by Sue MacKay
Damn it, he should never have visited the White family in the first place. Should’ve gone to visit his mother instead. But he’d taken his mother out to lunch yesterday and had learned she was unwell with a summer cold. The rest-home nurses thought she’d be better tucked up in bed today without visitors. He’d wanted to argue but had given in to the idea of joining Harper’s family for the afternoon.
He ambled along behind Harper, drinking in the sight of her firm legs and gently swaying buttocks, wishing he’d followed through on that urge to kiss her, no matter the consequences.
He caught up with her when she paused to watch the inter-island ferry make its way between Pencarrow and Palmer Heads on its way to the South Island.
‘I can’t have children.’ She continued staring across the water to the boat. ‘But you probably already figured that out.’
He took her hand and began walking farther along the stony beach. ‘No, I hadn’t got to that answer yet.’ He’d deliberately stopped thinking about her reaction to her sister’s news the moment Jason had suggested he take her for a ride. He hadn’t wanted to dwell on what he doubted he’d learn the answer to—not today, anyway. Who’d have thought Harper would just out and tell him? ‘I can see why your sister’s news upset you.’
‘It shouldn’t. I’ve had loads of experience of dealing with being told one of my family’s having a baby, so I know how not to react.’ Her fingers tightened around his as she spoke, and Cody wondered if she even realised they were holding hands.
He should let go. He’d only taken her hand as a comfort gesture and to move her on along the beach, yet he did not want to pull away. The warmth from her palm against his, the softness of those fingers interlaced with his, was the most wonderful sensation he’d known in a long time. So ordinary and yet so thrilling. Damn but he was turning into a softie.
Harper was still talking, as though getting something off her chest. ‘I’m the godmother to every one of the brat pack.’ She flicked him a quick look and he knew she hadn’t finished.
But he also had something to say. ‘No surprise there,’ he told her before adding, ‘They adore you, if what I’ve seen so far is anything to go by.’
‘Chocolate and doing fun things will always get me that.’ She smiled softly. Bending down, she picked up a handful of sand and let it dribble through her fingers as they walked, while her other hand still firmly held his. ‘But being an aunt, even the best one out, doesn’t take the place of raising my own children. Having my own babies.’ Her sigh was so sad, Cody’s heart clenched. ‘I thought I had a chance to be a mum once, but the plans got changed.’
‘I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.’ He couldn’t. It was something he’d never considered, instead always believing that one day he’d have a family, teach his son to fish, or even his daughter, for that matter. But never to have his own child? Unimaginable. No wonder Harper had looked gutted when her sister had blurted out her news. No wonder Suzanne had been upset about how she’d spilled the beans. But then there’d have been no easy way to tell Harper.
‘I guess no one thinks about it unless faced with the fact. I certainly didn’t. Or maybe I was fooling myself, hiding from the truth. Coming from a largish family who all seem intent on doubling the world’s population, the idea I couldn’t contribute was implausible.’
He would’ve laughed at her attempt to lighten the mood but he was all out of laughs at the moment. This was something big, something that would’ve changed Harper’s life. He had this inexplicable urge to make her feel better, but there was no way he could do that. This went deep, was very personal. It was surprising that she’d even shared it with him. What would she do if he gave her a hug? It wouldn’t be quite like the hugs she got from her family. No way could he do platonic with this woman. Not any more, if he’d been able to at all. ‘Can I ask why you can’t have children?’
Her silence told him he’d gone too far. Fair enough. He’d known that the moment the words fell out, but she’d been so forthcoming up until now, he hadn’t stopped to consider how much he could ask. Now she’d be wanting to head back to Lowry Bay and telling him to carry on to the city alone.
He resumed walking, back in the direction of his bike.
‘I was born without a womb.’
Cody paused and turned slowly, so as not to make her suddenly change her mind about talking to him.
Harper sank to her haunches, scooped up more sand and watched it dribble back to the ground. ‘It wasn’t picked up until my teens. I mean, why would it be?’
He dropped down beside her and took her hand again. ‘Bloody hell, Harper. What were the odds, eh?’ His heart was pounding at the thought of what it must’ve been like for her to find out.
‘Higher than you’d think.’ She sat down and wound her arms around her legs, resting her chin on top of her knees. ‘I should remember that on days like today. I’m not the only one.’
‘But as the years have gone by it’s been harder to deal with?’
‘Yeah, something like that.’ She turned her head slightly so she could see his face.
His heart lurched at the sadness in her eyes. Hell, he’d seen almost every emotion in those beautiful eyes over the last couple of days. Even love, when she gazed at her nieces and nephews. This was one amazing woman, who gave of herself completely, even after all that had happened to her on Friday.
Without thinking, he reached for her, drew her close, wound his arms around her and lowered his mouth to hers. He kissed her slowly, as tenderly as possible, while his body was demanding, hard and hot. When she whimpered under his lips he deepened his kiss slowly. He wanted to dive right in, to taste her and hold her as close as possible, tight, but he held back, half-expecting a slap around the ears.
Until her hands began sliding up his chest to his head, her fingers pushing through his hair to massage his scalp. Then he knew this was right—for both of them. Come what may. Tomorrow they might regret it, today… Today he was living a dream, was kissing the woman who had him in turmoil all the time.
Her mouth opened under his and he slid his tongue across into her hot cavern and tasted her. His heart stuttered. Raw, hot need clawed through his gut and headed downward to where he expressed his need so effortlessly. Easy, boy, easy. Even in his fogged-up brain he knew acting on that impulse would be going too far. For now, he had to be happy with this sizzling kiss. And, hell, was Harper sizzling. What a woman. He melted in against her, held her tighter and kissed her until they both ran out of air.
Harper finally drew back, taking those lips just out of reach. Her breasts rose and fell too quickly. A delectable shade coloured her cheeks and her eyes were shining. ‘Wow,’ she whispered, running her finger over her top lip. ‘Wow.’
That was one word for what had just passed between them. ‘Hot’ and ‘intense’ were two more. ‘Unbelievable’ would be another.
And downright disturbing.
Where did they go from here? ‘Bed’ was the first word to pop into his skull. But, despite everything, he still knew that wasn’t happening today. There’d be repercussions, possibly insurmountable, if they stripped down naked and had their way with each other. He wanted Harper with every fibre of his body. He suspected she felt the same. But there was a wariness creeping into the stunned look in her eyes which told him to put the brakes on. His libido was going nowhere right now.
Pulling back so her eyes met his, she stared into him, deeply, right in. Looking for…? He had no idea; he only hoped he measured up to her expectations.
Then her mouth opened and the question tripped out, low and filled with despair. ‘Do you want children of your own one day?’
Now, there was a loaded question. If he said no, he’d be lying; if he said yes, whatever was unfolding between them would be gone in a flash.
He wouldn’t lie. ‘Yes. I do.’ He pulled back and tossed a pebble down the beach to splash in the water. ‘Not that it’s likely to ever happen,’ he added quietly.
; To have a family, he’d have to risk his heart again. He’d have to believe he could protect her no matter what turned up. He wasn’t ready to trust himself with someone yet.
CHAPTER FIVE
JASON SPRAWLED OVER the chair beside Harper, stretched out his legs in front, scratched his chest and yawned.
‘Very attractive,’ Harper drawled. ‘No wonder Gemma calls you one of the brat pack.’
‘She loves me as I am.’ His mouth softened into a gentle smile as his eyes searched out his wife amongst all the kids hanging around the barbecue, where Cody was doing as he was told and cooking a mound of sausages and chops. Between Gemma and the kids, their new friend wasn’t getting any free time to do as he pleased.
Harper pressed her lips—her well-kissed and still tender lips—together. Thank goodness. Somehow Cody voicing what had been no surprise about wanting a family was hard to swallow. There was no reason why she should care one way or the other, but his simple, ‘Yes,’ had provoked a tide of longing and sadness to overwhelm her. Coming after that bone-melting, knee-shaking kiss, she’d been lost, completely unable to compute everything and make sense of it all.
That kiss had blitzed her brain. Being held in those strong arms had given her a sense of belonging she didn’t think she’d ever known before. She’d loved Darren with all her being, or so she’d thought. But not one kiss with him had given her the deep yearning for more that Cody’s had. Or was that just because enough time had passed to forget things she and Darren had shared? But Cody’s kiss had been unbelievable. Shattering. Life-changing. If she let it be. Which she couldn’t. In the end, everything came back to her inability to have children. Even if Cody accepted that and went with whatever was unfolding between them she knew even the sincerest of promises could, and most likely would, be broken. She wasn’t up to withstanding that a second time. Hell, she couldn’t ask a man to give up his dreams for her. Not again. She’d learned it was too much to ask of any one.
There was no denying Cody’s honesty. He must’ve known it would hurt her, and yet he’d still gone with the truth. She admired him for that. But in the end she’d demanded to be brought back here in the hope that being surrounded by her family could put some perspective on what had really only been a kiss. One hell of a kiss. It’d been hard not to ask him to drop her off and head away so she didn’t have to see him and confront what was really getting her knickers in a knot—the fact she was becoming increasingly attracted to him. Unfortunately, the kids had had other ideas, namely their promised rides on the back of his motorbike, and he was still here after obliging them.
‘He’s got you in a right old twist,’ Jason drawled.
Harper slapped her head. They’d been talking about Gemma. Nothing to do with Cody. Yet her very astute brother knew where she’d gone in her mind. To bring things back on track, and away from what felt like dangerous ground, she said, ‘Gemma needs her head read, the way she puts up with you despite all your bad habits.’
What was it like to feel so safe with another person’s love that you could act completely naturally all the time? To feel safe enough to be able to relax about everything? She’d thought she had that with Darren until he’d dropped his verbal grenade. Apparently he hadn’t loved her more than anything or anyone, or enough to accept they wouldn’t have children. He had accepted that. Only not in the way she’d believed. They wouldn’t have children, but he would—with another woman.
One day as she’d strolled along Auckland’s Mission Bay, trying yet again to make up her mind about what to do with her life now that she was separated from her husband, Harper had seen the dark-haired woman he’d left her for sitting and drinking coffee with girlfriends. At least, she’d presumed it was coffee. What she’d been absolutely certain about was the very mature baby bump that had said clearer than words that Darren had been with this woman before he’d left his wife. That scene had torn her apart, underscored the truth—there would be no reconciliation, no matter that she might forgive him if he came begging.
It had also added a final layer of protection around her heart. She would never, ever, put her heart on the line again. It would be her own fault if she fell for a man and then had to go through another break-up. She’d finally come to accept she had no right ask a man to give up his dreams of having a family.
‘He’s an all-right guy.’ When Jason spoke so casually, he was usually hiding something.
He had a name. ‘Define “all right”.’
‘I don’t think I need to. You seem taken with him.’
Harper studied the man who’d been bugging the hell out of her head all weekend. Good-looking: tick. Kind: tick. Great with kids: tick. So what? Sexy, intriguing and annoying with his confidence: tick, tick, tick. ‘I work with him. I like him. He was incredible in ED on Friday, so calm and constantly alert to the possibility of taking the creep down. Do I want to get to know him better?’ Yes. No. ‘I don’t know.’ She answered her own question honestly. ‘But I do know I’m not going to.’
Just then Cody looked across the lawn directly at her and winked. Her mouth tipped up into a big smile. Warmth filled her. Yeah, she could get used to a man like Cody. And those kisses. But she wasn’t going to, she repeated to herself. He wanted children.
‘Sis, stop beating yourself up. It’s wearing for you, and for all of us. Life threw you a hard ball, but we all get those.’
She gasped. Jason never talked to her like this. He was the fun brother, the easy sop who loved everyone and didn’t want to stir up emotions. ‘Says the man with three boys to adore.’
‘You have seven nieces and nephews who love you as much as their parents and who spend a lot of time with you. You don’t get the sleepless nights, or the arguments about what’s for dinner, just the fun times. Yes, there’s another on the way. Suzanne and Steve are ecstatic. You can’t avoid that and, face it, you won’t want to.’
Another black mark to erase. She didn’t used to be so selfish, had always been thrilled every time one of her sisters-in-law had announced they were pregnant. But Suzanne’s words had thrown her. Her baby sister was joining the parent club and she’d felt more left out than ever. ‘I reacted badly.’
‘You did.’ Jason sipped his beer. ‘Be grateful for what you’ve got and stop dwelling on what you can’t have.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ she snapped as guilt and disappointment warred in her head. She hated that Jason thought her ungrateful, but he should try a little harder to understand.
‘Remember that career I always wanted as a lawyer with our foreign service?’ he said suddenly.
‘The one you were determined to get even when you were still in nappies?’
‘Yes, that one. I was offered a position with Foreign Affairs last year.’ He stared across the lawn at his wife and children. ‘I turned it down because my family mean too much to me. I couldn’t bear to take them out of their home and schools and away from their friends for the sake of my own desires.’
‘They’d have a wonderful life living in different countries.’
‘They’d have had to make new friends every few years as we moved from country to country, probably have to go to boarding school for high-school education. I couldn’t do that to Gemma. I couldn’t live without my kids with me either.’
Harper looked sideways at her brother. ‘You never told me.’
‘You were working your butt off in Auckland, trying to get beyond Darren and his broken promises, trying to decide what to do next. You didn’t need my disappointment as well.’
‘But I’m your sister. We share everything.’ But guilt came fast. She had been withdrawn and selfish during that time. Who knew what she might’ve said to Jason if she’d known what he’d been going through? Harper laid her hand over his. ‘I’m sorry. I know how much you’ve always wanted a career with Foreign Affairs.’ She sat quietly for a few minutes, absorbing this new information. ‘How did Gemma feel about you taking the job?’
‘She backed me either way—said it wa
s important that I was happy. She was more than content to pack up house and shift to Toronto, our first posting, if that’s what I wanted. But I knew it wasn’t what she wanted, that she was afraid to move away from where she felt safe.’
Gemma had grown up in a welfare home. Her family and home were the most important things in her life—had made her feel grounded for the first time ever. Yet she was big-hearted enough to go anywhere with Jason no matter what the cost to her.
Harper sighed. ‘You’re a lucky man, Jason White. I understand you’ve missed your opportunity in a career you always dreamed about, but you’ve got a wonderful wife and family, and your current position as head legal advisor to the fishing industry is nothing to be sneezed at.’ She was very proud of him. As she was of Noah and Suzanne.
‘Exactly. I’ve lost one dream, but I’ve got so much more. As you have, if only you’d let go of the impossible dream and see what you’ve already got. Stop trying to change what you can’t, and get on with finding the life you want, sis.’ Jason stood up and looked down at her. ‘You’re smitten with Cody. We can all see it. Do something about it. Don’t waste an opportunity for happiness.’
Harper stared at him as he headed towards the cheerful gathering around the barbecue. What did he know? That bit about not getting everything you wanted was all very well, but wanting a family was inherent in her. Growing up with loving parents who’d also doted on each other had taught her how important a strong, trusting relationship was. Not to mention having brothers and a sister, one of whom she could happily beat around the head right now. Jason didn’t know what he was talking about.
And now her headache was back, banging inside her skull, adding to her annoyance with the world. With her brother. With Cody.
But she had an apology to make. Where had Suzanne got to?
*
‘Right, who’s next?’ At the ED counter Harper picked up the top patient file. Monday mornings weren’t usually as frantic as this one had turned out to be. Probably a good thing, as it kept her mind off gun-toting strangers. And Hottie in scrubs. Scrubs would never be as bland and boring again. Cody certainly filled his out a treat. Flapping the file in front of her face, she tried not to grin when Karin laughed. ‘It would be rude not to notice.’