by Regina Darcy
Tears began to run down her cheeks before she reached the library. Dashing them away with the back of her hand, she felt more form on her lashes and fall, quickly, onto her cheeks. Quickening her steps, she turned the door handle and hurried into the library, closing the door behind her and then resting against it, as though to prevent anyone from following her.
“I am to be the spinster, it seems.”
The words burned her mouth as she spoke them, leaving her with an acrid taste. It was the truth and a truth she would have to accept but still, even speaking those words aloud brought rifling pain and torment. She had never wanted to be thus. She had never wanted to become the spinster sister, forced to rely upon her father and, thereafter, the kindness of one or both of her sisters. Most likely, she would end up as the maiden aunt, finding a modicum of happiness in assisting in the care of her nieces and nephews instead of being able to have her own marriage and children. It was not to be something she could ever have for herself. Three years of trying had taught her that.
Theodora, her elder sister, had made a wonderful match with the Duke of Sotheby. That had been a little over three years now and, ever since that day, Theodora had done all she could to help her sisters find matches of their own. Beatrice, it seemed, had done so very easily, after only one Season. Caroline, on the other hand, had failed utterly.
Closing her eyes, Caroline swallowed the ache in her throat and tried to steady her breathing. There was no need to cry over her troubles, not when she knew that the best thing to do was simply to accept them. She was not blessed with the gift of conversation as her sisters had been. Nor did she have any such confidence, for whilst Theodora and Beatrice were able to enter a room and smile contentedly at everyone who looked their way, Caroline always felt her cheeks infuse with colour, shrinking away from the attention instead of simply accepting it. Her first Season had not gone particularly well and, after the second Season had gone the same way as the first, she had begged Theodora not to buy her any more fine dresses or force her to attend various balls and soirees. It was not worth it, as far as Caroline was concerned and Theodora had already been more than generous in her attempts to secure Caroline a match.
Theodora, who had spared no expense on Caroline, had insisted on one more Season but had also introduced Beatrice to society. Only a few months into the summer Season and Beatrice was now engaged, whilst she lingered on, alone and broken-hearted.
Sniffing, Caroline pulled out her lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes. She could not allow herself to be overcome now. It was time to accept the truth of the matter. She would not have the same happiness as her sisters. Therefore, she would have to find her own path.
“Caroline?”
The door to the library opened and a familiar voice filled the room. Caroline hurriedly pushed her lace handkerchief away, turning towards Theodora as she entered the room.
“You have arrived a little early,” she said, her voice filled with false brightness. “I already said to Father that I would wait for you and yet –”
“Papa said that you had something to do, which I knew meant that I would find you in the library,” Theodora interrupted, coming closer to Caroline and reaching out to hold her tightly for a moment. “Whatever is the matter, Caro?” She let Caroline go and stepped back, only to look deeply into her eyes. “Come now, you must tell me the truth. Do not hide it from me, not when I know that there is a heavy burden upon your heart.”
Caroline tried to shake her head, tried to state that she was quite all right, only for fresh tears to burn in her eyes as she swallowed, hard.
“You are lonely,” Theodora said, slowly, reaching out to grasp Caroline’s hand. “I can well understand that. You fear that with Beatrice gone and only our youngest sister as company, you shall find the house empty and lonesome.” She gave Caroline an encouraging smile. “Indeed, it need not be so. You can consider the rest of the Season to be your own. Put all of your energies into the balls and soirees you attend. Who knows?” A bright smile lit Theodora’s expression. “You may find yourself engaged by Season’s end!”
“Pray, do not!” Caroline could not help but tug her hands from her sister’s and turn away, her pain mounting steadily. “I am well aware of my failings, Theodora, and put it to you now that I shall try no longer.”
Hearing Theodora’s sharp intake of breath, Caroline turned back to face her elder sister, spreading her hands hopelessly. “I do not know what it is that you think I can do, Theodora. You know very well that whenever I am spoken to by an eligible gentleman, my voice fails me and my words run dry.” Embarrassment climbed through her and she looked away. “It has been my burden and even though I have attempted to turn from it, to behave as others do, I have never found the strength to do so.”
“But that does not mean that you give up entirely,” Theodora protested, looking gravely concerned. “Surely it must mean, therefore, that you continue attempting to change things, although perhaps in a different way.”
Caroline shook her head, hopelessness filling her. “No, I think not,” she stated, quietly, feeling tears burning in her eyes again but refusing to let a single one fall. “I have already decided that I shall find a new situation elsewhere.”
Silence flooded the room for a few minutes but Caroline did not lift her head. She did not want to see the disappointment on her sister’s face.
“Surely you cannot mean that, Caroline,” Theodora whispered, as though she could not believe that Caroline was being entirely serious. “To be a companion is to ─”
“I shall be giving up my attempts to find a suitable match, yes,” Caroline interrupted, waving a hand as though it did not carry with it any particular weight. “But I have made up my mind, Theodora.” So saying, she lifted her head and fixed Theodora with her gaze, her shoulders stiff. “If you have any way to aid me in this matter, then you will find me exceedingly grateful.”
Theodora’s expression grew pained as she sighed, clearly aware that Caroline was not about to be moved.
“I shall do what I can,” she said, shaking her head sadly. “But only if you are quite sure that this is what you wish, Caroline. If you prefer, I can give you some time to consider it?”
Caroline shook her head decisively, aware of the pain slicing through her as she did so but steeling herself against it. “I am quite determined,” she said, firmly. “It is to be my path, it seems. Thank you, Theodora.”
Theodora did not appear to be happy about this request in any way, for her brows were furrowed and her expression crestfallen. Caroline held her head high, however, her heart beating painfully in her chest as she continued to ignore the truth of how she felt.
“We should return to father and to Beatrice,” she stated, changing the subject entirely. “Shall we? And would you care for some tea? Beatrice is quite worn out with it all but she may be encouraged to have a small cup.”
Theodora came after her but said very little other than to accept Caroline’s offer of ringing for tea. She looped her arm through Caroline’s as they walked the length of the hallway and it was all Caroline could do to keep her composure.
But her mind remained steady, her decision fixed. She would no longer pursue a husband for herself. Instead, she would become a companion to whomever Theodora was able to find for her – and, in some way, she would have to find joy in that.
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