by R. H. Dixon
EMERGENCE
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R. H. DIXON
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_www.rhdixon.com
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Copyright © 2016 R. H. Dixon
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For Derek, Marvin & Delilah
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‘Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.’ Friedrich Nietzsche_
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1
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As he adjusted the black tie around his neck, John’s throat felt closed and his fingers stiff. He pulled at the knot and looked at his reflection. The face staring back didn’t seem familiar; it was lost within the dark surface that looked like a film of crude oil on top of still water. He was trapped behind a slick veil where there wasn’t much clarity and he didn’t feel real.
The blue-green pigmentation of his eyes appeared greyscale, lifeless and devoid of optimism, as if the cheerful colour had been washed out with every tear issued from the bottomless well of grief within himself. And yet the glossy sheen of the black coffin lid showed up the dark crescents beneath his eyes well, betraying his secret of sleepless, wine-guzzling nights. His skin had a sickly pallor. He doubted he’d ever look or feel normal again.
Black shadows pirouetted around him in the funeral parlour’s chapel of rest and the ceiling spotlight was caught next to his own reflection like a snared seraphim, peeking over his shoulder. He watched as his own hand reached out, shaking, moving in slow motion. There was no sound as he inched the lid open, increasing the unnerving silence of the room. And it was this silence, this cold, massive nothingness, that was worse than the coffin itself. The sheer lack of noise filled his head with the harsh intensity of neuralgia, numbing his face and further serving to displace his sense of identity, making him subconsciously question his capability to carry on, his want to continue.
He knew that once the coffin and all it was taking with it had disappeared behind burgundy velvet curtains this same unbearable level of quietude would return. Awkward conversations at the wake would follow, where nobody would know what to say to him because death offers no true opportunity for consolation, no words to sugar-coat the finality of a shortened life or, indeed, make allowances for genuine predictions of happier times ahead. Once all of the fish paste vol-au-vents and corned beef slices had been eaten and everyone had sloped off to resume the mostly undisturbed routines of their own lives, that’s when John knew the silence of oblivion would latch onto him with firm resolve and follow him home. To linger whenever he took a bath or tried to read the newspaper, whenever he cooked a meal or washed the dishes. And despite all his best efforts to drown this soundlessness out with the noise of the television or radio, it would remain ever present until he learned how to blot it out with a new routine, a new life established after the fallout from his old life had settled like cold ashes around his feet.
He couldn’t even begin to imagine when that day might be. And he couldn’t understand his own contribution to the quietness of the chapel of rest right now. His sense of mourning felt like it should have a sound all of its own. A weighty, palpable thing that he expected might be able to exist outside of his body, to be heard like the lonely cry of an orca in the deep dark. Lost. Alas, the unpredictability of grief surrendered him to horrific silence.
His head buzzed with thick nothingness and his chest ached with a feeling of complete ineptitude. The coffin lid was fully open and there inside, lying on a bed of silver satin, was Amy. His wife. Her ash blonde hair was neatly styled and she would have looked angel-serene had it not been for the absurdity of her makeup. Her cheeks were displaying more rouge than she’d have put on herself and her lips, also, were too red for the occasion. There was a time when the shade would have denoted passion, frivolity and playfulness, but in the wake of tragedy and the onset of misery it looked abhorrently wrong. The crudeness of it all made her look like a life-sized doll that a little girl – their little girl – had been playing dress-up with, and there was a waxy, unreal quality to Amy’s skin that suggested she’d never been alive – a denial that the little girl had ever been a part of her.
Amy was wearing her favourite blue dress, the one she’d worn on the evening of their wedding. To John, the soft billowy material retained no evidence of the happy moments of laughter, kissing and slow dancing. Now it was a dress that signified loss, heartache and end.
The mortician’s arrangement of his wife’s body – left hand laid across her stomach, right one on top, elbows tucked down by her sides – reminded John of the way she’d often held herself when she was pregnant. Three years ago. Caressing her belly and protectively holding it. Now, sadly, the child she’d given birth to wouldn’t get to play with her makeup or enjoy motherly embraces. Except, perhaps, in dreams.
Deep down in the depths of John’s waking awareness he knew this was a dream, a crassly embellished re-enactment of one of the worst days of his life. He knew how it would pan out as well, because it was the same rendition each time. Still, he reached out and touched the back of Amy’s hand. And, still, his breath caught. She was cold and unwelcoming. No warmth or softness left in her pianist’s fingers. The slender, ivory digits which had stroked his skin and sought his affection during the best days of his life were nothing more than white corpse fingers.
His own fingers became tense and he flattened his palm against the back of her hand in an attempt to warm it. Death had taken her from him much too soon, but when she failed to react to the warmth of his touch he knew it had no plan to give her back. There was no hope her passing had been a case of mistaken identity that could be rectified and he knew he could win this fight of fate no more than she could. Not even for just one night, because his own subconscious was rallying against him, denying him any solace from the possible oblivion of sleep-induced fantasy. His most sadistic inner-self was determined to relive this day over and over. Again and again. With no deviation from the well-rehearsed script his subconscious had created.
Tears welled up in his already raw and puffy eyes. He wished for the umpteenth time it could be the other way round – he wished it was him lying in the coffin and that Amy was standing where he was, alive. He gripped her hand tight, afraid to let go, and told her through wet lips that he loved her. He hoped this time the dream would be different, that the story might change and she’d wake up and embrace him. But as he looked upon her face again he saw that it was the usual nightmare: her expression not quite right. A wry smile had crept to her plastic-red lips. A sneering smirk.
Recoiling, he snatched his hand away and watched as her eyes blinked open.
She looked at him, cold blue.
Her shiny mouth parted.
And with all the wispy coarseness of coal-dust she said, ‘John, it’s just you now.’_
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2
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John awoke, sweat-drenched. The bedroom window was cracked open but there was no air circulating, just the balmy stagnancy of summer clinging to his bare skin. There was a constant sizzle of rain outside and the threat of thunder hung in the air. Water coursed down the drainpipe at the side of the house, lashing out onto the gravelled garden below like a drunk relieving his bladder. At the insistence of the sound John felt an instinctive need to pee, and with this urge came a heightened sense of alertness that broke through the remnants of his troubled sleep. His mouth was parched and his teeth felt fuzzy against his tongue. Clamping a hand to his clammy forehead, he groaned and rolled over onto his side.
The glowing red numbers of the digital alarm clock on the bedside table showed it was three a.m. (half an hour later than he’d awoken the previous morning, twenty minutes earlier than the one before that). He pushed the damp sheets away and swung
his feet to the floor, patting the carpet roundabout with his right foot, trying to locate his slippers. As he did so he became aware of the distant whirring of an engine somewhere outside. It grew louder and more distinct over the continuous hiss of rain till eventually a car sailed past the house, the road’s surface water spraying noisily beneath its tyres as it glided by. The engine sound then receded to a faraway hum again and John thought the driver of the car might as well be on a different planet. Other people seemed to go about their business as though there was nothing wrong with the world while he merely existed in a long-term state of grief-induced zombification. He felt disconnected from everyone else.
When his big toe hooked the edge of a slipper he pulled it closer, and a small voice behind him said, ‘Dad?’
John started, his whole body becoming tense. ‘Christ, Seren, you’re like creeping bloody Jesus!’
His daughter was standing just outside the open doorway watching him, the lenses of her purple thick-rimmed glasses spellbound ink-black by the night’s gloomy hues. She was clutching Geller, a large plush triceratops, beneath her left arm, and the first four buttons of her pyjama jacket were undone. Her blonde hair was a disarrayed halo against the artificial light that shone in through the landing window. It looked like she was putting in a hard night as well.
‘I can’t sleep,’ she said, her voice hushed and dream-like in the pre-dawn murk.
‘Why not, kidda?’ John stood up and reached for his fleecy bathrobe, which was a heaped black mound on the floor by the bed.
‘The rain.’ Seren looked to the curtainless window of the landing, her expression strangely solemn. ‘I don’t like it.’
John finished securing the robe’s belt around his waist and rubbed his face with both hands before going to her. ‘Since when?’
She shrugged.
‘Don’t you feel all snuggly knowing that you and Geller are tucked up in bed safe and dry?’
She contemplated this for a moment then shook her head. ‘Rain means someone in the sky has lost their way, they can’t get to where they need to go so they’re crying.’
‘People don’t get lost in the sky, kidda.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I just do.’ John reached out to smooth her hair with his fingers, sighing inwardly as he did. A sourness lay heavy in his stomach, creating an acrid taste in his mouth, and there was a dull throbbing at his temples, no doubt working up to a full-scale headache. This was a conversation he didn’t feel like having right now. He had a busy schedule later that morning – teleconferences to attend, meetings to set up, reports to write – so his own bad dreams teamed with his daughter’s middle-of-the-night randomness were not things he wanted to be dealing with.
‘Come on,’ he said, taking hold of her upper arm and guiding her towards her own room. ‘Back to bed with you, you’ve got school tomorrow. Nobody’s crying and nobody’s lost, okay? The rain comes from the clouds, that’s all.’
She fixed him with wide eyes, the kind reserved for invoking pity. ‘Can I sleep with you?’
John shook his head, resolving not to give in to any guilt-inducing acts of piteousness. If he let her sleep in his bed tonight she’d expect it every other night. He ushered her back into her own room. ‘Nice try, kidda, but no.’
Seren’s bedroom was bound in greyness. Blackout curtains at the window barred any light from entering and the streetlight glow from the landing was weak beyond the open doorway. Clustered silhouettes of toys and furniture made the room feel smaller than it was. John switched on the nightlight, on top of the bedside table, swathing the room in a soft, dreamy radiance. He sat down on the single bed and patted the dinosaur-print duvet, motioning for Seren to climb back under it, which she did without argument. Once she was lying down, her blonde hair contrasted with the red and green pillowcase and she watched him with steely blue eyes that were tired but ever alert.
‘No more gloomy thoughts, okay?’ John said.
‘Okay.’
He leant over and kissed her on the forehead. ‘Do you want me to leave the light on?’
Seren shook her head.
‘Sure?’
‘I was sad, not scared.’ She wrapped an arm around Geller, her eyes still imploring.
‘Alright.’ John stood up. Not prone to unnecessary pandering, he was sure she’d fall asleep again. ‘Night night then, trouble.’ He turned, stooping to switch off the nightlight.
‘Dad?’
With his finger poised at the base of the lamp, John looked round. ‘Yeah?’
‘What’s a bellend?’
Unsure if he’d heard correctly, he found no words with which to reply. He stood there gaping, while her expression remained neutral to his quiet, but surely all-too-obvious, shock. Was this some deliberate challenge? A new ruse, he wondered, to see how far she could push him? When he didn’t respond, she explained, ‘Yesterday Harry Dalton said that Mr Crampton, our head of year, is a bellend. What does it mean?’
As much as he was inclined to agree with Harry Dalton, John made a stern face. ‘And where did Harry Dalton hear that word?’
‘His big brother. He says most teachers are bellends.’
John puffed his cheeks and exhaled wearily. ‘Sounds to me like Harry Dalton’s big brother has been making up silly words.’
Seren looked almost disappointed. ‘So Mr Crampton isn’t a bellend?’
‘No! And don’t ever let me hear you say so.’
‘But Harry Dalton says…’
‘Harry Dalton and his big brother can say whatever they bloody well like, but I don’t want you using that word again, young lady, you hear me? In fact, if I catch you saying it again you’re in seriously big trouble.’
Seren nodded sheepishly, her cherubim mouth downturned, but John caught a gleam in her eyes that was too deliberate not to be founded upon mischief. ‘Now go to sleep,’ he said, snapping the nightlight off.
When he got to the door she called out to him again. He leant against the jamb, his back to her, and sighed. ‘Seren, it’s late.’
Ignoring his complaint, she asked, ‘Do you think Mam misses us?’
John was quiet for a moment, his face falling into a frown. He looked back towards the silhouette of the single bed and was unable to see his daughter amongst the moleskin shadows. ‘Of course she does,’ he said. ‘Why would you even think otherwise?’
‘Because Petey Moon says she never visits us so she mustn’t care.’
‘Well Petey Moon obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about, does he?’
Petey Moon was Seren’s imaginary friend. A nine-year-old boy with red hair and skinny legs. John had never had imaginary friends during his own childhood, so at first when Seren had relayed imagined conversations with Petey Moon to him he’d been concerned about his daughter’s development, or lack thereof. But after extensive online research he’d discovered that actually it was fairly common for kids to have make-believe sidekicks, creative even. So the fact Seren spoke about Petey Moon as though he was a real boy didn’t necessarily mean she was neurotic or schizophrenic. As far as John could tell it was nothing more than a phase she’d eventually grow out of. The sooner the better.
‘Wherever your mam is now I guarantee she misses you with all her heart,’ John reaffirmed. ‘So you can tell Petey Moon to put that in his pipe and smoke it. Now go to sleep, it’s late.’
He didn’t hang around waiting for a reply. He shut the door behind him and made his way to the bathroom, by now desperate to relieve his aching bladder. Standing in front of the toilet he thought about his late wife. What Seren had said was true. Amy had never visited them. Not once. No whispery voice blowing in through an open window, telling them how much she missed them. No misplaced ornaments or flickering lights to let them know she was near. No invisible arms to hold him at night, to reassure him he wasn’t alone. Just shitty nightmares that weren’t even a good representation of how she’d been.
What if she was lost, frantic and alone in
the starlit vastness of the sky?
John shook his head. Amy would find her way home blindfolded and in the dark, he was sure of it. He remembered the time she’d navigated through central London at the height of rush hour. One-way systems and other road users had tested his patience to the point of wild frustration, but she’d remained calm throughout, directing them to the A1 northbound with her good sense of direction and skilful, old-fashioned map reading. So, no, he refused to believe that Amy Leigh Gimmerick might be lost on some celestial highway in the sky. She had an inbuilt homing device. And if not for him, she’d definitely come home for Seren. If there was a way.
After flushing the loo John washed his hands and looked at himself long and hard in the vanity mirror above the basin. His face looked pinched, his skin too pale like it needed a good dose of vitamin D. And it was this sickly pallor that made him look older than he should. His light blue eyes, striking in vibrancy, had once served as his most powerful pick-up tool, but now they lacked a certain appeal. Surrounded by bloodshot whites they made him look more like a vampire who was on the turn than the approachable heartthrob of his former glory. Dark patches plagued the pouchy areas beneath his eyes and his hair was an unruly mop of darkest brown in dire need of a cut.
You look like shit, mate.
In the first few months after Amy had passed away, simple tasks like brushing his hair and cleaning his teeth had become beautifying rituals that John no longer felt inclined to perform. Personal grooming just hadn’t seemed important anymore. Three years on and he was coping with the basics well enough, but the tormented look in his eyes was always there – sleep or no sleep – and more often than not he sported stubble that was auburn in colour and bordering on scruffy-looking.
This didn’t, however, mean he was a complete lost cause. Over the last twelve months he’d been out on a handful of dates. Albeit nothing more consequential than awkward, guilt-inducing sex had ever transpired from these encounters. He still wasn’t ready for anything too emotionally engaging and couldn’t be sure he ever would be. Not while Amy clung to his thoughts to such an all-encompassing degree. All he could do was take things one day at a time.