by Jessica Marx
I shower and put on my makeup. I decide to leave my hair down, but no way I’m wearing heels. I’m not playing Shane’s game. I choose a pretty pair of flats. I pair it with a skirt and fitted top. Just because I’m not wearing heels doesn’t mean I can’t try to look pretty.
My phone vibrates as I’m putting my earrings in. I look at the address. It’s in Lawson. I can tell what part of town by the address, but I’m not sure which place it is. I’ll find out when I get there. I don’t have time to google the address right now.
Satisfied with my look, I walk downstairs. I send Chad a text, writing, erasing, and rewriting it a few times before hitting ‘send’
‘Hey, hon. That builder, Shane, from S.P.A. asked me to meet with him. He’s looking into some properties. Going to meet him for lunch.’
I wait for a reply, but after a few minutes I still haven’t received one. At least I’m not a liar now- well not completely anyway. I’m sure he’ll get back to me when he’s free.
Content with my message, and myself, I pick up my purse and keys and head out to my car. I punch the address into my GPS and begin to follow the directions. I try to give myself another pep talk on the way. I’m not going to let Shane get in my head. Chad is my boyfriend. Shane is my friend. He will be anyway. Right now, I don’t really know what he is.
By the time my GPS says I’m two minutes away, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. I’ve reminded myself of all the hurt and pain Shane caused me. I’ve remembered how he left and how fucked up I was over it. I’ve listed all of Chad’s strong points and why he is so good for me - for the woman I am now.
One minute to go and I realize where I am headed. All of those memories and reminders drain from my head. This guy is good.
I park in the public lot and apply some lip gloss before getting out of the car. What an asshole. Of all the restaurants in Park City, Lawson, and every place in between, he picks this one.
As I approach the entrance, I notice Shane standing out front playing with his phone. Fuck. He looks good. Really good.
I take a moment to look him over before he realizes I’m here. He’s wearing a blue striped button down. It’s not tucked in, giving him a business casual kind of look. His faded jeans fit him just right. I’m sure if I wanted to look a little closer I could make out the outline of his oversized manhood, but I’m not going to do that. We’re friends. Dammit - I should have worn those heels.
“Nice choice,” I say dryly, announcing my presence.
“Thanks. I thought so too.”
“I was kidding.”
“I wasn’t. Shall we?” Shane opens the door and gestures for me to go inside first.
The hostess seats us at a small table near the window. I’m glad I told Chad what I was doing so I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing us. Not that anyone he associates with would come to Lawson to eat, but you never know.
“You look pretty today. I always loved your hair down.”
“Really? I don’t remember that.” Like hell I don’t. I remember everything.
“I do, however, remember this place. Nice move.”
“It’s not a move, Beth. I just thought it would be fun,” he shrugs, “you know, take a little trip down memory lane.”
“I guess. As long as that’s all this is.” I grin and relax a little, “I do have some good memories of this place.”
“Me too.” Shane smiles, “I remember the first time we came here.”
“Yeah. I remember.”
How could I forget? It was in the middle of the night - on our way home from the beach. The night I lost my virginity. We sat snuggled next to each other and shared cheese fries and gravy. I remember every detail from that night.
“And so many other times after that. I used to think of this as ‘our place’.” Shane says fondly, “I wonder if Kev still works here?”
“I’m sure he’s moved on. He was working his way through college, wasn’t he?”
“Yup. He was cool. Used to sneak us rum and cokes. Pretty sure we stumbled home more than once thanks to him.”
The waitress appears at the table and asks for our order.
“Cheese fries and gravy, please,” Shane replies without consulting me.
“Really?” I smirk.
“Yes, and two rum and cokes,” Shane adds, then smirks back at me.
The waitress looks unsure but writes our order down and walks back to the kitchen.
“You’re really driving this whole ‘trip down memory lane’ thing home, aren’t you?”
“If we’re going to do it, we might as well do it right,” Shane answers, raising his eye brows.
The sound of the words ‘do it’ immediately make me think of sex. More specifically, sex with Shane. It’s silly and childish, but that’s just how he’s making me feel right now. I’m sure that’s not just a coincidence.
“I don’t know what you think we’re doing, but other than gorging on an unhealthy meal and apparently some day drinking, we’re just here as old friends.”
“I know, Beth. I just thought this would be more fun. Lighten up.”
“Lighten up? You waltz back into my life like nothing ever happened, I cheat on my boyfriend with you, and now we’re reliving every ‘date’ we ever had which usually started - or ended - with sex. I just want my expectations to be very clear so there’s no confusion.”
“Beth, I have no expectations other than spending a little time with you. I promise,” Shane answers with a soothing tone.
“Sorry. Guess I’m just a little defensive.”
Of course I’m defensive. No matter what I tell Shane - or myself - I can’t stop thinking about him. This nostalgic lunch date isn’t helping either. I seriously think I’m incapable of being friends with him, but I don’t want to let him go completely. I just need to keep my shit together.
“That’s okay. I get it. Let’s just enjoy lunch. We can change our order if it makes you feel better.”
I smile sheepishly, “no. I haven’t had cheese fries in forever - or any fries for that matter.” I laugh
Shane smiles, “It shows.”
I let the complement slide without comment. “So where have you been for the last eight years?” I ask, changing the subject.
Shane leans back, “I’ve been living upstate. Not too far up, just over the bridge - in Pearl River.”
“Wow. You were so close and you never thought to come and visit?” I’m kind of hurt more knowing he was so close. I always imagined he was far away or locked up somewhere where he really couldn’t come.
“I thought about it every fucking day,” he answers, looking off, “I just couldn’t, not yet anyway. Not until now.”
“Should I ask why, or are you still not ready to share that information?”
The waitress walks over with our fries and drinks and places the plate in the middle of the table.
“Not ready,” Shane says, reaching into the plate of fries.
“You know,” I start, taking my own fry and dipping it in the gravy, “I’m not going to accept that answer forever. At some point you’re going to have to tell me what happened.”
“I will.”
“And by ‘some point’, I mean very, very soon.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem.”
We both reach our hands onto the fry plate at the same time. My hand brushes over his. I hold my breath.
“Beth,” Shane says, waiting for me to look up before continuing, “I’m not here to fuck up your life. I’m here to make things right. To apologize. To set things straight.”
“So you say.”
“I say it because I mean it,” he says sincerely, “that kiss wasn’t meant to happen, it just did. I’m not gonna lie though - I don’t regret it.”
“Did you tell Chad about it? About us?” I ask, seizing the opportunity for an honest answer.
“No. Why would I?”
“I don’t know. He just seemed like he was hiding something after your meeting. Like he kne
w.”
“He didn’t.”
“So what did you guys talk about?”
“Just business,” Shane twirls his fry in the gravy, “his project, my project, the possibility of us working together.”
“You’re not going to do that, right?” I blurt out.
“I doubt it, but I told him I would think about it.”
“Don’t think too much. It’s a terrible idea.”
“I agree with you, Beth, don’t worry. Chad and I getting involved in any way is a bad idea.”
“Good. I’m glad we’re in agreement on that at least.”
“I’m sure we can agree on other things as well,” Shane teases, changing the subject.
“Maybe,” I’m sure what he’s referring to is nothing I want to talk about, “it’s so weird.”
“What’s weird?”
“This,” I gesture around us, “part of me feels like we don’t know each other anymore - at all. I mean, I know nothing about you as an adult,” I look up at Shane again, “then another part of me feels like we haven’t skipped a beat.”
“It’s definitely strange,” Shane replies, holding my gaze, “but I’ve been waiting to have you back in my life. I’ve dreamed about it - many times.” He gives me a mischievous look.
“Whatever. I’m sure you’ve been with plenty of women since you left.”
“I’ve been with a few, but it was never the same. I never wanted it to be.”
“That’s silly,” I reply, blushing.
“Is it?” Shane runs his hands back through his hair, “fuck, Beth. You have no idea how hard it was - how hard it’s been.”
“Are you kidding?” I say, annoyed, “I don’t know how hard it was for you? What about me?”
Shane leans in and takes my hands in his, resting them on the table, “I can’t fucking imagine what you went through. I hated myself for it. I was tormented for years.” He looks into my eyes, “Beth, I loved you then, and I love you now. I will always love you. I know what it seems like, but me leaving was the only choice I had and the only way I could become a better person - a better man. A man who could give you the love and the life you deserve to have.”
My eyes are welled with tears, “but it’s too late, Shane. I can’t just give up what I have - what I worked for - because you came back.” I try not to let the tears fall, not again, “I’m with Chad now. He’s good to me. He works hard to give me what he thinks I deserve. Besides, how do I know you wouldn't leave me again. I still don’t know why you left in the first place. You loved me back then. You wanted to give me the world then also - but you left.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m not here to steal you away or make you give up anything. I just want a chance to be back in your life - in whatever way I fit. I’ve accepted that you moved on, I expected it, but I’m not leaving again.”
Neither of us says a word. Then Shane breaks the silence, “do you love him?”
“What?” His question catches me off guard.
“You said Chad treats you well and gives you a nice life, but you never said you were in love with him.”
“Of course I am,” I answer softly, but I can’t look at Shane when I say it.
“That wasn’t very convincing,” he replies in a soft voice.
We stop talking again.
“Fuck. You’re such a dick,” I grin through my tears, “are you going to make me cry every time we hang out?”
Shane chuckles, “I promise, Beth - I swear, I’m not going to fuck up your life. I’m not going to do anything to hurt you. I just want you to be happy.”
“Then stop making me cry.”
We each take a sip of our drinks and try to come back down from the emotional moment.
“Sorry, Beth. I waited years to say those things, but I won’t get into it again. It’s not fair to you.”
“Thanks. It’s nice to hear, it’s just, I don’t know.”
“I get it.” Shane dips a fry in gravy and pops it in his mouth, “so how’s Abby? What’s she up to?” he asks, thankfully changing the subject.
We catch up on my family and what they’ve been up to. I’m somewhat surprised that Shane’s been in touch with Tommy already. Then again, Tommy can be so secretive. It’s the nature of his business, I guess.
I don’t ask many questions about Shane’s family. I already know he’s not ready to share that much with me yet, so I’m not going to push it - for now. He really only has his mother. He did mention that she’s still around, but that was the beginning and the end of it.
We finish off the fries and have another round of sodas - without the rum this time. Before I know it, our lunch ‘meeting’ has already been going on for over two hours. You know what they say, time flies when you’re having fun - and we are clearly having a great time. I have’t laughed like this or had such an easy flow of conversation in way too long.
My phone vibrates on the table for at least the fifth time. The last few messages were work related. This time it’s Chad. I suddenly feel uncomfortable. I read the message. It’s harmless. It’s just Chad saying he’s glad I’m at lunch with an associate he’s ‘wooing’ for his project and he hopes I put in a good word for him. I’m sure he’s assuming at this point that our lunch is long since over.
I take his message as a sign that I should get going.
“This has actually been a lot of fun,” I start, finishing my soda, “but I should really get going. I didn’t realize how long we’ve been here already.”
“What do you mean, ‘actually’?” Shane kids, “you sound surprised. Why wouldn’t we have a great time together? We always did.”
“Yeah, we did,” I answer, distantly.
“We’ll have to do it again, then.”
“Yes. We will,” I agree.
Shane takes out his wallet and places money on the table for the check and a tip for the waitress. We both stand and walk outside together.
“Thanks for lunch,” I say.
“Anytime.”
“Okay, then,” I say awkwardly, “so, I’ll see you again soon.”
“I hope so.”
“Thanks for lunch.”
“You thanked me already.”
“Well, alright then. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay. Take care, Beth,” Shane says, smiling, clearly getting a kick out of my discomfort.
I turn and walk toward my car. I’m blushing. I feel like a teenager in love again. This is bad. This is very, very bad.
Shane
Trying to be the good guy is a lot harder than it should be. I want to have her. I need her. Beth should be mine. I want to hold her. I want to touch her - all over. This is bullshit.
I’ll just keep reminding myself that it’s about the long game. If she’s meant to be mine, she will be, and I believe she is.
Knowing that her boyfriend is such a dick is killing me. I want to strangle him for treating her like a piece of shit. If Chad was that open with me, a basic stranger, about his deceptions, he probably only scratched the surface of his web of lies. I hope Tommy will get something solid to use against him.
I hate being ‘that guy’. You know, the one who tries to break up a couple to get the girl. That’s not really what I’m doing. It was not my intention. Chad is a bad dude. He’s legitimately an awful human being. Beth is too good for him. If he doesn’t get caught cheating with another woman, he’s going to get caught in one of his scams eventually, and that would be detrimental to Beth’s career. She could easily go down with him. I believe he’s enough of a scumbag to throw her under the bus or take her down with him. Why not? He doesn’t seem to care much about anything other than himself.
Don’t get me wrong, if Beth came to me, I would take her in a heartbeat. I just don’t want to be the one to destroy what she thinks is a perfect relationship with a ‘good’ guy. Fuck that. I’ve planted the seeds, now I’ll let nature take its course. I only wish it would happen fast. I’ve got a constant hard on and it’s got Beth’s name w
ritten all over it.
It’s not just sexual. That’s just only of it. Beth is amazing in every way. The thought of being with her - having her any time I want, her wanting me, it’s all I need.
It became pretty obvious at lunch that she feels the same about me. She may not know it yet, but she does. She may not be ready to admit it, even to herself, but it’s true. We’re going to be together. I feel it in my bones - and my boner. I just hope it happens soon.
It’s taking everything I can not to call or even text Beth, but I have to back off. Things already got a little too intense. I don’t want to push it. It’s only been a couple of days, I’ll wait a few more before I reach out, if she doesn’t contact me first.
My phone rings as I flip through the channels. It’s pretty late so it can’t be work. It’s Beth. It has to be. Who else would reach out at this time of night?
I pick up my phone without looking at the caller ID, “hey,” I smile to myself, waiting to hear Beth’s voice on the other line. I’m surprised when I hear Tommy respond instead.
“Shane, you’re not going to believe what I found out.”
Beth
I feel like a giddy school girl. Having lunch with Shane, at ‘our place’, was a real eye opener. Maybe my relationship with Chad isn’t all I’ve built it up to be. When was the last time we laughed like that - or even had a real conversation? Come to think of it, when’s the last time we had sex? In the Bahamas? Is our relationship only that awesome when we’re on vacation but stale when we’re not?
Or am I overthinking it? I’m sure after a couple of years with Shane, we would be in a similar kind of rut, right?
Shit. My head is so twisted right now. It has been for days. I’ve been trying to keep my mind on work, but that lunch date confused the hell out of me. How am I supposed to continue hating Shane when he makes it so easy to love him.
I can’t love him, love him, can I? My God, for all I know, he killed someone and left town eight years ago. He could be a total psycho. I know he’s not though, as much as I wish he was just so I could forget about him.
I’ve been walking around in a strange cloud of happiness and confusion. Chad doesn’t appear to notice, which is good, but also bad. How does he not see? Or does he see and just not care? Either way, I’m afraid it’s a bad sign.