“So there you go. Now you know how I feel,” Dorian said as his voice cracked a little.
“Dorian, I—”
“I know, you and my brother are together and there’s not one thing I can do about it.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Your kiss said enough, Mattie. You love me, but you’re in love with him and an Angel’s Promise binds you. He was created for you, I get it, and it’s just really hard to watch. I never anticipated having feelings for you as I do. I feel for you the way you feel for Avan. The sad thing is that when you can’t be with the person you feel that way for and you see them in love with someone else every day, it makes you a little crazy. So forgive me for being moody, as you like to call it, but this is the way it is for me,” Dorian replied calmly as the rain softened to a sprinkle.
“I just wish there was a way I could make everyone happy.”
“That’s impossible, and you know it. I will continue to protect you just, as Avan will, Mattie. I will never stop loving you, even if I can never have you. I just want you to know that, but I have to keep more of a distance.”
“Dorian, there is someone out there. My mom always told me God makes someone for everyone; you just have to wait for them.”
“That’s a cute little saying for humans, Mattie, but it doesn’t exactly work that way with angels. Each one of us is wired for a specific purpose. Sometimes, after being around humans for so long, we tend to start acquiring some of the feelings and emotions they do, just as you did a couple of weeks ago when you fell for Lena’s little trick. You played into the emotional factor that she could be genuine and good. You were wrong, but you allowed yourself to let her appeal to your human responses. You are more of an angel than any of us, and it happened to you, so imagine what goes on with us.
“We gain humanistic desires too once we’ve been down here long enough, and the bosses upstairs know that and are fairly forgiving as long as we don’t screw up and be completely irresponsible by creating Nephilim children. That is when they step in and pull us out of here. Bottom line, you can’t change the way I feel. Avan knows all of this, and that’s why he didn’t try to stop me from leaving at your apartment.”
“How long have you felt this way?” I inquired.
“From the minute I laid eyes on you, but I already knew that you and Avan were destined for each other. I thought I’d get over it, then every time I was around you it got worse. I never let anyone know, which was incredibly hard to keep a secret with the whole shared thoughts thing. I had to occupy myself with other things to distract everyone from digging through them. Then your birthday rolled around, and I had to pretend to be to simply be doing favors all day when what I really wanted was to be the guy sending the gifts rather than the one delivering them. When we were singing to you last week, I could tell how in love you were with Avan and it took everything I had to keep my mind shut off from all of you!
“Everything was going according to plan with my secret safe until I saw you bleeding on the floor of the hotel room. I lost it and everybody found out. That is why Avan told us to get you out of there. He knew at that point how I felt and that I would do something so out of control that we wouldn’t be able to fix it. I wanted to kill Ian just as much as Avan did, even though I know there is no way to kill an angel.
“I wanted to throw him right back into pits of hell where he belonged, but that wasn’t my task; it was Avan’s. All I could do was sit there, holding towels to your wounds, watching you suffer. I couldn’t even kiss your forehead and tell you that I loved you. I couldn’t comfort you. I couldn’t do anything. My secret was out, everyone knew, and maybe my brothers don’t judge me, but I judge myself! How could I be weak enough to fall in love with the one person destined to be with my brother?” Dorian ranted.
“Dorian, I know I can’t be what you want me to be for you, but I think having you as a brother is better than not having you at all! Can you please try to accept that and embrace the relationship that we can have?” I asked in hopes that he would see that a familial relationship was so much better than having an empty space where each of us used to be, or pining for what could never come about.
“Mattie, I told you I’m not going anywhere, but I can’t just turn it off. Just let me be.”
“Okay, just know that in time things will get better, you’ll see.”
“You believe that. I’ve gotta go. My shift starts soon.”
“Are we cool?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking, even though I knew we were far from being cool. If anything we were icy cold like a refrigerator on steroids due to the complicated circumstances of our love triangle that I had never known existed until about a half an hour ago.
“Things will be just like you have always known them to be, with the exception that now you know what is going through my mind. I will be as nice to you as I have always been. Mattie, I love you enough to let you go. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you, only that I will put on my mask and love you from a distance. I’ll take my place in this family and tell everyone that I talked to you, making them believe I share their little-sister-Mattie point of view, but know that I will love you for all eternity in a way that only you will be aware of.”
“Dorian, thank you for trying to make this work. I can’t imagine things without you.”
Without another word, Dorian turned and walked away, leaving me alone in a crowded parking lot. I could not help but still be worried about him, but I was glad we hashed it out. Even if I did find out how he really felt about me, at least I knew why he was distant. I was not sure how I should handle the fact that he was going to be wearing a mask to hide his feelings for me, but surely the guys knew him well enough that they would figure it out on their own. I was going to work on pretending this had not taken place. If I acknowledged the issue, it would eat me alive to the point that I would not be able to function.
Looking down at the puddles on the cement, I could not help but wonder what Avan thought when he found out how Dorian felt about me. Did he get filled with jealousy and take it out on Ian? Even if he did, Ian deserved it. Did Avan feel betrayed? He was the one who suggested I meet with Dorian today; he had already known how Dorian felt, so why would he have wanted me to meet with him? I almost missed Avan’s response in my mind as I asked one question right after another while I walked to the other end of the strip mall, through the parking lot, trampling through the mud puddles like a five-year-old throwing a fit.
“I wanted you to talk to him alone because he needed to admit how he felt,” Avan’s voice sounded.
“He already admitted it to all of you. Why did he need to humiliate himself by telling me too? What good did it really do?”
“He needed to hear how you felt from you. He needed to confront how he felt rather than bury it and let it manifest into something ugly and dark,” Avan answered.
“I feel bad for him,” I admitted.
“Sometimes we are faced with complicated situations, Angel. This isn’t your fault. The best thing you can do for him is teach him through your actions how to still have a relationship, even though it isn’t the one he wants,” Avan explained.
“I’m afraid things will never be the same. Why didn’t you give me a heads up if you knew all this?” I asked, a little irritated that I had walked into the unpleasant conversation with Dorian blindly when Avan could have filled me in; I could have thought of better and more comforting things to say when I was on the spot.
“I just wanted to make sure your answers and feelings were genuine rather than practiced and rehearsed. He deserved true answers, and maybe part of me wanted to be sure that you really did feel that we were destined. Sometimes it feels good to know that you truly feel for me the way I feel about you,” Avan replied with such heartfelt emotion it made me wish I were right beside him to throw my arms around his neck.
“Do you think he will be okay?” I asked with doubt in my trembling voice.
“He’ll be okay. He was wrong
about one thing, though. You were correct when you said that time heals all things. Right now, Dorian’s heart hurts. I know it is not the ideal situation to have to watch him mope around, but it takes a little more time for angels to get over things. Just be patient and you’ll see. Everything is going to be okay.”
“I sure hope you’re right.”
“I’m never wrong!” Avan added with a laugh.
CHAPTER 20
Driving in the rain was never a bother to me, but with so much running through my mind, I could barely concentrate on the road. In one afternoon I had gone from having a friend who was mad at me to having a friend that was secretly in love with me and a significant other bound by an Angel’s Promise who had known it long before me. I was in a complete and total state of confusion. All I could think about right now was how good a hot bath would feel with some bath salts, essential oils, candles, and soft music. I might not become okay with all of this today, but I could take some serious steps in the direction of relaxation inside the confines of my garden tub as soon as I walked in the door at home.
“I’m proud of you, Matalyn!” a voice said, startling me half to death!
Instantly I swerved across the line, marking the shoulder of the highway as I nearly panicked.
“Careful now, we wouldn’t want to do scratch the paint,” Natasha said from the passenger seat, where she had materialized from thin air.
“Where did you come from?” I asked, trying to calm my heart rate.
“I’m an angel, remember? I show up when I have information that you need to know.”
“Yeah, I got that part. I am just a little concerned with how you got into my car going seventy down the highway. You could at least give some kind of a warning signal or announcement of some kind before you do that when I’m in the process of operating a motor vehicle,” I scolded.
“I’m sorry about that. It’s just this couldn’t wait. Matalyn, you need to be very careful.”
“If you’re here to give me a verbal spanking over the ordeal that recently took place, please don’t. I’ve already heard it from six people, and trust me, I get it okay?”
“Yes and no. You are right that the situation was far less than ideal, but we have bigger problems now. Damron knows where you are now for sure. It was only a matter of time before he figured out you were still in the area, Mattie, but he is closing in now.”
“Yeah, I thought he would before too long, considering Lena probably told him all about the other night.”
“Don’t think it’s so simple, Mattie! Who do you think sent Lena to you? Damron’s had eyes on you for a while. Only now does he feel it is time to keep trying to make his move.”
“Right, but it didn’t work. Remember? Avan pretty much stomped his stupid little follower that he sent to do all his dirty work.”
“That is where the trouble lies, I’m afraid. You see, Mattie, Avan did what he had to do to protect you. With the permission he needed from the higher angels, Ian was sent to an eternity in hell with no chance of coming back to the earth. As a result, Damron is angrier now than he ever has been to this point.”
“After seeing how things turned out the last time he tried to get to me, I’m not worried. Besides, everyone has made me promise to be careful and communicate,” I reassured her.
“Oh, Matalyn, this is what I was afraid of. You are right that the angels you are around are truly amazing, but please don’t underestimate the enemy that lies just in the shadows.”
“Nice of you to give me such a vote of confidence. I know I am the screw-up angel, okay? This isn’t just fun and games for me despite what you might think, so if you don’t mind, I have other things on my mind right now.”
“Matalyn, you know I am only allowed to intervene when it is very important. You have to be extra careful. Please promise me you will be very cautious. By the way, I found this in the floor at the hotel room and had a feeling you might be missing it,” Natasha replied as my charm bracelet magically appeared dangling from my wrist.
“My bracelet! Wait, you were there?” I asked, perplexed.
“Only to see the aftermath of what happened.”
“You said earlier that you were proud of me. Why?” I couldn’t stop myself from wondering aloud.
“You stood true to your bond of the Angel’s Promise that you made to Avan.”
“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?”
“When you’re an angel in a world of humans, sometimes it is easy to feel conflicted the way they often do. When to people you care about are so genuine with their feelings, your vision can become clouded. Humans tend to break vows and promises when something else they feel strongly for is right in front of them rather than being faithful to what they have. Being raised as a human child and still being inside a human body, I can only imagine this was a million times harder for you,” Natasha explained.
“Oh, well, I guess when you put it that way it doesn’t sound so bad.”
“Listen, Mattie, I don’t know when we will see one another again, but I need you to be very careful in everything that you do. I know I have told you all of this before and am beginning to sound similar to a broken record, but I swear to you, the time of overcoming your enemies is close. Do not underestimate darkness!” Natasha warned.
“I thought good always overcame evil.”
“It’s true in most cases, but it is never an easy victory nor is it a small battle. Be careful, special angel,” Natasha said, and then she was gone.
The sky was dark and the highway was all but deserted with the exception of the occasional semi that sped past, its tires blowing water from the road all over my windshield, which impaired my vision. In turn, this caused me to step on the brakes, slowing down until I felt I could see the road clearly again. It was one of those evenings where I kept having to turn on the defrost to keep the windshield, windows, and mirrors from fogging up. The only problem with this was that I kept burning up. At first I tried my windshield wipers, quickly coming to the decision that they were worthless when the fog was on the inside of the glass.
I was trying to text Avan to let him know I was on my way. Even though we have the angel mind melt going on, it was nice to get a normal message once in a while. Against my better judgment when I dropped my cell phone in the floorboard my first instinct was to retrieve it. It was times like these I was thankful my car had cruise control even though my dad had always instructed me never to use that function when the streets were wet. Pushing the cruise control button to set my speed, I spotted my phone underneath the gas pedal. Easing my shoe under the pedal and slowly pulling the little black lump of black toward the car seat, I was trying to be careful to keep glancing at the highway in the process. I was also paranoid that I was swerving, so I kept checking my mirrors for flashing lights of any kind behind me.
I finally got the phone within my reach as I took a deep breath and bent down to grab it. It only took a second and a small swerve out of the lane, but sure as the world, when I raised back up, there were those dreaded blue and red lights in my rearview mirror. I slowly pulled to into the shoulder of the highway.
Going over the scenario in my mind the odds did not seem as though they would come out in my favor, no matter how I turned them. Next, I thought maybe if I could come up with a good excuse of why I was swerving in the road while driving, then perhaps I could make him feel sorry for me. I even considered flirting to get off the hook without a citation, but I was fairly certain that wouldn’t end up in my favor either.
Instead of coming up with schemes to evade the inevitable, I decided to sit back and await my fate. Soon I heard the tap on my window.
Rolling the window down, I looked up to see an officer in his late forties with a stern look on his face, which told me that he was not excited to have to get out of his car in this weather. His eyes were hard and he had permanent frown marks on his forehead from obviously being a discontented individual. “Evening, ma’am,” said the officer.
“Good e
vening.”
“Ma’am, do have your license and registration on you?”
“Yes sir, it’s in my glove compartment. May I get it out?”
“Do you have any concealed weapons kept in the glove compartment?” he asked with a gruff voice.
“No sir, just my insurance card,” I replied.
“Go ahead.”
I opened the glove compartment and retrieved my insurance card as well as my license out of my purse before handing them out the window to the officer.
“Are you, Matalyn Holland?”
“Yes sir, I am.”
“Ms. Holland, is the information on your license still correct as it shows you living at Angel Towers?” he questioned.
“Yes sir, everything is correct.”
“All right, sit tight. I’ll be right back. I gotta run your license.”
Once again the officer turned toward his car and his heavy footsteps clomped on the ground. I watched him open the door of his cruiser and slide into the driver’s seat, picking up his radio. Within a few minutes he got back out of his car and started clomping his big, black boots back down the pavement, bringing him back to my car door.
“Ms. Holland, do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer inquired just as gruffly as before.
“Yes sir. I believe I was swerving.”
“Yes ma’am, when you passed me at mile marker seventy-three, you were weaving all over the road.”
“Yes, I dropped my phone. I’m sorry; I just bent down to pick it up and swerved,” I tried to explain.
“Ms. Holland, have you had anything to drink this evening?” the officer asked as his eyes were busy trying to burn a hole through my head.
“No sir, I don’t drink at all.”
“Would you agree to take a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer?”
“Sure, I’ll do whatever I need to. I have nothing to hide, because I am not a drinker!”
Enigma Page 30