edibles into a fancy stretched-out ass (or donut). Gross, right? I blame you for making me tell.
101 That should come as no surprise to any of you.
102 I know. I know. Fast food is bad for you.
103 Shed be cursing herself later.
* You didnt think Id miss a chance to veer dramatically from the actual story line, did you? Remember? I promised a fat-ass appendix, so here you go.
104 Well, to be honest, Im not sure he missed them. He sure had fun darting his tongue in and out of the gap.
105 Or he was good at his act. Either way.
106 Or second cumming, for that matter.
107 If you could call it that. Id call it an eternity.
108 Oh yes, I did just make a Kris Kringle nose reference.
109 And if you do count that, I have the number for a therapist Id recommend. Yes, there are a few left I havent eaten. I dont know why you have to get smart with me.
110 And I mean no BIG loss.
111 So just shut up.
112 Suddenly isnt a word I use a lot, because I hate it. It implies an absence of forethought and poor planning. Bear in mind, Im a teenager in this flashback. I appreciate your leeway.