by Jessica Marx
Beth
This is where I’m supposed to be. I know it now. I glance at Shane. It doesn’t matter where we go, as long as we’re together.
I stare out the window into the darkness. I don’t know where Shane is headed and I don’t care.
I had to get out of the house. I can’t think clearly in there right now. I want to smash things, I want to throw Chad’s stuff on the lawn - I just don’t care enough to be dramatic about it. More years of my life, wasted.
I guess they’re not totally wasted. I found a great career, built myself a fine reputation. I wouldn’t have done any of that without Chad. I’m thankful for that - and for the help of the Westbrooks. It’s going to be hard to leave that office and go off on my own, but my name has value in this community. I won’t have trouble moving on.
“Thanks for picking me up.”
“Of course,” Shane smiles, “want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Do I have to? I’m pretty sure you already know.”
“Yeah. I know,” Shane sighs, “did you speak to Chad yet?”
“You could say that.”
Shane glances at me with a puzzled look.
I take a breath and begin to tell him what happened, “Tommy took me to an apartment Chad’s been keeping that I didn’t know even existed. We saw him go inside with some slut. I figured I would just nip it in the bud and talk to him right then and there.”
“How’d that work out?”
“It was pretty fucking liberating.”
Shane chuckles, “that’s not the answer I was expecting.”
“It’s not the feeling I was expecting either.” I look at Shane as he stares at the road through the darkness, “I’m so pissed. I’m almost as mad at myself as I am at him. I’m not even sad. I’m just… ugh.” I lean back into the bucket seat.
“I’m surprised Tommy didn’t stay with you,” Shane says after a few minutes.
“He tried. I didn’t need him to. I’m really okay, considering.”
“You called me though.”
“Yeah. I did.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” Of course I know. I’m just not sure I’m ready to admit it. I think Shane knows too. He doesn’t push me to answer. I see his lips curl up in a tight smile. I wonder what he’s thinking about.
We drive in silence for a little while longer. Shane pulls off the main road and starts following the twists and turns of the side roads in the dark.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“Doesn’t it look familiar?”
“I don’t know. It’s so dark. It’s hard to tell.”
“Here’s a hint. You’ve been here before.”
I continue to stare out the window and try to find some sort of marker to let me know where we are. I see a lot of beach grass. Off in the distance I catch a glimpse of a lighthouse. I know exactly where we are now.
“Holy shit,” I say, finally realizing where Shane brought me.
He laughs, “you remember now?”
“How could I forget?”
Shane parks the car on the side of the road. My palms start sweating and I feel nervous all of a sudden. I don’t know if being in this car together is such a good idea anymore.
“If you brought me here to take my virginity, you’re too late,” I say, trying to make a joke.
Shane laughs, “yeah. I know. I already took it.” He gazes at me but I can’t look him in the eyes, “I just thought it would be a cool place to go. Another stop on our trip down memory lane. Besides, we can’t go much farther without turning back around.”
I want to talk - to say something to break the awkward silence - but nothing comes out. I don’t know what to say. I want Shane. I love him, but I literally just broke up with Chad. How can I be sure of what I really want anymore?
“You want to sit outside? It’s beautiful out tonight?”
“Sure,” I reply, although I’m really not quite sure what I want.
Shane gets out of the car and walks around back. I linger in the seat. I’m scared to move. Shane pulls my door open and steps aside. I take a deep breath and run my palms over my pants.
Shane reaches his hand out, “come on, I’m not going to bite.”
How is he so relaxed right now? I feel like I did a decade ago when he brought me here, knowing I was about to have sex for the first time.
I take his hand and step out of the car. Shane doesn’t let go of my hand. He leads me down a foot path.
“Is that a blanket?” I note the plaid fabric rolled under his arm.
“Yup.”
“Did you plan this?”
“Of course not.”
“You just always keep a blanket in your car then?”
“It’s a new thing. I just started recently,” Shane smirks, “just in case.”
“In case of what?”
“In case a beautiful woman calls me to comfort her in the middle of the night.”
“Does that happen to you often?” I ask sarcastically.
“Never. I’ve just been hoping to bring you here. I wanted to be prepared just in case.”
“Why did you want to bring me here?” I know why but want to hear him say it. I need to hear it.
Shane stops walking and turns to face me, “because I love you. Because I’ve waited years to see you again - to feel you, to taste you.”
He leans in, planting his lips on mine. They are warm and full of hunger. He slips his tongue between my lips and kisses me. I squeeze his hand and kiss him back, my tongue touching his, tasting him. Shane grasps the nape of my neck and pulls me closer into him, his mouth engulfing mine. Our tongues move together, exploring, savoring the taste and our desire.
Shane slowly brings our kiss to a stop. Gently biting my bottom lip as he takes his mouth off of mine - the same way he did so many years ago. He leans his forehead down on my head.
“Sorry,” he apologizes.
“Don’t be,” I reply, breathless.
Shane takes a hold of my hand again and we walk a little farther along the path. I blindly follow his lead. My head is spinning from his words and the kiss that came after.
We come to a small clearing. Shane lays the blanket down and takes a seat. He pats the ground next to him, signaling for me to sit there. I reluctantly get down on the blanket next to him.
“Don’t be afraid, Beth. If you don’t want to be here, we can leave,” Shane says thoughtfully.
“It’s not you I’m afraid of, Shane, it’s me.”
Shane looks at me, confused.
“I was so in love with you. You know, when we were kids,” I begin, “I tried for so long to love someone else like that. I thought I had that with Chad - but I didn’t. I was trying so hard to make us into something we weren’t. When I saw him with that other woman, I was mad, but I was also relieved.” I sit up on my knees and turn to look at Shane, wanting to see his face, “I hated you for a long time. You left. You never said good bye. You never told me why. You still haven’t. I was a wreck. It took me years to get over it. That’s love. Needing someone. Never feeling whole or knowing who you really are without them. Feeling like you can’t live - can’t breathe - unless you’re together.”
Shane stares at me, his eyes are full of amazement with my words. I swear I see them filling with tears, but he’s not going to cry. I know that.
“You came back into my life just as abruptly as you left and all of the hate, all of the hurt, it just disappeared. Whatever the reason you left, whatever your rationale for taking that money from my father - it doesn’t matter. I’m just so glad to have you back. I love you,” I feel a new found strength saying all of my thoughts out loud, “I really fucking love you.”
Shane doesn’t respond. He only stares at me incredulously.
“Shit. This is so stupid. I sound like an idiot. I just…”
I don’t get to finish my thought. Shane gets on his knees and takes my face in his hands and places his lips on mine. His kiss is gentle and
tender. He leaves his lips pressed against mine and holds me there. Then he sits back down.
“I love you too, Beth. I always have. I never gave up on us. I knew one day I would be back and do whatever it took to have you again, but,” he pauses, searching for the right words, “but I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret. I’ve waited a long time for you already. I can wait longer. However long it takes, I will wait.” Shane looks down, “I don’t want to be a rebound. I know you had a pretty emotional night. I don’t want that to be the reason you choose me. I want you to be sure.”
“Shane,” I say softly. He looks up at me, “I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life.”
I lean over and kiss him this time, swinging my leg over so I’m straddling him. The feel of Shane’s body beneath mine sends a surge of desire straight through me. I’m overtaken by emotion and lust.
I slide my tongue into Shane’s mouth. His lips open, his mouth enveloping mine. Our mouths open and close around one another as our tongues delve deeper, exploring each other, as if for the first time once again.
My body takes over as my hips slowly grind against his. Even through our clothing, I can feel how hard Shane is. The sensation of his large, stiff erection makes me kiss him deeper. My pelvis gyrates faster, the need to feel him inside me taking over every move.
I sit back up on my knees and slide Shane’s shirt up, kissing him up his firm torso and chest until I reach the top, pulling his shirt completely off. I begin kissing him again. Shane’s hands reach down and grip the hem of my top. Returning the favor, he removes mine. In one swift motion, he uses one hand to remove my bra. My bare breasts now pressing into his chest, our kiss grows deeper again.
Leaning my head back, I look at Shane’s face. His eyes open. I flash a devilish grin and begin kissing him again. I start on his chest, working my way down this time. My hands rest on his shoulders and slowly caress their way down with the rest of my body.
My lips reach the top of his jeans. I don’t waste any time unfastening the button and zipper. I continue to kiss his belly as I slip his pants and boxer briefs down together. I draw in a breath at the sight of his long, thick shaft. It makes me hungry for more.
I eagerly take Shane’s thickness in my hand and begin to stroke him. A low groan escapes his mouth, making me move my hand faster. I feel the muscles in his legs tighten, his hips tilting up slightly. With one hand still caressing Shane’s shaft, I wrap my lips around the tip of his cock.
Gliding my hand up and down, I copy the motion with my lips. Taking him in just enough, teasing him with the damp warmth of my mouth.
“Yes,” Shane says in a low growl.
Without warning, I slide my mouth down to the base of his shaft, taking him all in. His length and girth feels like it reaches into the back of my throat. I caress my tongue over Shane’s erection while my head bobs up and down over him.
“Oh, fuck yeah,” Shane mutters. He clutches the back of my head.
I continue sucking him, slowing my movements when I feel him reach the brink. I gently pull my head back, running my tongue along his shaft again as I do.
Taking him in my hand again, I stroke gently, placing soft kisses on his stomach, making my way back up to his face. Our lips lock, our tongues spiral together, relishing in the ecstasy we’re both feeling.
Shane places his hands on either side of my face, pressing his tongue deeper into my mouth. Using his strength, he rolls us both over until he’s positioned over me, never breaking our embrace.
Leaning over me, Shane cups my breasts in his hands, caressing my skin, expertly tweaking my nipples with his fingers. He moves his body down, gently squeezing and suckling. I’m completely aroused already. Shane reaches for my jeans and unfastens them. When Shane bends down to remove them, he gently places his lips on my belly. My hips arch up to meet him. I want him so bad.
Shane pulls my jeans down, kissing the inside of my thighs on his way. My shoes easily slip off at the same time as my pants. I feel Shane quickly remove his own and then kiss his way back up my bare legs.
When he reaches the silk of my panties, he runs a finger along the outside. Feeling how damp I am, Shane looks up at me. He looks so fucking sexy right now. I want to tell him but I can’t utter a word.
Still holding my gaze, Shane runs his hot, wet tongue slowly up over my crease, the silk fabric between us driving me to the edge. I need to feel him on me, in me. I arch my hips up trying to get closer.
Shane grasps the fabric in his hands, pulling my panties down. He runs his thumb back and forth over my wetness. He leans in and runs his tongue along my slit again. This time there’s nothing between us. I moan. Shane caresses my inner lips with his tongue. I tremble from the sensation. I was already close to the edge. This is too much.
“Yes,” I breathe, Shane’s mouth accepting my sweet release.
Slowly, deliberately, he massages my heat with his whole mouth, letting me come back from the edge. He moves up, kissing my belly again. I can feel his stiffness pressing into my leg, making me eager for what I know is coming next.
I put my hands on his head, grasping his hair, coaxing him up higher. His lips reach mine and I immediately take him in my mouth. Tasting myself on his lips. Our mouths move together like one. My legs open wider, silently begging him to make love to me.
Shane’s body is over mine. Our tongues moving rhythmically together, I’m wet and ready to take him in. Just when I think I can’t take anymore, he easily plunges himself inside me. His stiff mass fills me completely. I gasp, wrapping my legs around his thighs, pulling him in deeper.
Shane rocks his hips, thrusting himself inside me, pulling back out, and pushing back in. I put my hands on his head and pull him closer.
“Oh my God,” I whisper close to his ear.
The sound of my voice makes Shane move faster. I grind against him, my hips moving in sync with his.
“Yeah, baby,” he groans.
I feel Shane throbbing inside me. He thrusts into me, faster now. He fills me to the core. I squeeze my legs around him, holding him there. He pushes himself into me once more and my body shudders. He continues to pump inside me, my wetness flowing over him.
“Yes. Yes,” I moan.
He moves in and out again until he can’t take anymore, “yes, Beth. Fuck.”
He empties himself into me. Our bodies still gyrating together, slower now. The physical sensation, he emotional connection, it’s too much. My body quivers once more, reveling in the feeling.
Shane’s body relaxes, resting onto mine. We lie silently, listening to the sound of the ocean. My lips form a smile from ear to ear. He rolls to his side, nestling up against me. Shane places a hand on my stomach and softly runs his fingers in circles. I stare up at the night sky and pet the top of his head.
“You’re beautiful,” he says quietly.
“Thanks,” I reply. My eyes are closed but I’m still smiling.
“I mean it, Beth. You’re fucking incredible. That was incredible.”
“Stop.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re embarrassing me.”
“You’re naked on a public beach, but my complements are embarrassing you?” Shane sniggers.
“Shut up. It’s different.”
“You’re crazy,” he kids, “I love you, but you’re crazy.”
“Do you think now that you have me back, you’re still going to want me?” I ask out of the blue.
It suddenly dawns on me that maybe it was the thrill of ‘getting’ me that drew Shane back to me - not me, the person. Now that he has me, he might not think I’m as incredible and amazing as before.
“Absolutely.” Shane sits up, “I told you I would never leave again and I meant it. You’re stuck with me now.”
I giggle, “I guess I could do worse.” I think back on my night with Chad, “actually, I have.”
I sit up and wrap my arms around my knees. “I love you, Shane. I hope we can make this work.”<
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“If we want it to work, it will.”
We sit quietly staring out to the ocean. It’s dark but the moon casts a glow over the water. It’s so much like the first time we came here. Back then, we were kids in love. What we had was real, but we knew so little about life and love. This time is different - a new ‘first’ - if you will. My only hope is that this time, it won’t end.
Shane
Awesome. Fucking amazing. Incredible. Unbelievable.
I didn’t plan on having sex with Beth - really. I thought it would be pretty cool to take her back to the beach we used to go to. Okay, she lost her virginity there - with me - but that’s not the reason I drove there. It just seemed fitting for the occasion.
Even if I had planned it, I never could have imagined that fucking Beth would be as mind blowing as it was. No. That wasn’t fucking. That was making love. Now I remember what the difference is. There’s no way to be any closer to another person than to literally be inside them, yet, the intimacy Beth and I shared is like nothing I have ever felt - not even with her eight years ago.
Were we in love back then? Yes. It was different though. We’ve been through so much. We’ve each experienced love and loss. We’ve lived and grown and become adults. There is much more to love than we ever knew then. Now that we do know, our love is only deeper, and that is the difference between Beth and every other woman on earth.
We drove back to my hotel in the middle of the night. Beth didn’t want to go back to her house - I don’t blame her. I also don’t want to be away from her ever again. I know that’s not reality, but right now, I need her here.
Beth and I made love again when we got back. I fell asleep spooning her. She fits me perfectly. The sun is up but I don’t want to get out of bed. I watch her sleeping next to me. She’s beautiful and peaceful. I brush her hair back gently with my fingertips. She begins to stir. I didn’t want to wake her, but I’m glad she’s getting up.
“Morning, baby,” I say quietly, still petting her head.
Beth smiles, “morning.” I pull her closer into me.