by Jessica Marx
I remember wishing I could skip college and go live happily ever after with Shane somewhere - but that was not reality. We had our whole lives to be together. He wanted to open his own body shop one day so he needed to go to trade school and take some business classes. At least that was his plan.
I had no idea what I wanted to do. My parents saved all their money for our college educations. Not going to college is not an option in the Kaminsky house. I didn’t have a choice.
It was almost two years after we had started dating when everything changed. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the night, life as I knew it, life as I imagined it would be, would never be the same.
“Can you two cut it out?” Mom scolds Shane and I at the dinner table.
“What?” I ask innocently. Shane’s hand is on my thigh under the table. Maybe mom really does have eyes in the back of her head - or x-ray vision or something.
“You’re lucky it’s just the four of us tonight.”
She shakes her head. Dad’s on duty tonight and Tommy has a late class. It’s just me, mom, Shane, and Abby for dinner.
We eat and talk. Shane keeps nudging me under the table. Abby laughs every time. I think she’s always had a thing for Shane. Must be something in our blood.
We clear the table and Shane washes up. He has to leave. He’s working his valet job tonight. It’s at a swanky club a couple of towns over. He loves it because he makes a lot of money there and gets to drive a lot of ‘sweet cars’.
I walk with him outside to his car. I lean back against the driver door and we make out for a few minutes before he has to leave. I love the way he kisses me. It never gets old. He does this thing where he sucks on my bottom lip. It makes me melt every time.
“Love you,” he says from the diver seat.
I lean over and steal one last kiss through the window.
“Love you too. Be careful.”
“Okay, mom,” he teases me.
And that was the last time I saw Shane.
I spent the next day calling Shane’s phone, but it went straight to voicemail. I assumed he just worked really late and passed out. It wouldn’t have been the first time. The club he was working at is open until four in the morning. When the sun started to go down though, I began to really get worried.
My mother kept trying to reassure me but I could tell she was getting pretty concerned herself. My father had come home in the morning and gone to sleep but she promised as soon as he woke up, he would check on Shane.
By late afternoon I was pacing the floor of our living room. I wanted to just go over to his place, but my dad would be up any minute so I chose to wait for him. By then, Abby had found out and was pacing along with me. Call it women’s intuition, but we knew something was wrong.
As soon as my father walked out of the bedroom, he could tell something was up with us. Big Dan wasn’t much for words, but seeing his wife and daughters so upset prompted his protective instinct.
“What’s wrong?”
“Hopefully nothing. Shane isn’t answering his phone and Beth hasn’t seen or heard from him since last night,” mom explains. I can tell by her tone that she’s clearly concerned now too.
“He’s okay.”
“How do you know?” I ask, almost yelling.
“I just know. Why don’t we have some dinner?”
Dad is trying to get our minds off of Shane like it’s nothing. Is he kidding?
“Dad! This is serious. You know we’ve never gone this long without talking. I’m worried something happened to him.” Tears are welled in my eyes. I’m more upset now that my father is here pretending I have nothing to be worried about.
“I saw him, he’s fine.” Dismissed - just like that.
Even Abby is crying now. What’s going on? Why is dad being so weird?
“Dan. We’re all a little on edge. Can you elaborate, please?”
“I ran into Shane while I was on my way home this morning. All you need to know is that he is okay - but he won’t be coming around anymore. He won’t be calling either. As far as this family is concerned, Shane Andrews no longer exists.”
“Dan,” my mother begged, eyes full of tears.
“Enough, Mo. He isn’t the nice boy you think he is and he is not welcome here anymore.”
The three of us are now crying and my father is just standing there stoic and solid. Normally, when Big Dan lays down the law, you don’t question it. But this isn’t normal. He’s lost his mind.
“Dad!” I yell. Probably the first time I’ve ever raised my voice to my father, “I love Shane. We all do. You can’t just cut him out of our lives.”
“Like hell I can’t, Beth.”
“I’m going over there. You can’t stop me. Throw me out too if you want, but I’m not just going to forget about Shane - none of us are.”
“You can go there if you want, but he won’t be there. Here’s a little fact you might want to know too. I offered Shane money to leave after I saw what he did - and he took it. The boy you’re so in love with just traded you in for some quick cash.”
Dad turns to leave the room. I’m frozen where I stand. He’s lying - I know he is.
“Shane loves me. He would never do that. We were going to get married one day.”
“He did do it, Beth. You’re a child. You don’t know what love is and marrying someone like that would ruin your life.”
“You don’t know that!” I shout, “You’re a liar! What could he have done that was so bad you would cut him out of our lives?”
Abby and my mother are holding hands and crying. They’re upset and afraid. You don’t cross Big Dan. No one yells in my house. Not until now.
“It doesn’t matter. You’ll thank me one day, trust me.”
“I don’t trust you at all. I hate you.”
I run up to my room and slam the door. He doesn’t come after me. If he has any heart at all, he will go find Shane and bring him back.
That never happened though. I cried the rest of the night and most of the next few days. I think I did anyway but it could have been even longer. I was completely devastated.
Tommy was also disheartened. I don’t blame him. He loved Shane almost as much as I did. Shane had sent him a text that night. All it said was ‘Sorry, bro’. He didn’t send me anything. Tommy went on like everything was okay, but I think that was just the male in him. We could see he wasn’t the same.
Tommy took me over to Shane’s house. It was only the second time I had seen it. It was a decrepit two family house on run-down street. I waited in the car while Tommy went up and rang the bell. No one answered. He shrugged at me from the door so I got out of the car and we both went around the house looking in windows. It was empty. Clearly, whoever was there, was now gone.
My mom and Abby were dealing the best they could, but they were pretty hurt too - Shane was like family. Even my father was a little distressed - he should have been. It was his fault. I just don’t know if he was upset that Shane wasn’t around, or the fact that it was his fault that he was gone. He still never told us what he saw, just that it was all for our own good.
The rest of the school year, the little bit that was left of it, was a blur. I cried all the time. I barely ate. I didn’t want to see my friends or go anywhere. If my mother didn’t make me, I wouldn’t have even gone to school to finish out my senior year. Forget the prom. The dress I had bought hung in it’s plastic sheath in my closet as a silent reminder of what would have been.
It’s like we were all grieving, and in a way, we were. Shane was gone and it appeared he would never be back. I hated my father for a long time. I couldn’t stand to look at him. We didn’t speak. I couldn’t understand how he could do that to me - or to any of us.
I spent most of the summer in my room, going through phases of anger, denial, and settled in a deep depression. I had to start college but I didn’t care. I was a shell of the person I used to be.
My mom and Abby tried to help cheer me up. They attempte
d taking me out, having girl’s nights in, cooking me food (that I never ate) - whatever they could think of. Everyone in my house was walking on egg shells. The only hope was that I would eventually snap out of it.
One day, toward the end of the summer, something in me snapped. I stopped being so mad at my father and started getting more angry about Shane. It’s not that I wasn’t pissed at Shane before, but I put more blame on my father for ‘making’ him leave.
My father didn’t make him leave though. If Shane really loved me, he wouldn’t have gone. He was afraid of Big Dan - everyone was - but not scared enough to just run off in the night. Shane had balls. He would have come back to see me or talk to me if he really wanted to.
He didn’t though. He took my father’s money and ran. He left me behind - left us all behind - without even an explanation. It wasn’t my father’s fault. It was Shane’s. He had a shitty home and terrible mother. Maybe he saw it as his way out - I just don’t know - and I never will.
Eventually, I came to terms with everything. I forgave my father - for the most part anyway. I know the kind of man he is and understand that he did what he thought was best. It was still completely crazy and wrong, but I was trying to move on.
I went to state college and of course, my mom was right. It made a huge change in my mood and overall well being. The change in scenery, the new faces, finding something I loved, brought me a new life. It also brought me a new love.
My new love was nothing like my first love - not in any way, shape, or form. Maybe it was better that way. I never fully gave up on Shane. He was my first love - my true love. No man would ever fill those shoes. I wouldn’t want them to be filled anyway. I was still holding out - hoping, believing, that Shane would return one day.
If that day came, I planned to give him a right hook to the jaw, kiss him, and then let him explain what happened before I hit him again. I was obviously still so conflicted. I just never believed he would leave me like that. I didn’t want to. It would mean everything I considered to be true, every feeling I had, was all a lie.
It took years before I even considered that Shane was really, truly gone - but I never stopped loving him. I also never stopped hating him.
I did go on with my life though and accepted that Shane was not a part of it. I had a hole in my heart that no one would be able to fill.
Then came Chad, a guy I started dating in college. He was amazing. He didn’t know at the time but he helped me out of my slump. He didn’t know about Shane because I never told him. In our time together, Chad heard stories about him, but didn’t know that he was anyone special. Shane was a part of my childhood so I couldn’t just erase his memory completely, but I could pretend he never had a special place in my heart.
Chad wasn’t the first guy I went out with, but he was the only one that I liked enough to continue seeing. I loved him - as much as I could anyway. I knew that Shane was my true love and resigned myself to believe I would never love anyone like that again. So I did my best to love Chad as much as I could. He deserved my love, probably more love than I was capable of giving, but I did my best to give him all I had.
Everyone in my family moved on - we had to. Tommy finished college and decided to go into the police academy. My father helped him get into his precinct where he quickly moved up the ranks, and more recently, became a detective. Abby left New York and went to college in DC. She’s attending grad school in Virginia now, studying criminal justice and dating an FBI trainee. Mom and Dad are still in Lawson, enjoying each other and counting the days to my father’s retirement.
Life went on without Shane, albeit a much different path than I had imagined. Maybe this was how things were supposed to happen. Doesn’t matter anyway. I couldn’t change the past anyway, so I had to just work on my future.
Beth
“I wish we didn't have to leave tomorrow.” I stare out over the horizon. I’ve always found the ocean so peaceful. The gentle sound of the waves breaking, the scent of the salty air - it helps me relax. That’s what we’re here for after all - a little relaxation.
“Enjoying the view?” Chad asks, resting his hands on my shoulders.
“Always,” I reply. I put my hands on top of his and we silently stare out over the turquoise sea.
“I have a couple of loose ends to tie up. How about we go to The Salt Cellar for dinner tonight? I know how much you love their spicy shrimp.” Chad kisses me on my head.
“Sounds great. I’ll shower and get ready in a little bit. I just want to enjoy the sunset from here.” He really is so good to me. The life he’s given me so far has been completely different than life in the Kaminsky house for sure. I barely left New York growing up, let alone the country.
“Sure. I’ll be back by sundown.” He gives my shoulders a squeeze before walking back inside.
I take a sip of my chardonnay. It’s still nice and cold. The chilled drink and the light buzz it gives me are the perfect complement to my surroundings and my mood.
“Are my shoes out here?” Chad asks, popping his head out of the sliding glass doors, “yup. There they are,” he answers himself before I have a chance to look around. He slides his feet into the expensive brown loafers and kisses me on the head again on his way back inside.
I turn my head and see him put on his watch and leave the room. I look him and down and chuckle to myself. Never in my life would I have expected to wind up with a guy who wears boat shoes and chinos.
Don’t get me wrong, Chad is gorgeous. His blond hair is always combed and gelled perfectly back over his head. He has hazel eyes and chiseled cheeks. His body isn’t overly muscular but he stays in great shape. He’s always dressed impeccably and has has a taste for the finer things in life. The watch he’s wearing now cost more than my first semester of college. Chad could be the poster boy for prep school.
He is nothing like the typical jeans and tee shirt bad boy types I normally like to have as my eye candy. He has no rugged charm. Although he spent years receiving an education in private school and college, he still lacks any street smarts. I don’t think he could change a tire if his life depended on it. Even if he could, he probably wouldn’t anyway for fear of getting dirty. Basically, he’s everything Shane wasn’t. He’s the anti-Shane. He may not be the kind of guy I thought I wanted, but he’s exactly what I need in my life. At least, I think he is.
Every time Chad closes a big deal, he takes me away somewhere to celebrate. He spends most of his time working or traveling for work. When he does get to spend time at home, much of it is consumed on the phone or poring over paperwork he couldn’t finish at the office. Chad is a workaholic. Luckily, the amount of money and luxuries it affords us make it all worth it in the end - for him anyway. I would be just as satisfied with a modest home and lifestyle. I don't need all the bells and whistles - not that I’m complaining.
Like this beautiful private villa on Paradise Island. It’s our go-to vacation spot. We’ve been to the Bahamas so many times now, it’s almost become a second home. Chad does get a chance to relax and enjoy these little getaways, although he usually brings along some kind of work. I don’t mind, though.
I’m not sure Chad and I would be as happy together if we lived a ‘normal’ life - like most other couples we know. He would most likely get bored with me. It’s not because I’m uninteresting, it’s just who he is. He needs to have ‘too many’ things to do. Even having ‘just enough’ is never enough for him. This pertains to all aspects of his life. I think a lot of women would be bothered by it. I’m not.
I love Chad - a lot. But after four years together, I still don’t know if I’m really in love with him. Not the way I think I should be anyway. I haven’t been able to truly love anyone since Shane. I don’t know if I ever will.
Chad is great - and so is his family. They own a real estate agency and more recently, a commercial development company. Each family member has their specialty and they all work together. Thanks to him and the generosity of his parents, I am now a well
known agent in Park City, a town just fifteen minutes from where I grew up in Lawson.
Everyone in Park City knows the Westbrooks, and now they know me as well. Not only are they a huge name in real estate, they are also big time philanthropists. Clare and Arnold always give back to the community. It keeps their name and their business in the public eye and in good standing with society. They have helped get my face on flyers and advertisements all over town, as well as the surrounding areas. I wouldn’t be nearly as successful as I am without them.
Quite honestly, I may not have been anything at all. I went through my first two years of college majoring in liberal arts. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Once I met Chad, he got me very interested in his family business. Real estate sounded like something I would enjoy and since I didn’t know what else to do, I went for it. The real estate market is flooded with agents trying to make it though. Without the Westbrooks, I would have just been another little fish in a big pond. Instead, I’m already one of the top brokers in the county.
I don’t know if Chad and I have the greatest relationship, but it works for us. We work together and live together but we really don’t get to spend too much time together either. It’s weird, but I’m also afraid if we did spend a lot of time together, we wouldn’t be able to remain a couple.
It’s not because we’re not good together - we are. We have great conversations and the sex is satisfying, there’s just something missing. Or maybe I just think something is missing because in my heart, I still haven’t fully accepted that my life doesn’t have Shane in it. I think in some way both of us are holding something back - or maybe I just want to think he is - to level the playing field.
He’s never given me a reason to think that. It may just be the kind of person Chad is. He isn’t very deep or hard to understand. Other than his business deals, he’s pretty much cut and dry. He never fully lets me in to what he’s thinking or planning, but I definitely haven’t given him my whole heart either. I’ve come to believe that the little bit we hold back from each other is what keeps us together.